Take My Hand
April 22, 2001
"Come with me," Jason said extending his hand.
Elizabeth's eyes widened as she stared at his hand and then back up at him, "To Italy?"
"Anywhere you want to go. Just take my hand," Jason said softly his eyes clinging to hers.
Leave, just leave with Jason the very thought of it careened through Elizabeth's brain. She was caught off guard at how tempting it sounded to her.
Until that moment she had denied the extent of her feelings for this man, so well that even she didn't know how deep they were. She knew she had taken a big step earlier when she had told him that she wanted more from him. She had taken an even bigger step when she finally admitted to Lucky that she had feelings for Jason. But she was unprepared for the reality of just how much she really did feel for him until he held out his hand.
Elizabeth stepped closer to him, "Why do you even want me after all I've done to you, what I just did to you five minutes ago. Why, no how can you still care?"
"It's easier for you to believe Lucky, it's safer for you to believe him. Your scared about what will happen if you don't believe in Lucky anymore" Jason answered rubbing his hand over the back of his neck. "Lucky has changed, I know you say it's because of the kidnapping and the programming. But that doesn't change the fact that he has changed. You're fighting so hard to hold on to someone who isn't even there anymore Elizabeth."
"He needs me."
Patience gone Jason let loose, "What about what you need? I have watched you turn yourself inside out for months trying to please everyone but yourself. I saw how unhappy you were, and I tried to help. You let me help until you started feeling guilty and then you would push me away. I can't keep watching you do this to yourself. I can't keep letting you do this to me." Jason sighed heavily before continuing, "You need to be honest with yourself. When we first started talking, that is one thing you always told me, be true to yourself. Elizabeth you need to do that.
The tears slipped down her face at his words, he never forgot what she said, he always put her first, how could she keep hurting him like this.
Jason closed the distance between them and brought his hands up to her face, he gently rubbed his thumbs over her cheeks brushing away her tears. He drew her closer and lowered his head, his mouth looking for hers, their breath mingled, and at the last second she turned her head. Jason sighed and let her go.
"I don't want to hurt you Jason, and that seems to be all I do. Carly's right about me I don't deserve you, I am too selfish for you." She pulled away from him, her eyes searching his.
"A part of me has known, since last summer, when I first saw you again on the docks. I was angry and confused because of Lucky and then I turned around and there you were. I saw you smiling at me and things just clicked. I had missed you so much for so long and suddenly there you were."
Elizabeth ran her hand through her hair taking a deep breath before continuing. "But then there was Lucky. Who was back, just like I had prayed for so many times. You, more than anyone else, knew what losing Lucky did to me. Now he was back, how could I turn my back on him, especially when I knew there was something wrong with him. To do that would have been admitting that what we had was never really real, and I couldn't do that." Elizabeth moved over to the bench and sat down wearily.
"Then one night, I turned around, and there you were, you had on this brown shirt and you were smiling at me. Suddenly I felt happy again, I felt alive again, I felt hope," she broke off looking up at the sky, "then I felt guilty. Because I was so happy to see someone, and that someone wasn't Lucky."
Elizabeth turned to face Jason as he sat beside her, "You were actually the person who pushed Lucky and I together again. Did you know that? The whole time that he was telling me to be with Nikolas, I don't think he ever thought I would. He might have been programmed but he knew me. He knew that I would never look at Nikolas as anything but a friend. But then he saw how I looked at you. At that time I wasn't even aware of how I looked at you, but Bobbie saw it all those months ago before you left, and Lucky saw. He knew that while I would never turn to Nikolas, I could and would turn to you."
The wind tore at her hair and she tucked it behind her ear before continuing. "So when you left again, I buried those feelings that I was having about you, and I felt so guilty. Guilty because the only reason that Lucky had ever pushed me away to begin with was because of the programming. He still loved me. So everything was going to be perfect, right? I mean after all he was the love of my life. Everyone said we were so perfect together and how we were meant for each other."
Elizabeth shivered slightly as the wind blew around them, Jason reached over and took her hand. She focused on his hand, it was one of the first things she had truly noticed about him. His hands, they were big and strong, yet the made her feel so safe and protected. They were used to violence, but capable of so much gentleness.
Frowning she spoke, "Then you came back, and you saw through me like you always do. You saw that I was pretending. That this is the wind up doll version of Elizabeth, smiling on the outside to hide the fact that she was sad on the inside. You didn't come out and say anything, but you knew. I had gotten so used to what I was feeling that I really believed I was happy, until you said my name, and I turned around and found you in my studio."
Elizabeth broke off remembering, her hand tightening on his, "Happiness, real happiness crashed into me like a wave, for a brief second I let myself see the truth, that I was miserable. But then I shut that feeling off and let myself feel the guilt instead." She whispered, tears sliding down her face.
Jason shifted closer to her, but made no effort to speak. She was finally being honest, and as much as it hurt him to see her in pain, he had to let her finish.
"I didn't feel guilty all of the time, and that's why I kept coming back to you. Seeing you made me happy, being free with you made me feel alive. But I also needed the guilt that those things brought to help myself stay in control. Because it was wrong wasn't it, me being so happy with you and not Lucky?" She asked looking at him, her blue eyes locking briefly on his before turning away again.
"You tell me to put myself first, but that is what I have been doing. I knew before today that you had feelings for me, but I also knew that you would never push them on me. Because you always put me first, I knew that and I used it, I used you." Elizabeth said getting to her feet and walking away from him.
"So Carly's right I am selfish, I wanted you in my life but I couldn't tell you how much. So I let you see what no one else did, the unhappiness, the fear, the loneliness, because I knew you would never turn me away. Because Jason I know you." She finished as she turned to face him.
"Each time I promised Lucky I would stay away from you, a part of me knew I couldn't. Each time I told you to stay away from me, a part of me knew, that you would never turn me away when I came to you. I knew I was hurting you, and I did it anyway because I'm selfish, I was only thinking about what I needed," her eyes locked on his, "I always put myself before you."
Her body shook as she tried to hold back the tears. Jason stood and pulled her into his arms. She sighed as she felt his familiar embrace, as she inhaled his scent, the scent that chased her through her dreams. She wanted to stay there forever, to have him hold her and block out the world. But she couldn't for once she had to do what was right for him. She pulled out of his embrace, "You should be angry at me, not holding me."
"Don't tell me how to feel," Jason whispered, touching her face.
She sighed heavily before continuing, "When that fight on the docks happened, I knew it was my fault. That all my lying had finally caught up with me and I had hurt the two people I cared about the most. The one thought that echoed through my mind was I can't keep hurting them. Your right, I chose to believe Lucky because it was easier, because I knew you were stronger than Lucky. I knew that you didn't need me like Lucky did."
She looked up into his blue eyes then "But I knew, even then that you didn't attack Lucky. You wouldn't have because it would have hurt me too much. You have done everything you could since I met you, not to cause me any kind of pain. You knew that hurting Lucky would be the one thing that would hurt me the most. I knew you would never do that."
Jason let out a sigh, as relief entered his system. He has always hoped that she believed him, he just never knew until now how much he needed to hear those words from her.
"So knowing that, I had to take a good hard look at myself and at Lucky. Your right Jason, there is something wrong with him. When he attacked you and lied about it that proved something to me that I hadn't wanted to believe before. I wanted, no I needed to help him, and the one thing he wanted was for me to stay away from you. So I did, or at least I tried to but I couldn't stay away. That day in my studio, I knew how much I hurt you, it was one of the hardest things I ever did. But I had to do it, for once I had to take responsibility for my actions. You two were both hurt and it was my fault."
"You didn't cause this Elizabeth."
"Yes I did Jason, I did when I lied to myself. I set everything in motion, so we wound up here. The other day in the park I could see the pain I caused you, and yet I still couldn't stay away from you. I still needed you to make me feel better. Me. You just stood there and let me hurt you again."
Elizabeth bowed her head, "A little while ago I hurt you again, when I defended Lucky instead of you."
"Elizabeth, come with me." Jason said softly holding out his hand.
Elizabeth's eyes widened in wonder, even after all she had admitted to him, he still wanted her with him. She closed her eyes and bit hard on her lip, she used the pain to help focus her, so she could get through this. "Lucky once offered me his hand. I was lying broken and bleeding in the snow, and he held out his hand. With his help I learned how to be strong, stronger than I had ever been before. I learned how to laugh again, I learned how to dream, and to dream about the future. I learned how much I loved to paint, all because he held out his hand. He helped me become Elizabeth."
She sat on the bench, and looked blindingly at her feet, her voice softened, "When I thought I lost him, for the longest time, it felt like I had died too, only I was still breathing. You helped me feel alive again, and then you left too. I had just begun to discover who Elizabeth was without Lucky, and without you when Lucky came back."
"This time it's Lucky who is broken. Something happened to him and changed him, from the man I fell in love with. This time its' him that needs me. He needs my help. After everything he did for me, I can't walk away from him. Not now, when he may be fighting for his life." She finished hardening her resolve.
"But what about you Elizabeth," Jason asked.
"For once I am not thinking about what I need, I'm thinking about what is best for Lucky and what is best for you. You need to leave and I have to stay." Elizabeth finished on a sob.
Jason took a step back, "With Lucky?"
Elizabeth nodded, "I have to help him, I might be the only who can help him. Jason it's been real hard for me to look at myself in the mirror lately, and I would never be able to look at myself again if I didn't help him."
"W-what about you and me?" Jason asked roughly, he felt like someone had a vise on his heart.
Elizabeth took a deep breath, hating to say the words, but knowing she had to for him, "I need to let you go. I'll lean on you for as long as you let me and that is not fair to you. You deserve to be happy you deserve someone who will put you first. You deserve that more than anyone I have ever met. I can't no I won't ask you to wait around while I help Lucky."
"I decide what's fair for me," Jason argued.
Elizabeth felt her heart break. "I told you that once too, and you didn't listen to me. This time I'm not going to listen to you. I'm setting you free, because I need you to be happy and safe, or as safe as you'll let yourself be."
Elizabeth scrubbed her face trying to dry her tears, she didn't want him to remember her like this. She crossed to him and hugged him. His arms came around her immediately, pulling her closer into his embrace. She felt his lips in her hair and reluctantly pulled away. She could see a trace of tears in his eyes.
Swallowing hard she spoke "Be happy Jason. That is what would make me happy. Knowing that you are happy." As she turned to walk away from him, he caught her arm, and turned her back to face him.
"If you ever need me." He broke off as she placed her fingers on his lips, she felt him press a kiss in them, and turned away.
She took several steps before stopping, slowly she turned and looked back at him, he hadn't moved, he was still looking at her. His normal expressionless face was wracked in pain.
Without a word she ran back to him, his arms reached out and caught her pulling her into him. She reached up and dragged his head down to hers. His lips finally were pressing on hers. Desire held back for so long raced unchecked between them. His hand went to the back of her head, to bury themselves in her soft hair. He tilted her head up, to change the angle and deepen the kiss. His tongue traced her lips seeking admittance. She opened her mouth and let him in, and his tongue explored her sweetness. He felt her tongue enter his mouth and he closed his mouth around it to suck it.
How long they stood in that passionate embrace she didn't know. Finally they broke contact, to suck in some much needed air. She leaned her head on his chest, her arms beneath his coat, her hands resting on his back. She squeezed him hard, drawing herself closer against him. She stood there soaking up his warmth, his strength, trying to regain her balance. She closed her eyes, tightly trying to save this perfect moment in her mind.
She started to draw away, and reluctantly, he let her go. She looked up into his piercing blue eyes as he brought his hand up to her face gently tracing her soft skin, rubbing his finger over her swollen lips.
She caught his hand and dragged it back to her mouth, placing a kiss in the palm of his hand. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "I love Lucky and I always will." She said, keeping hold of his hand as he went to pull it away. She looked into his eyes, "But I am in love with you."
The she let go of his hand and turned walking blindly away from her heart. Jason stared after her stunned. Just what was he supposed to do now, he thought as he watched her walk away.
April 22, 2001
"Come with me," Jason said extending his hand.
Elizabeth's eyes widened as she stared at his hand and then back up at him, "To Italy?"
"Anywhere you want to go. Just take my hand," Jason said softly his eyes clinging to hers.
Leave, just leave with Jason the very thought of it careened through Elizabeth's brain. She was caught off guard at how tempting it sounded to her.
Until that moment she had denied the extent of her feelings for this man, so well that even she didn't know how deep they were. She knew she had taken a big step earlier when she had told him that she wanted more from him. She had taken an even bigger step when she finally admitted to Lucky that she had feelings for Jason. But she was unprepared for the reality of just how much she really did feel for him until he held out his hand.
Elizabeth stepped closer to him, "Why do you even want me after all I've done to you, what I just did to you five minutes ago. Why, no how can you still care?"
"It's easier for you to believe Lucky, it's safer for you to believe him. Your scared about what will happen if you don't believe in Lucky anymore" Jason answered rubbing his hand over the back of his neck. "Lucky has changed, I know you say it's because of the kidnapping and the programming. But that doesn't change the fact that he has changed. You're fighting so hard to hold on to someone who isn't even there anymore Elizabeth."
"He needs me."
Patience gone Jason let loose, "What about what you need? I have watched you turn yourself inside out for months trying to please everyone but yourself. I saw how unhappy you were, and I tried to help. You let me help until you started feeling guilty and then you would push me away. I can't keep watching you do this to yourself. I can't keep letting you do this to me." Jason sighed heavily before continuing, "You need to be honest with yourself. When we first started talking, that is one thing you always told me, be true to yourself. Elizabeth you need to do that.
The tears slipped down her face at his words, he never forgot what she said, he always put her first, how could she keep hurting him like this.
Jason closed the distance between them and brought his hands up to her face, he gently rubbed his thumbs over her cheeks brushing away her tears. He drew her closer and lowered his head, his mouth looking for hers, their breath mingled, and at the last second she turned her head. Jason sighed and let her go.
"I don't want to hurt you Jason, and that seems to be all I do. Carly's right about me I don't deserve you, I am too selfish for you." She pulled away from him, her eyes searching his.
"A part of me has known, since last summer, when I first saw you again on the docks. I was angry and confused because of Lucky and then I turned around and there you were. I saw you smiling at me and things just clicked. I had missed you so much for so long and suddenly there you were."
Elizabeth ran her hand through her hair taking a deep breath before continuing. "But then there was Lucky. Who was back, just like I had prayed for so many times. You, more than anyone else, knew what losing Lucky did to me. Now he was back, how could I turn my back on him, especially when I knew there was something wrong with him. To do that would have been admitting that what we had was never really real, and I couldn't do that." Elizabeth moved over to the bench and sat down wearily.
"Then one night, I turned around, and there you were, you had on this brown shirt and you were smiling at me. Suddenly I felt happy again, I felt alive again, I felt hope," she broke off looking up at the sky, "then I felt guilty. Because I was so happy to see someone, and that someone wasn't Lucky."
Elizabeth turned to face Jason as he sat beside her, "You were actually the person who pushed Lucky and I together again. Did you know that? The whole time that he was telling me to be with Nikolas, I don't think he ever thought I would. He might have been programmed but he knew me. He knew that I would never look at Nikolas as anything but a friend. But then he saw how I looked at you. At that time I wasn't even aware of how I looked at you, but Bobbie saw it all those months ago before you left, and Lucky saw. He knew that while I would never turn to Nikolas, I could and would turn to you."
The wind tore at her hair and she tucked it behind her ear before continuing. "So when you left again, I buried those feelings that I was having about you, and I felt so guilty. Guilty because the only reason that Lucky had ever pushed me away to begin with was because of the programming. He still loved me. So everything was going to be perfect, right? I mean after all he was the love of my life. Everyone said we were so perfect together and how we were meant for each other."
Elizabeth shivered slightly as the wind blew around them, Jason reached over and took her hand. She focused on his hand, it was one of the first things she had truly noticed about him. His hands, they were big and strong, yet the made her feel so safe and protected. They were used to violence, but capable of so much gentleness.
Frowning she spoke, "Then you came back, and you saw through me like you always do. You saw that I was pretending. That this is the wind up doll version of Elizabeth, smiling on the outside to hide the fact that she was sad on the inside. You didn't come out and say anything, but you knew. I had gotten so used to what I was feeling that I really believed I was happy, until you said my name, and I turned around and found you in my studio."
Elizabeth broke off remembering, her hand tightening on his, "Happiness, real happiness crashed into me like a wave, for a brief second I let myself see the truth, that I was miserable. But then I shut that feeling off and let myself feel the guilt instead." She whispered, tears sliding down her face.
Jason shifted closer to her, but made no effort to speak. She was finally being honest, and as much as it hurt him to see her in pain, he had to let her finish.
"I didn't feel guilty all of the time, and that's why I kept coming back to you. Seeing you made me happy, being free with you made me feel alive. But I also needed the guilt that those things brought to help myself stay in control. Because it was wrong wasn't it, me being so happy with you and not Lucky?" She asked looking at him, her blue eyes locking briefly on his before turning away again.
"You tell me to put myself first, but that is what I have been doing. I knew before today that you had feelings for me, but I also knew that you would never push them on me. Because you always put me first, I knew that and I used it, I used you." Elizabeth said getting to her feet and walking away from him.
"So Carly's right I am selfish, I wanted you in my life but I couldn't tell you how much. So I let you see what no one else did, the unhappiness, the fear, the loneliness, because I knew you would never turn me away. Because Jason I know you." She finished as she turned to face him.
"Each time I promised Lucky I would stay away from you, a part of me knew I couldn't. Each time I told you to stay away from me, a part of me knew, that you would never turn me away when I came to you. I knew I was hurting you, and I did it anyway because I'm selfish, I was only thinking about what I needed," her eyes locked on his, "I always put myself before you."
Her body shook as she tried to hold back the tears. Jason stood and pulled her into his arms. She sighed as she felt his familiar embrace, as she inhaled his scent, the scent that chased her through her dreams. She wanted to stay there forever, to have him hold her and block out the world. But she couldn't for once she had to do what was right for him. She pulled out of his embrace, "You should be angry at me, not holding me."
"Don't tell me how to feel," Jason whispered, touching her face.
She sighed heavily before continuing, "When that fight on the docks happened, I knew it was my fault. That all my lying had finally caught up with me and I had hurt the two people I cared about the most. The one thought that echoed through my mind was I can't keep hurting them. Your right, I chose to believe Lucky because it was easier, because I knew you were stronger than Lucky. I knew that you didn't need me like Lucky did."
She looked up into his blue eyes then "But I knew, even then that you didn't attack Lucky. You wouldn't have because it would have hurt me too much. You have done everything you could since I met you, not to cause me any kind of pain. You knew that hurting Lucky would be the one thing that would hurt me the most. I knew you would never do that."
Jason let out a sigh, as relief entered his system. He has always hoped that she believed him, he just never knew until now how much he needed to hear those words from her.
"So knowing that, I had to take a good hard look at myself and at Lucky. Your right Jason, there is something wrong with him. When he attacked you and lied about it that proved something to me that I hadn't wanted to believe before. I wanted, no I needed to help him, and the one thing he wanted was for me to stay away from you. So I did, or at least I tried to but I couldn't stay away. That day in my studio, I knew how much I hurt you, it was one of the hardest things I ever did. But I had to do it, for once I had to take responsibility for my actions. You two were both hurt and it was my fault."
"You didn't cause this Elizabeth."
"Yes I did Jason, I did when I lied to myself. I set everything in motion, so we wound up here. The other day in the park I could see the pain I caused you, and yet I still couldn't stay away from you. I still needed you to make me feel better. Me. You just stood there and let me hurt you again."
Elizabeth bowed her head, "A little while ago I hurt you again, when I defended Lucky instead of you."
"Elizabeth, come with me." Jason said softly holding out his hand.
Elizabeth's eyes widened in wonder, even after all she had admitted to him, he still wanted her with him. She closed her eyes and bit hard on her lip, she used the pain to help focus her, so she could get through this. "Lucky once offered me his hand. I was lying broken and bleeding in the snow, and he held out his hand. With his help I learned how to be strong, stronger than I had ever been before. I learned how to laugh again, I learned how to dream, and to dream about the future. I learned how much I loved to paint, all because he held out his hand. He helped me become Elizabeth."
She sat on the bench, and looked blindingly at her feet, her voice softened, "When I thought I lost him, for the longest time, it felt like I had died too, only I was still breathing. You helped me feel alive again, and then you left too. I had just begun to discover who Elizabeth was without Lucky, and without you when Lucky came back."
"This time it's Lucky who is broken. Something happened to him and changed him, from the man I fell in love with. This time its' him that needs me. He needs my help. After everything he did for me, I can't walk away from him. Not now, when he may be fighting for his life." She finished hardening her resolve.
"But what about you Elizabeth," Jason asked.
"For once I am not thinking about what I need, I'm thinking about what is best for Lucky and what is best for you. You need to leave and I have to stay." Elizabeth finished on a sob.
Jason took a step back, "With Lucky?"
Elizabeth nodded, "I have to help him, I might be the only who can help him. Jason it's been real hard for me to look at myself in the mirror lately, and I would never be able to look at myself again if I didn't help him."
"W-what about you and me?" Jason asked roughly, he felt like someone had a vise on his heart.
Elizabeth took a deep breath, hating to say the words, but knowing she had to for him, "I need to let you go. I'll lean on you for as long as you let me and that is not fair to you. You deserve to be happy you deserve someone who will put you first. You deserve that more than anyone I have ever met. I can't no I won't ask you to wait around while I help Lucky."
"I decide what's fair for me," Jason argued.
Elizabeth felt her heart break. "I told you that once too, and you didn't listen to me. This time I'm not going to listen to you. I'm setting you free, because I need you to be happy and safe, or as safe as you'll let yourself be."
Elizabeth scrubbed her face trying to dry her tears, she didn't want him to remember her like this. She crossed to him and hugged him. His arms came around her immediately, pulling her closer into his embrace. She felt his lips in her hair and reluctantly pulled away. She could see a trace of tears in his eyes.
Swallowing hard she spoke "Be happy Jason. That is what would make me happy. Knowing that you are happy." As she turned to walk away from him, he caught her arm, and turned her back to face him.
"If you ever need me." He broke off as she placed her fingers on his lips, she felt him press a kiss in them, and turned away.
She took several steps before stopping, slowly she turned and looked back at him, he hadn't moved, he was still looking at her. His normal expressionless face was wracked in pain.
Without a word she ran back to him, his arms reached out and caught her pulling her into him. She reached up and dragged his head down to hers. His lips finally were pressing on hers. Desire held back for so long raced unchecked between them. His hand went to the back of her head, to bury themselves in her soft hair. He tilted her head up, to change the angle and deepen the kiss. His tongue traced her lips seeking admittance. She opened her mouth and let him in, and his tongue explored her sweetness. He felt her tongue enter his mouth and he closed his mouth around it to suck it.
How long they stood in that passionate embrace she didn't know. Finally they broke contact, to suck in some much needed air. She leaned her head on his chest, her arms beneath his coat, her hands resting on his back. She squeezed him hard, drawing herself closer against him. She stood there soaking up his warmth, his strength, trying to regain her balance. She closed her eyes, tightly trying to save this perfect moment in her mind.
She started to draw away, and reluctantly, he let her go. She looked up into his piercing blue eyes as he brought his hand up to her face gently tracing her soft skin, rubbing his finger over her swollen lips.
She caught his hand and dragged it back to her mouth, placing a kiss in the palm of his hand. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "I love Lucky and I always will." She said, keeping hold of his hand as he went to pull it away. She looked into his eyes, "But I am in love with you."
The she let go of his hand and turned walking blindly away from her heart. Jason stared after her stunned. Just what was he supposed to do now, he thought as he watched her walk away.