Fear Not What Has Passed
She had another dream.
The unfolding of the events in her mind broke through her subconscious, startling her awake as her light, blue eyes stared into the nothingness around her. It had been like someone stole her soul in that very moment and all she could do was feel herself becoming lifeless.
The transgressions of her past were so overwhelming at times. It had been a heavy burden to bear, the mark of the l'Cie. And even now, it still haunted her existence years later. The fact that she was older now and knew more than her younger self and the idealistic idea that perhaps she was wiser and stronger was the only thing she could really attach to her mindset.
It was the only way to keep herself ready for anything that came her way during their travels.
The long walks across plains, wastelands, or ruins always had her mind wondering. She tried very hard to not let her thoughts stray back to past instances, even more so the ones that involved her sister.
What really did her in was when she realized how she had still been doing stupid things even up to just mere months before the very moment she met Noel. And even now, she felt like anything she did was almost inadequate because she hadn't attributed anything worthwhile beforehand. All she had ever done was create problems and form more mistakes to tread her path from then to now.
It was not a form of self-hatred. There was no real way to describe it. In simpler terms, if she had to compare herself to her sister, she was always going to feel inadequate. Not to mention, standing beside any other she almost felt as if her image was tarnished. Her sister had been bold, brave, and held so much confidence in everything she did. Her past wasn't littered with as many mistakes, and she was still someone that could easily be admired.
It didn't bother her that she knew she would never be as great as she might've been had all these instances not occurred. It was just something she came to accept with time. But that didn't make her thoughts any easier when she had too much free time to think.
"Serah. Watch your step."
The thoughts that had been preying on her mind scattered in an instant as she blinked back to reality. Staring around her, she realized they had started approaching a cliff in the Sunleth Waterscape area. Noel had bent down slightly to help her up to where he was currently standing.
"You seem out of it today. Something up?"
She quickly shook her head while looking anywhere but at the man next to her. The last thing she wanted to do was for him to know all the worst parts of her and her past.
It seemed ironic though, for them to be traveling into the future. And in doing so, changing both the realm of the past and the very one they had just traveled to once again. What was more ironic was how she still hadn't revealed the darker shades of her past to him.
It was something she had been arguing with herself ever since she first laid eyes on the man. She had felt a twinge of strong feelings for him over time, but had kept that hidden too. There was no telling how he might've reacted to how she really felt about herself.
"Well I'm here if you wanna talk about it." The time traveler said this in the most sincere way a human ever could just before he began his climb up the cliff.
She wished she could tell him, to just pour her soul out in every way possible. There had been an aura about this man that had always made her feel calm. It made her feel like she belonged by his side. But that was yet another feeling she kept hidden away in the deepest recesses of her heart.
Her mind kept the past locked away, while her heart kept her true feelings buried away from view. Every day was truly an inner struggle, but when she saw his smile it made it worth every time she clashed against her inner demons.
The wind shifted lightly over the cliffed area just as they finally reached the top. Trees were encasing the small overlook they stood at, and a lone rock inhabited the ground nearby. A waterfall was directly in front of them and it traced downward into a river below.
It would've been a soothing and relaxing moment to anyone but Serah.
"You know sometimes it helps to talk about things."
The young woman glanced away while trying not to think about what he had just said. But his words had formed an idea in her mind. Maybe she should just tell him what was on her mind?
He didn't seem like he would judge her too harshly.
And then she recalled how harshly he went off on Snow and it almost made her cower away from the idea all together. She still hadn't replied to him, and she could feel his eyes staring over at her.
"This isn't something I should burden you with."
Noel tilted his head slightly before raising an eyebrow. "You won't know unless you tell me what it is."
She still looked away while starting to feel a major adrenaline rush take over her sense. Maybe she really should just tell him? She was always terrible at explaining herself though, but before she could really stop herself she turned and started saying it all in a huff.
"I was a l'Cie, and so many people died because of me. So many people were forced from their homes and lost their lives. And I've just made so many mistakes and said so many stupid things. I'm not the kind of woman anyone should fall in love with, I just don't deserve any kind of love. There's nothing special about me, nothing that I've done to be worthy of acknowledgement. I hurt Snow in the past during our relationship because of the stupidest things, and even now I still don't feel like I deserve the chance to receive love and trust from anyone, even more so from someone like you."
Serah stopped in a mid-shout just as she stumbled back slightly into the rock nearby. She slumped onto it while trying to process everything that she had just said, every dark trace that had lingered in her mind was now out in the open for Noel to see.
And all he did was smile.
To say she was nervous was an understatement. Her gaze was set on him now and all she saw was a smile on those perfect features of his. As she inhaled slightly, she watched as he started to move his arms around much as he did when he was about to start talking.
"Serah, you've pretty much just described any person's issues with themselves."
She gradually was exhaling as she began to draw on the words he just said to her.
"You were an l'Cie. You were branded. Not to sound cheesy, but I think everyone has been branded in some way that has caused negative things to happen not only to themselves but others. People might've died, but it wasn't you who had actually killed them. Overall, that stems from the fal'Cie. And you all took care of that problem."
Just as Serah was about to say something she was cut off as Noel continued his response.
"Secondly, you may not think you're special but to someone else you are. There are qualities that might go unseen to you but someone else sees them every day. To me, you're bright, charismatic when you're not stuck brooding over things like this, and you're beautiful. But Serah, you have the compassion to risk your life to help change the future, that's not something most people would be willing to do. Surely Snow has told you those things."
"Then back to Snow. Everyone is going to screw up in any kind of relationship. Whether it be a friendship or otherwise-It's not going to be easy all the time; you're going to have to go through hard things in order to feel stronger about your relationship with anyone. Doing stupid things comes with life. It's like that saying goes, we don't come with instructions."
"Lastly, if you never experience true love and complete trust, then you'll never know how to give it back to someone else-Including me."
He had gradually approached her and once he stood before her, he moved his hands on both of her shoulders. Staring directly into her eyes, he spoke a firm but comforting sort of voice.
"Don't beat yourself over things you can't change. We're here to build a better future. And yes there's still going to be times where we mess up and do the most moronic things. There's going to be days where we question why we're even bothering. But if you really love yourself and the person you're with, then it won't matter how hard things get, you'll still keep at it. You'll keep fighting to build that future with that person because they mean that much to you."
The sound of the wind blowing by once more was the only response that was given as Serah was listening to everything he said. She took it all in, storing it in her memory, hoping never to forget it. Because it was what she needed to hear.
His presence had already changed her life so much, and now his words were doing it all over again. A small smile formed on her lips just as she whispered in the softest of tones.
"Thank you Noel. I believe you've calmed my thoughts completely."
And as that ever-present smile appeared on his lips again, he moved his hands from her shoulders in order to grab the smaller hand that was Serahs.
"Glad I could help. Now let's find this artifact."
He held her hand as they walked along to the next area. It was a symbol that even though she had that darkness lingering in her past, he still accepted her as she was and was willing to walk with her into a brighter tomorrow. He still loved her all the same. And those sapphire eyes would always see her in the light of something that was far too precious to ever let leave his side.