Partners In Crime
"Pain is for the weak."—Low Wang
"My mom says two heads are better than one."—Naomi to 7 of 9 "Simplistic, yet applicable."—7 of 9's matter of fact reply. (2/10/99 Voyager episode)
Cast: Lupin III: Jigen: Goemon: Fujiko: Murisama: (Goemon's wife) Dominique La Trek: (also acts as a "narrator") Zenigata: Interpol Police: (I'm sure we'll have lots of them around) (More if I can think of them...)
Scene 1—Bali Temple in Kyoto...
(a grand number of reporters are surrounding a supposed "Shrine" that has been rumored being in Kyoto. But, all that is there is a rock with some kind of dial. Nothing really important...)
Reporter: This reporter wants to find out if the tabloids are correct. I know there is a Bali Shrine here. There always was one. It was owned by a very rich line of samurai, who are now dead, God rest their souls. Also, I know that somehow one could enter the shrine, and take all the gold and jewels worth billions...
(Lupin and Jigen are watching TV)
Jigen: Here we go again...
Lupin: We are going to Kyoto, buddy ! (slaps him on the back)
Jigen: But, we know nothing about how to get in.
Lupin: Simple, I have a hunch that this dial (points to the dial on the screen) will open a door, leading to the shrine below. Man, those samurai were clever in trying to hide their treasures from me ! But, they never thought I would come looking for them.
Jigen: You think that Zenigata will be involved if we go for the treasure ?
Lupin: (shrugs shoulders in a devil may care way) Ah, I dunno. Perhaps. I doubt it. He hardly thinks that news like this is of any importance.
Jigen: You're probably right, however, I think we should be careful...
Lupin: (laughs) We'll out run the old geezer if he tries to catch us !
Jigen: (smokes cigarette and sighs) Hopeless. Completely hopeless. You know we're not gonna be able to keep a hold of the treasure. Remember the Fuma Clan ? Remember Mamoo ? Remember...
Lupin: Shut up !
Jigen: (sighs, rolls eyes)
Lupin: You think Goemon would be willing to join our little escapade ?
Jigen: (asleep)
Lupin: Jeez, he's asleep already...And with a cigarette in his mouth. Jigen, do you ever learn ? (takes the cigarette out of Jigen's mouth and stamps it out on the floor. He tosses it in a garbage can. Over his cell phone, he calls Goemon.)
Meanwhile....
(Dominique is watching TV in her nice, little house)
Dominique: (narrating) I, Dominique La Trek, lady thief from the Highlands of Canada will make sure that I get a fair share of that gold...But, gee, I've had to drop one of my "jobs". One of them was my History Teaching job as Brittany Higgins. The second job, which is my favorite, is working (and stealing) from the bank as Anne Frank. I have to speak with a Jersey accent, since that is her character. The only thing I don't like about being Anne is the fact that she wears dresses and glasses. (pretends to gag, and keeps on writing in her diary) I like it much better here in Japan. People were too curious in Canada, even my own parents didn't trust me once they learned I stashed jewelry and such in my pockets. Too bad, I'll never see them again. (perks up) Oh, well ! (slams diary shut) I'll have to tell the boss that I'm taking an extended vacation by email. I have a feeling my life's about to change...I think I'm going to like this change. For once, I might end up as a wealthy woman rather than a middle class woman. (heads to her computer quickly and writes her boss an email. She laughs, sinisterly. ) I can't believe how gullible the Japanese can be. (she snickers) (begins to pack up stuff , and quickly heads out to her garage) Time to rev up the old '59 Chevy and shine up the old samurai sword...Heh. This is gonna be good ! (The last we see of Dominique is a shot of her speeding away in her '59 Chevy convertible...)
Scene 2—Lupin Sets Up His Plan
Lupin: Alright !
Jigen: (snoring, wakes up) Huh ? What ? What did I miss ?
Lupin: Come on, to the Fiat !
Jigen: (groans)
Lupin: You know you love treasure hunting...The action, the babes, the loot...
Jigen: (groans even more)
Lupin: (almost leaves Jigen standing there) Come on !
Jigen: WAAA !
(They find Goemon on the way out on "a night jaunt". In the car, we can hear oldies over the radio.)
Lupin: So, Goemon, you stud...How is your strapping wife ?
Goemon: Fine, just fine. We have a son, Goemon the II.
Jigen: How...original. (Takes a cigarette out of his pants pocket and lights it with a lighter after fishing it out of his breast pocket. Sighs after taking a smoke.)
Goemon: (sarcastically) Very funny, Jigen.
Fujiko: (speeds by on her motorcycle) Hey, Lupin !
Lupin: (happily) Fujiko !
Fujiko: I'll beat you any day...My motorcycle can go faster than your Fiat any day ! (speeds up, and laughs)
Lupin: (a little put off, he sighs)
Jigen: You know, she's right, Lupin. (chuckles)
Lupin: Silence ! (pauses, pouting) Of course I know she's right. (Crosses arms)
Scene 4—Guess Fujiko Didn't Make It to Bali Shrine First...
(When Lupin and the gang arrive to the Bali Shrine, someone else has turned the dial on the jade tinged rock...And, the shrine's underground door is open.)
Lupin: This is strange...
Fujiko: I don't like the fact that someone arrived here before us !
Goemon: (to Fujiko) I'm not going in there...You go in there.
Fujiko: (to Jigen) I'm not going in there, YOU go in there !
Jigen: (nervously) Don't look at me !
Lupin: At the most crucial time, you decide to chicken out on me...Typical. (sighs) Ok, ok ! I'll go in. Jeez, you guys are pathetic ! (runs into the shrine) I can't see. It's so...dark.
(While running to find the treasure, he bumps into someone on their way out. There is some light in this room, so we can see the lovely Dominique fairly well...)
Lupin and Dominique: Terribly sorry !
Dominique: (gasps)
Lupin: Who in heavens name are you ?
Dominique: (stutters) Well, I...
Lupin: Yes ? (smiles)
Dominique: I'm Dominique La Trek. I used to be a Canadian citizen, but now I live here. Of course, I'm a thief, like yourself. Wait a minute, aren't you Arsene Lupin III ?
Lupin: (proudly) None other !
Dominique: Heard a lot about you, Arsene...Shall I call you that, or do you prefer Arty ?
Lupin: (screwing up his face) Arty ?!
Dominique: I presume you just want to be called Lupin. Okie-dokie, I can do that. Jeez, I've got to be going...(almost forgets her treasure)
Lupin: Wait ! (grasps her hand) Your treasure, Dominique ! Can't leave without that...
(Soon...We hear the others enter, frantically)
Jigen: Bad news, Lupin...Seems Interpol Police found out about this. We've gotta split !
Lupin: Damn ! Them again ?
Fujiko: (angered) And just what do you think you are doing, Lupin ?
Lupin: (nervously letting go of Dominique's hand) Oh, nothing. Just helping this fine lady get her treasure back.
Goemon: No time for that ! The sirens are getting closer, and anytime soon, Zenigata will be here...
Lupin: Goemon, you go that way, Fujiko, Jigen and I, will go that way. You go alone, Dominique.
Dominique: (blushes, a little shocked) But, Lupin, how do I repay you ?
Lupin: Your smile's payment enough...(pauses) Go ! We'll be fine !
Dominique: (nods head, and runs off)
Lupin: (notices Dominique has a samurai sword as she leaves, and he thinks to himself) We'll meet again. I'm pretty sure of it.
(As they all leave with the treasure, the Police are behind them)
Fujiko: (to Lupin) Later ! (laughs)
Lupin: (angered) For once, will you stop mocking me ?
(Fujiko speeds away, still laughing maniacally)
Zen: Have any plans, yet, Sergeant ?
Policeman #1: Ok, Inspector...Half of us go (points) this way, and I lead the other half (points) this way and surround Lupin.
Zen: Good...Now get GOIN !
Policemen: We're gone !
(We hear "Cecilia Ann"—played by The Pixies, in the background. After the song, a news bulletin comes in...)
News DJ: This just in...A lost castle in Germany has been presumed to be filled with gold. Excavators from miles around haven't been able to put it in a museum, since this Castle...is filled with booby traps.
Lupin: (almost drooling) Guys ?
Jigen and Goemon: (fearfully) What ?
Lupin: We're going to Germany ! (looks back at the Cops) Gotta present for you, coppers ! (throws a smoke bomb in their direction...and they can't see...)
Policemen: (at different times) Hey ? Where did he go ?
Zen: (skidding to a stop, shaking fist) Hey, that was a dirty trick ! (coughs)
(Policemen are at the other side of the bridge, but Jigen activates this jump button)
Lupin: (Sticking out tongue to the cops) Jeez, give it up !
Goemon: (rolls eyes, to himself) So immature. I wonder how my wife and son are. Murisama must miss me. (prays for his wife and child) Protect them from danger, please God. (claps hands)
Jigen: (speeding up, to Lupin) Are those idiots still following us ?
Lupin: (Laughs) Yeah. I've got just the thing to slow them down. (Pulls out gun, shoots at their tires) HA ! BINGO ! (laughs) They can't keep up if they have flat tires.
Jigen: Awesome shot, Lupin.
Lupin: (polishing gun) Thanks, Jigen.
Scene 5—Cat Fight On A Cargo Boat
Dominique: (To herself) Luckily for myself, I heard the report over the radio. I wasn't able to rob the Bali Shrine totally, but luckily if I get to the Foster Castle first...I'll be home free. (blushes) Wow, that Lupin is kinda cute. (sighs) But, he's got that other girl. Ah, well...Maybe, just maybe I can find a guy just like him if I'm lucky. (laughs) Yeah, sure ! (jumps onto a boat with her '59 Chevy...And, Fujiko is on the same boat...) Y-You ?!
Fujiko: Oh, it's the little tramp that helped my beloved...
Dominique: No, he helped me. I would've done the same thing for him. I plan to help him. (smiles, and blushes) I-I love him.
Fujiko: (angrily) You're stepping over the line, sister ! This is my man we're talking about...
Dominique: Really, now ?
Fujiko: (running in rage, she tries to throw some punches at Dominique)
Dominique: You missed !
Fujiko: If you would only hold still, we could make this easier ! (Tries to hit her again. Dominique blocks with her sheathed samurai sword)
Dominique: Let's just shake hands and be friends. (pauses and smiles) It's really not my choice to decide who Lupin loves. We shall see soon...
Fujiko: I suppose. But, if he chooses me, you'll just be his friend, agreed ?
Dominique: Yes. (shakes hands, and slants eyebrow) And, what makes you think I would seduce him ?
Fujiko: (embarrassed) I didn't imply that you would !
Dominique: (tsks) Don't be so modest, Fujiko...I could see it in your eyes. You are very protective of your boyfriend, which you should be. I'm glad that you are.
Fujiko: (flattered) Thanks. (pauses) Friends ?
Dominique: (embracing her) Yep ! We'll be a team !
Scene 6—Germany, Foster Castle
(Fujiko and Dominique get to the Castle first. Dominique goes in first.)
Dominique: (Dodging arrows) Watch for the arrows, Fujiko !
Fujiko: (dodging arrows) Done, and (ducks) Whew ! Done !
(soon, Lupin and the gang have arrived)
Lupin: (following them) Already, Dominique beat us again. (pauses) That girl is fast !
Jigen: (a little slyly) I'd like to see her in action sometime...
Lupin: (groans) Come on !
Goemon: (sighs)
(They rob everything out of the castle and then, they hear sirens)
(They are all wearing the jewelry)
Jigen: Damn cops !
Goemon: Looks like we better get going.
(Again, we have another chase scene, but the cops lose out again. Lupin and the gang figure out Germany is a land just waiting to be pillaged.)
Dominique: Hey, you guys ! Look up ahead ! Another castle !
Lupin: (giddy) Just our luck !
Fujiko: We'll be able to stay the night here without the police following us.
Goemon: (claps hands) Thank God !
Jigen: (happily, taking another smoke) We're home free !
Scene 7—Under the Stars
(Everyone is asleep, the next Castle miles away. In the sky is a beautiful full moon and diamond-like stars.)
Fujiko: (yawns) I'll sleep in your car, Dominique. Is that alright ?
Dominique: Oh, sure ! (Sees Lupin asleep on the top of the Fiat. Jigen creeps into the front seat of the Chevy, taking another smoke and throws it out, sleeping...and snoring)
Goemon: Good night, Lupin. (falls asleep in the back seat of the Fiat)
Dominique: (lays on the top of the Fiat, poking Lupin in the ribcage to rouse him) Lupin ?
Lupin: (snorts, wakes up) What ? (almost screams when he sees Dominique at his side. Dominique covers his mouth with haste.)
Dominique: Shhh ! I don't want to rouse Fujiko. If she saw me with you...She'd kill me !
Lupin: (chuckles) Hey, just out of curiosity, but how did you arrive in Germany ?
Dominique: I heard the report over the radio, and I sped up to the nearest Cargo boat. It had almost left the dock, but I jumped just in time to land on the boat. Fujiko was already there. And, she wasn't happy. We fought, but then we shook hands and now we're friends.
Lupin: (enviously) I wish I could've seen that cat fight !
Dominique: (giggles, and sighs, resting her head on Lupin's chest. He gulps.) Aren't the stars beautiful night ?
Lupin: (stutters) S-sure.
Dominique: Won't it be great when we're rich...And, we won't have to worry about stealing anymore ? We can live as normal people ?
Lupin: (almost cries at that thought) All I've ever known is a life of crime. I'm sure you're the same.
Dominique: Yeah, I am. I live a fake life, a double life if you will...
Lupin: Lucky you. You've never been caught. I was once, but I was released. And, guess who bailed me out ?
Dominique: Fujiko ?
Lupin: Zenigata !
Dominique: (shocked) No way !
Lupin: Yep. It happened. Even I'm still shocked that he let me out. But, that persistent old fart is still chasing me...I don't understand it.
Dominique: Neither do I. I've never really understood a cop's mentality. Perhaps it's something we'll never understand.
(They sigh in unison)
Dominique: Tell me something, Lupin. (She looks at him, intently) Do you really love Fujiko ?
Lupin: (laughs) Of course I do !
Dominique: (Saddened) Oh.
Lupin: What's wrong ?
Dominique: (tries not to cry) If I told you this, you might think I'm crazy...
Lupin: (sitting up. She sits up as well. He puts one hand on her shoulder) Go ahead, tell me. I won't tell anyone else, I promise !
Dominique: (blushing) I love you, Arsene. I've never loved anyone like I love you, and it's tearing me apart inside. (cries)
Lupin: (shocked...He embraces her, caressing her back) That took courage, Dominique. I admire that.
Dominique: What ? You mean, you aren't angered at the fact that I love you dearly ? I am a little jealous of Fujiko...Man, what I wouldn't give to be her. (sighs)
Lupin: (kisses her)
Dominique: (pauses for a moment. They kiss again, and she climbs down from the Fiat) Lupin ?
Lupin: (almost sullenly) Yes ?
Dominique: I hope to God I find a man just like you someday...
Lupin: (winks) Oh, you will, Dominique. In fact, when we return to Japan, I'll introduce you to my brother, Jean-Luke.
Dominique: (blinks happily) Thank you. (pauses) Good night. (before falling asleep in the front two seats of the Fiat) God bless !
Lupin: You too, kid. You too ! (falls asleep)
Scene 8—Again, The Chase Continues
(The Lupin gang heads to Mac Donald's getting a "to go" breakfast and rob the next castle. Zenigata, panting, looking really tired, directs his men to chase Lupin, but they fall short. They're all too tired to chase him)
Everyone: (except Zen and the Interpol police) HA, HA !
Zen: (yawns) What are you waiting for...Get them...(Falls asleep and his foot turns the car off.)
Lupin: Yee-haw !
Fujiko: (in the lead) Back to Japan we go !
(Over the radio, we can hear "Blue Skies"—from Rocky Horror Picture Show. Everyone's eyes fill up with tears. Jigen does as well. Again, he takes a smoke.)
Goemon: It will be good to be back home...
Jigen: You said it, Goemon.
Lupin: Yeah, life will be normal for once !
(We see Lupin's Fiat disappear into the horizon last, after Dominique. Fujiko disappears first.)
Scene 9—Back Home
Dominique: (narrating, and writing in her diary) I made it back home alright. L met Jean-Luke, Lupin's brother. He is fairly similar to Lupin, except Jean-Luke isn't a thief. Jean-Luke is, get this...A lawyer ! (laughs) I am happy that I have met Jean. He is such a gentleman. I'm making good money as a banker still, but I play more than work thanks to the money I've made. Besides, it will help with the marriage payments and perhaps, children in the future. (smiles) But, I really don't have to worry about that now. I'm enjoying my time with Jean. Besides, if I marry Jean, I'll be a relative to Lupin, and after all...I'll be kin to Lupin ! (laughs, giddily) Ah, but how I miss Canada sometimes. If I could go back I would. I like it here in Japan better. But, they now know a little bit about Dominique La Trek thanks to the presses. Oh, well. Sooner or later Dominique La Trek would be discovered. They still don't realize that she is Anne Frank. But, what they don't know can't hurt them.
(In the background, we can hear "Canadian Sunset"—from the Out To Sea soundtrack)
Jean: (offering his hand to Dominique) Care to dance, my sweet ?
Dominique: (blushes) Would I ? Sure !
(They dance)
(We fade the scene after we see the two kiss)
Goemon II: Ah, dad ! I wish I could've gone with you !
Goemon: The life of a thief is no life for you. Just stick to being a samurai !
Goemon II: Dad, you're so silly !
Murisama: No, you're father really isn't silly.
Goemon: Listen to your mother, she knows what she's talking about. (Murisama giggles and kisses him on the cheek)
Murisama: I missed you, Goemon ! (hugs him)
Goemon: (sighs, almost dreamily) So did I. It's good to be back !
(After we fade that scene and see that Jigen is sitting back watching a popular Japanese TV show, and smoking, we see that Lupin is enjoying it too. We know that now, it's time for the credits. )
Black Screen...All characters dance to "The Suits Are Picking Up the Bill"—sung by Squirrel Nut Zippers. After that, the screen says "End". But, then, we see the director come out and say, "Wait ! Don't you want to stay for the bloopers ? They're really funny ! Great ! (smiles and he/she gives the "V" sign)
(On the screen, we see some printed letters. "Bloopers That Were Cut Out of the Film. Here For Your Viewing Pleasure !")
BLOOPER #1
(This is a retake on the "Bali Shrine Robbery")
Jigen: (worried, almost frantic) We've gotta hurry...Soon Zenigata will be here with the Interpol Police... (he chain smokes)
Goemon: Calm down ! Our fearless leader will figure this out !
Lupin: Huddle ! (Everyone in huddle) Ok, I, myself and Fujiko will go this way (points this way), Goemon will go that way, and you, Dominique...You go alone ! (Clicks teeth at her)
Fujiko: (hits Lupin upside the head)
Lupin: OW ! That smarts !
Fujiko: Maybe that'll knock some sense into you !
Lupin: (sarcastically) Not funny !
Everyone: (everyone puts one hand on the other, and they say) OOOOOHUH !
Jigen: (frantically) WAIT !
(Everyone stops, except Jigen who wants to ask a question.)
Jigen: (nervously) Uh, if any of you guys die...Uh, can I have your possessions.
Dominique: (Laughs hysterically)
Everyone: (Except Jigen) NO !
Jigen: Ok...Great. That's all I wanted to know.
BLOOPER #2
(Lupin and Dominique dance to "Nothing Really Matters"—sung by Madonna. This takes place at the end of the story.)
Fujiko: (rather ticked) Ahem ! (hands at sides)
Dominique: (laughs) Oh, yeah ! Heh, heh. (backs away, nervously)
Fujiko: (Dances with Lupin, and Dominique dances with Jean-Luke) Much better !
Jigen: Get down ! Uh-huh, uh-huh !
Goemon: (pointing to temple with finger)
Murisami: My sentiments exactly ! (chuckles)
Goemon II: (laughs) Such a silly person Jigen is !
BLOOPER #3
(Cops are following Lupin and the gang...This is during the first chase scene...somewhere in the middle of it...)
Jigen: (looking for a cigarette) I can't go on ! I can't seem to find a cigarette ! (looks in his pocket) Damn ! They aren't in there either ! Ahhhh ! NOOOO ! (breaks down)
(drives all over the road)
Lupin: Get a hold of yourself man ! I'm sure there's a Circle S-Mart around here somewhere...We'll get you a pack.
(Getting out of the car...He hugs Lupin, tightly)
Jigen: I LOVE YOU, MAN !
Lupin: (nervously) Y-yeah, I love you too !
(They stop near a Circle S-Mart)
Zenigata: (proudly) Lupin, you're under arrest.
Policemen: Yeah ! Give up !
Goemon: (springing from the car) YAAAA !
Policemen: (at different times) WAAA !
Ominous Voice: Due to the violence contained in this scene...Jeez, the stupid censors had to delete it. Back to the show...
Goemon: (sheathing sword) All too easy.
Lupin: Too bad the ladies weren't here to see that...
Jigen: Yeah, really a cryin' shame...Oh, well. Whaddya gonna do ?
(They flee, rather slowly)
Zenigata: Wait ! Wait a minute ! (angered) You win this time, but next time you won't be so lucky !
Lupin: (cockily) Uh-huh. Sure. Luck is my middle name, mister.
Zen: (throws hands up) Why ! WHY ?! WHYYY ?! (breaks down and cries)
Lupin: (the others leave to the Fiat, he can't take the sorrow that Zen is feeling) Don't worry about it, Inspector...You'll catch me again one of these days. I'm sure you will.
Zen: Yep, and then, I'll let you go again !
Lupin: (hits himself in the head) JEEZ !
Zen: (confused) What ?! What did I do ?
Lupin: Good day, Inspector. Don't waste your time trying to chase me...Just get yourself some coffee and doughnuts, and we can call this chance meeting a stalemate.
Zen: Okie-dokie !
Lupin: (muttering) Moron.
BLOOPER #4
(The final and last blooper...A Corny take on the ending. We hear the Romeo And Juliet Love theme. Lupin and Fujiko run to one another, kissing each other. Goemon II stands in the corner pretending to gag.)
Dominique: (looking at copy of script) Hey, this isn't in the script ! (to camera) You can't do that ! (To Lupin and Fujiko) YOU CAN'T DO THAT...Woah, you can't even do THAT on camera... Uh, things have gotten out of hand. Oops ! CUT, CUT, CUT ! Fade to black, do something...I'm witnessing R rated material here.
(Fade to black.)
Director: (To the actors) Take 2...And no "hanky panky" this time !
Lupin: Shoot !
Fujiko: Isn't that what the people came to see anyway ?
Jigen: They didn't see anything. They just heard the grass rustle. (pauses, sarcastically) Oooo ! I'm so excited. I just heard the grass rustle !
Goemon: Let me do this one...I've got a good one. Got a wooden statue of Bill Gates ?
Director: Why for ?
Goemon: (evilly) Target practice, ha, ha !
Director: (dumbly) Uh, ok.
(In the background, we can hear The Entertainer, as they quickly set up the set)
(Finally we hear the beginning music from Samurai Shodown )
Goemon: Bill Gates, you have gone too far. Don't you realize Windows 98 is just a replication of Windows 95 ?
(We hear some crows caw)
Goemon: This is unforgivable. I shall not allow this torture anymore. Prepare to die ! (Cuts Bill Gates head off, and the wooden head hits Goemon in the head) OW !
(Everyone laughs, except for Goemon, who is rubbing his bruised head)
Director: Ah, beautiful ! That's the type of ending I want !
(Everyone claps)
In the end, the credits for the bloopers role, and we hear "Creep" sung by TLC in the background.
TO EVERYONE WHO HELPED MAKE THIS FILM...THANKS ! TO MIYAZAKI AND TO MONKEY PUNCH, THANKS FOR THE LUPIN MOVIES. SEEING ONE MAKES ME WANT TO SEE (AND POSSIBLY OWN) THE OTHERS ! I WILL ALWAYS LOVE LUPIN AND HIS GANG ! THANKS TO EVERYONE, AND ESPECIALLY THANKS FOR THE MEMORIES ! WRITING THE SCRIPT WAS A BLAST ! )
Lots of love, Elizabeth Berndt {April 23, 1999}
"Pain is for the weak."—Low Wang
"My mom says two heads are better than one."—Naomi to 7 of 9 "Simplistic, yet applicable."—7 of 9's matter of fact reply. (2/10/99 Voyager episode)
Cast: Lupin III: Jigen: Goemon: Fujiko: Murisama: (Goemon's wife) Dominique La Trek: (also acts as a "narrator") Zenigata: Interpol Police: (I'm sure we'll have lots of them around) (More if I can think of them...)
Scene 1—Bali Temple in Kyoto...
(a grand number of reporters are surrounding a supposed "Shrine" that has been rumored being in Kyoto. But, all that is there is a rock with some kind of dial. Nothing really important...)
Reporter: This reporter wants to find out if the tabloids are correct. I know there is a Bali Shrine here. There always was one. It was owned by a very rich line of samurai, who are now dead, God rest their souls. Also, I know that somehow one could enter the shrine, and take all the gold and jewels worth billions...
(Lupin and Jigen are watching TV)
Jigen: Here we go again...
Lupin: We are going to Kyoto, buddy ! (slaps him on the back)
Jigen: But, we know nothing about how to get in.
Lupin: Simple, I have a hunch that this dial (points to the dial on the screen) will open a door, leading to the shrine below. Man, those samurai were clever in trying to hide their treasures from me ! But, they never thought I would come looking for them.
Jigen: You think that Zenigata will be involved if we go for the treasure ?
Lupin: (shrugs shoulders in a devil may care way) Ah, I dunno. Perhaps. I doubt it. He hardly thinks that news like this is of any importance.
Jigen: You're probably right, however, I think we should be careful...
Lupin: (laughs) We'll out run the old geezer if he tries to catch us !
Jigen: (smokes cigarette and sighs) Hopeless. Completely hopeless. You know we're not gonna be able to keep a hold of the treasure. Remember the Fuma Clan ? Remember Mamoo ? Remember...
Lupin: Shut up !
Jigen: (sighs, rolls eyes)
Lupin: You think Goemon would be willing to join our little escapade ?
Jigen: (asleep)
Lupin: Jeez, he's asleep already...And with a cigarette in his mouth. Jigen, do you ever learn ? (takes the cigarette out of Jigen's mouth and stamps it out on the floor. He tosses it in a garbage can. Over his cell phone, he calls Goemon.)
Meanwhile....
(Dominique is watching TV in her nice, little house)
Dominique: (narrating) I, Dominique La Trek, lady thief from the Highlands of Canada will make sure that I get a fair share of that gold...But, gee, I've had to drop one of my "jobs". One of them was my History Teaching job as Brittany Higgins. The second job, which is my favorite, is working (and stealing) from the bank as Anne Frank. I have to speak with a Jersey accent, since that is her character. The only thing I don't like about being Anne is the fact that she wears dresses and glasses. (pretends to gag, and keeps on writing in her diary) I like it much better here in Japan. People were too curious in Canada, even my own parents didn't trust me once they learned I stashed jewelry and such in my pockets. Too bad, I'll never see them again. (perks up) Oh, well ! (slams diary shut) I'll have to tell the boss that I'm taking an extended vacation by email. I have a feeling my life's about to change...I think I'm going to like this change. For once, I might end up as a wealthy woman rather than a middle class woman. (heads to her computer quickly and writes her boss an email. She laughs, sinisterly. ) I can't believe how gullible the Japanese can be. (she snickers) (begins to pack up stuff , and quickly heads out to her garage) Time to rev up the old '59 Chevy and shine up the old samurai sword...Heh. This is gonna be good ! (The last we see of Dominique is a shot of her speeding away in her '59 Chevy convertible...)
Scene 2—Lupin Sets Up His Plan
Lupin: Alright !
Jigen: (snoring, wakes up) Huh ? What ? What did I miss ?
Lupin: Come on, to the Fiat !
Jigen: (groans)
Lupin: You know you love treasure hunting...The action, the babes, the loot...
Jigen: (groans even more)
Lupin: (almost leaves Jigen standing there) Come on !
Jigen: WAAA !
(They find Goemon on the way out on "a night jaunt". In the car, we can hear oldies over the radio.)
Lupin: So, Goemon, you stud...How is your strapping wife ?
Goemon: Fine, just fine. We have a son, Goemon the II.
Jigen: How...original. (Takes a cigarette out of his pants pocket and lights it with a lighter after fishing it out of his breast pocket. Sighs after taking a smoke.)
Goemon: (sarcastically) Very funny, Jigen.
Fujiko: (speeds by on her motorcycle) Hey, Lupin !
Lupin: (happily) Fujiko !
Fujiko: I'll beat you any day...My motorcycle can go faster than your Fiat any day ! (speeds up, and laughs)
Lupin: (a little put off, he sighs)
Jigen: You know, she's right, Lupin. (chuckles)
Lupin: Silence ! (pauses, pouting) Of course I know she's right. (Crosses arms)
Scene 4—Guess Fujiko Didn't Make It to Bali Shrine First...
(When Lupin and the gang arrive to the Bali Shrine, someone else has turned the dial on the jade tinged rock...And, the shrine's underground door is open.)
Lupin: This is strange...
Fujiko: I don't like the fact that someone arrived here before us !
Goemon: (to Fujiko) I'm not going in there...You go in there.
Fujiko: (to Jigen) I'm not going in there, YOU go in there !
Jigen: (nervously) Don't look at me !
Lupin: At the most crucial time, you decide to chicken out on me...Typical. (sighs) Ok, ok ! I'll go in. Jeez, you guys are pathetic ! (runs into the shrine) I can't see. It's so...dark.
(While running to find the treasure, he bumps into someone on their way out. There is some light in this room, so we can see the lovely Dominique fairly well...)
Lupin and Dominique: Terribly sorry !
Dominique: (gasps)
Lupin: Who in heavens name are you ?
Dominique: (stutters) Well, I...
Lupin: Yes ? (smiles)
Dominique: I'm Dominique La Trek. I used to be a Canadian citizen, but now I live here. Of course, I'm a thief, like yourself. Wait a minute, aren't you Arsene Lupin III ?
Lupin: (proudly) None other !
Dominique: Heard a lot about you, Arsene...Shall I call you that, or do you prefer Arty ?
Lupin: (screwing up his face) Arty ?!
Dominique: I presume you just want to be called Lupin. Okie-dokie, I can do that. Jeez, I've got to be going...(almost forgets her treasure)
Lupin: Wait ! (grasps her hand) Your treasure, Dominique ! Can't leave without that...
(Soon...We hear the others enter, frantically)
Jigen: Bad news, Lupin...Seems Interpol Police found out about this. We've gotta split !
Lupin: Damn ! Them again ?
Fujiko: (angered) And just what do you think you are doing, Lupin ?
Lupin: (nervously letting go of Dominique's hand) Oh, nothing. Just helping this fine lady get her treasure back.
Goemon: No time for that ! The sirens are getting closer, and anytime soon, Zenigata will be here...
Lupin: Goemon, you go that way, Fujiko, Jigen and I, will go that way. You go alone, Dominique.
Dominique: (blushes, a little shocked) But, Lupin, how do I repay you ?
Lupin: Your smile's payment enough...(pauses) Go ! We'll be fine !
Dominique: (nods head, and runs off)
Lupin: (notices Dominique has a samurai sword as she leaves, and he thinks to himself) We'll meet again. I'm pretty sure of it.
(As they all leave with the treasure, the Police are behind them)
Fujiko: (to Lupin) Later ! (laughs)
Lupin: (angered) For once, will you stop mocking me ?
(Fujiko speeds away, still laughing maniacally)
Zen: Have any plans, yet, Sergeant ?
Policeman #1: Ok, Inspector...Half of us go (points) this way, and I lead the other half (points) this way and surround Lupin.
Zen: Good...Now get GOIN !
Policemen: We're gone !
(We hear "Cecilia Ann"—played by The Pixies, in the background. After the song, a news bulletin comes in...)
News DJ: This just in...A lost castle in Germany has been presumed to be filled with gold. Excavators from miles around haven't been able to put it in a museum, since this Castle...is filled with booby traps.
Lupin: (almost drooling) Guys ?
Jigen and Goemon: (fearfully) What ?
Lupin: We're going to Germany ! (looks back at the Cops) Gotta present for you, coppers ! (throws a smoke bomb in their direction...and they can't see...)
Policemen: (at different times) Hey ? Where did he go ?
Zen: (skidding to a stop, shaking fist) Hey, that was a dirty trick ! (coughs)
(Policemen are at the other side of the bridge, but Jigen activates this jump button)
Lupin: (Sticking out tongue to the cops) Jeez, give it up !
Goemon: (rolls eyes, to himself) So immature. I wonder how my wife and son are. Murisama must miss me. (prays for his wife and child) Protect them from danger, please God. (claps hands)
Jigen: (speeding up, to Lupin) Are those idiots still following us ?
Lupin: (Laughs) Yeah. I've got just the thing to slow them down. (Pulls out gun, shoots at their tires) HA ! BINGO ! (laughs) They can't keep up if they have flat tires.
Jigen: Awesome shot, Lupin.
Lupin: (polishing gun) Thanks, Jigen.
Scene 5—Cat Fight On A Cargo Boat
Dominique: (To herself) Luckily for myself, I heard the report over the radio. I wasn't able to rob the Bali Shrine totally, but luckily if I get to the Foster Castle first...I'll be home free. (blushes) Wow, that Lupin is kinda cute. (sighs) But, he's got that other girl. Ah, well...Maybe, just maybe I can find a guy just like him if I'm lucky. (laughs) Yeah, sure ! (jumps onto a boat with her '59 Chevy...And, Fujiko is on the same boat...) Y-You ?!
Fujiko: Oh, it's the little tramp that helped my beloved...
Dominique: No, he helped me. I would've done the same thing for him. I plan to help him. (smiles, and blushes) I-I love him.
Fujiko: (angrily) You're stepping over the line, sister ! This is my man we're talking about...
Dominique: Really, now ?
Fujiko: (running in rage, she tries to throw some punches at Dominique)
Dominique: You missed !
Fujiko: If you would only hold still, we could make this easier ! (Tries to hit her again. Dominique blocks with her sheathed samurai sword)
Dominique: Let's just shake hands and be friends. (pauses and smiles) It's really not my choice to decide who Lupin loves. We shall see soon...
Fujiko: I suppose. But, if he chooses me, you'll just be his friend, agreed ?
Dominique: Yes. (shakes hands, and slants eyebrow) And, what makes you think I would seduce him ?
Fujiko: (embarrassed) I didn't imply that you would !
Dominique: (tsks) Don't be so modest, Fujiko...I could see it in your eyes. You are very protective of your boyfriend, which you should be. I'm glad that you are.
Fujiko: (flattered) Thanks. (pauses) Friends ?
Dominique: (embracing her) Yep ! We'll be a team !
Scene 6—Germany, Foster Castle
(Fujiko and Dominique get to the Castle first. Dominique goes in first.)
Dominique: (Dodging arrows) Watch for the arrows, Fujiko !
Fujiko: (dodging arrows) Done, and (ducks) Whew ! Done !
(soon, Lupin and the gang have arrived)
Lupin: (following them) Already, Dominique beat us again. (pauses) That girl is fast !
Jigen: (a little slyly) I'd like to see her in action sometime...
Lupin: (groans) Come on !
Goemon: (sighs)
(They rob everything out of the castle and then, they hear sirens)
(They are all wearing the jewelry)
Jigen: Damn cops !
Goemon: Looks like we better get going.
(Again, we have another chase scene, but the cops lose out again. Lupin and the gang figure out Germany is a land just waiting to be pillaged.)
Dominique: Hey, you guys ! Look up ahead ! Another castle !
Lupin: (giddy) Just our luck !
Fujiko: We'll be able to stay the night here without the police following us.
Goemon: (claps hands) Thank God !
Jigen: (happily, taking another smoke) We're home free !
Scene 7—Under the Stars
(Everyone is asleep, the next Castle miles away. In the sky is a beautiful full moon and diamond-like stars.)
Fujiko: (yawns) I'll sleep in your car, Dominique. Is that alright ?
Dominique: Oh, sure ! (Sees Lupin asleep on the top of the Fiat. Jigen creeps into the front seat of the Chevy, taking another smoke and throws it out, sleeping...and snoring)
Goemon: Good night, Lupin. (falls asleep in the back seat of the Fiat)
Dominique: (lays on the top of the Fiat, poking Lupin in the ribcage to rouse him) Lupin ?
Lupin: (snorts, wakes up) What ? (almost screams when he sees Dominique at his side. Dominique covers his mouth with haste.)
Dominique: Shhh ! I don't want to rouse Fujiko. If she saw me with you...She'd kill me !
Lupin: (chuckles) Hey, just out of curiosity, but how did you arrive in Germany ?
Dominique: I heard the report over the radio, and I sped up to the nearest Cargo boat. It had almost left the dock, but I jumped just in time to land on the boat. Fujiko was already there. And, she wasn't happy. We fought, but then we shook hands and now we're friends.
Lupin: (enviously) I wish I could've seen that cat fight !
Dominique: (giggles, and sighs, resting her head on Lupin's chest. He gulps.) Aren't the stars beautiful night ?
Lupin: (stutters) S-sure.
Dominique: Won't it be great when we're rich...And, we won't have to worry about stealing anymore ? We can live as normal people ?
Lupin: (almost cries at that thought) All I've ever known is a life of crime. I'm sure you're the same.
Dominique: Yeah, I am. I live a fake life, a double life if you will...
Lupin: Lucky you. You've never been caught. I was once, but I was released. And, guess who bailed me out ?
Dominique: Fujiko ?
Lupin: Zenigata !
Dominique: (shocked) No way !
Lupin: Yep. It happened. Even I'm still shocked that he let me out. But, that persistent old fart is still chasing me...I don't understand it.
Dominique: Neither do I. I've never really understood a cop's mentality. Perhaps it's something we'll never understand.
(They sigh in unison)
Dominique: Tell me something, Lupin. (She looks at him, intently) Do you really love Fujiko ?
Lupin: (laughs) Of course I do !
Dominique: (Saddened) Oh.
Lupin: What's wrong ?
Dominique: (tries not to cry) If I told you this, you might think I'm crazy...
Lupin: (sitting up. She sits up as well. He puts one hand on her shoulder) Go ahead, tell me. I won't tell anyone else, I promise !
Dominique: (blushing) I love you, Arsene. I've never loved anyone like I love you, and it's tearing me apart inside. (cries)
Lupin: (shocked...He embraces her, caressing her back) That took courage, Dominique. I admire that.
Dominique: What ? You mean, you aren't angered at the fact that I love you dearly ? I am a little jealous of Fujiko...Man, what I wouldn't give to be her. (sighs)
Lupin: (kisses her)
Dominique: (pauses for a moment. They kiss again, and she climbs down from the Fiat) Lupin ?
Lupin: (almost sullenly) Yes ?
Dominique: I hope to God I find a man just like you someday...
Lupin: (winks) Oh, you will, Dominique. In fact, when we return to Japan, I'll introduce you to my brother, Jean-Luke.
Dominique: (blinks happily) Thank you. (pauses) Good night. (before falling asleep in the front two seats of the Fiat) God bless !
Lupin: You too, kid. You too ! (falls asleep)
Scene 8—Again, The Chase Continues
(The Lupin gang heads to Mac Donald's getting a "to go" breakfast and rob the next castle. Zenigata, panting, looking really tired, directs his men to chase Lupin, but they fall short. They're all too tired to chase him)
Everyone: (except Zen and the Interpol police) HA, HA !
Zen: (yawns) What are you waiting for...Get them...(Falls asleep and his foot turns the car off.)
Lupin: Yee-haw !
Fujiko: (in the lead) Back to Japan we go !
(Over the radio, we can hear "Blue Skies"—from Rocky Horror Picture Show. Everyone's eyes fill up with tears. Jigen does as well. Again, he takes a smoke.)
Goemon: It will be good to be back home...
Jigen: You said it, Goemon.
Lupin: Yeah, life will be normal for once !
(We see Lupin's Fiat disappear into the horizon last, after Dominique. Fujiko disappears first.)
Scene 9—Back Home
Dominique: (narrating, and writing in her diary) I made it back home alright. L met Jean-Luke, Lupin's brother. He is fairly similar to Lupin, except Jean-Luke isn't a thief. Jean-Luke is, get this...A lawyer ! (laughs) I am happy that I have met Jean. He is such a gentleman. I'm making good money as a banker still, but I play more than work thanks to the money I've made. Besides, it will help with the marriage payments and perhaps, children in the future. (smiles) But, I really don't have to worry about that now. I'm enjoying my time with Jean. Besides, if I marry Jean, I'll be a relative to Lupin, and after all...I'll be kin to Lupin ! (laughs, giddily) Ah, but how I miss Canada sometimes. If I could go back I would. I like it here in Japan better. But, they now know a little bit about Dominique La Trek thanks to the presses. Oh, well. Sooner or later Dominique La Trek would be discovered. They still don't realize that she is Anne Frank. But, what they don't know can't hurt them.
(In the background, we can hear "Canadian Sunset"—from the Out To Sea soundtrack)
Jean: (offering his hand to Dominique) Care to dance, my sweet ?
Dominique: (blushes) Would I ? Sure !
(They dance)
(We fade the scene after we see the two kiss)
Goemon II: Ah, dad ! I wish I could've gone with you !
Goemon: The life of a thief is no life for you. Just stick to being a samurai !
Goemon II: Dad, you're so silly !
Murisama: No, you're father really isn't silly.
Goemon: Listen to your mother, she knows what she's talking about. (Murisama giggles and kisses him on the cheek)
Murisama: I missed you, Goemon ! (hugs him)
Goemon: (sighs, almost dreamily) So did I. It's good to be back !
(After we fade that scene and see that Jigen is sitting back watching a popular Japanese TV show, and smoking, we see that Lupin is enjoying it too. We know that now, it's time for the credits. )
Black Screen...All characters dance to "The Suits Are Picking Up the Bill"—sung by Squirrel Nut Zippers. After that, the screen says "End". But, then, we see the director come out and say, "Wait ! Don't you want to stay for the bloopers ? They're really funny ! Great ! (smiles and he/she gives the "V" sign)
(On the screen, we see some printed letters. "Bloopers That Were Cut Out of the Film. Here For Your Viewing Pleasure !")
BLOOPER #1
(This is a retake on the "Bali Shrine Robbery")
Jigen: (worried, almost frantic) We've gotta hurry...Soon Zenigata will be here with the Interpol Police... (he chain smokes)
Goemon: Calm down ! Our fearless leader will figure this out !
Lupin: Huddle ! (Everyone in huddle) Ok, I, myself and Fujiko will go this way (points this way), Goemon will go that way, and you, Dominique...You go alone ! (Clicks teeth at her)
Fujiko: (hits Lupin upside the head)
Lupin: OW ! That smarts !
Fujiko: Maybe that'll knock some sense into you !
Lupin: (sarcastically) Not funny !
Everyone: (everyone puts one hand on the other, and they say) OOOOOHUH !
Jigen: (frantically) WAIT !
(Everyone stops, except Jigen who wants to ask a question.)
Jigen: (nervously) Uh, if any of you guys die...Uh, can I have your possessions.
Dominique: (Laughs hysterically)
Everyone: (Except Jigen) NO !
Jigen: Ok...Great. That's all I wanted to know.
BLOOPER #2
(Lupin and Dominique dance to "Nothing Really Matters"—sung by Madonna. This takes place at the end of the story.)
Fujiko: (rather ticked) Ahem ! (hands at sides)
Dominique: (laughs) Oh, yeah ! Heh, heh. (backs away, nervously)
Fujiko: (Dances with Lupin, and Dominique dances with Jean-Luke) Much better !
Jigen: Get down ! Uh-huh, uh-huh !
Goemon: (pointing to temple with finger)
Murisami: My sentiments exactly ! (chuckles)
Goemon II: (laughs) Such a silly person Jigen is !
BLOOPER #3
(Cops are following Lupin and the gang...This is during the first chase scene...somewhere in the middle of it...)
Jigen: (looking for a cigarette) I can't go on ! I can't seem to find a cigarette ! (looks in his pocket) Damn ! They aren't in there either ! Ahhhh ! NOOOO ! (breaks down)
(drives all over the road)
Lupin: Get a hold of yourself man ! I'm sure there's a Circle S-Mart around here somewhere...We'll get you a pack.
(Getting out of the car...He hugs Lupin, tightly)
Jigen: I LOVE YOU, MAN !
Lupin: (nervously) Y-yeah, I love you too !
(They stop near a Circle S-Mart)
Zenigata: (proudly) Lupin, you're under arrest.
Policemen: Yeah ! Give up !
Goemon: (springing from the car) YAAAA !
Policemen: (at different times) WAAA !
Ominous Voice: Due to the violence contained in this scene...Jeez, the stupid censors had to delete it. Back to the show...
Goemon: (sheathing sword) All too easy.
Lupin: Too bad the ladies weren't here to see that...
Jigen: Yeah, really a cryin' shame...Oh, well. Whaddya gonna do ?
(They flee, rather slowly)
Zenigata: Wait ! Wait a minute ! (angered) You win this time, but next time you won't be so lucky !
Lupin: (cockily) Uh-huh. Sure. Luck is my middle name, mister.
Zen: (throws hands up) Why ! WHY ?! WHYYY ?! (breaks down and cries)
Lupin: (the others leave to the Fiat, he can't take the sorrow that Zen is feeling) Don't worry about it, Inspector...You'll catch me again one of these days. I'm sure you will.
Zen: Yep, and then, I'll let you go again !
Lupin: (hits himself in the head) JEEZ !
Zen: (confused) What ?! What did I do ?
Lupin: Good day, Inspector. Don't waste your time trying to chase me...Just get yourself some coffee and doughnuts, and we can call this chance meeting a stalemate.
Zen: Okie-dokie !
Lupin: (muttering) Moron.
BLOOPER #4
(The final and last blooper...A Corny take on the ending. We hear the Romeo And Juliet Love theme. Lupin and Fujiko run to one another, kissing each other. Goemon II stands in the corner pretending to gag.)
Dominique: (looking at copy of script) Hey, this isn't in the script ! (to camera) You can't do that ! (To Lupin and Fujiko) YOU CAN'T DO THAT...Woah, you can't even do THAT on camera... Uh, things have gotten out of hand. Oops ! CUT, CUT, CUT ! Fade to black, do something...I'm witnessing R rated material here.
(Fade to black.)
Director: (To the actors) Take 2...And no "hanky panky" this time !
Lupin: Shoot !
Fujiko: Isn't that what the people came to see anyway ?
Jigen: They didn't see anything. They just heard the grass rustle. (pauses, sarcastically) Oooo ! I'm so excited. I just heard the grass rustle !
Goemon: Let me do this one...I've got a good one. Got a wooden statue of Bill Gates ?
Director: Why for ?
Goemon: (evilly) Target practice, ha, ha !
Director: (dumbly) Uh, ok.
(In the background, we can hear The Entertainer, as they quickly set up the set)
(Finally we hear the beginning music from Samurai Shodown )
Goemon: Bill Gates, you have gone too far. Don't you realize Windows 98 is just a replication of Windows 95 ?
(We hear some crows caw)
Goemon: This is unforgivable. I shall not allow this torture anymore. Prepare to die ! (Cuts Bill Gates head off, and the wooden head hits Goemon in the head) OW !
(Everyone laughs, except for Goemon, who is rubbing his bruised head)
Director: Ah, beautiful ! That's the type of ending I want !
(Everyone claps)
In the end, the credits for the bloopers role, and we hear "Creep" sung by TLC in the background.
TO EVERYONE WHO HELPED MAKE THIS FILM...THANKS ! TO MIYAZAKI AND TO MONKEY PUNCH, THANKS FOR THE LUPIN MOVIES. SEEING ONE MAKES ME WANT TO SEE (AND POSSIBLY OWN) THE OTHERS ! I WILL ALWAYS LOVE LUPIN AND HIS GANG ! THANKS TO EVERYONE, AND ESPECIALLY THANKS FOR THE MEMORIES ! WRITING THE SCRIPT WAS A BLAST ! )
Lots of love, Elizabeth Berndt {April 23, 1999}