a/n: i apologize in advance for the crappiness of this. i wrote it at two a.m. while highly caffeinated and sleep-deprived, if that's any excuse, but it's depressing and really really horrible, so i'm just going to ask you to please not review too harshly. k? ;)
also: i do NOT own Pretty Little Liars, Spoby, or "Sad Beautiful Tragic" by the beautiful Taylor Swift. unfortch.
xoxo,
-Ana
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{sad beautiful tragic}
"and you've got your demons, and darling, they all look like me"/spoby
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It begins unexpectedly.
It begins with a tentative "I'm here to tutor you." A book, Le A'ttrape Coeur. A thought that maybe just maybe the broken-down bad boy and the slowly-sinking good girl weren't so different, after all.
(Maybe, in fact, they're soul mates.)
It begins with a shirt, of worn blue material. With a Scrabble game that she lost. With a flutter that she felt when sapphire locked with mocha, with his desire to hold her and never (ever, ever, ever) let her go. With a kiss that neither one was prepared for.
(And, just like that, they're in love)
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It ends unexpectedly.
With a secret accidentally exposed. With a night of racking sobs after she discovers that the boy she loves, who claimed to love her, is not at all who she thought he was. With the blowout confrontation that never (ever, ever, ever) should've happened.
(Maybe, in fact, they're a mistake)
It ends with her cursing his name every night before crying herself to sleep. With a handwritten note taped to her door that she leaves in the pouring rain until his pleading words (I will always love you. are washed away, ink bleeding down the page like black tears. With him leaving town in the truck she'd given him ("I love you so much." "I wanted to say that first.") off to who knows where, with a broken heart and a crushed spirit. With two souls left broken, because they've lost all they ever needed, ever wanted, ever loved.
(And, just like that, their intertwined worlds have crumbled)
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[But]
As much as he'd hurt her, as wrong as they were, she is still hopelessly, desperately in love with him.
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[But]
As much as he had to lie, as much as loving her destroys him, he is still hopelessly, desperately in love with her.
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Because Spencer loves Toby, through all the pain. Through every secret. Through every obstacle.
And Toby loves Spencer, through all the hurt. Through every lie. Through every tragedy.
Why can't that be enough?
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Sometimes, she dreams.
She dreams of a world, far from Rosewood and all the facades, all the lies, all the horror. A world of brilliant blue skies the color of his eyes, with breezes as soft as his loving caress, and vibrant sunsets, a world where they can love one another without it tearing them apart.
In her dreams, he wears a sweet smile, his eyes sparkling, and she's whole again.
And they're happy. So, so happy.
But then she wakes up, and her fantasies become just that. Fantasies.
And she cries because they'll never (ever, ever, ever) be real.
And Spencer and Toby will never be real again, either.
(Who knew if they ever really were?)
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She's built up solid, a structure made of strength, of toughness, of unbreakable spirit. She's put up a wall over her heart. She lets no one in. No one sees her cry every night. No one sees her grow frailer and frailer. No one sees her slowly fading away into a ghost of who she once was.
(They really are all blind to the real Spencer Jill Hastings, aren't they?)
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Toby, once upon a time, tore down her walls. He opened her heart. He let her believe that hope, that possibility, that love, was real.
But it all turned out to be the biggest lie of all. Because while he opened her up, he tore her down.
He is a wolf in sheep's clothing, a prince charming turned into a toad, and her happily ever after is so far gone.
(She really was blind to the real Toby Cavanaugh, wasn't she?)
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When they meet again, it's three years later, and neither one has forgotten the feeling of the other's lips over theirs, of the sight of the other's dimpled smile, of the bliss that accompanied being in the other's arms.
(But they've given up on happily ever afters)
She's sitting in the far corner of an almost-empty coffee shop in Philadelphia, idly stirring the last dregs of her latte with her coffee straw when she hears the jingle of a new customer entering.
Reflexively, she looks up.
Into a pair of icy blue eyes that she would recognize anywhere.
[But]
She doesn't see a wolf in sheep's clothing, a prince charming turned into a toad, a faceless figure in a black hoodie.
{She sees}
A boy crying in an empty, silent alley.
She sees a look of wonder as she tosses a pair of keys to a tan Chevy.
She sees desperation as he fights off police officers to declare his love for her.
She sees a loving smile as he kisses her goodnight.
She sees the boy she fell in love with, and who gave her something to hope for.
And he sees her.}
"Spencer." The voice that sends shivers down her spine, that makes her knees weak, that makes the words I love you have meaning again.
"Toby."
(And, just like that, she's reborn.)
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fin
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