So I jujjed up the first 4 chapters a little since 1. They were awfully written (not that it's any better now) and 2. I really wanted to type "jujjed" somewhere. Jujjy.
I wish you could see how everything that you do affects me. Then again, I'm really glad you can't. I'm scared that you'll hate me, show me how disgusted you are, how you would hate the thought of my feelings for you.
Everything about us is killing me. Being together, laughing, joking, being apart, falling out, making up, pretending that I think someone else is the object of my feelings just to stop you prying any further. It really tests every little ounce of strength in me to sit here listening to you go on about my brother. My brother. How he doesn't love you, how he's so thickheaded, how he never listens. I'm here. I'm listening. I love you.
"... Ginny?"
I look up "huh?"
'Ginny, were you listening?" She makes a disapproving face that soon dissolves into a worried expression.
"Uh, yeah?" I try to bluff my way through this, knowing that if she asks what's wrong I might just crumble tonight. Hermione puts her hand on my arm and I can feel myself blush. I hate my skin.
"Are you okay?" she narrows her eyes in concern.
"I... " I nod. I don't trust myself to do anything more.
"You really don't look it, did you eat today?"
I glare at her "of course I did! I have red hair and freckles, I can't go without food for a whole day" I joke and try to laugh a little, she smiles at that and my heart melts. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to just leave her with the idea that I like her? Merlin, who am I kidding? It's Hermione. She'd figure out that I was uncontrollably in love with her too easily. She's got that concerned look again "Seriously Ginny, what's wrong? I'm your best friend, I can try to help?" I want to spill my guts and tell her, but I want her to feel the same and the uncertainty of that holds me back. trying to force a smile I reply with a quick "nothing" but she doesn't buy it. Even I can feel my smile faltering. My façade cracking. She can tell it's something big now. I can see it in her eyes. She's really worried and it hurts me. Knowing that I can't tell her but at the same time I'm making her feel terrible. "I'll be fine in the morning, just Quidditch nerves" I give her an odd smile and a hug and start up the staircase to the 5th year dorms still red from the brief contact with her and the thought of how stupid I'd been.