You player-killing scumbag! – Yami, Yu-Gi-Oh manga, volume 7
Er, right. This story came to me when I was cooking frozen hamburgers. Now, I normally don't really like the pre-made patties, but when I'm hungry, I'll eat it (as long as it doesn't move). But they wouldn't come apart! So I called them frozen meat products of doom and did many of the same things Bakura here did. Well, maybe minus the sending of things to the Shadow Realm…Oh, and I blame this all on my brother. He was the one that wanted hamburgers.
Disclaimer: Nope, not yet.
Bakura and the Evil Frozen Meat Products of Doom
It was a simple task. Throw some frozen hamburgers on the frying pan and cook 'em up for lunch. What stated as a simple task soon turned into a fight for survival! And a very hungry Ryou…
Once upon a time in the city of Domino, a teenage albino-looking boy was relaxing on the couch in his living room watching old reruns of the first season of Pokemon. He yawned and stretched, immensely enjoying his day off. No chores. No need to move, except to grab the remote or a cold smoothie from the coffee table. He couldn't remember a day when he'd felt more at peace.
Today was Ryou Bakura's birthday and his yami had generously agreed to do all of Ryou's chores. Well, more or less. The hikari had had to threaten to take away Bakura's desert privileges before the tomb robber had actually agreed to do it. But hey, the ends justify the means, right?
And such a quiet, calm, happy, relaxing birthday it was—
CRASH!
Ryou leapt to his feet and dashed to the room where his father displayed the rarest, most beautiful artifacts he found on his excavations in Egypt. Why, oh why had he let Bakura do the dusting in there? Well, perhaps 'let' wasn't exactly the right word; the thief hadn't actually volunteered to do it, but still-! He had promised he would be careful, extra super careful, which was really a stupid thing to make Bakura promise because for a thief he could be quite clumsy sometimes.
When Ryou reached the room he was out of breath, but he nearly stopped breathing altogether at the sight before him: Bakura standing over a pile of rubble holding a ridiculous looking feather duster; said pile of rubble actually being one of Ryou's father's personal favorite vases.
"It's not my fault," Bakura said indifferently. "You told me to dust in here. And how do you expect me to do it properly with this bunch of ostrich feathers?" He waved the feather duster in Ryou's face, creating a cloud of dust and making Ryou cough.
"Well you're not supposed to whack it so hard that you knock it off the shelf and break it into pieces!" Ryou choked out through the dust.
"Well, you're not supposed to make your yami do your chores. Or force him into a French maid's outfit!" he snapped, gesturing at the ridiculous cleaning outfit. "Unless he or she is in fact French and a maid!"
"I thought it would look cute," Ryou said as he stared down at his feet.
Bakura's glare, whish gave Seto Kaiba's a run for its money, softened a bit at his hikari's dejected stare. "Maybe I can fix it," he said gruffly. The Millennium Ring started glowing from it's position at Bakura's chest as he began chanting in Egyptian. The scattered pieces of the vase started glowing and trembling. Ryou took heart. Maybe it could be fixed!
The pieces gave one final shudder before bursting into even smaller pieces, resulting in a pile of very fine gray dust.
"Whoops," Bakura said, scratching the back of his head. "Guess it can't be fixed."
"That was a priceless vase from a little-known dynasty!" Ryou protested. "Whoops isn't going to fix it!"
"And I've probably stolen that vase before!" Bakura shot back. "It does look rather familiar. I'll bet your grave-robbing father stole it from my secret hiding place!" He kicked at the pile of dust. "Anyway, it's probably just from Pharaoh Spiky-Hair-Big-Shot-Duelist's puny dynasty. No big deal."
Ryou let out a strangled cry and had a thirty second mental breakdown. Then he turned to Bakura. "You. Kitchen. Now. Go make lunch."
"But-"
"Go!" Ryou made little shooing motions with his hands.
"Fine, but-"
"Go!"
"Can I at least change?"
"No!"
And so Bakura made his way to the kitchen. As he did so, he found himself humming "I Want it That Way" by the Backstreet Boys.
"You are my fire. The one desire. Believe when I say. I want it that way. Oh gods, the dress is getting to me." He paused. "Ryou? What should I make?"
"Just cook some frozen hamburgers," Ryou called from the artifact room, desperately trying to shape the pile of dust back into a vase.
"But I don't know how!"
Ryou sighed and sat up. "Look, it's easy. You take the hamburger out of the freezer – the patties are already pre-made and everything. You throw them on a frying pan. When one side's done, you flip them. Then when they're cooked -- cooked, not raw like your steaks -- you stick them on buns. Viola. That's it."
"What's a…hamburger?"
This time Ryou sweatdropped and struck an open palm against his forehead. "Little round edible patty things made of beef."
"Beef?"
"Cows."
"Cows?! You mean you eat cows? Live cows?! Poor cows!"
"Bakura, you're not a vegetarian."
"Oh yeah." Still humming the Backstreet Boys song, he went to the freezer and pulled out the hamburgers. He opened the package and took a patty out, only to realize that two were stuck together. So he tried to pull them apart.
They refused to be separated.
"Ra damned…" Bakura pulled harder. They still stuck. "Why you…" Bakura pulled harder still. And the two frozen hamburgers defeated him still. "That's it!" The tomb robber snatched up a steak knife and started stabbing the frozen meat. "Die, you evil frozen meat products of doom!" he cried, hacking away at the meat, sending small chunks of rock-hard frozen hamburger flying everywhere. "A curse! A curse upon you and your family! May the sands of Egypt consume you and the gods smite you! DIE!"
"Bakura!!!" Bakura turned around to face a very startled Ryou standing in the kitchen doorway. "What in the name of every god in existence are you doing?!"
"Uhhh…making hamburgers?"
"…" Ryou sweatdropped and strode over to his yami, slipping the knife out of the thief's hands and deftly separating the two partially mutilated chunks of hamburger with it. He put them on the frying pan and turned the stove's burner on. "Watch those. Don't let them burn." He handed Bakura a spatula. "Here. Play Spongebob Squarepants."
Bakura hesitantly took the spatula. "You mean, pretend these are Krabby Pattys?"
"Errr…sure."
Grinning, Bakura waved the spatula with a flourish. "I can make Krabby Pattys."
Ryou sweatdropped and went back to Pokemon.
So, undaunted even after his messy start, the dashing, brave, cunning, sneaky, brilliant, and oh so sexy tomb robber stood watch over the now sizzling hamburgers, spatula in hand, humming yet another song:
"Don't you know you're goin' too fast? Ba-da-ba! Racin' so hard you know it won't last! Don't you know, why can't you see? Slow it down, read the signs so you know just where you're going!"
Before the thief knew it, he was dancing around the kitchen, using the spatula as a microphone.
"Stop right now! Thank you very much! I need somebody with the human touch! Hey you! Always on the run! Gotta slow it down baby, gotta have some fun!"
Unfortunately for the thief, while he was having a grand old time dancing around and singing a Spice Girls song, the hamburgers, unattended as they were, were turning a nice crispy black color.
The smell hit him first. It wasn't a pleasant smell, but one he knew well from his tendencies to light random fires with the lighter he kept in his pocket every once in a while. And while he didn't hate the smell, it probably wasn't a good sign considering the hamburgers sitting on the stove.
The noise hit him second.
"AH! Shut up!" Bakura yelled at the shrieking fire alarm as he rushed over to the now flaming hamburgers. "A little smoke and you start screaming, sheesh." He took the charred remains of the hamburgers off the stove. "SILENCE!" he shouted as he delved into the Shadow Powers of the Millennium Ring. "BEGONE!" The shrieking abruptly stopped as the fire detector was sent to the Shadow Realm. "HAHA!" Then the frying pans and the burnt hamburgers were gone. "HA!" Then the stove.
An exasperated sigh came from the kitchen doorway. "Bakura, what did you send to the Shadow Realm this time?"
The tomb robber spun around and gave a sheepish grin. "Uh…Nothing…"
Ryou looked skeptically at the empty space where his oven used to be. "Uh huh." He walked to the phone and dialed the number to the Kame Game Shop. "Yeah, hi, Yugi. Can you put Yami on? Thanks." Pause. "Hi Yami. No, nothing dead this time. Nope. Uh huh. No, you don't have to send him to the Shadow Realm. Nothing important really…just my oven…and the fire alarm. Oh, and a frying pan." A brief pause. "I know, but it's cast-iron. You gotta get that back. Ok. Yeah, thanks. Later." He hung up. "Yami's gonna bring the oven back. And all that other stuff."
As if to prove his statement true, the oven suddenly appeared in the middle of the kitchen.
"Well, Yami never was very good with his aim." The fire alarm fell onto Bakura's head. "I take that back."
The two put the oven back in place and Ryou went to hook the fire alarm back up…leaving Bakura alone. Not a very good idea.
"La dee da dee da!" Bakura sang as he skipped around the kitchen juggling three very sharp steak knives and one large butcher knife. "Bum ba da bum! Playing with knives is fun!" Suddenly, he tripped over a rolling pin. "AH!"
THUMP.
CLATTER.
STAB.
"Ow."
Bakura lay on the kitchen floor among the scattered knives. "This…whole…kitchen is out to get me…"
Slowly, as not to impale himself on the knives, Domino's favorite tomb robber eased himself up. Once he got his feet under him, he smirked. "Ha! I'm safe now!" Or so he thought. For as he began his triumphant strut out of the kitchen, he tripped over the handle of the butcher knife and went down like a sack of potatoes. Idaho potatoes. Oh yes.
Now, his right eye was twitching. "That's it!"
"What's it?" Ryou asked, back to check on his yami.
"IT!"
"Uh…It? Like that clown from that Stephen King book?"
"Enough is enough!"
"Uh…"
"And fair is fair!"
"But…"
"F-A-R-E, that spells fair!"
"Well, yes, but you're thinking of fare as in cost, you mean F-A-I-R."
"Whatever." With that, Bakura sent the kitchen and all its content to the Shadow Realm in a great flash of purple and black light.
--
"BAKURA!"
"Uh…Sorry?"
"BRING US BACK RIGHT NOW!" Pause. "AND MY KITCHEN!"
Bakura shifted his weight back and forth from foot to foot. "Um…Well, the thing is…I can't…"
"WHAT?!?!?!"
"I used all of my Shadow Power to send us here!" he shouted as he clenched his eyes shut, hoping that if he couldn't see Ryou's angry face, maybe the boy wouldn't be able to hit him. "Not to mention all that other stuff I sent here earlier…"
Sighing, Ryou reached in his pocket and pulled out his cell phone. Heaving another sigh, he dialed the number he'd gotten so familiar to dialing when Bakura got them in such situations. "Hi, Yugi."
--
"Yami!" Yugi called, sitting at the kitchen table with his math homework. "Ryou's on the phone."
Yami only growled. "What has the tomb robber done this time?" The tomb robber.
Yugi shrugged. "Dunno." He held out the phone. "Unless you want to do my math homework, you'd better take this."
He didn't. Modern day math confused the Pharaoh so much. So he took the phone and held it to his ear. "What'd he do this time?"
"He sent my kitchen to the Shadow Realm!"
Yami shook his head in exasperation. The things that tomb robber did sometimes. Yami had to admit, he did liven things up for the often-bored Pharaoh. Sure dueling was all fun and good, but it got boring. And Kaiba! How many times can someone be so thoroughly beaten and still choose to come back for more?
"We're stuck here now!"
Yami blinked. "Huh?"
"I aid e're suck ere ow!"
"Ryou, I think I'm losing you."
"OF COURSE YOU'RE LOSING ME, YOU BUFFOON, I'M CALLING FROM THE SHADOW REALM! DO YOU HONESTLY THINK THERE ARE MANY CELL PHONE TOWERS HERE?!?!" Of course, Yami didn't hear any of that, as the phone went dead against his ear.
Narrowing his eyes at the phone, he shouted, "Why can I not hear Ryou anymore?! What have you done, you voice trapping mechanism?!?!?" He sent the phone to the Shadow Realm, where, unknown to him, it landed on Bakura's head.
Yugi's eyes widened a bit, though he was used to his yami sending household items to the Shadow Realm, convinced that they were possessed or monsters of some sort. (It must be a yami thing). "Uh, Yami? Why'd you send my phone to the Shadow Realm?"
"Beeeecause it stole Ryou's voice."
"No…He probably just lost the signal. He must've been on his cell phone."
"…Oh." Now, what to do? Well, as the Pharaoh, Yami had a responsibility to all of his friends. It was his obligation to save Ryou from the Shadow Realm. And from Bakura. And from…whatever else lurked there…
Speaking of…
"Oh no!" Yami gasped.
Yugi, who was in the middle of an especially difficult problem, groaned. "What now?"
"What if they run into…you know who?!"
"Voldemort?" Ok, why was Yami talking about Harry Potter all of a sudden?
Yami frowned. "No. Y'know, psycho bad guy. Evil. The dark one."
"Errr…Sauron?!" Lord of the Rings now, huh?
"NO! Come on! We just sent him to the Shadow Realm last season!"
Yugi still looked lost.
"He has really spiky hair."
"Ok, that narrows it down to about half the people on the show. Including us."
"His face stretches."
"Oooooh! Him!" Yugi gasped. "That would be horrible if Ryou met up with him! I mean, Bakura probably wouldn't care, him being just as psycho, but Ryou? No! We gotta save him!"
Yami nodded. "My thoughts exactly. We have no time to lose. Let's go!"
Yugi regretted leaving his math homework unfinished (Yeah, right. Let's face it, he was glad to get away from it.) but he agreed. They were about to leave for the Shadow Realm when a knock came at the door.
"What?!" Yami answered the door like he usually did.
He came face to face with none other than Seto Kaiba.
"Let's duel," the tall brunette said, holding up his deck with one hand, his other hand carrying his shiny bullet-proof metal briefcase.
"No!"
"But, I'll beat you this time! I can do it! Come on, I'll thoroughly humiliate you!"
Rolling his eyes, Yami leaned closer to the CEO. "Look, Kaiba, I'd be happy to hand you another defeat, but we're kind of busy at the moment."
Kaiba's eyes gleamed in the last slanting rays of the setting sun. "Oh. I see how it is. You're afraid I'll beat you this time. You don't want to lose you're title. So you'll just sit here in your house, cowering like a whipped dog."
"I am not a dog!" Yami and Kaiba turned to see Joey walking by. "Heh, sorry," he called, once he realized the insult wasn't directed towards him. "It's a habit."
Kaiba rolled his eyes and turned back to Yami. "Have I hit the nail on the head?"
Yami's eyes narrowed. "Hardly."
"Then duel me."
"I have to go-"
"Coward."
The Pharaoh glared at his dueling rival. "I know you did not just call me a coward."
"I know I did."
Growling, Yami looked at Yugi. "Go back to your homework. We're not leaving yet." Then he disappeared into the dusk with Kaiba.
Yugi sighed. Not at the thought of Ryou being in danger. He sighed because now he'd have to go back to his math homework.
--
"Owww…" Bakura rubbed his head. "Why do things keep falling on my head today?"
Ryou picked up the phone. "Hey, I think this is Yugi's phone. Now how will I contact the outside world?!?!"
"Ummm, call some other friends?" Bakura suggested, picking some pieces of phone-plastic out of his hair.
"I don't have any other friends." He threw himself at his yami. "I am friendless. I'm so invisible. People don't notice me and I'm sooooooo depressed. I'm just going to die, Die. DIE!" He started sobbing. (There. That was for all those angsty fanfics. Not that they're bad. Some are quite good. I just like to make fun of them!)
Bakura patted Ryou awkwardly. "Umm…What about Joey? Or Tristan? Duke? I could go on. Ummm…Kaiba? Mokuba?"
"Ryou sat up. "Oh yeah. Guess I forgot about them."
Bakura sweatdropped.
"Or maybe you just wanted an excuse to jump on the tomb robber." The two looked up at the deep voice. Though they couldn't quite place it, it sounded strangely familiar…
A dark shadow emerged from the swirling mists. A young man. Egyptian with blonde hair. Hair that looked like he'd stuck his finger in an electrical socket and been shocked to get it to stand up so much.
Ryou gasped. "You!"
Bakura gasped. "Hey! Malik! Long time no see!"
Marik's dark half, the half that had been banished to the Shadow Realm for all eternity, grinned. Here's my way out, he thought, his evil gaze falling onto Ryou. A new host would be in order until I get the Millennium Rod back…This could work very nicely for me.
"Yo, spiky! What are you cackling so manically at?" Bakura asked.
"Oh, nothing. Nothing at all…"
--
END
Will Yami win his duel with Kaiba? Will he be able to save poor Ryou? Will Malik's evil plan work? And what happened to lunch?! Geez, they must be hungry…
Haha, I just read the 7th Yu-Gi-Oh manga. Bakura's so crazy! He's all, "Rar! I'm gonna turn you into a miniature! And you'll be stuck in my game! Forever! Bwahaha!" It was kind of like that duel between Bakura and Yami in Duelist Kingdom. A lot like it, actually. But still cool. Speaking of, the Duelist Kingdom series comes out next! Yay! Of course I'm going to read them all!