Last-Minute Letter
A letter Gary might write to "Rudolph" on Christmas Eve. One-shot. Small Christmas Who spoilers.

(sings) Scurvy ain't for the likes o' me, ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho… Merry Christmas, y'all! Kissed anyone under the mistletoe yet? If not, it's not too late!
In the meantime, This one is something I pulled out of the deepest darkest corner of my mind (and hastily set about editing); something I penned back when I was a SpongeBob slash-virgin and Christmas Who was an episode I'd only seen, what, once or twice. It's set after Christmas Who.
Disclaimer: I don't own SpongeBob SquarePants, and even if I did, it's already too far gone for anyone to appreciate my input.
Band8PGeek.

To: Santa's Workshop, North Pole
Wherever That Is

From: Bikini Bottom, New York
United States

Dear Rudolph,
My name is Gary and I am a boy cat. I live in the great city of Bikini Bottom with my owner. Of course, that's in United States, but I'll bet you knew that!!
Rudolph, I've been a good cat this year (honest!!) and the 3 presents I would like the most for Christmas are a big can of Snail-Nip, a slime ball (with only 60-percent slime, mind!) and a lifetime supply of bubble soap. (Please put in a good word with Santa for my owner too!)

P.S. Rudolph, I also wanted to say that...
Actually, I'm a snail, not a cat, but this is an Internet-written letter (can't tell the Internet what to do and all that). And, as you may well know, you've probably never visited Bikini Bottom. (stops to argue something out with owner) I repeat, despite what my owner SpongeBob SquarePants thinks, who's happened to have seen the one and only Santa Claus, who looks a little bit like my owner's cranky neighbour Squidward Tentacles, come to think of it; you've probably never visited Bikini Bottom. Thus, I've enclosed a map to Bikini Bottom. (Since it was drawn by someone who can't draw, I'll make things a little clearer. Bikini Bottom is that big town in the ocean next to Florida, I forget the name; with the Krusty Krab in it, and a rock, an Easter Island head and a pineapple all next to each other. The EI head is in the middle. Just so you can recognise the place.)
By the way, the lifetime supply of bubble soap is for SpongeBob. Don't put it in my stocking; I'm allergic to it. Brings me out in a rash. Oh, and be sure to pop a grand piano (or if you're out of stock of those, any string or percussion instrument) outside the Easter Island head. That cranky neighbour Squidward Tentacles I mentioned earlier lives there, and his clarinet playing is really starting to get on my nerves. He only plays classical music on it. Can't stand the stuff. On second thoughts, don't bother with the musical instruments; just slip in some music sheets for Livin' La Vida Loca.

Love,
Gary
XXX