I saved her when she was little – only seven years old at the time. And yet, she never forgot. And even when I confessed to everyone that it was my fault… Even when everyone else blamed me, and most of the kids hated me even more than they already had…
"Thank you! Thanks for saving me, big sis…!"
Not out of some obligation or anything. Just… because she was that grateful. I mean, yeah. I saved her life. But it never would've been in danger if not for me! She should've been blaming me for nearly killing her, not thanking me for fixing a fraction of the mess I had stupidly made…
She must have remembered that still. She came to me… trusting me to save her again. Trusting me to save the world from the mess she had been helpless to stop from spreading.
And what did I do? I ignored her. I yelled at her. I didn't even recognize her. And I had no idea what she was trying to tell me – beginning…
She was counting on me. Her 'big sister.' …And I let her down, big time.
What a goddamn idiot.
Her ghost hasn't appeared to me since the day I saw her body. I hope that means she's been able to move on… no thanks to me.
…It's almost like… if only I had realized what she was getting at…
People would've already been infected, yeah, but… how many lives would've been spared if we'd found the cure faster? But… that's being ridiculous, right? There's no way I could have known…
…Right?
…Even though… she was counting on me to know…
And I know that this blame won't get me anywhere. It can't change anything – and that's the thing: nothing I do can change anything. Maybe that's why I can't seem to shake this off. Or grief, I guess… All of this, it's not like I could think about any of it during the pandemic. It's bad enough to sit around moping now, but it would've cost lives back then.
Rose… I'm sorry. I'm so sorry…
My eyes are getting wet. Damn it… not here.
The door to my office opens and a head pops in, and I realize whoever it was had knocked and I hadn't paid any attention. …Naomi. Another victim of the pandemic. I helped save her, I guess…
I shouldn't blame myself for the pandemic. I guess.
But at least Naomi didn't die. I… don't know if I could handle that.
She's still in a hospital gown. It seems like she ought to be fine now, but since the thing she was infected with was so weird and she was so weak at the time… not to mention that Alyssa is still hospitalized as she recovers from the bombing anyway… we ended up deciding to keep an eye on her for a while longer. I guess I kinda feel better knowing she's here, too; I don't have to worry about her so much this way.
"…I wanted to thank you," she begins with the worst timing possible.
..."Thank you! Thanks for saving me, big sis…!"...
Naomi looked like she was about to say something else, like explain what she was thanking me for, exactly, but stops, frowns, and comes to my side of the desk to put a hand on my shoulder. I realize that my cheeks are wet… well, that explains that, I guess.
"What's wrong?"
I look away, wiping at my cheeks, even though it's pretty pointless right now. "It's… nothing, really. Just, um… well… you know. Rose is dead…" It's more complicated than that. A lot more complicated than that. But grief doesn't need explanation, and there's no reason to hide that. Anyone would grieve when someone they knew died…
Naomi nods, and I guess she probably doesn't see the connection. But that's fine. I hope she's never lost anyone, but even if she hasn't, she probably knows that grief is weird anyway. (You learn a lot about that growing up in an orphanage… Everyone there had lost their parents one way or another, whether it was death or… well, awful shitty parents.)
She pulls over a chair to sit closer to me. "Grief is hard," she acknowledges. "…Even if it does get easier with time…"
She sounds like she's speaking from experience, but I won't pry. Certainly not right now. Instead, I just nod. "I know."
Naomi looks just a little uncomfortable for some reason. Maybe because of what she said before… "But you know you're not alone."
I'm not alone, so I should talk to someone about it. I kinda suspect that's what she's getting at… Yeah. I know, that's what all of them would say. That I can talk to them. Not that they don't mean it from the bottom of their heart. I know they do. That's… kinda not really the issue. The issue is that I can't talk to them about it. I can't talk about it at all. I just… I don't know how to put it into words. "I know," is all I can say. Because I do know I'm not alone anymore, at least.
"Look at me," she says, though not harshly. When I do, she meets my eye before saying again, "You're not alone."
I kinda… think about opening up to her. Would that be okay? I mean… I've only known her for like, not even two weeks. But when I try to imagine talking to the others… I don't know. It's kind of… hard. Like I'm not sure they'd get it? I'm not sure why I think Naomi would, though. I don't want her to be able to! But I look at her, wondering. I don't want to ask if I can talk to her, because that kind of forces her to say yes. And if she indicates no, it'll… really sting right now. (Damn I hate being vulnerable like this…)
She kinda sounds like she'd be willing to listen, except… I think she's imagining more like normal I miss her or even I wish I could've protected her somehow… not… what I would say.
"She…" I begin, then stop, feeling suddenly overwhelmed. My heart is hammering and I don't really know why.
Naomi puts a hand on my arm; whether it's because I stopped before I said basically anything or if my expression shows how I'm weirdly feeling afraid, I don't know. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I try to push the words out, only they don't want to. It hurts, like they're trapped. I'm scared… Will she think it's my fault too? It's stupid – even though I'm feeling that way, I don't want her to…
She doesn't seem annoyed. Like she's thinking, It's okay. Take your time. Except, it's not really okay. None of this is okay…
I move my arm and take her hand, feeling kind of reassured when she lets me. I've gotta focus on that. I know way too well that if I focus on the fact that I'm afraid, it's gonna turn into a damn avalanche and I could end up totally panicking. (I haven't gone there in a long time… I'd like to keep it that way.)
"She came to me," I say, finally starting again. "I mean, her ghost. …You already knew about that, I know. But… She asked for my help! She kept asking me to help her, even though all she could say was her last words… and what did I do?" My hand tightens around hers, but she doesn't say anything of it. "Nothing. Only… ignored her. Or kinda found it a curiosity, but… I never even recognized her…!"
I want to hide my face. That wouldn't have much purpose at this point. She'd still know I'm crying. (It's not like that's a recent development, anyway…) My free arm wraps around my body. Like that'll do anything to hide me… Stupid. God damn, when did I become so stupid…?!
"What… What if… it's my fault?"
Shit. Shit. That's not how I meant that question to come out. I've gotta try that one again.
"I mean… if only I'd figured out what she meant… we could've found an antiserum sooner… we could've saved so many people's lives…!"
She drops my hand and hugs me, and I cry on her shoulder. "How could you have known? All she said was 'beginning'; how in the world would you have been able to infer the pandemic from that? Even had you recognized her, you didn't even know about the special properties of her blood, did you?" I shake my head, so she continues. "No one could have possibly guessed that."
"But… when the weird bruises started showing up around the time she did… I should've figured it out!"
"Don't be ridiculous!" she says, but it's not exactly harsh. More like she's trying to get through to me, I know. "That conclusion… Nobody would've taken you seriously. It would be a huge leap of logic. 'These things are timed the same, so clearly her blood should be investigated for an antiserum, because a pandemic is about to begin.' There's no way anybody would have come up with that!"
She's right, and that kind of wears away at my layer of… self-blame, I guess. "But she was counting on me to save her…!" …is what I keep coming back to. "She trusted me, and I… I let her down…"
Naomi is quiet for a bit. I'm not sure whether she doesn't know what to say or if she's choosing her words… or thinking about something else. Either way, I'll wait. I don't really know what to say myself… "I'm sure she knew it was a long shot," she says after a while. "If no one even knew about the virus, I'm sure she understood it would be hard for anyone to understand the situation from that."
"But… she was helpless and reached out for me to save her…! Like I did last time…"
"Last time?" she repeats, questioning.
I… hadn't been meaning to bring that up. Damn it. Too late now. I steel myself. "When I was 14, there was a fire at my orphanage. …When we were all running away, I heard her crying, and so I saved her. Of course I did."
"Thank you! Thanks for saving me, big sis…!"
(Suddenly, the memory makes me feel kind of sick. I suppress it as best I can. I got good at that, when I was at the orphanage… …Just forget about that and think about Naomi, you idiot.)
"And you think she was hoping for another miracle?" Naomi says, seeming like she's more confirming it than anything else.
"…Yeah. But… here's the thing. Even though… she kept thanking me all the time for saving her… it was my own fault. And she knew that. She could've blamed me for nearly killing her, but instead, she only thought about how I'd saved her… But this time… I let her down…!"
"You did all you could. Hero or not, you're only human. I'm sure it must have been painful for her, but… I'm also sure it wasn't your fault."
"I hate it!" That's all I can really make sense of at this point. "I hate it…!"
"I know," she says, voice soft. I'm not sure if she does. Being powerless… I don't think there's anything worse than that. Still, it's… kind of nice to hear otherwise. To kind of feel like she does understand, regardless or whether or not she actually does.
"Damn it," I say. But… what I was feeling earlier, that's kind of run out of steam. Thankfully. It feels like it's been about a million minutes, but I finally stop crying. I know those feelings aren't gonna totally disappear; they'll probably come back at the worst possible time, just like everything else used to. But I'll be okay. I take a deep breath. "It's not my fault…?" She's already said that, both directly and indirectly. But I could kind of use hearing it again.
"It's not your fault," she confirms, her hand lightly brushing through my hair. It's nice; I kind of wish I could stay like this…
"Thank you." I can hear my voice finally going more back to normal. I'm not usually this quiet, though. …Yeah, that'll take a little bit; I can sense that. But I'll bounce back. I always have.
"…I'm glad I could help."
I pull away so I can look into her eyes, and then I smile. I see concern in her eyes, but she gives a small smile back. Um… I kind of want to kiss her right now. It's not really the right time though, but damn. Impulse control is, um, not my middle name though… After a moment of consideration, I lean in and kiss her cheek. "I really appreciate it."
I stand, back to her. I'm a little embarrassed and a little chicken to see her expression right now. To my surprise, I feel a hand on my shoulder.
"Just keep in mind that there are always people you can talk to. Myself included."
I nod, and she begins to walk away. I turn, watching her. Right as she gets to the door, she pauses and turns toward me again.
I grin. "Well, I'll see you around soon, I'm sure!"
She nods, a small smile forming again. "Yes, that should be the case."
For a moment, we stay like that. Then, she breaks the eye contact and leaves, closing the door behind her.