AN: Okay, I do not own Van Helsing, the Matrix, or Underworld plots. I do own all the characters in this story, though. Oh, and this is my first Van Helsing thing, so please review, and tell me what you think. Even if you hate it!
Van Hunter: Matrix of the Underworld
Scene 1
(Cute little music plays)
(A cute little town with happy people and friendly faces is shown)
Narrator VO: Our story starts off in a pleasant little county just outside of London. The year is 1923 -. (Music is interrupted)
Hunter VO: What!? This story does NOT take place in the 1700's -.
Narrator VO: It's the 1900's, actually.
Hunter VO: Do you want to get hurt?
Narrator VO: Eep.
Hunter VO: I thought so. Now, where was I?
(Lightning flashes)
(A scary face flashes in the night)
(Dark street)
(Hunter is peering out)
(Hunter starts walking across the street)
Hunter VO: My name is Hunter Van Hunter. I am a Lycan … a werewolf. A creature of the night. A flesh eater. The monster in your backyard, watching you, waiting to pounce! I'm -
Neal VO: Get to the point already!
Hunter: (looks around nervously) Hello!
Hunter VO: Look bud, I'm doing the narration here. Hit … the … road.
Neal VO: Fine, if you would like to mess up this movie -.
Hunter VO: Yes, yes I would.
Reaper VO: Be my guest.
Hunter: (fidgets nervously) The voices are back.
Hunter VO: No, you idiot! I'm doing the Voice Over for you! Now get back on that set and keep walking!
Hunter: Okay. (Keeps walking … now in circles)
Hunter VO: Geeze, why do people keep interrupting me?! Alright, I'm a werewolf, and I don't know anything of my past. My memories … nay, my life has been taken from me, hidden away. The only clues I have are an old mood ring, and a talking Kiwi bird. Well, the kiwi bird I got from New Zealand. I was born there. I think. Look, if I feel like saying I was born in New Zealand, I was, okay? No one has any proof that I wasn't born there. Anyways, it's just been me and Skully, my bird. Oh, there's also this other werewolf who just sort of follows me around, named Kieran.
(A red headed guy pokes out from behind the wall, and then sneaks close to Hunter)
Hunter VO: I found him on one of my voyages to New York. I still have yet to figure out his purpose. (End of voice over)
Kieran: Master Van Hunter!
(Hunter jumps)
Hunter: Oh, Kieran, there you are. Have you been hearing anything … out of the ordinary?
Kieran: Sir, have the voices been speaking to you again?
Hunter: Uh … no … of course not. Come along.
Kieran: Master Van Hunter, aren't we supposed to be searching out the vampires, and then sending those EVIL creatures back to Scotland where they can receive the … err, help that they need?
Hunter: You mean send them to the secret underground pub on 45th street where we get them so drunk that when we tell them that they are actually werewolves, they believe us,even though they're not? If that's what you mean, then yes, that's what we're doing.
Kieran: But my super high tech werewolf senses tell me that vampires are south of here.
Hunter: Your point?
Kieran: You're walking north.
Hunter: Ah. Yes. I'm using an evasive maneuver I picked up in the late seventeenth century.
Kieran: Master Van Hunter, you can't remember anything past three years ago. Remember?
Hunter: Of course not! I lost my memory. Did you forget already, Kieran?
(Kieran sighs as Hunter starts walking south)
Hunter: I do believe that soon we will win this war against the vampires.
Skully: Squawk.
Kieran: (Races to catch up) But Master Van Hunter, why must we hunt the vampires? Why are we at war with them?
Hunter: We hunt the vampires simply because The Order has told us to.
Kieran: Don't you mean the secret organization of extremely religious freaks in Scotland that have no real business butting into a six hundred year old war between Vampires and Lycans, but they do anyways, and send you and your talking Kiwi bird who really doesn't talk all that much, out to interfere in silly little missions. Like the time they had you running out to get five things of pizza, and then they didn't even eat it?
Hunter: No, Kieran. You're thinking of the church. I said The Order.
Kieran: Ah.
(The two approach a building)
(A scream tears through the night as a figure jumps down from a one story building)
Sarah: And so we meet again, Van Hunter.
Hunter: (Takes a nervous step back) Do I know you?
Kieran: Of course you know her, Master Van Hunter. She's the evil vampiress who secretly knows your past, and why you can't remember it.
Sarah: (whacks Kieran in the arm) Stop giving away obvious plot points!
Kieran: Sorry.
Skully: Squawk.
Hunter: Yes, Skully is right. We must fight you and bring you down!
Skully: How does squawk translate into that?
(More vampires surround them)
Hunter: Oh sh --. (words are blocked out when Hunter slams a pipe against the wall)
Kieran: Master, why did you just slam that pipe against the building?
Hunter: Well, my stalking sidekick, this is a PG-13 story. Therefore, words like that should be blocked out.
Kieran: Very good sir.
Sarah: Attack!
(Cheap rip-off matrix moves follows in which nobody seems to get hurt)
(Hunter chases a vampire to the top of a building overlooking the city)
Hunter: Stop you fiend!
Vampire #1: No, wait! Please have mercy! I – I haven't actually sucked someone's blood in at least three hours!
Hunter: As much as I should compliment you for such a good job at controlling yourself –
Vampire #1: Uh … sure
Hunter: I am on a mission to erase all you diseases to mankind from the face of the matrix!
Vampire #1: Don't you mean earth? We're not in the matrix.
Hunter: Quiet! (Pulls out guns, and shoots light bullets at the vampire. It jumps off the building, and then screams as it blows up before hitting the ground. Van Hunter peers over the edge)
Sarah: Van Hunter, you murderer! Now we shall kidnap your friend!
Hunter: Good riddance, then.
(Sarah and other vampires start to walk away with Kieran)
Kieran: (Word echoing in the night) I will escape, Van Hunter! Do not worry for me, for I shall escape! I shall do it … for Scotland!
Vampire #2: Will you shut up! (Hits him over the head with a conveniently placed frying pan. Then they turn into evil bat-like creatures and fly away)
(Hunter hits his head)
Hunter: Great. Now who's going to make my breakfast?
To be continued …