Mourning
Since the first time Renji had laid eye on Byakuya, Renji had dreamed of surpassing him.
Byakuya was incredibly strong.
He was thoughtful and cultured.
He was everything that street rat Renji wasn't and everything that Renji wanted to be.
Byakuya had prestige, wealth, and most importantly…
Rukia.
And he could see it, the constant fantasy, that movie in his head, where after defeating Byakuya, Byakuya acknowledged him as his equal leading to: Renji becoming captain, marrying Rukia, and living a long happy live full of love, respect, and full stomachs. Fantasies change…
Somehow Ichigo had changed Renji's cold-hearted captain, and Renji started focusing less on beating Byakuya black and blue (except when he put a particularly nasty pile of paperwork on Renji's desk, or gave him that can't-you-do-anything look meant to make Renji feel lower than scum, but those came less often now), and more on earning his way into the family. He had encouraged Rukia toward the adoption because he wanted the best for her. He pushed himself to be better than Byakuya because Rukia deserved the best protector possible (even if she was strong enough to take care of herself). If Byakuya was going to be a proper big brother to Rukia and make her happy, then Renji would die to protect her happiness.
Only he didn't.
Somehow this all still seems like a dream. His brain could not seem to wrap its way around that fact that they had lost; that the great and noble Byakuya could really die; that the Captain Commander could really die; that Soul Society could be brought to its knees in a single day…and that he would still be there.
He ran that fight over and over in his brain until he couldn't think straight. So many things he should have done. He should have been the one to offer up his bankai. He should have noticed that other Quincy sneaking up on him. He should have been able to do something, something besides stand there and watch as his captain, his brother, fell.
And although he needs to push forward, because the quinces aren't really gone, his brain keeps bringing up the things that are and the dreams that will never be.
Why is it that every time that Rukia and I think we have a family, they have to go and die?