A/N: D'aww...I was feeling kinda sad. x3;; If you can tell. Ne, Lucrecia's theme song's depressin', yo. o.o; 'Nyway, enjoy~
I stand outside, bare feet on the cold, late night grass. My tattered red cloak lay inside in my room, probably on the bed I won't be sleeping in. My bandana is also absent, though I can't bother to remember where I discarded it. All that's on my mind is you, and even if I didn't want to be dwelling on the past, I wouldn't be able to help it.
Today would be our anniversary, did you know that? If you had chosen me, that is. But I'm not mad. If it had made you happy, I would have laid down my own life. That's why I let you go, because I could see that I wasn't going to change your mind. And if I couldn't be the source of your happiness, maybe by some twist of fate that having a child based on science would.
Sometimes I wonder if, in hindsight, you would still tread the path you did.
Part of me denies it, and that part could shout to the heavens that you would never and 'could' never subject the world to such a fate. But for the sake of Jenova and the Ancients..another part of me doesn't quite believe it, no matter how much I would want to.
Would he have still made you do it, though? He couldn't completely force it on you, or else he wouldn't have lived to see another day; I would have made sure of that. But maybe he could have blackmailed you, threatened you even. He had that power, and I know better than anyone he loves to abuse his position.
Such authority should never be bestowed upon monsters like him. I was at the mercy of his devastating mind for so long, all for you. But I don't regret it. I could never regret bearing any pain for you, so long as you were safe. All the torture and agony, it was so you could be happy. And I learned that just the same, I deserved it. I couldn't stop you from allowing him to use you so selfishly, and that is my sin. You're a victim, and you were prosecuted like a criminal.
It pains me more than anything to just think of the things you were forced to endure. For though I have countless physical scars, none of them compare to your internal ones. The ones that show how selfless and lost you truly were. You are and will always be blameless in my eyes.
It sickens me, you know. To think that a filthy beast like him touched and hurt you the way he did. He didn't deserve to even be within the presence of you, let speak to you. And to have the nerve to deny you your own child, your flesh and blood..if he weren't one with the life stream as it is, I would be hunting him right now.
The way he used to speak of you, as though you were a waste of space... I regret not teaching him a lesson when I worked for him. But I was naïve, and a fool. I valued my job over my feelings. If I had dared to lay a hand on him..it would have been the end of me. Looking back, I hate how childish and asinine I could be. You were single-handedly the most important thing to me, and I let you go. I allowed your name to be tarnished without batting any eye.
I often lose myself in daydreams, did you know that? I like to think about how we would have lived, you and I. Together, maybe even having a family. You would have made the most amazing mother, and a bride that was just as beautiful. I imagine actually growing old, watching my body age with time, though not caring because you would be there. Nothing else would matter to me, nothing but you.
How I could have gazed at you for hours. You beauty, inside and out, was enough to melt even the coldest hearts. You had such a sympathetic ear, someone that never tired of listening and aiding. Someone so unlike myself who seems to bring nothing but sorrow and devastation. But I'm sure you knew that, didn't you? You could see me..for the monster I always was.
I never blamed you, not once. I hope you know this. I could never see you as anything but perfect, the answer to all my prayers. I must have been blessed to just be around you the short time I was. Perhaps Gaea made a mistake, but I would gladly thank her on bended knee for just the chance to meet you.
In the past, I have opened up marginally to the members of AVALANCHE. They always seem to prove to me, however, exactly how inhumane and unforgiving the world is. They seem to think telling me I was never at fault will somehow make me put the blame on someone else. Though none of them ever say it, I can easily hear what they are thinking. They blame him for most of this, but they see you as a co-conspirator. As though you too could possibly be at fault, and I am nothing but the victim. They try and reason that you had a choice in the matter, and your choice was the wrong one. Though you didn't have to go with him, I know why you did. The guilt of my late father.. It prevented you from being happy. Why no one else can see this, I don't know.
You are innocent; you always will be, despite what others think. They were not there, they have no way of knowing what transpired in that mansion, below ground. I am the only remaining witness, and I know that you could never be at fault.
If you and I had been together, I wonder what we would have named our children. Perhaps, under those circumstances, we still could have named a boy Sephiroth. I know it was your choice, and how would I be able to argue? Any decision you made was flawless. You yourself were flawless. You were an angel.
Many doubt I will ever move on. They say I will continue to be unhappy until Judgment Day. I know better. I know that there is no moving on for me. The term has no meaning. By all accounts, I should have long since died. My life has ended, and there is no longer any hope for starting anew. There hasn't been for over thirty years. I doubt that, should you even come back to me, I would be able to accept you. I'm not nearly worthy enough for someone as pure and strong and..virtuous as you.
I am no longer human. I am an artificially created demon with nowhere to call home. Those that have offered to take me in do it out of pity, not honest companionship. They would call themselves my friend, behave as though they care, but it's all an act. I don't blame them, though. If at all, the only person other than myself that I blame is him, but he's no longer alive. So the blame, the charge, the fault.. It all falls onto me. I am damned, though not welcome in hell. I am dead, though still living. I am an outcast, though have company.
I am a monster, Lucrecia, though I still love.