Wanna Hear A Joke?
Summary: Minako doesn't understand the importance of knowing her audience. Rated M for highly inappropriate language.
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"Yeah, they call it being fashionably late, Ami, it's a thing," Minako said, tugging on the front of her blouse a couple times to get it to lay comfortably on her shoulders.
"Okay, fine, just...everyone else is already here, so...just please, keep it simple when you go in there," Amy replied. The two teenage girls were standing outside the door of Ami's apartment, a high-class luxury suite positioned high up in the fancy building. "This is kind of important, I want you to make a good first impression is all."
"Hey, you know me, I know how to make a good first impression," Minako said dismissively. "I'm the last person you should be worrying about, chill out."
"Just...please, my mom...well, just don't mess it up," Ami said in a hushed tone, reaching over to grab the doorknob. She swept back into her apartment, Minako following close behind. "Uh, mom, this is my other friend I was telling you about, uh, Minako!" Ami said, gesturing towards her blonde friend as the two made their way into the dining room just across the front foyer.
Saeko Mizuno, wearing a light blue sweater-vest, smiled from behind the dining table and slowly walked around it, over to her daughter and her good friend. "Oh, wonderful!" she said, her speech finely clipped and measured.
"It's great to finally meet you, Miss Mizuno," Minako said, using all of her considerable charismatic charm as she extended her hand out towards the approaching woman. Saeko extended her own hand out, taking it in a firm handshake.
"I've heard so much about you from Ami," Saeko continued, nodding. "Good to finally meet you as well."
"Yeah, beautiful place you got here," Minako added, glancing around the expensively-decorated apartment. "Really beautiful."
"Thank you so much." Saeko nodded. Ami stood to the side, giving a small smile as the initial meeting between the two seemed to be going as she wanted.
Minako nodded back, pausing for a beat. "Hey, Miss Mizuno, wanna hear a joke?"
Saeko's smile slipped from her face slightly at the question and Ami immediately jumped in-between the two, facing Minako and holding her open palms out towards her.
"N-n-no, she doesn't want to hear a joke!" Ami said, a bit of frantic panic in her voice as she shook her hands back and forth, trying to immediately cut Minako off.
"Uh, I think, I, maybe, perhaps not…" Saeko said, slightly ill-at-ease.
Minako simply reached forward and gently pulled Ami to the side with her right hand, extending her left towards Saeko. "Come on, I'll get right through it."
"Erm...well, alright," Saeko conceded, giving a tiny shoulder shrug. Ami could only grimace, crossing her arms over her chest, hands unconsciously balling up into little nervous fists.
Minako quickly cleared her throat. "Okay. A woman is very afraid of the size of her opening."
Saeko's face twitched down into a slightly shocked expression, mouth dropping open a centimeter or two and forehead tightening slightly. "I...I'm sorry, a-afraid of her what?"
"Afraid of the size of her opening," Minako repeated. "So, she goes to her mother and says 'What am I going to do? I'm so big down there, when I marry Harry he's going to divorce me.'"
Saeko stood there, stock still, one eyebrow raised slightly and mouth still slightly agape. Ami's gaze darted up to her mother's face, then returned to Minako's, scowling at her friend.
"Her mother says 'Don't worry sweetheart, it runs in the family. Do what I did when I married your father, go to the market, get some raw liver, put it in there and he'll never know the difference.'" Minako threw in a small downward gesture with her hand, as if there was any need to further indicate what she meant by 'down there'.
"Oh my God," Saeko murmured to herself, turning slightly red and unconsciously clasping her hands together in front of her. Ami opened her mouth to try to interrupt Minako, but Minako simply waved her off and gave her no opportunity to stop her.
"So she does. The night of their marriage, they have eight hours of sex," Minako continued. "She wakes up at 10 o'clock the next morning, and he's gone, but there's a note on the pillow. It says 'My darling Harriet, to think that I waited a year to consummate our loving relationship makes my heart beat so loudly I'm surprised it didn't wake you up. The only reason I'm not here right now, darling, is that I'm at work to make enough money to buy you a house and a picket fence, where we'll have dogs and children.'"
Saeko's facial seemed to unclench slightly, and she gave a tiny, slow nod. "O-oh, I...see, alright, this isn't...so bad," she mumbled. Ami, however, maintained her glare at Minako, as if trying to use psychic powers to get her to stop talking.
"'When the 5 o'clock dinner bell rings I will be home like the winged gossamer of love in your arms. Your loving husband, Harry.'" Minako gave a small nod, which seemed to indicate she was done.
"Ah, well...it certainly could have been...much worse," Saeko said, still a little uneasy, but a small smile returning to her lips.
Ami unclenched her arms, thinking disaster might have been averted.
Saeko put her finger to her chin. "That was...actually—"
And then, Minako leaned in slightly towards her friend's mother, a very naughty grin on her face. "'P.S. Your cunt is in the sink.'"
Saeko's next words immediately died in her mouth as her mouth again fell open slightly, twisted a bit in shock and disgust. Ami squeezed her eyes shut tightly, exhaling out a very frustrated breath through her nose, her entire face wrinkled.
Minako leaned back up straight again, arms out at her sides slightly, still grinning. "Isn't that just the best?!" she exclaimed.
Saeko blinked a couple times, looking disgusted and horrified, shoulders drooped in disbelief. Ami reached up and pinched the bridge of her nose, slowly shaking her head back and forth. Saeko's face went another tinge of red, though she remained unable to do anything but stare at Minako.
Minako gave a little wave. "Wonderful to meet you, really."
Ami stepped forward towards her friend, grabbing the front of her blouse and pulling her over towards her. "G-go to my bedroom!" she ordered, clearly frustrated. She gave her a little shove towards the hallway of the apartment. "Go!"
"See you around, Miss Mizuno!" Minako called out cheerfully, disappearing down the hall, waving over her shoulder. Saeko was still staring forward, unable to do much but blink.
Ami watched Minako go around the corner of the hallway, glaring daggers at her back. She seethed out another angry puff of air, then grimaced before turning around to look at her mother. Saeko finally turned her head, giving Ami the most bizarre and confused of looks.
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Shout-out to Marty Funkhouser, yo.