Chakotay. The conversation with
her future self came back to her, giving her some measure of comfort that
she sorely needed right then. Her heart still ached, remembering the admiral
telling her about Chakotay and Seven, married. Married...
"Did you honestly think he
would wait forever for us?" Admiral Janeway said, her eyebrows raising
significantly.
"But..."
"No buts, Captain. I think
it's safe to say that your almost blind adherence to protocols cost me
everything."
Kathryn looked at her older
self, seeing the lines of pain around her eyes. "You seemed to be supportive
of his choice a few minutes ago..."
"I've had many years to deal
with it all. Too many years," the admiral admitted. "So, tell me, though
I'm sure I remember, how do you feel about him?"
"Are you baiting me?"
"For what? A true confession?
Who exactly am I going to tell? Starfleet, for goodness sakes? I'm going
to be dead soon, remember?"
"You're terribly cynical
- did you know that?" Kathryn asked.
"Well I have you to thank
for that as well. There's not all that much joy in a life lived alone,
even if you can be friends with the man you loved."
"Loved? As in past tense?"
The admiral gave her a hard
stare. "Why don't you tell me. How do you think I feel about him after
all this time?"
It was actually very clear
to Kathryn at that moment. "You're lying. You still love him ... I would
still love him. I can't imagine ever being out of love with him. You've
never gotten married, have had no relationships, no children, you stayed
by his side until he died, didn't you?"
Again the admiral stared
at her. "And if that's true, why would I come back to give him more of
a future with Seven? Of course, if I hadn't miscalculated..."
"Because you love him. You
want him to be happy."
"And how about you? Do you
want him to be happy with Seven? Or you?"
Kathryn couldn't answer that
question. She wasn't sure. "I...."
The admiral held up her hand
to interrupt. "Let's start over. Let's admit that you love him, deeply,
and have for at least five years. You've always dreamt of coming home and
beginning a real life with him, of letting go of all the pain you've caused
each other here on the ship, finally. And here I show up, to get you home
now rather than later. He's just begun to date Seven. Nothing much has
happened between them. We both know they've never particularly liked each
other. I'm showing you what your future could be, without him. What do
you want to do about it all?"
"You're not asking me a very
easy question, I've barely begun to let myself think about the two of them
together," Kathryn replied.
"I'm not supposed to ask
the easy ones. You don't, do you," the admiral said with a smile.
"I guess I don't at that.
Okay. Hypothetically?"
"That's the easy way out."
"Point taken. Okay. Non-hypothetically.
As much as I want him to be happy, and as much as I want her to find out
about love, I want the chance to find out if he and I could, well, give
in to our feelings for one another. I think up until a few months ago,
he still loved me. Until Jaffen, anyway..." Kathryn studied her hands.
"Yes, Jaffen. Remember what
you thought about that?"
"You mean my memories of
his forehead? Or should I say what I thought I saw there?" Kathryn asked.
The admiral smiled. "Yes.
It's one of the things I regret in the small hours of the morning when
sleep isn't possible. That I didn't tell Chakotay. I only allow myself
that regret, say, once a year now."
Kathryn wanted to change
the subject. Thinking about possible future regrets wasn't something she
wanted to waste time with. Not now. "Getting back to the situation at hand,
at least my personal situation. Am I understanding you correctly? You also
came back to convince me to do something? To tell him how I feel?"
Kathryn got up to get a cup
of coffee from the replicator. She'd been surprised at the admiral's answer.
"Yes" was all the older woman had had time to say before they'd been
hailed. Still, it was enough to give her some serious things to think about
in the midst of everything else. To plan it out, to look for her opening,
to contemplate the words she'd use. In those few minutes she had here and
there. So far, she'd only made the most basic of plans. To stop calling
him "Commander".
She heard her console beep from
the other side of the room. Maybe Harry had located Admiral Paris, she
thought, as she returned to her desk. It was an internal indicator, not
ops. She touched the key and was surprised when the computer asked for
one of her command codes. After entering it, she was even more surprised.
Her older self smiled at her.
"Hello, Captain. I embedded
this message with a command that it only be sent in the event you actually
made it to the Alpha Quadrant. We never got the opportunity to finish our
conversation about Chakotay, and I had one more point to make with you.
It's one that I've also had many years to think about. One that I've never
had the chance to find out about, or even really know the answer to.
Please be very sure you can
make him happy. You know what I'm talking about. You might need to make
some changes, some basic changes. He'll be in it for the long term, giving
everything. Be sure you can give everything, too. Good luck, Kathryn.
Janeway out."
The message ended. The emotions
surging through her were just beginning. She did, indeed, know exactly
what the admiral was talking about. Her relationships, those few that she
had, could not be considered successful. Mark had been her best shot at
permanence, up until her trip into the Badlands. And yet, they had had
some serious problems that they may or may not have ever worked out. She'd
never know. She was certain, however, that if they had been destined to
be permanent, neither would have given up. And Chakotay would not have
found a place in her heart.
Mark often complained about
her long periods away from home, her zealous dedication to her career and
Starfleet. During arguments he would call her pigheaded, in more loving
moments he called her strong-willed. In her mind, there really wasn't much
difference between the two. And really, he was so easygoing, willing to
back off whenever they'd get into it, even if he was the one starting the
argument. If he was the one who was needing more from her. If he was the
one who was hurt. Or disappointed.
She ran through all the personality
traits she possessed which were not conducive to a healthy, long term loving
relationship. She was too stubborn. She didn't allow herself to need help,
much less ask for it. The one thing she did need was to be right. Always.
Or nearly always. These were things that ran through her mind whenever
sleep eluded her. It depressed her to think that her insomnia didn't go
away with age. That regrets, guilt, and perhaps even feelings of inadequacy
stayed with her throughout her life. Though now that she knew what was
at stake, maybe these things could be things she might change.
Then again, she was in her mid-forties.
How much can a person change at that age, she wondered. She was not nearly
the blank slate that Seven was. Maybe that was what Chakotay found attractive
about her. She stopped herself from going down that road, but not quite
quickly enough. Her heart sank.
She'd always thought she was
the model of independence and self-confidence. That she made decisions
with assuredness and strength. In this situation, she was coming to realize,
she had no idea what to do. Tell him she loved him? Or let him go?
=^= =^= =^=
=^= =^= =^=
"You know," B'Elanna said, "I
understand Tom had to fly this crate through the conduits, but why weren't
you at least here to help me? I mean, what good is the First Officer
to operations when the only order was probably, 'Hang on!'"
"Oh, I'm betting the orders
down here would have been pretty much the same. At least on the bridge,
nothing got broken," Chakotay waggled his fingers lithely. "But I
do regret that we all couldn't be here for you—then, and now."
"Yeah, well, I had expected
to see you last week, too, bearing some secret tribal remedy for my screaming
back pain."
"I said I'm sorry, B'Elanna,"
he replied, a small grin playing on the corners of his mouth.
"Yeah, well, maybe it's just
not enough. I think you might have to give up some time and babysit or
something to make up for it." B'Elanna gently lifted Miral to the large
hands of her oldest friend. He took the baby and held her to his shoulder,
rubbing her back with tenderness. "Besides, where the hell have you been
the past couple of days? I could have used some company..."
"So I'll say it again. I'm sorry
for deserting you, and missing out on the birth of this beautiful child.
And I'll be happy to babysit, anytime. If you trust a man who, according
to you, has had no experience with children."
"Listen, Chakotay, I never said
I didn't trust you with the baby."
"I know. Really. I do."
Their gazes locked for a moment.
The child in question began to fuss a bit, and the hand rubbing her back
began to lightly bounce her against his shoulder. The fussing stopped.
Tom took the opportunity the
lull in conversation afforded him. "Well, I for one think there's someone
else you should apologize to for your recent disappearing act," he said
pointedly.
Chakotay turned his head slowly,
deciding whether or not to react. He opted for neutrality. "And who's that?"
"The captain," Tom answered.
Neutrality was no longer an
option. "And just what do you mean by that?" His heart was pounding
a bit as he narrowed his eyes at the younger man.
"It had to be weird for her,
dealing with herself as an old woman. I'm sure she could have used a friend.
To talk to. That's all."
Chakotay breathed again. He
continued to bounce the baby gently. He had to admit, he hadn't thought
about what Kathryn had been going through. For that he felt a little guilty.
"And man, seeing the two of
them, together," Tom continued, "it was kind of overwhelming for us, too.
Two Janeways could probably take over the world. No disrespect intended,
Chakotay."
"I'm sure you meant it as a
compliment, Tom."
"I did. On the other hand, two
Janeways got us to do something that I originally had no intention of doing.
I thought the risk was too great. And yet, I agreed to the plan, even though
I still don't entirely understand why the admiral came back now.
I mean, why didn't she come back before Joe died? Tell us about that mission?
I don't envy the captain trying to explain that to Sarah, not to mention
the boys..."
B'Elanna agreed. "I don't understand
it at all, Chakotay. Not at all. From what everyone's been telling me,
anyway. The latest gossip is all about the captain and the admiral. Don't
get me wrong -- most everyone is thrilled to be home. They just don't understand
why now. If there were these hubs all over the Delta Quadrant, we must
have come close to one before this." She reached out to take her baby back.
The babysitter reluctantly complied.
He didn't know how to answer
them. He came to the quick conclusion that he had been entirely too preoccupied
during this entire situation. He really didn't know much more than
his friends, and he was supposed to be the First Officer, the captain's
confidante. Instead, he'd been avoiding her. For the past few months, since
Quarra, he'd been pulling back from their friendship. He'd just been feeling
so tired. Of it all. Until Seven asked him for a date. And now,
when the crew needed him, he'd been too preoccupied to pay attention to
what Kathryn was up to. In thinking about it, he didn't understand it either.
He knew the admiral had convinced Seven to help, scaring her with some
tale of her own death, but that's all he knew. Well, enough was enough.
"B'Elanna, Tom, you take care
of your lovely daughter. I have something I need to go do. And maybe I'll
be able to find out some answers for you." He smiled, leaned in and kissed
the ridges on his friend's forehead, rubbed Miral's ridges for good luck
and patted Tom on the shoulder. Then he turned and left sickbay, telling
the lift to take him back to the bridge.
=^= =^= =^=
=^= =^= =^=
Kathryn sat under the viewports
in the ready room, staring at the now cooling cup of coffee on the table
in front of her. A stack of PADDs also graced the table, waiting for her
review and approval, waiting to be sent to Starfleet, hurried reports from
the various departments. No one was really all that prepared to be in the
Alpha Quadrant. Or perhaps no one had really believed it would actually
happen. She ignored the stack, opting to refresh her coffee instead. The
chime rang as she was standing at the replicator. Her sixth sense regarding
him was well honed. She almost called for Chakotay to enter.
"Come in," she ordered the computer.
The door opened and as she expected,
Chakotay walked in. Still, her heart skipped to see his face, so serious,
no smile gracing his chiseled features. She was surprised at the dull ache
of pain that settled in her chest at the sight of him. No matter how he
wanted this meeting to go, she needed it to be strictly professional. Until
she made her decision, the use of rank was once again her only protection.
"Have a seat, Commander. What
can I do for you?" She noticed the slight hesitation in his forward motion
at the use of his title. He came up to the couches and sat next to her,
turning slightly to be able to meet her eyes directly.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Chakotay noticed immediately
the rigidity of Kathryn's posture. Hearing her use his title rather than
his name reminded him of when she had called him "Mister" on the bridge
earlier. At the time, he thought that she had decided rank was no longer
going to be an issue between them. He now wondered what was going through
her mind. He had to admit, he couldn't tell. He fell back on his own agenda.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
"You can answer a few questions
for me," Chakotay said, laying the sentence at her feet.
Kathryn took a moment to breathe.
"Fine. Go ahead."
"Well, I can't help feeling
that there might have been another reason that the admiral came back to
help us get home."
She took another breath. "What
do you mean?"
"Why exactly was she so willing
to break the Temporal Prime Directive? For that matter, why were you? Given
the risks..."
"I wanted us to get home. Sooner
is better than later, don't you agree?"
"Yes, I agree with that statement.
However, it occurs to me that you were, well, very driven to accomplish
this. And the combination of the two of you, strong-willed, determined
commanding officers, guaranteed that the goal would be reached. I just
don't really understand why. It's almost as if there was some other reason
to do it. At least that's how it looks in hindsight," he said, watching
her face tighten at his words.
In the past, during moments
of weakness late at night in bed, she had imagined this scene many times.
Arriving in the Alpha Quadrant, almost all of her dreams tangibly coming
true, she had envisioned Chakotay coming to her ready room. She would tell
him that they could finally be together, as she thought they both had wanted
and hoped they both still did. He would be ecstatic. They would hug. And
finally, finally kiss. A wondrous kiss, sweeping them both off their feet.
She again thought of her conversation with her future self. Considered
telling him how much she loved him, and ultimately, that that was why they
had done it. Why the admiral had sacrificed everything. She wavered. Strong-willed,
he'd said.
"Kathryn? Are you all right?"
The concern in his voice was
almost her undoing. She couldn't do it, she realized. She needed to let
him find his happiness with Seven. She'd have to let him go. Again. For
the millionth time. The ache became a stabbing pain.
"I'm fine, Commander. There
is no other reason than what I've already told you. This was the best opportunity
and the admiral knew passing it by had been a mistake. She wanted to correct
it. That's all. Now, if there's nothing else, I have quite a stack of reports
to review as you can see." She folded her arms, leaning forward as if to
rise, hoping he would pick up on her need to have the conversation end.
"Would you like some help?"
He still couldn't put his finger on it, but he was almost certain she was
lying to him.
"No, I don't need any help.
You can go."
Chakotay hesitated, but stood
up, not knowing what else to say. "Very good, Captain. I'll be in my office
if you should need me."
Kathryn stood as well, nodding
to him in dismissal, not trusting her voice at that moment. After he nodded
in return, she swiveled to the viewports, knowing tears were forming, needing
privacy to contain them. She listened to him move away, down the step toward
the ready room door. She heard it open.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Chakotay walked away, trying
to understand what he was missing. He approached the ready room door and
it swooshed open. Standing at the threshold, he made an instant decision
to try one more time to get at the truth. He felt an inexorable need to
get through to her, that this was one of those all important moments he'd
look back on in the future. If he didn't do more, he'd regret it. Something
was wrong, he was sure of it. He turned back into the room and the door
closed.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
She heard it close and let go.
She stopped trying to hold back the tears as she hugged herself tightly,
at once feeling as though her arms were the only things keeping her from
falling over. She was having trouble breathing, finally gasping sharply.
She wanted to scream. Instead, she allowed herself to voice the truth out
loud, to the walls, into the room where they had spent so many thousands
of hours together, her sanctuary. The place of her dreams.
"I did it for one reason, Chakotay.
Because I love you," she choked out. "I love you with everything in me
and I have only one thing to show for it. An empty life ahead of me. Alone.
Still in love with you..." Unable to finish, the words faltering completely,
she collapsed on the couch and buried her head in her arms against the
back. Vaguely wishing she were anywhere but there, she finally broke down
and sobbed.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Chakotay came out of his stunned
silence. He didn't know what to do, didn't understand what he had heard,
couldn't believe the words that had just come out of Kathryn's mouth. He
suddenly felt like an intruder and turned as quietly as he could, hoping
she wouldn't hear the door work a second time. He left the ready room and
went directly to his office to stare out his own viewports.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
He needn't have worried. Kathryn
heard nothing but the sounds of her own sobbing. She eventually quieted
enough to try and pull herself back together. Try and ignore the deep,
intense pain that was now a constant in her chest.
She headed for engineering to
praise her crew, to check on the repairs to Voyager. More than ever, she
needed to be reassured she could still count on her ship.
Fade out...
