Written for Secret Snowflake on LJ for evil_little_dog.

Prompt: Raph and Marshall - Doing time at the hospital during Mary's emergency post-shooting surgery. Do they bond? Do they ignore each other? Do they wonder what the other one might possibly know about him?

Losing Mary

The world had turned gray, hazy save for what was directly in front of him, people moving like shadows in his peripheral vision. His focus had narrowed to the line of sight between his bleary eyes and the floor. Greenish gray tiles that shimmered under the fluorescent lights. Black caulking between each eight by eight square. A small crack in the corner of the tile under which his left foot currently rested.

Sounds muted, murmured conversations like white noise. Rushing personnel, impersonal pages over the PA system, the sound of gurneys clacking down the hallway; all faded background accompaniment to the rushing whoosh that filled his ears. He had felt this way once before, as a child, shortly before passing out. Breathing harsh in his own ears, his heartbeat a pounding boom-boom, boom-boom that had him thinking absurdly of the Tell-Tale Heart.

He tried to get a grip on himself. Eyes squeezed shut, blocking the worried faces of the ones who cared about Mary. Deep, even breaths to try and bring oxygen to his sluggish brain. His hands grasped the armrests of the chair, gripping tightly. Why weren't the doctors telling them what was going on? How long would he have to wait? Would this limbo just stretch on forever?

Mary. His Mary. How could this have happened? Each time he opened his eyes though, it wasn't the familiar blonde head he saw, but the cold, sterile light of the waiting room. This morning the only thing he had to worry about was closing the sale with the Millertons and trying to broach the subject with Mary of how many children they should have. And now...now he may not even have his Mary anymore. No Mary. No children. No family of his own.

Raph took another deep gulp of air and forced his eyes open. He took in the shaking body of Jinx. She looked fragile, thin even next to the slenderness of Brandi, who was trying to comfort her while holding her own tears at bay. The strange woman, who for unknown reasons was in their private waiting room. The shorter man who was Mary's boss, looking grim, his jaw set , reined in tension emanating from him. The lanky figure of Mary's partner. He looked haggard, crushed; his red eyes betraying a depth of emotion Raph couldn't contemplate at the moment.

Mary was lying in an operating room, fighting for her life. The only information Raph and the family had been given was that she had been shot and the injury was very serious. Raph gathered from her partner's behavior that he had not been with her. Odd, a small part of his brain thought, they were usually joined at the hip.

The door swung in and admitted a solemn man dressed in green scrubs. The doctor. He talked to them, saying words that Raph couldn't grasp. He knew it wasn't reassuring though. The doctor didn't know if Mary would make it, if she'd still be Mary even if she lived. He stared blankly after the surgeon when he left, followed quickly by Marshall.

What would he do if Mary died? It didn't bear contemplating. Almost worse, what would he do if she lived, but wasn't his Mary, if she was a vegetable? Jinx's tremulous question had seemed inappropriate, but he wondered too. Brain damage. If Mary needed constant care, he couldn't do it. His mind was wandering off in tangents and he tried to wrestle it back and school it into a prayerful state. He needed to call his mother, get her to start a novena.

The door opened and Marshall re-entered the waiting room. Asking how everyone was doing, if they needed anything. Playing the caretaker, Mary's usual role. The tall man walked over to him slowly, a slight hesitation in his stride.

"How about you? You doing okay?" Mary's partner lowered himself gingerly into the chair next to Raph.

"I'm not sure," Raph said with a sigh, "it's a little like time has stopped." He clasped his hands together, leaning his elbows on his knees. Marshall sat up straight in the neighboring chair, hands resting in his lap.

"I know exactly what you mean." The words were strained, the voice tight.

Raph shook his head, trying to grasp what was happening. "How did this happen to her?"

Marshall's head shook in response. "She got shot. That's pretty much all I know right now."

Raph felt a small flare of anger growing in his belly. He had a right to know what happened to his fiance. Was her partner really going to stand on protocol and keep this information from him?

"Hmm. I see." He straightened up and leaned over towards the distraught man. "Mary told me what she really does at work," he said, lowering his voice, trying to keep the irritation from coming through.

"I know. She told me she told you." Raph picked up on the tension in his voice, in his bearing. The lanky lawman was not happy that Mary had told him. Raph would have to contemplate that later. For right now, he needed to know what had happened to the woman he loved.

"So I think it's okay if you tell me what happened." He fought to tamp down his anger.

Marshall looked straight ahead. "Raphael, I'm not keeping anything from you because I'm trying to keep things from you." His eyes darted over to look at Raph briefly. "I honestly don't know the details of what happened." Raph felt like he was living in two spheres of consciousness. One was a blur full of fear, wondering what he would do without his Mary; oblivious to anything outside himself,. Another was aware of small, inconsequential things. Like the fact that Marshall always called him 'Raphael'. And that Marshall was holding himself stiffly erect. Not his usual relaxed bearing at all. Of course, Raph had never seen the man when Mary wasn't with him. Odd as it seemed, perhaps Mary did relax him.

"I'm not a violent person. But I can't stop thinking about finding the guy who did this and..." he turned to look at Marshall, who studiously avoided returning his gaze, "I want him to suffer."

"I know," Marshall responded, " our animal instinct is to savage any threat to our loved ones. It's how we're wired." Marshall placed a hand on Raph's shoulder in an effort to comfort, and hauled himself to his feet.

Raph watched him cross the room, thinking about his statement. Our animal instinct is to savage any threat to our loved ones. Was Mary one of Marshall's loved ones? Certainly they were close. Marshall was one of the few people in this world that Mary gave a damn about. Mary never talked about him much, but she had made a few telling statements over the years. He flashed back to the time it was Marshall that had been shot. Mary had been a wreck.

The big ball player slouched back in his chair, his mind going places he'd rather avoid. Everyplace was somewhere he'd rather avoid. Easier to analyze Marshall's feelings for Mary than to think about Mary bleeding out on the operating table.

Raph lifted his chin up from his chest, his light doze broken by the sound of Marshall dropping heavily into the chair next to him. Raph glanced over, took in the stony expression, and knew that there wasn't any news to relay. He cocked his head to one side and studied the slender man next to him. Mary's best friend. Strange that. Raph had never considered before the oddity of Mary not considering her fiance her best friend. It had always been Marshall.

"Why weren't you with her?" The question came out more abruptly than Raph had intended. He didn't mean it to be accusatory. He was genuinely curious.

Marshall turned a startled face to him, a flash of guilt crossing the strained features. Raph gestured with his hand. "It's just that you...you are almost always together." He looked at him earnestly. "If she was on duty and you're her partner," he trailed off as Marshall's face displayed pure anguish. Mary's partner impatiently clenched his fist, closed his eyes, breathing deeply. Raph realized the man was counting, trying to retain control.

Startling blue eyes opened and fixed a steady gaze on Raph, shiny with tears, red-rimmed. The deep voice was shaky as he began to speak. "Mary was on a special assignment at the request of the State Department. They only requested her. I offered my assistance and it was turned down. I didn't push because I was off duty and I had plans. I will never forgive myself."

Raph nodded, silently digesting this information, realizing that in his distress Marshall had probably told him more than he should. One small zone in his brain hoped the plans involved a woman. He was beginning to feel he would be happier if Marshall was seeing someone.

"You and Mary," he stopped, frowned at the intent eyes now focused on him and tried again. "You and Mary, what is the deal with the two of you? I know you are her partner and her friend, but it seems like there is more." Raph stopped, aware he was beginning to sound like a jealous lover. Well, maybe he was.

Blue eyes drilled into him. Eyes that had always seemed warm and caring, tinged with mischief. Of course those eyes were usually focused on Mary. Now they were cold, with a hard edge. Marshall leaned close to him, those blue eyes never wavering from Raph's chocolate brown ones.

"I am not sleeping with Mary," he growled. Raph's eyes widened in surprise. He hadn't meant to imply that at all. "I care about her. Deeply. But we are not intimate. Our 'deal' is that we get each other. We trust each other. We know each other. We are in each other's heads. I know the moves she is going to make before she does. I know what she is thinking. It allows us have each other's backs. My life is in her hands as hers is in mine. It's a responsibility I take very seriously. We have a very serious job that we can't discuss with anyone else. We vent to each other. I'm Mary's release valve. She needs me." His eyes dropped and his head hung. "She needed me last night and I wasn't there. I failed her."

Raph watched as misery overtook the man beside him and the lawman abruptly stood up and disappeared out the door to the hallway. He slumped back in his chair and sighed. As if this day could get any worse. His fiance's partner was in love with her. Even if he didn't realize it. And Raph had an inkling he did realize it.

The door swung open and a nurse in pink scrubs entered, carrying a clipboard and looking frazzled. "Mary Shannon?" she asked, scanning over the various crumpled people in the waiting room. It was a familiar sight. A tall slender man jumped to his feet, at the nurse's side before the more muscular man sitting beside him was even standing straight.

"She's awake," the nurse said with a weary smile.

"Is she okay?" Raph asked, his accent growing thicker in his agitation.

"Can we see her? Jinx asked anxiously.

"She's stable. Doctor says one visitor may come in for ten minutes." A clamoring started as Jinx put forward her maternal claim and Raph his affianced one. "Mary has asked for Marshall," the nurse said, looking towards Raph and seeing the crestfallen face, turning her attention to the one who had remained silent.

"I"m Marshall," he said quietly, "I'm Mary's partner."

The nursed sized up his emotional status quickly, taking in the demeanor that managed to be tense and calm at the same time. The only one who hadn't raised his voice. He would not disturb her patient, she decided, and nodded at him, granting permission to accompany her back to Mary's room.

Raph watched Mary's partner follow the nurse out of the room. The marshal had straightened his posture, was visibly relaxed compared to ten minutes ago. A ghost of a smile flitted across his face as he opened the door to the hallway.

Mary had asked for him, her partner. Marshall. Over her fiance. Over her mother, her family. Marshall. The constant. Marshall. Raph felt a frisson of fear of a different type coil up in his belly. It occurred to him there was more than one way that he could lose Mary.

The end