Disclaimer: Disclaimed. South Park and all its inhabitants belong to the all-powerful Matt Parker and Trey Stone.
Rating: Teen, only because I want to stay on the safe side with swearing and all that crap.
Warning: Swearing and an overall depressing mood. -.- Sorry, but I can't really write a completely happy story. I mean, my one childrens' book that I ever wrote was about a stuffed bunny who was forgotten in an attic, than given away to a girl who ended up getting Cancer. Wtf, right?
Kenny McCormick has a very cynical view on religion.
Not that you could blame him. Out of all the people on Earth, Kenny is the one who has the right to think this way the most. After all, when you have died numerous times, (in painful and embarrassing manners) it is quite probable to think that you would get pissed off at the higher power you were supposed to believe in.
Kenny views God very much like his good friend Christophe: God is a faggy bitch. He believes in God and God's powers---having suffered their wrath on an almost daily basis---but he just hates him. According to Kenny, God is out to get everyone. He enjoys playing with people's lives much like a young child enjoys playing with dolls. Organized religion, Kenny will state, is the whole reason there are so many fucking wars going on. If Muslims and Christians just realize what a bitch God is, than they will stop trying to kill each other!
All these thoughts are once again running through his head as he walks to Shakey's, a pizza joint where he is supposed to meet up with his three best friends---if one could actually consider Cartman a friend. As he walks, he begins to muse on how differently they all view God.
Stanley Marsh is the so-so believer. He doesn't do exactly everything the Catholic Bible demands of him, but he is still a follower nonetheless. The boy attends mass every Sunday, and prays to God---if not half-heartedly---before dinner. Plus, he believes in some of the Bible, acknowledges Jesus as his savior, and makes promises (albeit rarely appropriate ones) for Lent when it comes around every year.
Eric Cartman is the twisted follower. Instead of just believing in what he is told, he takes it and molds it to his own satisfaction. While Cartman's ideas may be sadistic, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep---well, you get the idea---down, he is an okay guy. His religion of worshiping Hitler (which he partially believes and partially just does because it pisses off Kyle) and putting his own interests and self-gain before others is just vile. Yet mostly he says and does these things for attention. In truth, Eric Cartman's only religion is yearn. The yearn for his mother to pay more attention to him, the yearn for his friends to act like they care more about him, and the yearn that he really is big-boned and not just fat.
Kyle Broflovski is the unique atheist. Of course he knows God and Jesus exist (having met them on several occasions) but what he does not accept is the fact that they created man or did miracles and all that shit. Rather, he proposes that God and Jesus are just there. Watching Earth like one watches a boring infomercial: with disinterest but attentiveness, since there is nothing better to watch or do. However, if you ask him what his faith is, he will answer without hesitation 'Jewish'. This is because of two factors: a) his mother, who would murder him if she found out his true beliefs, and b) Cartman, because there is nothing Kyle enjoys more than pissing off the fat, racist sociopath.
It is after he thinks about Kyle, that his stomach grumbles, and he begins to wish for the chocolate bar. And that is when a question hits him.
Pondering his latest query, Kenny enters Shakey's---the last of the four to arrive---and sits down beside his friends in their booth pleasantly. Without giving much thought to what he is about to blurt out, Kenny questions aloud, "In what way is God like chocolate?"
The three fifteen year olds look at Kenny oddly, before Stan raises one eyebrow and asks, "Kenny, are you high?"
Kenny waves his hand disinterested. "Well yes, but that's not the point." And it really wasn't, seeing how there weren't many times when Kenny wasn't high. "The point is, none of you are answering my question."
Cartman, as usual, is the first one to comment. "Psh, that's easy. They're both alike because all you have to do is whine at some loser long enough until they break and hand over what you want. If you want to talk to God, you bother a priest, if you want a chocolate bar, you bother any random person."
None of them respond to this absurd sentiment for a moment, before Kyle just shakes his head. "We could make so much money if we published a book on all of Cartman's insane theories, you know that?"
Stan is the next to reply. "God and chocolate are in no way alike. I mean, God is some all powerful dude, while chocolate is just. . .chocolate."
Kenny sighs exasperatedly. "You guys aren't helping at all."
"Well, why are you comparing God to chocolate?" Kyle retorts.
The parka-clad boy stares at him like he's stupid. "Because I'm fucking hungry, and God isn't doing one damn thing about it."
Kyle shrugs his shoulders. "The only way I can think the two are alike is that they both cause trouble. Chocolate can make you sick and is unhealthy for you, while God starts wars and makes people question themselves until they go mad. But seriously, you shouldn't worry about something so inane as that."
"He'll stop worrying when you explain what the fuck inane means, Jewboy." Cartman whines.
An argument between the two breaks out, while Stan pinches the bridge of his nose and signals to the waiter that he will order for his friends. Kenny stays silent the whole time, and does not bring up that none of them found the point he had been trying to make. God, he had decided, was like chocolate in the fact that they were both disappointments. Chocolate, like God, is sweet at first, but then it turns bitter when you eat too much of it. There is no cure for too much chocolate, just as there is no cure for too much God, except to remove yourself from religion entirely. And that is exactly what Kenny had been secretly trying to say. Because everyday he dies, he ends up getting more and more depressed, yet he can do nothing about it. No one notices, they are all too busy with their own lives. Stan has football, Kyle has studying, and Cartman has his retarded schemes with Butters. Kenny dearly wishes he could remove himself from God entirely, because what his friends can't understand is that while God makes his life miserable, he also makes him feel so alive. For a few hours he can reach eternal happiness in heaven, before he has to return to his desolate, poor-ridden life on Earth. Yet he can't stop biting the chocolate bar of faith, and he can't stop the roller coaster of emotions that return every time he takes one bite too many.
It is then, he decides, among the bickering and scolding of his booth, that there is only one thing more disappointing than religion or chocolate: his friends.
Author's Note: I know, I should be updating Beyond the Looking Glass. But, for the past two weeks I was afflicted with an absolutely terrible sinus infection, and banned from going near the computer. [ So, I apologize for that and the update should come sometime this week. However there is another oneshot I really want to write down---a songfic about Wendy and Cartman. I swear that the song just seems perfect for them if you picture them with an off-again/on-again relationship like I do. Oh, I think I do owe you guys an apology for making Kenny so depressing at the end. Meh, if you want I left it open so who knows? Perhaps his friends will catch on and cheer him up from his depression. I honestly have no idea, I just love dissecting religious shit like this, and I am really craving chocolate right now, so I tried to find a way to compare the two. And this was the unfortunate result. Hope you enjoyed it. . .because it made me feel depressed. (leaves computer to go grab a chocolate bar that has absolutely NOTHING to do with God)