Written for comment_fic on livejournal
Prompt was for H/W, watching Star Trek the reboot
"Sorry, House, but you're way more like Spock."
"What do you mean?"
"Let's see - oh I don't know, it could be his over-the-top obsession with logic which is obviously compensating for something."
"Yeah, that's so awful that there's a planet full of people who all act rationally. Because NOT being irrational idiots is a symptom of needing to be hugged," House said.
"Yes, good, another reason why you're Spock -- his issues with emotional intimiacy. And then there are his obvious parental issues, and of course the fact that he's only half human."
"And you think you get to be Kirk? Oh sure, that makes sense, what with your casually reckless disregard for rules and law, your constant and highly illegal sexual harassment of coworkers, and your willingness to drug yourself to get your way -- oh wait, all that stuff decribes ME."
"Why would you think I want to be Kirk? He's a showboat and kind of a jerk. Oh, is that why you relate?"
"Bite me.... Wait, if you don't want to be Kirk, then who would you want to be?"
"Bones, obviously."
"Nobody wants to be Bones, Wilson."
"He's a competent medical professional who isn't afraid to tell an idiot that he's being an idiot. And he gets the best one-liners."
"Wait, if you're Bones, and you call your best friend an idiot, then that means I'm Kirk! You want to be the Bones to my Kirk, Wilson! That is so sweet. I would buy you roses, but I know you'll put out for carnations anyway."
Wilson narrowed his eyes. "Get over yourself, House. You're not Kirk."
"You're my Bones, Wilson. You even inject me when I need it, just like Bones did. Oh, bestill my Kirk-like heart."
"Well, if you really want to be accurate, you're the pain in the ass who gets the job done but only by being literally insufferable -- which, I'm pretty sure, makes you the disease that gets injected."
House balked at the comment, actually speechless for a half second.
"Live long and prosper, House."
"Eat shit and die, Wilson."