Gone in 60 hours
By Kicka**Mario (not originally by KillerOddish)
Original idea by KillerOddish
Yep, I'm back! Now then, you've been introduced to Mario, Yoshi, Toad, Peach, Furby,
Kanga, Mace, Newty, Spiny and Stretch. Now you're going to meet a famous person that
works on the black market...read on...
By the way, Marioland is divided into two parts. One side is Peach's, the big half is
Mario's. The zones are separated by Marioland gorge.
Previously...
Yoshi was given a blue beating stick by Mario. After a tough battle, Yoshi finally got a
highly poisonous newt, Newty and his son and wife, Stretch and Spiny, to join Mario's
team. Now, hiding in their war base, Mario has sent Newty in an airplane, armed with a
missile, to attack Peach's castle! Will Peach survive? Will Newty complete his mission?
Will Mace ever shut up? Find out...
Newty smiled as he flew across Marioland gorge. "All right Mazza, I'm approaching
Peach!" he said into his walkie talkie. Back in Mario's land, Mario listened in his war
base. It looked like a huge turtle with loads of guns on its back. "All right Newty," he
replied. "Prepare the missile. And for fuck sake, DON'T CALL ME MAZZA!"
"Roger, Mazz...I mean, Mario," said Newty.
At Peach's castle, Mace was outside, eating flowers. Ok, that sounds ok because it's what
Mace eats. But what makes it stupid is this-Mace has hayfever and starts sneezing when
he smells pollen. "Mace...Mace...ATCHOO!...Mace...ATCHOO!" he sneezed.
Suddenly, he noticed Newty. "MACE!?" he shrieked, and started rolling round in circles
like a ball, screaming.
"Huh, it's Mace!" said Newty. "He can send off a Mace alarm. Luckily, Mario provided
me with just the thing..." Newty took out a robot Mace and threw it at him.
"Mace! Mace! Mace! Mace!" said Robo-Mace, walking round in circles. "Mace?" said
Mace, confused. In confusion, he started copying the Robo-Mace.
However, Peach had noticed the plane, and spread the word. "QUICK! GET THE ROBO
TIGER! IT'S A MISSILE!" she screamed.
"No! A missile!" said Furby. "What if it destroys my cigars?"
"Ooooh...a missile..." said Kanga, sticking her head out the window. "AAAAAHHH!
MY HEAD'S STUCK!"
"Nya ha ha!" said Newty, as the missile powered up.
"Let's stop this missile!" said Peach, pressing a remote control. Outside the castle, a robotic tiger came out.
"FIRE!" said Newty. The missile fired. And...the tiger blocked it!!
"****!" said Mario. "Ok Newty, report back!"
"Ok Mariooooooo....God, the plane's outta control!"
"Ok Newty, abandon ship!" said Mario.
Meanwhile, Toad was playing with something that looked like a sheet.
"Whee!" he sang.
"Stretch, Spiny, could you see what Toad's doing?" asked Yoshi.
"Hey Toad, whatcha' doin'?" asked Stretch.
"Oh, this? This is cool. When you put it over your shoulders and jump, you float down!"
"Uhhh...Yoshi?" said Spiny.
"Yeah?"
Spiny whispered in his ear.
"Oooooooh shit. Mario?"
"Yeah?"
Yoshi whispered to Mario.
"OH GOD!" he yelled. "NEWTY! DO NOT ABANDON SHIP! TOAD TOOK YOUR
PARACHUTE!"
"Sorry Mario, I can't hear you-bad frequency!"
"REPEAT! DO NOT ABANDON SHIP! DON'T!"
"Ok! Abandon ship!"
"NOOOOOOOOOO!"
"Now I just pull this...AAAAHHH! WHERE'S MY PARACHUTE?" screamed Newty as
he plummeted to the ground with a thud.
(Note: Because this is a silly thing, no one dies. Ok? Yet, anyway)
"Yaaay! We're saved!" said Peach.
"Wait-the plane's on a collision course with us!" said Furby. No sooner had he spoken
than the Robo-tiger took the blow.
"Yaaaay!" said Furby.
"My head's stuck!" said Kanga.
But then the tiger, with the force of the blast, lost it's balance and
fell...backwards...onto Peach's castle, completely destroying it.
"No no no!" said Peach. "My beautiful castle!"
"Help! My head!" said Kanga, running round with the window frame stuck around her
neck.
"THAT'S IT!" said Peach. "THIS IS WAR!"
"Uh...Peach, we're already at war" said Furby.
"Fine then. PREPARE THE OTHER ROBOTS!"
"Peach, we don't have any robots. Apart from Tiger, and I don't think he classisfies as a robot right now."
"Fine. We'll get more fighters! And I know just where to get them...Ok everyone, to the car!"
"We have a car!?"
"By that I meant jump on Kanga's back, point a gun at her head and tell her where to go."
"We have no guns."
"THEN MIME THAT YOUR HOLDING ONE!"
"I don't have any fingers. Or any hands at all, for that matter."
"Aw shit!"
So, on Kanga's back, Peach, Mace and Furby went over Marioland gorge to-BIGFOOT'S CAR WAREHOUSE!"
"Ah say, men," said Bigfoot (He's just named Bigfoot, he's actually a monkey that looks and talks like Etemon ie. He talks like Bill Clinton), talking to his crash test dummies (yep, they drive his cars. And talk). "Remember, if a customer comes, these cars are first hand, the cracks in the windowpanes are tuh help you see better, and the doors are meant tuh fall off!"
"But boss," said a headless dummy. "The cars have crashed at least 12 times!"
"All the better for sellin' at stupidly high prices!" said Bigfoot.
"Yeah, but who'd want to buy 'em?"
"Someone stupid!" said Bigfoot, noticing Team Peachy coming towards them.
"Hello. We would like to buy a car. A fighting car," said Peach.
"Uh huh. Well ah say missay, you've come..."
"DON'T CALL ME THAT! I'M PEACH!"
"Well ok, Miss Punch, here we have this lovely family jeep. But really-IT'S GOT AH SECRET WEAPON! By hittin' this button, a Koopa jumps out of the bonnet and flattens you!"
"Duh," said the dummy inside the car. "I hit button now?"
"NO! DON'T..."
Too late. The koopa jumped out and flattened Peach.
"I don't know what's worse," she said. "The pain or the fact that Mario's probably watching."
"Nonsense missay!"
"THE NAME'S PEACH!"
"This garage is unable to be spied on!"
Meanwhile, in Mario's war dome...
"Look dad!" said Stretch. "Peach's being attacked by that car salesman! I see it all through this telescope!"
"Uhhh..." said the half-dead Newty. "Stretch, I've just completely shattered my spine. Daddy is finding it hard to talk and breathe and therefore has no energy to take part in this conversation. Ok?"
"What Newty's trying to say is you should tell Mario," said Spiny.
Back at Bigfoot's cars, Peach was still browsing.
"And this car has perfect ramming facilities!" said Bigfoot, rapping his knuckles on the car. It instantly fell apart.
"Hmmm...I don't like most of these cars," said Peach, noticing some tiny ones. "Oh! What about them?"
"Yeah, well they're worth 'bout 15 cents each..."
"I'LL TAKE THEM!"
"WHA...!?!?"
"How much did you say they were?"
"That's one million dollars for one, but just for you, I'll give you 4 of the one-million-each cars, for-FIVE MILLION DOLLARS!"
"You take Visa?"
"Uh...sure. But...uh...we have to keep...your credit card...for a while..."
"Hmmm...I'm not so sure about that..." said Peach.
"Mace! Mace!" said Mace.
"Translator please!" said Furby.
"Don't worry! I'll give you my credit card!" said the translator.
"Thank you very much, sucker, I mean, sir!" said Bigfoot, taking Mace's card.
"Boy, Mace is a real sucker!" said Peach as they drove home.
"Mace!" said Mace.
"Translator!"
"Yes, I do like to suck lollipops!" it translated as.
Back in the war dome, Mario had heard that Peach had bought new fighter cars. He'd also spied on them the whole way home, and found that they were going to attack the war dome as soon as they hooked them up to remote control.
"Don't want my hairdo damaged," said Peach. She noticed Mace chewing the wall.
"That one's Mace's," she said, pointing to one that was more battered up than the rest.
"Mace Mace!" said Mace.
"Translator!"
"Are you buying me a lollipop?" translated the translator.
"Mace isn't getting a remote control. He's driving his car himself," decided Peach.
"Hmmm...planning an attack, eh?" said Mario, with an evil British accent (I live in Britain!). "Prepare the war dome battle mode!"
The war domegrew legs and a head, so it really did look like a tortoise. Then it stood up on two legs. Huge machine guns appeared out of its sides.
"Uhhh...I feel nauscious..." complained Stretch, as the war dome changed form.
"As long as you're not sick over me you're Ok by my standards," said Yoshi. "We're ready for battle!"
Peach's barmy army of crashed cars approached the giant war dome.
"God, I was expecting a bit more than this!" said Mario. "Well, let's finish this battle!"
The war dome jumped up, and used a body slam.
"MAAAAAACE!" screamed Mace, his car going round and round in circles. But as it did, it hit the war dome fuel tank!
BOOM!
Mace's car (and Mace as well) were almost completely destroyed. And the war dome was lying on its turtle shell back, unable to move.
"Well, I take we lost?" asked Kanga.
"We won. We won. WE WON!" yelled Peach. She cracked open a bottle of bubbly and Furby lit a cigar and put it in his mouth.
"Maaaaace..." complained Mace, as he found the strength to roll back to Peach's castle.
"Hey, why don't we get Mace a lollipop because he beat Mario?" said Kanga.
Peach and Furby looked at each other, then back at Kanga.
"NAAAA!" they both said. "It's too much out of of our budget! Now let's order loads of alcohol in celebration of us for defeating Mario!"
"But Mace defeated Mario..."
"Well he wasn't quick enough to come back here and claim the glory!"
In the war dome, Mario and company were trying to get out of their sticky situation.
"Ok everyone," said Yoshi. "When I count to 3, we smash the wall. 1...2...3!"
The war dome rolled over and landed on its feet.
"Thank God!" said Mario. "Now we need to...YEEAAAH!" he yelled, as the war dome had been tilted too much, and was now back on its back.
"Ok then," said Yoshi. "Altogether now, 1...2..."
Eventually they got the war dome back on its feet.
"Hmmmm..." said Mario. "They now know the war dome's weakness."
"Correction," said Spiny. "They DID know the war dome's weakness. Knowing Mace, he'll have fogotten what it was by now."
"Don't be so sure. He might remember."
Back at Peach's castle, there was a huge party on.
"MACE...MACE MACE MACE...MACE!" squeaked Mace over the dance music.
"Translator!"
The translator translated: "Why are we having a party again?"
"There must be a way to get a new machine to beat them..." said Mario.
"There is one way..." said Yoshi.
"I hope that your idea works, Yoshi," said Newty. "You would not believe the pain this is causing!"
"Don't worry. It should work," Yoshi replied. Suddenly, a man in blue crossed their path.
"I AM CAPTAIN BLUEY!" he said. "And now I shall kill you!"
"Go jump off Marioland gorge!" said Mario.
"Hey, that's not such a bad idea!" said Bluey, and ran over to the gorge and jumped off.
"Insane,"said Yoshi.
Later, a man in black appeared.
"HA HA! I AM CAPTAIN BLACKY!" said the man.
"Uh, you aren't by any chance the risen spirit of Captain Bluey in a different costume?" asked Yoshi.
"NO! Bluey is my cousin! He is father to some squeaky furball called Mouse or something..."
"Mace?"
"Yeah, that's him!"
"Wait...Furby's a male, isn't he?"
"OH GOD!" said Blacky. "I FORGOT HOW FURBYS REPRODUCE! I'LL NEVER LIVE THIS DOWN! THERE'S ONLY ONE THING TO DO..."
"Commit suicide by jumping off Marioland gorge?"
"Actually, I was going to drink 10 pints of beer and forget the whole thing, but what an idea, man!" And he ran off and jumped off Marioland gorge.
"Okaaaay...Yoshi, how did you do that?" asked Mario.
"I don't know...hey, we're here!"
"Oh God Yoshi, you brought us HERE?"
"AH SAY SON, WELCOME TUH BIGFOOT'S CAR WAREHOUSE!" said Bigfoot, gesturing in Mario.
"Ok guys, we are going here to try and beat Peach, and never coming back. OK?" said Mario.
"Now all these cars come with drivers!" said Bigfoot. "Why don't you meet the team?"
Mario went over to a crash test dummy with no head.
"Ok, hello..." Mario looked the dummy's name tag. "Uh...hello....Bull..."
"Yes, go on," said the dummy.
"What?"
"Finish saying my name!"
"That is all of your bloody name!"
"Wait...oh, the boss has removed my full name,"
"What's that?"
"My name's Bullshit,"
"Okaaaaaaay...you must have had a cruel mother..."
Bullshit sniffed. "I know..."
(It's flashback time!)
"Hey, I thought there was no flashbacks in this?" said Newty.
A five year old Bullshit was playing merrily.
"BULLSHIT! STOP TALKING BULLSHIT!" his mother said.
"Ok mummy! Grass is blue! Oranges are green!" he replied.
"BULLSHIT! THAT'S IT!" said Bull's mother, and...took his head off. (Don't ask, people.)
"God, in all the history of hellbent flashbacks, that one tops No 1," said Stretch.
"You can call me Bull for short," said Bullshit. "Just don't confuse me with my brother, Bull."
"MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed a bull in a nearby car.
"I wasn't talking to you, Bull!" said Bull. (That's Bull the dummy, by the way. The one that was talking.) "That's Bull. I wouldn't make him mad if I were you."
"Hmmm...not bad for a cow," said Mario.
"Moo?" said Bull (the cow). "MOO! MOO! MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" Bull started thrashing about.
"Oh God!" said Bigfoot. "GET THE NEEDLE!"
Bull (dummy) injected a needle into Bull (cow).
"Uh huh," said Yoshi. "And the last one..." he said, going to a man wearing a black jumper with blue arms.
"And you are...?" asked Mario.
"MWAHAHA!" said the man. "I AM CAPTAIN BLACKY-BLUEY!"
"Blacky-Bluey?" said Spiny. "Not Captain Greeny? I was expecting Captain Redish..."
"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, IT'S BLACKY-BLUEY, NOT GREENY OR ANY OF THE OTHER CRUD YOU CAME UP WITH!"
"Well, Captain Crappy," said Yoshi. "What's your story and why are you attacking us?"
"If you're going to call me names, at least call me Captain Cack! Anyway, I am powered by both Captain Bluey and Captain Blacky! I heard you were irritating them and now I shall destroy you!"
"Wait...if you're powered by Blacky and Bluey, and they're dead, shouldn't you be powerless, or, in a word, dead?"
"Hmmm...I never thought of that..." said Blacky-Bluey, and died.
"Yoshi, you are one son of a bitch," said Mario.
"Ah say, I cun sell ya these cars for-2 MILLION DOLLARS A CAR!"
"EXCUSE ME!?" said Mario. (Note:That very surpised "Excuse me" is probably the politest thing Mario will say!) "YOU MEAN TO FUCKING TELL ME THAT THESE FUCKING SHITBAG CARS ARE A FUCKING TWO FUCKING MILLION DOLLARS? FOR FUCK SAKE I SHOULDN'T FUCKING USING FUCKING DOLLARS AND FUCKED UP CENTS BUT I FUCKING HAVE TO BECAUSE THE PEOPLE WHO FUCKING READ THIS ARE USUALLY FUCKING AMERICANS BUT A FUCKING TWO FUCKING MILLION FUCKING DOLLARS!? WHAT THE FUCK IS FUCKING UP WITH YOU, YA FUCKING SHITBAG! YOU AND YOUR OTHER FUCKING MONKEYS! YOU'VE GOT FUCKING WASPS FOR EYES! FUCKING WASPS! AND THEY'RE ALL FUCKING GOING 'BZZZ! BZZZ!' LIKE THE FUCKING WASPS THEY FUCKING WELL ARE, YOU FUCKING WALRUS!"
"Uh, ok sir, we'll take the prices down to...ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS A CAR!" said Bigfoot.
"LOOK, YOU FUCKING..."
"Ok sir, they're actually worth only a few cents each..."
"THAT'S MUCH FUCKING BETTER!"
"Oh! OOOOOH!" squeaked our irritating friend, Toad. "I saved up 2 shiny cents!"
"Uh huh," said Mario. "I remember that. You said you charged a hefty price for chocolate biscuits-20 dollars. They were so bad the locals only paid you two cents. And the Old Man you sold them to..."
"How was I to know he'd start clutching his chest and fall over?"
"Ok, I can sell ya these cars for-3 CENTS!" said Bigfoot.
"Awww..." said Toad.
"Hey son, no money, no cars..."
"GIVE HIM THE CAR!"
"Uh...ok..."
"Hmm..." said Yoshi. I'll take the battered up one."
"Which one would that be?" said Mario.
"Does it make a difference?"
"Ok, we'll take the white one."
"Hmm..." thought Spiny. "I don't think Newty's at a state to choose...so me, Newty and Stretch will have the one with the seatbelts."
"Ah say, thank yew for ya purchase, son! In fact, ah'll throw in Bull an' Bull an' their cars as well!
"Oh crap!" said Bull (dummy)
"MOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" said Bull (cow)
"Ah say, please come back to Bigfoot's car Warehouse!"
"NO FUCKING CHANCE!" screamed Yoshi, and drove off with Mario. The newt's car followed. Toad was still trying to figure out the difference between the brake and the accelerator. Eventually he figured it out and drove off.
"Wait, you young whippersnapper!" said a voice. "I didn't die when you gave me those cookies, but they turned me into a fucking Winnie-the-Pooh clone with an invisable mouth!" The old man appeared from behind a lampost. "Shit!" he screamed as Toad somehow managed to run him over.
"So Mario's getting cars as well, huh?" said Peach, looking through a pair of second-hand binoculars. "Ok! Let's get 'em!"
"Uh, Peach, Mace's car is still a little bit COMPLETELY FUCKING DESTROYED!" said Furby.
"So? Just when did you care about that God forsaken furball?"
"You make a persuasive arguement."
And Furby shoved Mace in his car. Then found out something that was so horrific that meant if he didn't die now he'd die in a few minutes.
"PEACH, THE FUCKING REMOTE'S AREN'T WORKING!"
"SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Ok," said Mario. "This is important, so no Bull!"
"MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"I meant no Bullshit!"
"But Bigfoot made me go here!"
"IF you don't all shut your holes, I'll make you all blacky-bluey!"
"But I'm dead!"
"Shit!"
They both met in Mario's side of Marioland.
"So Mario, we meet again!" said Peach. "And this time, it's personal!"
"IT WAS ALWAYS FUCKING PERSONAL, BITCH!"
"Mace!" squeaked Mace.
"The translator isn't working either, Peach!" said Furby.
"Never fear, Toady's here!" said Toad.
"Oh shit, Toad's here!" said Stretch.
Toad ran right into Mace's car, breaking both cars in the process.
"Rocket attack!" said Mario.
"Mario, all these cars can do is run into each other," said Yoshi.
"Crap!"
"Right! That's it!" said Spiny. "This needs a woman's touch!"
"Oh crap, Spiny, please don't do this!" said Newty.
Spiny went full speed into Furby's car.
"Do any of you have any consideration for me?" said Newty.
Bull and Bull crashed into Kanga and Mario and Yoshi crashed into Peach.
"These cars are rubbish!" said Mario as Peach reversed.
Suddenly, Bull (dummy) noticed a cyborg walking past.
"Mother?" he said.
"Son?" said the cyborg.
"Mum, what did you do to my head?"
"You expect me do give you that back? No chance!"
"Screw this, you bitch!" said Bull, ripping off her artificial head and putting it on him. "I'm one step a-head!"
"Shut it!" said Mario.
As Peach drove forward, Bull threw the head under the wheel, causing the car to do a ridiculous flip onto Furby's car, who skidded into Kanga, who instinctivly bounced onto (logically) Mace's car.
"Grrrrr!" said Peach. You have won this time, but we will return and make your life hell again! And they all laughed evily, until they forgot why they were laughing.
THE END!
Playing Captain Bluey was-WOODY ALLEN!
Playing Captain Blacky was-WE DON'T KNOW, WE KILLED HIM WHEN HE ASKED FOR HIS PAYCHECK!
Playing Captain Blacky-Bluey was-PLEASE DON'T ASK!
Playing Bigfoot was-BILL CLINTON!
Playing Newty was-NEWTY!
Playing Spiny was-SPINY!
Playing Stretch was-YES, YOU'VE GUESSED IT-A PENCIL!
Playing Peach was-SPECIAL GUEST-PUSSY GALORE FROM GOLDFINGER!
Playing Furby was-SEAN CONNERY!
Playing Mace was-A SOCCER BALL!
Playing Kanga was-NOBODY CARES!
Playing Yoshi was-YOSHI!
Playing Toad was-TOAD!
Playing Mario was-WARIO!
NOTE TO EVERYONE ABOUT FUTURE FANFICS!
Yes, it took a year to come. So? Just because I got The Sims and played it for 4 months straight, constantly having my families deleted. Then my monitor broke, and I couldn't get the file. Then, it turned out it wasn't broke, IT JUST WASN'T CONNECTED PROPERLY!
Also, I am sick of changing things into "cents" and "dollars." From now on, dollars and cents become coins, OK! Or possibly pounds and pence. My choice.
So watch out for more All new Mario fanfics-coming sometime!
Next episode-Idinewty Jones and the secret of the Newty temple!
By Kicka**Mario (not originally by KillerOddish)
Original idea by KillerOddish
Yep, I'm back! Now then, you've been introduced to Mario, Yoshi, Toad, Peach, Furby,
Kanga, Mace, Newty, Spiny and Stretch. Now you're going to meet a famous person that
works on the black market...read on...
By the way, Marioland is divided into two parts. One side is Peach's, the big half is
Mario's. The zones are separated by Marioland gorge.
Previously...
Yoshi was given a blue beating stick by Mario. After a tough battle, Yoshi finally got a
highly poisonous newt, Newty and his son and wife, Stretch and Spiny, to join Mario's
team. Now, hiding in their war base, Mario has sent Newty in an airplane, armed with a
missile, to attack Peach's castle! Will Peach survive? Will Newty complete his mission?
Will Mace ever shut up? Find out...
Newty smiled as he flew across Marioland gorge. "All right Mazza, I'm approaching
Peach!" he said into his walkie talkie. Back in Mario's land, Mario listened in his war
base. It looked like a huge turtle with loads of guns on its back. "All right Newty," he
replied. "Prepare the missile. And for fuck sake, DON'T CALL ME MAZZA!"
"Roger, Mazz...I mean, Mario," said Newty.
At Peach's castle, Mace was outside, eating flowers. Ok, that sounds ok because it's what
Mace eats. But what makes it stupid is this-Mace has hayfever and starts sneezing when
he smells pollen. "Mace...Mace...ATCHOO!...Mace...ATCHOO!" he sneezed.
Suddenly, he noticed Newty. "MACE!?" he shrieked, and started rolling round in circles
like a ball, screaming.
"Huh, it's Mace!" said Newty. "He can send off a Mace alarm. Luckily, Mario provided
me with just the thing..." Newty took out a robot Mace and threw it at him.
"Mace! Mace! Mace! Mace!" said Robo-Mace, walking round in circles. "Mace?" said
Mace, confused. In confusion, he started copying the Robo-Mace.
However, Peach had noticed the plane, and spread the word. "QUICK! GET THE ROBO
TIGER! IT'S A MISSILE!" she screamed.
"No! A missile!" said Furby. "What if it destroys my cigars?"
"Ooooh...a missile..." said Kanga, sticking her head out the window. "AAAAAHHH!
MY HEAD'S STUCK!"
"Nya ha ha!" said Newty, as the missile powered up.
"Let's stop this missile!" said Peach, pressing a remote control. Outside the castle, a robotic tiger came out.
"FIRE!" said Newty. The missile fired. And...the tiger blocked it!!
"****!" said Mario. "Ok Newty, report back!"
"Ok Mariooooooo....God, the plane's outta control!"
"Ok Newty, abandon ship!" said Mario.
Meanwhile, Toad was playing with something that looked like a sheet.
"Whee!" he sang.
"Stretch, Spiny, could you see what Toad's doing?" asked Yoshi.
"Hey Toad, whatcha' doin'?" asked Stretch.
"Oh, this? This is cool. When you put it over your shoulders and jump, you float down!"
"Uhhh...Yoshi?" said Spiny.
"Yeah?"
Spiny whispered in his ear.
"Oooooooh shit. Mario?"
"Yeah?"
Yoshi whispered to Mario.
"OH GOD!" he yelled. "NEWTY! DO NOT ABANDON SHIP! TOAD TOOK YOUR
PARACHUTE!"
"Sorry Mario, I can't hear you-bad frequency!"
"REPEAT! DO NOT ABANDON SHIP! DON'T!"
"Ok! Abandon ship!"
"NOOOOOOOOOO!"
"Now I just pull this...AAAAHHH! WHERE'S MY PARACHUTE?" screamed Newty as
he plummeted to the ground with a thud.
(Note: Because this is a silly thing, no one dies. Ok? Yet, anyway)
"Yaaay! We're saved!" said Peach.
"Wait-the plane's on a collision course with us!" said Furby. No sooner had he spoken
than the Robo-tiger took the blow.
"Yaaaay!" said Furby.
"My head's stuck!" said Kanga.
But then the tiger, with the force of the blast, lost it's balance and
fell...backwards...onto Peach's castle, completely destroying it.
"No no no!" said Peach. "My beautiful castle!"
"Help! My head!" said Kanga, running round with the window frame stuck around her
neck.
"THAT'S IT!" said Peach. "THIS IS WAR!"
"Uh...Peach, we're already at war" said Furby.
"Fine then. PREPARE THE OTHER ROBOTS!"
"Peach, we don't have any robots. Apart from Tiger, and I don't think he classisfies as a robot right now."
"Fine. We'll get more fighters! And I know just where to get them...Ok everyone, to the car!"
"We have a car!?"
"By that I meant jump on Kanga's back, point a gun at her head and tell her where to go."
"We have no guns."
"THEN MIME THAT YOUR HOLDING ONE!"
"I don't have any fingers. Or any hands at all, for that matter."
"Aw shit!"
So, on Kanga's back, Peach, Mace and Furby went over Marioland gorge to-BIGFOOT'S CAR WAREHOUSE!"
"Ah say, men," said Bigfoot (He's just named Bigfoot, he's actually a monkey that looks and talks like Etemon ie. He talks like Bill Clinton), talking to his crash test dummies (yep, they drive his cars. And talk). "Remember, if a customer comes, these cars are first hand, the cracks in the windowpanes are tuh help you see better, and the doors are meant tuh fall off!"
"But boss," said a headless dummy. "The cars have crashed at least 12 times!"
"All the better for sellin' at stupidly high prices!" said Bigfoot.
"Yeah, but who'd want to buy 'em?"
"Someone stupid!" said Bigfoot, noticing Team Peachy coming towards them.
"Hello. We would like to buy a car. A fighting car," said Peach.
"Uh huh. Well ah say missay, you've come..."
"DON'T CALL ME THAT! I'M PEACH!"
"Well ok, Miss Punch, here we have this lovely family jeep. But really-IT'S GOT AH SECRET WEAPON! By hittin' this button, a Koopa jumps out of the bonnet and flattens you!"
"Duh," said the dummy inside the car. "I hit button now?"
"NO! DON'T..."
Too late. The koopa jumped out and flattened Peach.
"I don't know what's worse," she said. "The pain or the fact that Mario's probably watching."
"Nonsense missay!"
"THE NAME'S PEACH!"
"This garage is unable to be spied on!"
Meanwhile, in Mario's war dome...
"Look dad!" said Stretch. "Peach's being attacked by that car salesman! I see it all through this telescope!"
"Uhhh..." said the half-dead Newty. "Stretch, I've just completely shattered my spine. Daddy is finding it hard to talk and breathe and therefore has no energy to take part in this conversation. Ok?"
"What Newty's trying to say is you should tell Mario," said Spiny.
Back at Bigfoot's cars, Peach was still browsing.
"And this car has perfect ramming facilities!" said Bigfoot, rapping his knuckles on the car. It instantly fell apart.
"Hmmm...I don't like most of these cars," said Peach, noticing some tiny ones. "Oh! What about them?"
"Yeah, well they're worth 'bout 15 cents each..."
"I'LL TAKE THEM!"
"WHA...!?!?"
"How much did you say they were?"
"That's one million dollars for one, but just for you, I'll give you 4 of the one-million-each cars, for-FIVE MILLION DOLLARS!"
"You take Visa?"
"Uh...sure. But...uh...we have to keep...your credit card...for a while..."
"Hmmm...I'm not so sure about that..." said Peach.
"Mace! Mace!" said Mace.
"Translator please!" said Furby.
"Don't worry! I'll give you my credit card!" said the translator.
"Thank you very much, sucker, I mean, sir!" said Bigfoot, taking Mace's card.
"Boy, Mace is a real sucker!" said Peach as they drove home.
"Mace!" said Mace.
"Translator!"
"Yes, I do like to suck lollipops!" it translated as.
Back in the war dome, Mario had heard that Peach had bought new fighter cars. He'd also spied on them the whole way home, and found that they were going to attack the war dome as soon as they hooked them up to remote control.
"Don't want my hairdo damaged," said Peach. She noticed Mace chewing the wall.
"That one's Mace's," she said, pointing to one that was more battered up than the rest.
"Mace Mace!" said Mace.
"Translator!"
"Are you buying me a lollipop?" translated the translator.
"Mace isn't getting a remote control. He's driving his car himself," decided Peach.
"Hmmm...planning an attack, eh?" said Mario, with an evil British accent (I live in Britain!). "Prepare the war dome battle mode!"
The war domegrew legs and a head, so it really did look like a tortoise. Then it stood up on two legs. Huge machine guns appeared out of its sides.
"Uhhh...I feel nauscious..." complained Stretch, as the war dome changed form.
"As long as you're not sick over me you're Ok by my standards," said Yoshi. "We're ready for battle!"
Peach's barmy army of crashed cars approached the giant war dome.
"God, I was expecting a bit more than this!" said Mario. "Well, let's finish this battle!"
The war dome jumped up, and used a body slam.
"MAAAAAACE!" screamed Mace, his car going round and round in circles. But as it did, it hit the war dome fuel tank!
BOOM!
Mace's car (and Mace as well) were almost completely destroyed. And the war dome was lying on its turtle shell back, unable to move.
"Well, I take we lost?" asked Kanga.
"We won. We won. WE WON!" yelled Peach. She cracked open a bottle of bubbly and Furby lit a cigar and put it in his mouth.
"Maaaaace..." complained Mace, as he found the strength to roll back to Peach's castle.
"Hey, why don't we get Mace a lollipop because he beat Mario?" said Kanga.
Peach and Furby looked at each other, then back at Kanga.
"NAAAA!" they both said. "It's too much out of of our budget! Now let's order loads of alcohol in celebration of us for defeating Mario!"
"But Mace defeated Mario..."
"Well he wasn't quick enough to come back here and claim the glory!"
In the war dome, Mario and company were trying to get out of their sticky situation.
"Ok everyone," said Yoshi. "When I count to 3, we smash the wall. 1...2...3!"
The war dome rolled over and landed on its feet.
"Thank God!" said Mario. "Now we need to...YEEAAAH!" he yelled, as the war dome had been tilted too much, and was now back on its back.
"Ok then," said Yoshi. "Altogether now, 1...2..."
Eventually they got the war dome back on its feet.
"Hmmmm..." said Mario. "They now know the war dome's weakness."
"Correction," said Spiny. "They DID know the war dome's weakness. Knowing Mace, he'll have fogotten what it was by now."
"Don't be so sure. He might remember."
Back at Peach's castle, there was a huge party on.
"MACE...MACE MACE MACE...MACE!" squeaked Mace over the dance music.
"Translator!"
The translator translated: "Why are we having a party again?"
"There must be a way to get a new machine to beat them..." said Mario.
"There is one way..." said Yoshi.
"I hope that your idea works, Yoshi," said Newty. "You would not believe the pain this is causing!"
"Don't worry. It should work," Yoshi replied. Suddenly, a man in blue crossed their path.
"I AM CAPTAIN BLUEY!" he said. "And now I shall kill you!"
"Go jump off Marioland gorge!" said Mario.
"Hey, that's not such a bad idea!" said Bluey, and ran over to the gorge and jumped off.
"Insane,"said Yoshi.
Later, a man in black appeared.
"HA HA! I AM CAPTAIN BLACKY!" said the man.
"Uh, you aren't by any chance the risen spirit of Captain Bluey in a different costume?" asked Yoshi.
"NO! Bluey is my cousin! He is father to some squeaky furball called Mouse or something..."
"Mace?"
"Yeah, that's him!"
"Wait...Furby's a male, isn't he?"
"OH GOD!" said Blacky. "I FORGOT HOW FURBYS REPRODUCE! I'LL NEVER LIVE THIS DOWN! THERE'S ONLY ONE THING TO DO..."
"Commit suicide by jumping off Marioland gorge?"
"Actually, I was going to drink 10 pints of beer and forget the whole thing, but what an idea, man!" And he ran off and jumped off Marioland gorge.
"Okaaaay...Yoshi, how did you do that?" asked Mario.
"I don't know...hey, we're here!"
"Oh God Yoshi, you brought us HERE?"
"AH SAY SON, WELCOME TUH BIGFOOT'S CAR WAREHOUSE!" said Bigfoot, gesturing in Mario.
"Ok guys, we are going here to try and beat Peach, and never coming back. OK?" said Mario.
"Now all these cars come with drivers!" said Bigfoot. "Why don't you meet the team?"
Mario went over to a crash test dummy with no head.
"Ok, hello..." Mario looked the dummy's name tag. "Uh...hello....Bull..."
"Yes, go on," said the dummy.
"What?"
"Finish saying my name!"
"That is all of your bloody name!"
"Wait...oh, the boss has removed my full name,"
"What's that?"
"My name's Bullshit,"
"Okaaaaaaay...you must have had a cruel mother..."
Bullshit sniffed. "I know..."
(It's flashback time!)
"Hey, I thought there was no flashbacks in this?" said Newty.
A five year old Bullshit was playing merrily.
"BULLSHIT! STOP TALKING BULLSHIT!" his mother said.
"Ok mummy! Grass is blue! Oranges are green!" he replied.
"BULLSHIT! THAT'S IT!" said Bull's mother, and...took his head off. (Don't ask, people.)
"God, in all the history of hellbent flashbacks, that one tops No 1," said Stretch.
"You can call me Bull for short," said Bullshit. "Just don't confuse me with my brother, Bull."
"MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed a bull in a nearby car.
"I wasn't talking to you, Bull!" said Bull. (That's Bull the dummy, by the way. The one that was talking.) "That's Bull. I wouldn't make him mad if I were you."
"Hmmm...not bad for a cow," said Mario.
"Moo?" said Bull (the cow). "MOO! MOO! MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" Bull started thrashing about.
"Oh God!" said Bigfoot. "GET THE NEEDLE!"
Bull (dummy) injected a needle into Bull (cow).
"Uh huh," said Yoshi. "And the last one..." he said, going to a man wearing a black jumper with blue arms.
"And you are...?" asked Mario.
"MWAHAHA!" said the man. "I AM CAPTAIN BLACKY-BLUEY!"
"Blacky-Bluey?" said Spiny. "Not Captain Greeny? I was expecting Captain Redish..."
"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, IT'S BLACKY-BLUEY, NOT GREENY OR ANY OF THE OTHER CRUD YOU CAME UP WITH!"
"Well, Captain Crappy," said Yoshi. "What's your story and why are you attacking us?"
"If you're going to call me names, at least call me Captain Cack! Anyway, I am powered by both Captain Bluey and Captain Blacky! I heard you were irritating them and now I shall destroy you!"
"Wait...if you're powered by Blacky and Bluey, and they're dead, shouldn't you be powerless, or, in a word, dead?"
"Hmmm...I never thought of that..." said Blacky-Bluey, and died.
"Yoshi, you are one son of a bitch," said Mario.
"Ah say, I cun sell ya these cars for-2 MILLION DOLLARS A CAR!"
"EXCUSE ME!?" said Mario. (Note:That very surpised "Excuse me" is probably the politest thing Mario will say!) "YOU MEAN TO FUCKING TELL ME THAT THESE FUCKING SHITBAG CARS ARE A FUCKING TWO FUCKING MILLION DOLLARS? FOR FUCK SAKE I SHOULDN'T FUCKING USING FUCKING DOLLARS AND FUCKED UP CENTS BUT I FUCKING HAVE TO BECAUSE THE PEOPLE WHO FUCKING READ THIS ARE USUALLY FUCKING AMERICANS BUT A FUCKING TWO FUCKING MILLION FUCKING DOLLARS!? WHAT THE FUCK IS FUCKING UP WITH YOU, YA FUCKING SHITBAG! YOU AND YOUR OTHER FUCKING MONKEYS! YOU'VE GOT FUCKING WASPS FOR EYES! FUCKING WASPS! AND THEY'RE ALL FUCKING GOING 'BZZZ! BZZZ!' LIKE THE FUCKING WASPS THEY FUCKING WELL ARE, YOU FUCKING WALRUS!"
"Uh, ok sir, we'll take the prices down to...ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS A CAR!" said Bigfoot.
"LOOK, YOU FUCKING..."
"Ok sir, they're actually worth only a few cents each..."
"THAT'S MUCH FUCKING BETTER!"
"Oh! OOOOOH!" squeaked our irritating friend, Toad. "I saved up 2 shiny cents!"
"Uh huh," said Mario. "I remember that. You said you charged a hefty price for chocolate biscuits-20 dollars. They were so bad the locals only paid you two cents. And the Old Man you sold them to..."
"How was I to know he'd start clutching his chest and fall over?"
"Ok, I can sell ya these cars for-3 CENTS!" said Bigfoot.
"Awww..." said Toad.
"Hey son, no money, no cars..."
"GIVE HIM THE CAR!"
"Uh...ok..."
"Hmm..." said Yoshi. I'll take the battered up one."
"Which one would that be?" said Mario.
"Does it make a difference?"
"Ok, we'll take the white one."
"Hmm..." thought Spiny. "I don't think Newty's at a state to choose...so me, Newty and Stretch will have the one with the seatbelts."
"Ah say, thank yew for ya purchase, son! In fact, ah'll throw in Bull an' Bull an' their cars as well!
"Oh crap!" said Bull (dummy)
"MOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" said Bull (cow)
"Ah say, please come back to Bigfoot's car Warehouse!"
"NO FUCKING CHANCE!" screamed Yoshi, and drove off with Mario. The newt's car followed. Toad was still trying to figure out the difference between the brake and the accelerator. Eventually he figured it out and drove off.
"Wait, you young whippersnapper!" said a voice. "I didn't die when you gave me those cookies, but they turned me into a fucking Winnie-the-Pooh clone with an invisable mouth!" The old man appeared from behind a lampost. "Shit!" he screamed as Toad somehow managed to run him over.
"So Mario's getting cars as well, huh?" said Peach, looking through a pair of second-hand binoculars. "Ok! Let's get 'em!"
"Uh, Peach, Mace's car is still a little bit COMPLETELY FUCKING DESTROYED!" said Furby.
"So? Just when did you care about that God forsaken furball?"
"You make a persuasive arguement."
And Furby shoved Mace in his car. Then found out something that was so horrific that meant if he didn't die now he'd die in a few minutes.
"PEACH, THE FUCKING REMOTE'S AREN'T WORKING!"
"SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Ok," said Mario. "This is important, so no Bull!"
"MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"I meant no Bullshit!"
"But Bigfoot made me go here!"
"IF you don't all shut your holes, I'll make you all blacky-bluey!"
"But I'm dead!"
"Shit!"
They both met in Mario's side of Marioland.
"So Mario, we meet again!" said Peach. "And this time, it's personal!"
"IT WAS ALWAYS FUCKING PERSONAL, BITCH!"
"Mace!" squeaked Mace.
"The translator isn't working either, Peach!" said Furby.
"Never fear, Toady's here!" said Toad.
"Oh shit, Toad's here!" said Stretch.
Toad ran right into Mace's car, breaking both cars in the process.
"Rocket attack!" said Mario.
"Mario, all these cars can do is run into each other," said Yoshi.
"Crap!"
"Right! That's it!" said Spiny. "This needs a woman's touch!"
"Oh crap, Spiny, please don't do this!" said Newty.
Spiny went full speed into Furby's car.
"Do any of you have any consideration for me?" said Newty.
Bull and Bull crashed into Kanga and Mario and Yoshi crashed into Peach.
"These cars are rubbish!" said Mario as Peach reversed.
Suddenly, Bull (dummy) noticed a cyborg walking past.
"Mother?" he said.
"Son?" said the cyborg.
"Mum, what did you do to my head?"
"You expect me do give you that back? No chance!"
"Screw this, you bitch!" said Bull, ripping off her artificial head and putting it on him. "I'm one step a-head!"
"Shut it!" said Mario.
As Peach drove forward, Bull threw the head under the wheel, causing the car to do a ridiculous flip onto Furby's car, who skidded into Kanga, who instinctivly bounced onto (logically) Mace's car.
"Grrrrr!" said Peach. You have won this time, but we will return and make your life hell again! And they all laughed evily, until they forgot why they were laughing.
THE END!
Playing Captain Bluey was-WOODY ALLEN!
Playing Captain Blacky was-WE DON'T KNOW, WE KILLED HIM WHEN HE ASKED FOR HIS PAYCHECK!
Playing Captain Blacky-Bluey was-PLEASE DON'T ASK!
Playing Bigfoot was-BILL CLINTON!
Playing Newty was-NEWTY!
Playing Spiny was-SPINY!
Playing Stretch was-YES, YOU'VE GUESSED IT-A PENCIL!
Playing Peach was-SPECIAL GUEST-PUSSY GALORE FROM GOLDFINGER!
Playing Furby was-SEAN CONNERY!
Playing Mace was-A SOCCER BALL!
Playing Kanga was-NOBODY CARES!
Playing Yoshi was-YOSHI!
Playing Toad was-TOAD!
Playing Mario was-WARIO!
NOTE TO EVERYONE ABOUT FUTURE FANFICS!
Yes, it took a year to come. So? Just because I got The Sims and played it for 4 months straight, constantly having my families deleted. Then my monitor broke, and I couldn't get the file. Then, it turned out it wasn't broke, IT JUST WASN'T CONNECTED PROPERLY!
Also, I am sick of changing things into "cents" and "dollars." From now on, dollars and cents become coins, OK! Or possibly pounds and pence. My choice.
So watch out for more All new Mario fanfics-coming sometime!
Next episode-Idinewty Jones and the secret of the Newty temple!