Well here I am again, new fic, same time, same place. I only own me and nothing else.
(It was another sunday I spent sitting on Snake's porch drinking and trading war stories)
Snake: So then I knock him out then steal his Asian pinups
Liquid: Classic
(Liquid got a new body after Big Shell and is sick of fighting Snake.)
Me: Yeah good times, good times.
(Just then a car pulls up and Sam Fisher pops his head out of the rear window with a paintball gun.)
Fisher: Snake, long time no see!
Snake: Shit!
(by the time Snake draws his M9 to fire back the porch and us are covered in paintballs.)
Snake: Curse you Fisher.
Me: Snake, why did that happen ?
Snake: He's mad at me for dressing like him in the MGS 4 trailer. First he leaves dead fish on my roof so seagulls crap on it, then he throws a tazer in my pool while I'm swimming, now this!
Me: Lets teach him a lesson then!
Snake: Grab your hog.
(So we were off to catch Fisher and knock the crap out of him, but we left Liquid behind so he took the chance to steal all Snake's booze and porn.)
Liquid: Jackpot!
(By the time we found Fisher he was in a truck on the freeway, and he had a minigun.)
Fisher: Lambert keep this thing steady!
Lambert: That's Colonel Lambert!
Snake: Fisher!
(I sat on the back of my hog taking pot shots at Fisher's truck. Then one of the rounds strikes the tire and sends us flying. )
Me: My hog.
Snake: We need new wheels!
(Just then 2 Halo marines pull up in a Warthog.)
Marine 1: Hey you guys ok?
Snake: We are now!
(Snake tranqs them both.)
Me: I'll drive.
Snake: Why?
Me: Because I'm the best driver in my clan.
Snakegiving me the evil eye Oh really?
Me: Don't get me wrong you guys rock but MGS dosen't have drival tanks and jeeps.
Snake: Oh.
(I drive while Snake guns and we continue are chase.)
Snake: There he is!
(Snake fires while I pull up along side, Just then Radien shows up on a riceburner.)
Radien: Can I help?
Me: Yeah take the wheel!
(Radien jumps off the bike and I move out of the diver's seat, just as I'm about to jump on the truck Radien tells me something important.)
Radien: Hey Bigger Boss I can't drive!
Me: What?
(Snake and I get in our second wreck of the day.)
Me: Thanks a lot dipshit! Why didn't you tell us you don't drive?
Radien: You never asked!
Me:looks down at busted tommygun Oh man! looks for SOCOM Oh wait, I traded it to that dealer for some weed. still got the weed though. holds up 3 blunts
Snake: You guys wanna get high?
Me: Sure.
(Three hours later we really don't care whats going on.)
Snake: Dude !
Me: Sweet!
Raiden: Huh!
(Just then Sgt Johnson pulls up with the two marines. )
Marine1: That's them sir!
Johnson: So you're the ones who jacked my boys Warthog?
Me: Yeah dude.
Johnson: Well thats bad for you.
(Johnson then pulls out his sniper rifle and starts melee attacking us)
Snake: Weak, dude.
(Johnson jumps in the Warthog.)
Johnson: Seeya dipshits!drives off
(Just as we're about to die from blood loss Big Boss drives up.)
Big Boss: Here take these. hands me and snake 5 rations each
Me: Thanks, but why?
Big Boss: Your's trying to bring down Microsoft, I want to help.
Me: Why?
Big Boss: Because the Xbox port of MGS3 makes me look fat.
Snake: But where did you come from, Dad?
Big Boss: Funny story about that.
(Flashback)
(Secret Goverment Morge)
Guard: in girly voice Doctor you've been saving lives all night you need to rest. in normal voice I'll take a break when death takes a break. Clear! shockes Big Boss's remains with the paddles
Big Boss:bolts up right What the fuck, who are you?
Guard: I'm well a...
Big Boss: I've got no time for this! kills guard, escapes base"
(end of flashback)
Big Boss: Good times, good times.
Me: Alright lets do this thang!pulls out a fixed tommygun and SOCOM from 4th dimension)
(Across town)
Dealer: I'm gonna bust a cap in your bitch ass! looks for SOCOM ahhh yeah bustin caps.
(Second dealer cocks nine)
Dealer: Shit!
(back to our heros outside Microsoft HQ )
Snake: We're going to take on the biggest corperation on the planet?
Me: And win!
Me/Snake/Big Boss: AHHHHHHHHHHH
(we run though the revolving door and are meeted by Colonel Lambert Sgt. Johnson and Bill Gates himself)
Me: AWWW crap!
Snake: I'll take care of this pulls out Stinger, and does his best Scarface impersonation" Say hello to my little friend.
Me: Quickly, to the elevator!
(Big Boss and I enter the elevator and head to the top of the hundred story building, but it stops at the 50th.)
Me: We will take the fire escape the rest of the way up!
(Just then we see a shadowy figure in the center of the room.)
: Long time Jack, or should I say Big Boss?
Big Boss: Boss?
Boss: Yes! Lets see if your still the student, Jack!
Big Boss: Kid, get that Fisher guy, I'll cover you!
Me: Right!
(I run right past The Joy and make my way to the CEO office.)
Fisher: Never thought you'd make it this far.
Me: Enough talk, die!
(Fires whole clip at Fisher. He had no chance.)
(I arive back on the 50th floor to a bizzare scene.)
Big Boss: Urg! No!
Boss: Say Uncle!
Big Boss: Urg! Little help here!
Me:thinks for a second Hey Boss want some weed?
Boss: Sure!
(Tokes up.)
Boss: Sweet!
Me: Nows our chance.
Boss: I'm so high right now.
(We go back to the lobby to find Snake still trying to kill an invicible Sgt. Johnson.)
Johnson:Hit with Stinger Heh that tickled, what else you got?
Snake: Stupid Flood DNA Boren syndrome stuff!
Me: Jobs done, lets just go.
Snake: OK!
(We went to relax after a long mission and Snake got his clone father back.)
Authors Note - Well that's that, and the hate post from Splinter Cell fans should start ... Now! Oh and for all those that care Raiden was picked up by Vamp and he had some fun.
Raiden: Yeah we did!
Me: Get out of my notes queer!
The End
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