This is one I couldn't resist doing for the Deep Regret's storyline. I hope that you all enjoy this one, and are enjoying the remainder of the holiday season. Gregg.
Disclaimer: I don't own, or profit from, these characters or franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
"It's not that big a deal," Bones said as she got dressed, hiding the smile that was on her lips as she said that.
"Not a big deal?" Booth exclaimed. "How is this not a big deal, Bones? I have the most beautiful woman in the world as my wife, and now I can't even get it up to show her how much I love her. If I wasn't so damn frustrated, I'd be crying."
"You are fifty-four, Booth," she said as she came back into the bedroom from the large walk in closet she had. "Many men begin to have erectile problems in your age range. There are ways of dealing with that."
"No! I am not going to depend on some damn pill to get Junior down there to cooperate!" Booth decreed.
"Perhaps talking with Sweets would be of some help," she suggested.
"Talk with Sweets?" Booth practically screeched. "There is no way I am going to lay there and talk about some latent Oedipal issues, Bones!" He shuddered at the mere thought of doing so.
"How about I pick up some visual stimuli for you to utilize?" she offered.
"Porn?" he really screeched this time. "No way, Bones! I will not turn into one of those pathetic pansies who needs porn to get it up for his wife!" He didn't dare mention that fact that Bones had a jealous streak a mile wide and if she thought for a nanosecond that the only way he could get a hard on was to look at other women naked, he'd be a dead man.
"I will do some research and see if I can come up with some way of dealing with your problem," she told him. She walked over to him and gave him a kiss. "See you this evening."
He groaned as he pulled on his shoulder holster and jacket. The fact that Bones was now on the case had him worried for some reason. Oh, well. If she could come up with some acceptable way for him to have sex again in this lifetime, he would be a happy man. He looked down at his belt, and slightly below.
"You better get it in gear, Junior! I will not talk with Sweets, or take some damn pills to save your sorry ass!" he muttered as he walked out of his bedroom. It was Bones' turn to take the kids to daycare, so he had a quiet house for the next twenty minutes until had to leave for work.
"I was wondering if you had any suggestions, Cam," Bones asked as the two women, plus Angela, sat down in Bones' office.
"Studly's having problems getting it up?" Angela asked incredulously. From what Bren had said over the years the man was a living sex machine. Not that Angela had been all that surprised given what she had seen of the man and his physical condition from the very start, but all of a sudden like this?
Cam was having a bit of trouble imagining Seeley Booth having erectile dysfunction of any kind, but it happened to men regardless of their physical condition and prowess. She could only imagine the conversation that Brennan had related to them, especially his reaction to the suggestion of talking with Sweets about it.
"It could be a variety of reasons, Bren," Cam said to her friend. "How was his last physical? Any indication of high blood pressure or the onset of diabetes?"
"No, he was in excellent health," Bones replied. "I make sure to go over his physicals with his physician thoroughly."
Cam and Angela were in no doubt about that. Even when Booth had been involved with Hannah all those years ago Brennan had been very observant of Booth's health, and had been since his brain surgery some time before that.
"Well, I can give you some references that may help you, but I must confess that this is a bit beyond my area of expertise," Cam said finally. She wrote down a couple of websites that would provide a wealth of information on any medical subject. "Look into it with these sites. They should help you."
"Thank you, Cam," Bones said as she booted up her laptop.
"Let us know how it turns out," Angela said with a grin and a wink.
"I will," Bones said with a smile of her own at her two friends as they left the office.
Booth got home that evening a little later than usual, but he'd called Bones and let her know that he had a late meeting that couldn't be set for later in the week. His whole day had been one boring meeting after another. It was days like this that made him wish that he'd never left the field. When he was partners with Bones he'd looked forward to going to work. Not anymore, despite the fact that he knew that the work he was now doing was important. Opening the fridge, he bent down to look for his steak that he'd planned on cooking and having for dinner. It was late enough that the kids would be in bed and Bones would be working in her office. He'd bug her when he had his dinner. It was their thing. A frown crossed his face as he couldn't find his steak. Hell, he couldn't find any of his meat!
"Bones!" he hollered, not caring if it woke the kids. He wanted his steak, dammit!
"Yes, Booth?" Bones came in and gave him a quick kiss.
"Don't give me that yes, Booth and innocent look," he said, giving her a knowing look. "Where's my steak, and all the other meat I just bought the day before yesterday?"
"I threw it out," Bones calmly told him.
Booth about had a stroke. "What!" he said, trying to keep his voice down a bit. "That was all good food!"
"Well, I didn't throw it out," Bones admitted.
"Thank, God," Booth sighed.
"I gave it all to Hodgins, including all that was in the freezers," she informed him.
"Hodgins!" he bellowed. "What the Hell did you do that for?"
"You are now on a vegetarian diet," she let him know.
Booth scrunched up his face in disgust. "I am not a vegetarian!" he said bluntly.
"You are now," Bones told him and walked out of the kitchen, sashaying her behind for him. "There are some veggie burgers in the fridge you can cook up for tonight. I'll be in my office when you get done with dinner."
Booth grumbled and groused the entire time he cooked and choked down the offending meat substitute. He wasn't about to admit that it was actually pretty good, though. They were, but he was a meat and potatoes man. Not this veggie crap! Things were bad enough what with him unable to "perform" in the bedroom! This just added insult to injury!
Bones was in her office working on her novel when he came in, looking like he'd just swallowed an insect of some sort. She was hard pressed not to laugh at the sight. This was serious, though, as she was doing this based on some of the research she'd done on his, ahem, problem.
"Okay, Bones, I just managed to eat that crap without hurling all over the place," Booth said in a determined voice. "Now what the Hell possessed you to give away all my meat?"
"You're erectile dysfunction," she told him simply.
"I do not have that!" he said through clenched teeth.
"Then I guess you will be able to appreciate this," she said as she stood up, moved in front of her large desk and slid off her satin robe, revealing to him that she was completely nude underneath.
Booth took a deep breath, a long look at his spectacularly gorgeous wife, and then down at Junior who wasn't even stirring, the damn traitor! Not even a damn twitch! "Damn!" he said out loud.
"You refuse to acknowledge the possibility of this being psychological in origin, which considering my own ambivalence towards psychology I can appreciate, and you also refuse to look into a pharmacological solution to our problem, thus I am reduced by research to concluding that your dietary choices in relation to your changing body chemistry at your age is what is causing this disturbing occurrence," she told him. "A vegetarian diet to reinvigorate your hormonal balances is one way in which this can be solved."
"But Bones," he whined. "I'm a man, and men do not eat all that rabbit crap!"
She raised a brow. "It's stereotypical talk like that that will permanently banish you from enjoying my body," she warned him.
Booth gulped. He knew better than to spout out the gender stuff, but come on! This was his meat they were talking about! Booth was a meat loving carnivore, not some green freak herbivore! He made sure not to verbalize those thoughts, though. He still wanted to have sex again when Junior decided to cooperate.
"I am willing to compromise, though," she told him as she shrugged into her robe and tied it closed.
"I love compromise," Booth said instantly, a wide smile on his face. He didn't like compromise one damn bit, but he knew this was the best he'd get, so he was going to suck it up and take what he could get.
"We will have you on a vegetarian diet for three months and see what results we get in the bedroom department," she told him.
"Three months!" he shouted in horror. That was no compromise in his opinion!
"If your libido, and Junior's pep return, I will modify the diet to include two days of meat included meals, though you will have to have some supplements to take care of the lost nutrition you will suffer from those meals," she told him. "You will also be drinking a special shake to help balance your metabolism, and also allow for a thorough cleansing of your body."
That last horrified him. "I won't be on the can 24 hours a day, will I?" he asked with a shudder. He recalled when Hodgins had to undergo something like that after surgery on his intestinal tract a few years back and the man had practically lived on the porcelain throne.
"No," Bones chuckled. "This will be much lighter on your system."
"And you call all this Hell a compromise?" he asked, thinking maybe she would look at it again and see that what she termed compromise was entirely too one sided.
"It's either that or you can begin counseling sessions with Sweets tomorrow morning," she informed him.
"Good compromise, Bones!" he said with forced enthusiasm. Seeing Sweets about this was a no go in his opinion.
"I thought you would see it my way," she said with a smile. "Now why don't you sit down and read a comic book while I finish writing this chapter?" she suggested as she sat back down and reopened the file with her latest novel.
"Graphic Novel, Bones," he said as he laid back on the couch and picked up his new comic that he'd bought the other day.
Three Months Later
Booth was smiling wide as his dinner was set down in front of him. Oh yeah! This was what he was talking about! A nice, juicy 16 ounce steak, grilled to perfection; one large baked potato slathered with butter, sour cream, chives, bacon bits, and a little salt and pepper; thick slices of garlic bread dripping with melted butter; and a massive piece of fresh baked apple pie from the diner. The best part? Not one leafy, crappy vegetable in sight. He didn't count the chives in that category. He was about to have the first meat in a meal in three months. He'd done it. Junior was back in working order and taking care of business like there was no tomorrow, much to Bones' and his pleasure. He inhaled deeply the scent of the meal.
"Now that's a real meal, Bones," he told her, his brows waggling.
"Just remember that it is only two times a week you can have meat, Booth," she warned him.
"I know," he grumbled. "I'm trying to savor the moment here, Bones. Try not to ruin it for me."
"Well I will leave you to your erectile dysfunction special," she told him as she stood up. "I will be in the bedroom relaxing with a good book when you decide to join me."
"Don't take it too hard," he told the meal, being utterly ridiculous. "She's just jealous!" he said as he took a massive bite of his steak and began to chow down on the magnificent meal. Ahh. Heaven!
Two hours later Bones was laughing her proverbial ass off. Booth had taken on step into their bedroom, opened his mouth to say something and then doubled over and rushed to the bathroom. He'd been on there ever since evacuating his bowels of everything he'd ate for dinner, and then some. She knocked on the door to the bathroom.
"There's air freshener in a spray bottle, Booth, when you get done," she told him. "I'm going to spend the night in my office where it's far less toxic." She continued laughing as she walked out of the bedroom and headed for her office.
Booth just sat on the throne being miserable. He decided that he was definitely going to tone it down on how much he ate the good stuff from now on. He figured not getting any because of this was way worse than not getting any simply because Junior was not cooperating. He groaned as he felt his intestines contract and roll again. It sucked to get old!
A/N: Well, there it is. A fun one shot to start out the New Year. I hope you all enjoyed it. I plan on having a new chapter to An End To Celibacy posted in the next couple of days. Gregg.
A/N2: While I may have made this into a humorous story, erectile dysfunction is something that I think is a serious issue that should be addressed when it occurs as there may be a number of underlying health concerns attached to it. If my humorous use of this serious problem has offended anyone, I sincerely apologize as that was not my intent.