Summary: Food fights are fun for all species. However, the wraith version of a food fight is a little bit different.
A/N: This is entirely NOT my fault. It was brought on by a line said by O'Neill in PyroDragon2006's fic Fate's Fickle Humor about the wraith bringing a whole new meaning to the term "Food fight". So if you happened to be reading this Pyro it's all your fault.
Disclaimer: It's all mine. See? (holds out a piece of paper with "I own SGA" written on it in purple crayon) Why are you looking at me like that? Don't you believe me? Food Fight
You know how your parents are always telling you not to play with your food? Well, wraith parents tell their kids that too. Naturally they listen about as much as human kids. This is the story of Bill, Phil, and Gil, three wraith that grew up together and never grew out of the habit of playing with their food. They should have listened to their parents.
It all started with their first feeding. In their excitement they couldn't wait for the following morning for the ceremony of their first feeding. They'd snuck out of their hive ship to cull humans for the first time without adult supervision.
That was just asking for it.
None of them had any previous experience flying the wraith culling ships and so had no clue how to get them to work. After several hours of fiddling with the controls, Phil finally managed to get his ship airborne – for about ten seconds anyway. He ended up crashing into the side of a nearby mountain. Lucky for him, the dart was a piece of crap and it didn't explode, much to the disappointment of several Ascended Ancients who were to lazy to get off their non-corporeal butts and barbeque the wraith. Ten seconds wasn't much time but it was enough for Gil, the scientifically inclined one of the group, to figure the mechanisms out.
Within ten minutes all three young wraith were zipping through the sky heading for a village on the far side of the mountain with one thought on their minds; rare, medium, or well done?
Bill wanted well done, Phil was going with rare, and Gil couldn't decide so he went with medium.
In theory their plan was simple; swing by, scoop up a couple of humans, skedaddle off and eat them. However they hadn't planned on getting so side tracked with flying through barns, scattering their funky cow like beasts in the field and generally making a mess.
Such was born their bad habit of playing with their food. They really should have listened to their parents.
The Fate of Phil
Poor Phil was the first to go. He thought it would be fun to chase that crazy runner who had eluded all the best wraith hunters for the last five years. It was so much more fun when the food fought back!
He took off after spotting him on a marshy planet with his stunner in hand and a smile on his face. A smile that vanished when he suddenly found himself upside down and his former prey standing in front of him with a predator-like smile. How come he could get the dread-locked-wild-man hairdo to work for him? Every time Phil tried it he looked like he'd stuck his tongue on a ZPM.
Some people had all the luck.
Phil wasn't one of them.
Turns out he wasn't only hanging upside down with his weapons just out of reach on the ground and a very ticked off, vengeful runner standing in front of him, but he also happened to be hanging over a small pond with a very large, very hungry looking reptile with very large, very sharp teeth (think really really gnarly croc).
Phil looked at the runner in alarm and slight disbelief. His only response came in the form of a satisfied smirk and a jaunty little wave. Phil looked back at the creature who looked back at him and licked its jaws.
The poor wraith watched helplessly as the hungry animal launched itself towards its dinner.
Uh-oh this is gonna-
MUNCH!!!
Ronon smiled as he watched the latest wraith that had been stupid enough to hunt him get eaten. Poetic justice.
No More Bill
Bill didn't fare much better than his friend. He was taking a nice stroll on a volcanic planet – it had such nice sunsets – when he heard a couple of humans talking loudly and carelessly. Practically begging to be fed upon to Bill's way of thinking, which was centered entirely around food.
Since Bill always catered to his stomach's interest he snuck up over a hill and launched himself upon the two humans below thinking to scare the crap out of them before eating them. That was so much fun!
Them quickly stepping out of the way and revealing the open mouth of a smoking volcano was not so much fun. Especially when he realized that his supposed-to-be-scary-leap was taking him right towards it!
Sheppard looked over at Rodney and gave his trademark rakish grin, "Looks like a Bar-B-Q to me!"
Rodney gave a weak, wavering smile back, "That sounds… um… delicious I'm sure."
The End of Gil
Poor old Gil followed soon after that. He may have been scientifically inclined but in the end that curiosity that goes with it was what did him in. Well, part of it anyway.
Beckett and Teyla kinda helped a bit.
Gil was walking along trying to figure out the secret for making Nerf guns – he'd seen a commercial for one on the Lantean Network the other day – when he suddenly found himself confronted with a dark haired human male holding a vial of something in his hands.
"Hello," said the human. "I'm Doctor Carson Beckett and this is my lovely assistant Teyla." Gil suddenly noticed a small but strong looking woman standing off to the side giving him a brilliant smile. "I was wondering if we could have just a few minutes of your time?"
Feeling rather special Gil answered with, "Why of course. What can I do for you?"
Carson beamed and thrust the vial towards him, "I was wondering if you'd like to try this new mouth wash product." He said, "Guaranteed to leave you with fresh breath that'll have the lasses all over ya!"
Gil's eyes light up, "Lasses? Really? As in hot wraith chicks?!"
"Perhaps even a wraith queen," said Teyla.
"OHH! OHH!! Gimme!!" Gil said grabbing the vial from Carson and chugging it. "Mm-mm, that's good stuff."
"Yes, well, there have been certain side effects know to manifest themselves shortly after use."
Gil gulped nervously, "Side effects? Such as?"
"Nothing serious I assure you," soothed Teyla. "It merely has a tendency to turn wraith into humans, which makes them so much easier to kill."
"Oh," Gil breathed a sigh of relief. "Is that all? WAIT A MINUTE!!! SAY WHAT!?!" He looked down at himself and sure enough he was human. He looked back at the two humans to see Beckett smiling like the cat that got the canary (where did he pick up that verbal expression?) and Teyla twirling a pair of sticks with a smirk on her lips.
Not good though Gil.
Well let's just say it wasn't a very pleasant last experience for poor Ole' Gil.
Now the moral of this story was… ummm… it's uhhh… you know what? Forget it.
FIN
Okay so not exactly correct or anything, especially with the retro-virus. So sue me. Actually don't. It'd be a waste of time. How 'bout leaving me a review and the number of a good psychiatrist instead?