Leon Kennedy's Fight With the Zombies, Starring Jacko the Whacko
And no, I don't own Resident Evil. If I did, all the blood would be converted to rainbows and flowers and stuff. For comical purposes, only.
It was a dark, cold night, and my underwear was riding up my butt. I took my post at the gate of the "Oh Em Eff Jee" village. I heard many shouts and all that jazz coming from inside the large rotting gates. It smelled worse than it sounded. Well, it would've, but my nose was clogged. I silently cursed my allergies as I honked a lugey out my left nostril. Checking my gun, I pondered what was on the other side of the gate, the inside of the Oh Em Eff Jee village. Before I could stop it, my hand leapt out and pushed the gate open.
"Boo."
"Holy bomberjads, Batman!" I screamed as I reached for my weapon. But I couldn't, because it wasn't a weapon anymore. It was a banana.
"What on earth!"
"Rar."
Finally coming to my senses, I turned and ran away like a sissy schoolgirl. I sprinted to the Guard Outpost to call for help, but when I got there, everyone got mad at me for letting the zombies loose so they told me to
"Get your scrawny butt back there or I'd have more to worry about than zombies! And you're letting in all the cold air."
As I trekked back to the gate, I saw swarms of zombies hobbling away from the village, right towards me! I loaded my banana and hid behind a tree, waiting for the braindead banditos to approach. As the mob of maniacal murderers came closer, I heard the vague beat of a song, and some singing.
"That this is Thriller! Thriller night…"
Holy crap, the king of pop was headed right towards me. I could never mistake that creepy red jumpsuit thing, and the dancing living dead. I now knew how I would attack him. When I can hear his girly voice singing right next to me, I will unleash my ultimate attack.
"Okay zombies, split up and find that dashing blonde man in the green shirt who I'd like to have a sleepover wi- OMG THERE HE IS!"
Thrusting my hand into his face, I grabbed onto his nose and pulled as hard as I could. It didn't take much effort, and soon I had it in my hand.
"I got your nose, Michael Jackson!" I taunted.
"C'mon, give it back! Pleeeeeeease..?"
Like a tiger, I leapt into the woods, running like a madman, until I realized I wasn't wearing anything. And it was 26 degrees out. How on earth did this happen! Then I remembered. I had been at a party last night, and I had gotten kinda drunk, and then we had strip poker, and I lost, and then I had to go to work, and then I forgot my clothes, and I've just now sobered up. Brr, it's chilly. And then I remembered I was holding onto a rotten nose.
"Eww," I muttered as I threw away the facial cavity and ran towards the church that miraculously appeared when I need it the most. Kicking open the door, I found a bright orange neon camouflage jumpsuit, and a pistol. Equipping myself with both, I went outside and saw that I was surrounded. Jackson was only a yard away, I could smell his nasty breath. He reached his rotten hand towards me, wrapped it around my neck and yelled
"TAG YOU'RE IT HAHAHA," but he didn't stand a chance when I stuck my pistol in his face and fired a round into it, right into where his nose should be. He screamed as blood gushed down his face and cursed at me, saying
"You're just pure dag nasty evil! Don't expect invitations to any of MY slumber parties, Mister Poopoo Head!"
With that being said, the zombies lifted up their arms and began groaning and hobbling towards me again. But, surprisingly enough, they were all braindead, like I said earlier, so they all hobbled the wrong way towards MJ and ripped him apart and ate him. Then, a rhythmic thumping noise emanated from north of the church, and all the zombies began muttering something.
"El Estupido, guh."
"El Estupido, gragh"
"El stupid-uhhhhhhhhh."
Then, I heard it. A squealing, rippling fart echoed through the woods, the pressure knocking over trees, ripping zombies in half, and 'sploded everyone's heads through their nasal openings. Little did I know that the allergies I complained of earlier would save my life at this point. The clogs in my nose prevented the smell from 'sploding my head. The orange jumpsuit repelled the pressure of the intestinal dysfunction. But now, I was faced with the biggest challenge of my life. El Estupido…
Shooting my pistol at him did nothing, even helped him when he would eat the nutritious lead I constantly pumped at him. He swiped his arms at me very frequently, and only by dodging and jumping could I make it through their ferocious path. He began stomping his feet at me, and the ground would rumble and shake and through me about. Then, I saw it.
I looked at his foot when it came towards my face. There was an eye lodged in it! But sadly, I looked at the foot a moment longer then I should have. As I tried to evade the incoming blow, it clipped my foot and sent me spinning towards the church, bodily smashing into the stained glass window. I felt my legs and ribs break when I slammed into one of those uncomfortable wooden benches. My right leg was twisted backwards and my left one was left dangling by a few inches of skin. My whole body was gushing an ample amount of blood as El Estupido crashed through the wall of the church.
"Har har har, Leon. Your butt is mine!" It stupidly exclaimed as I remembered the pistol in my pocket. He lifted up his big, stupid foot and hung it above my body, savoring my phony fear. I grinned weakly as he slowly began lowering it, trying to make me pee myself or something. I flipped him the bird as I shot 4 rounds into his naked eye. He screamed loudly as the eye profusely bled onto the chapel floor. He stumbled around the church a few moments before releasing a defeated howl and crashing to the ground.
Here's a lesson for you kiddies, never work at night at a gate in some God forsaken place in the middle of nowhere. Also, always carry a gun.
Fin