Disclaimer:

Duckie: Howdy Doody!

*Noodlez stares at Duckie in a weird way*

Noodlez: Howdy Doody'?

Duckie: *blush* YesI really have no idea where that came from

Noodlez: That's what my parents say about me!

*Duckie blinks confusedly while Noodlez counts how many people are reading the fic*

Noodlez: One, two, seven

*Duckie smacks herself in the forehead*

Duckie: Did anyone ever tell you you're a dimwit?

Noodlez: *nods* Yes, many times. *looks at the readers* Did anyone tell you that we don't own Harry Potter? *waits expectantly for answer* No? Well, THAT'S BECAUSE WE DO! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!

Duckie: NO NO NO! NOODLEZ, ARE YOU TRYING TO GET US ARRESTED?! WE CAN'T CLAIM HARRY!

Noodlez: Fine, finebut I do own--

Duckie: --A nice little pass to get you into that pretty building, see that over there? *hands Noodlez piece of paper, shoves her in direction of nearby asylum*

*Noodlez giggles and runs towards the building*

Duckie: *phew!* Well, in case we didn't make it obvious enough, we don't own Harry Potter or any characters affiliated with it. We just like to mess with them! So read on, and enjoy the fic!

Hey everyone out there! Here's a recap for ya: when we last left ya, Duckie (thaaaaaats me!) had been kidnapped by 2 mysterious men with their faces covered and Noodlez was going to save her (God help me!). All right-y then, now that you're all caught up, let the games begin.....or the story, whichever fun phrase you prefer!



Harry Potter and the Return of the Fan Girls


Chapter One: Soupy Pillows and Turban Wearing Dudettes

[scene: you're probably thinking "omg, not this AGAIN!!" well too bad if you are 'cause this is fun! Now, Duckie is on top of a very tall building and is asleep. She wakes up and tries to remember where she is. And that's where our story starts....]

(A/n: Once again, anything that starts with scene:' is written by Duckie, after Duckie comes Bond's addition (a new author to our fics! we all have her to thank for our being posted! love ya, Bond!), and then comes Noodlez's part. The order repeats itself like that, just in case you'd like to know! ^.~)

Duckie sat up, yawned, blinked a few times, and looked around. She couldn't see anything but sky because she was so high up in the air, on top of a building. Then she remembered the 2 weird men that she had been kidnapped by.

"Well, this is dandy," she muttered to herself. "How am I going to get myself out of this one? Those huge ogre-like men took my wand!"

Duckie stood up and paced around a bit, trying to think of what to do. She had sent Noodlez the letter days ago and still she had not come to the rescue. She had rescued Noodlez at least a zillion times a few months ago when they had gone to Hogwarts, why couldn't Noodlez save her now? Duckie sat down on the ground again and shook her head. If she could help it, Duckie tried not to think about her adventures at Hogwarts too much. They made her sad, remembering how she and her blond, slightly insane friend, Noodlez, had escaped many dangers (such as Azkaban, the giant squid, and detention with Snape--all Noodlez's fault to begin with) and met up with Harry, Ron, and Hermione at the School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. She especially missed Ron...but that was another story. Suddenly a loud thud, thud, thud brought her back to her senses. And, from a concealed trapdoor in the floor of the roof she was currently trapped on, her 2 kidnappers came up and handed her some food.

"I thought I told you I wanted freakin' pancakes!" Duckie yelled, though not as loudly as she usually did.

Pancakes made her think of Noodlez and her escape from Azkaban, and Ron eating his shirt sleeve because he was so hungry. Therefore, she wasn't in the mood to much else then sit around and mope (most unlike herself if I may say so).

"Well, too bad!" said one of her kidnappers in a stupid voice. "Just...drink your soup! And if you're good, maybe we'll let you have a cracker!"

"Or a piece of chocolate cake!" said the other and in the same stupid tone.

His partner in crime slapped him upside the head. "You idiot!" he said. "We're supposed to be TORTURING her! Since when is chocolate cake torture?"

"Well, I find it often gives me a rash just above my-"

"Wait a minute!" said Duckie suddenly. "I know who you two are!"

"Oh?" asked the second, head-slapping one. "And how would you know that?"

"Because you and your friend Goyle aren't wearing your masks, Crabbe," answered a voice from behind Duckie.

Duckie turned around and saw a girl who was wearing a turban over her blond hair, jeans, and a sweat shirt. Duckie had never seen this girl before, and she just couldn't get over the turban and blond hair. They reminded her of the two things she was trying not to think about: Hogwarts and Noodlez. In order to stop these thoughts, she laid down and used her bowl of soup as a pillow, and sighed deeply with a frown on her face, humming and growing depressed again.

"You other idiot!" said Goyle. "You forgot the masks! Now Master Malfoy will have our heads in a pool of tomato pies!"

"Well, I don't think it'll come to that," said the turban girl.

"Oh yeah? And what makes you say that?" asked Crabbe, pretending to be cool, smart, and that he had a date to the Yule Ball.

"Because he's dead, and a ghost, and transparent," said the turban girl. "Therefore he can't push you in a pool of tomato pies."

"Who said anything about pushing?" said Goyle. "He can use his MIND POWERS, spelled in all capitals, on us!"

"Oh, MIND POWERS, spelled in all capitals, eh?" said the turban girl again. "Well, how does he use these MIND POWERS, spelled in all capitals?"

"He says," explained Crabbe, " 'Now I'll use my MIND POWERS, spelled in all capitals, on you!' and tells us what to do. And we do it! Because of the MIND POWERS--"

"Spelled in all capitals?" completed the turban girl.

"Yes! Exactly!" said Goyle.

The girl with the blonde hair, turban, jeans, and sweat shirt clapped a hand to her forehead and shook her turban-ish head.

"You losers!" she said. "Malfoy wasn't controlling you with MIND POWERS, spelled in all capitals! He just figured you were so incredibly dense that you'd believe he put MIND POWERS, spelled in all capitals, on you if he said he did! Is that the only reason you're attacking Duckie here and won't give her any pancakes or a pillow so she doesn't have to lie in the soup?"

"How did you know my name?" asked Duckie, still depressed.

Everyone ignored her though and continued their conversations, or in Goyle's case, throwing bits of his pocket lint off the side of the building and shouting things after the lint like, "I'll miss you Harvey! Toodle-loo Alfonso! Fare-the-well, Miss Froo Froo Sue!"

"Hey, an idea just occurred to me!" said Crabbe. The turban girl whipped out a notebook and quill and began jotting down these words:

"Dear Diary, Today Crabbe had an idea......"

"What a minute," said Goyle. "I forgot it. Me and Crabbe share a brain you know. Today was his day to have it. Even though it was SUPPOSED to be MY DAY!"

"Spelled in all capitals?" helped the turban girl.

"Most indubidably," said Goyle, pretending that he was smart, knew what the words "most indubidably" meant (I don't even know, so there's no way Goyle could possibly know), and that he had a date to the Yule Ball. (The boys were in therapy, see, to learn how to cope with rejection. They're in the "pretending" stage at present.)

"Anyway, my idea!" said Crabbe. "Lets go eat some pancakes! And then we can clobber Malfoy for using his MIND POWERS-"

"Spelled in all capitals?" helped Duckie, feeling a little less depressed now that she might be freed.

"I'm the one WITH the brain in my head today, remember?" said Crabbe irritably.

"Sorry," apologized the Duck.

"But Crabbe!" shouted Goyle, abandoning his lint-murder for a minute. "We're on the three-hundred and seventy-seventh floor! How will we get down to the ground so we can eat pancakes and clobber Malfoy?"

"Aren't you lucky I have the brain today, Goyle?" said Crabbe. "I know exactly how to solve our problem. You see, we'll tie these rocks to our feet, and jump off the side of the building! That way, we'll land on the ground and gravity will surely be enforced!"

"Wow, you sure are smart, Crabbe," said Goyle, his voice full of admiration. "I'd have never thought of that!"

"Now it might be smart to check with someone whose had a brain in their head for more then 24 hours at a time," said Crabbe, pretending to be smart, that he had a nice pair of green underwear, and that he had a date to the Yule Ball (see how nicely that therapy is going?). "You there! Turban dudette! Is this a smart idea?"

"You're the brains of the operation!" replied the turban girl.

"Right then! Lets go Goyle!" said Crabbe.

And the two little therapy patients jumped up on the side of the building, sung a few Broadway songs, and pretended they both had dates to the Yule Ball. Then they jumped.

"Bye!" shouted Duckie.

"WE FORGOT THE ROCKS!!!!!!" shouted Crabbe as his voice faded out.

"SPELLED IN ALL CAPITALS!!!!!" shouted Goyle in the same fashion.

"Well, don't just sit there, Duckie!" said the girl with the turban on her head. "We have to go and save Hogwarts! And find Noodlez, I think she got lost...."

"Why, what's happened at Hogwarts and to Noodlez? What's your name and why do have a turban on your head?" asked Duckie getting to her feet.

"Today is Pretend to be Quirrel Day on my 'Have an Evil Dress Day for 365 Days calendar!" said the turban girl. "And my name is............."

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