Monsters Under the Bed
Summary: Sidney said the nightmares will go away with time. Before they do, Hawke has to visit some other places and fears first
Disclaimer: I don't own anything except the Mash seasons that are now strewn around my house
"Good night Hawk," BJ said, settling into his army-issue cot and tucking his arms to his chest in a semi-comfortable position.
"'Night Beej," Hawkeye muttered, already half asleep. It had been just over a week since Sidney left and Hawk thought he'd finally been able to get some good night's sleep. Although, according to BJ, he still tossed and turned for hours every night. "But there's no nightmares and I'm not leaving the bed," Hawkeye had said proudly.
"If you two would kindly keep it down!" Frank said angrily from his cot at the other end before slamming his face back into his pillow.
It was only a half hour later when Hawk was thrown back to Crabapple Cove, on a cool night in mid-spring. He's running past old Man Carson's house, as if he's being chased by something. He looks behind him as he continues running down the street. A dog barks from somewhere at his left. His legs scream at him to stop, but he keeps going towards the woods in front of him.
"Hawkeye, come on!" someone yells up ahead of him. He smiles and pushes harder. He has to get to that voice. "Come on, Hawk, you're so slow!" The voice is smiling, he can tell, and he wants to know what's so funny, too. He throws his legs to the final stretch and makes it to the woods. He nearly hits a tree in the dark and hears his friend laughing at him.
"You're so clumsy, Peirce," he says laughingly. Hawkeye looks up into the face of Andy Cartwright, a boy he hasn't seen since he was a teenager. "Come on, Hawk, I betchya I can climb this tree higher than you," he dares before starting to climb said tree. Hawkeye smiles and climbs up after.
They make it almost to the top when Andy stops. Hawkeye, who is just ahead of him on the climb, stops too and looks back. "Andy?" he says almost mockingly. "You give up?"
Andy smiles up at him. "No way, I'll win," he says determined and pulls himself onto the next branch. All in a second, Hawkeye hears a loud crack. His head whips around to see Andy falling thirty feet to the ground. Splat. Hawkeye yells his friend's name over and over again, but it falls to deaf ears.
He was still screaming when BJ shook him awake. "Hawkeye! Hawkeye, quiet, it's okay, you're okay. Hawk!" BJ smacked Hawkeye's cheek and his screams silenced themselves at once. The sudden quiet was eerie. "Hawk?" BJ repeated quietly.
"It happened again. Andy...Andy Cartwright, he was my partner in science class. He—we always tried to one-up each other during class. He-he—"aawk,H
"Hawkeye, calm down, take a breath. Andy's fine, probably at home with his wife and—"
"No, he's dead Beej."
"Hawkeye, it was just a bad dream. Andy is not dead," BJ insisted.
"Yes, yes he is. He's been dead for ten years. He-he got into a car accident in college. Drunk driver. I don't...why would I dream about him of all people? We were never even friends, not really. Just...competitors in class."
"You're over-tired. You think too much. Have a drink, forget about everything for a few hours, then we'll star in another nightmare later today," BJ said, reaching back for a martini glass. He filled it to the top and handed it to Hawkeye, who accepted the glass gratefully. "We can't always explain our dreams, Hawk, they just happen sometimes."
"I'm never gonna be able to sleep until I get home, if that. Augh!" Hawkeye yelled angrily, throwing his empty hand to his forehead. BJ put a hand on Hawkeye's shoulder encouragingly, but Hawk didn't seem to realize it was there. He heaved a heavy sigh and said, sounding very much like a scared little boy, "What's wrong with me, Beej?"
BJ squeezed Hawkeye's shoulder and said, "You're scared. We're all scared, there's nothing to worry about, nothing wrong with it."
"Yeah, but no one else is seeing kids from back home dying."
"Do you want me to stay up with you for a while?"
"No, I couldn't do that. You need your beauty sleep," BJ laughed good-naturedly. "You go to sleep, Beej, I'm gonna write a letter to my dad. Maybe he can give me some advice in seven months." The younger doctor gave him a grim smile and got back to his own cot. He stayed awake, though, watching as Hawkeye maneuvered around his cot to get some paper and a pencil to writer his dad and listening to Frank snore away across from him.
"You'll be okay, Hawk. Don't worry about these nightmares. You're fine," BJ whispered to himself. He knew Hawk couldn't hear him over his own thoughts and Frank's snores, but it didn't matter anyway. Things like that were better left unsaid; they had more meaning that way.
Ten days later and there was still no change in Hawkeye's sleeping patterns. He woke up screaming almost every night, and when he wasn't screaming, he'd spring up in his sleep, drenched in a cold sweat and unable to breathe. Sometimes, he'd remember his dreams, but mostly he'd only know that he was scared out of his mind and it was as if he was five years old again, waking up to the fear that there were monsters hiding under his bedAwkeye couldn't hear it over his own thoughts and Frank's snores. But it didn't matter, things like that were better left unsaid anyways. They had more meaning that wa and screaming for his mommy.
After a particularly frightening night, one where he didn't even know what he had been dreaming about, which made it that much scarier, he wiped the sweat from his brow and looked around. Frank was snoring away and BJ looked to be sleeping; his back to Hawkeye and his breathing even and deep. So he didn't wake either of them up this time, good, that was good, he thought.
He laid back, the army pillow feeling like a bag of rocks under his head. He looked around the tent, then closed his eyes. He felt so afraid, he thought he might cry. He couldn't understand what was happening in his own head. "Mom," he said completely miserable, "I'm so scared. What's going on, Mom? Why can't I get rid of these nightmares?" He rolled onto one side and curled into a ball, muttering nonsense to his mom. He could only hope he didn't dream of her next, he wouldn't be able to handle that.
No, tonight it wasn't his mother's turn to enter his dreams. Nor was it his father, but it may as well have been family. He's not even in Crabapple Cove anymore. He's at a train station he can only vaguely recognize. He looks around at all the people walking or, like him, sitting on benches. He looks down, but sees that he has no bags with him. What's he doing here, then?
Suddenly, a train whirs up in front of the platform, blowing Hawkeye's hair. He stands in hopes of seeing someone, a long lost friend maybe? He looks around everywhere for a familiar face, but finds none. Everyone is off in their own little world, not seeming to care about anything going on around them. They didn't have anything to care about.
"Hawkeye! Hawkeye Pierce, you son of a gun, is that you?" Hawk spins himself around, looking for the owner of that voice. He sees a blond head bobbing happily among the crowd, elbowing his way to where Hawkeye is standing. A grin is quickly taking hold over his face. He remembers this day now. World War II had just been declared officially over and his is going to meet Tommy to celebrate in Boston.
"Tommy!" he yells, excitement everywhere in his voice. His long-time best friend nearly bowls him over and into the wall in a bone-crushing hug. Hawk claps his hand on the back of Tommy's head and says, "I missed you, Tom."
"Me too, Hawk," Tommy says and he can tell the blond writer is smiling. Tommy, a man of absolutely no shame, gives Hawkeye a kiss on the cheek and a hard pat on the back. "Let's go," he says, shouldering his bags and pulling Hawkeye out of the station with child-like excitement.
Tommy somehow knows which car is Hawkeye's and pulls the two men right to the old pickup. He's all smiles as he throws his bags into the back and climbs in the front seat beside the med student. He fiddles with the radio as if it's not Hawk's car but his own, then leans back, content. "So what you been up to lately, Hawk?" he says.
"Now when you ask that, do you want to know about my med school, or who I've been up to, who in this case would be Carlye?" Hawkeye jokes as he drives away from the Boston station.
Tommy laughs and says, "Carlye, that's a new one, do tell." Hawkeye laughs along with him and tells all about this new girl he can't stop thinking about. Tommy is smiling and says, "Can't wait to meet her. Seriously though, Hawk, it's been too long. Four months is too much time away from my best buddy." He claps the driver's shoulder.
The two of them are laughing and joking, having a grand time just driving around the back roads of Boston. The war is over and they don't have anyone telling them what they have to do.
It all happens in a split second. One second, Tommy is laughing and telling Hawkeye of a girl he met at a diner and the next he's yelling fearfully, "Hawk, look out!" A blinding light hit Hawkeye and he's gone. So is his truck. He's floating nowhere and he tries to scream, but no sound comes out. He looks for Tommy, but can't see him anywhere.
Then, the scene changes. They're in a dead field; it looks almost as if they're in Korea. There's smoke everywhere and people screaming, but Hawk's mouth still isn't working. He looks for Tommy when another shell explodes behind him. He covers his ears and hits the dirt. There's nowhere to go for some real cover, so he is forced to crawl to the side of the road. Then, he hears a gunshot and a groan from his right. He knows, somehow just knows, that it's Tommy. He doesn't want to look, he can't look, but his head turns on its own accord. And there he is. Sweet, funny, smart Tommy Gillis, laying on his front, looking right at Hawkeye, his eyes almost dead already.
"Tommy," Hawkeye whimpers, reaching out to touch his friend. "Stay with me," he says, gritting his teeth, knowing there's nothing he can do. He knew that back when he was operating, but it wads Tommy god dammit! Tommy couldn't just leave him like that! Who was going to yell at him when his girlfriend left him for stupid reasons and who was going to tell him that he has too much to live for than little Crabapple Cove? Who was gonna be there to push him along if it wasn't Tommy?
"Tommy, Tommy, please hold on," he cries, watching the life drain from the boy's body. This was never fair and now they're taking Tommy from him. No, they couldn't have him, not yet, not now.
"Tommy!" Hawkeye screamed as he shot himself clean out of his cot. "No, Tommy! Tommy, please...come back."
"Hawkeye!" BJ yelled over Hawk's own yelling, trying to pull him back to the real world. But this one was much harder than usual. "Hawk—"
"Leave him," a voice said from the door as BJ tried to rouse a now sobbing Hawkeye. There was Klinger, standing in the doorway in his pink slippers and blue rove, rubbing at his eye. BJ threw him a questioning look. "I remember that day. He's thinking about Tommy Gillis, his best friend growing up. Let him be a minute." Klinger stood there, watching sadly as Hawkeye, still asleep, curled himself into a ball, tears streaming freely down his face. "You weren't here yet," Klinger continued, sitting next to BJ on Hawkeye's cot while BJ tried to calm the sobbing surgeon with a steady hand. "Him and Trapper and Henry...they met him here when he was visiting. Then he shows up again a little later and...gone."
Hawkeye jerked awake, his eyes wide with fear. He put his hand on his chest, wanting desperately for his heart to slow. He wiped the tears from his eyes and looked up at BJ and Klinger. The latter looked at him with understanding eyes while BJ gave him a sad smile.
"You'll be okay, Captain," Klinger said before chancing a glance at Frank's bed. He was still asleep. "I better go."
BJ watched Klinger leave and then asked, "You worked on Tommy here?"
Hawkeye looked at him but nodded, not feeling the need to ask how he knew that. "I had to. I couldn't let him—I had to." He looked past BJ's shoulder, staring off into complete nothingness. BJ knew he was thinking back to that day in OR. "That was the first time I ever cried here. He just—oh God, Tommy," Hawk whispered before the tears came again. He sobbed his dead friend's name over and over again, not caring a bit that he was practically bawling his eyes out in front of BJ. But Beej, ever the gentleman, took Hawkeye's shoulders and pulled him close.
"Shh, Hawkeye, it's okay, shh," he said, rubbing soothing circles on the distraught man's back. "Just let it out Hawk, it's okay." BJ's shirt was quickly getting wet with salty tears.
"I let him die. I couldn't save him. I watched him die...right there in front of me. Oh God, Tommy...Tommy." He sniffed wetly, shaking his head. "Why did he have to die, Beej, why?"
People all thought at the 4077th that Radar was really the only innocence left in this cruel war. But seeing this, BJ had to disagree with that and say that Hawkeye, no matter how well he could hide it, was still very much a little boy. BJ rested his cheek on Hawk's sweaty hair and said sadly, "I don't know, Hawk. I really don't know."
The two of them stayed like that for a long time, Hawkeye's sobs finally subsiding and pushing him into a light, uneasy sleep. BJ laid him down on the cot and tucked him in under his ratty blanket. "G'night Hawk," he whispered just before getting into his own bed.
First Andy, then Tommy, then thinking he saw Henry walking around the compound, then an unnamed private he must have worked on at some point. Hawkeye was sure he'd only dream about dead friends now, but then his subconscious threw him another curve.
When he saw Henry, he had been out of OR for maybe ten minutes and hoping for a quick nap before he had post op duty. Then, while yawning his way to the Swamp, he caught a glimpse of a fishing hat and vest. He shook his head, thinking he was going crazy, but there he was, plain as day. Completely forgetting about his tiredness, he ran after the figure, trying to see for himself who it truly was. Hope made him disregard the fact that Henry has been gone for months.
The figure was walking towards Colonel Potter's office. There was a bounce in his step and his ears stuck out the exact same way Henry's did. He turned a corner and was out of sight. Hawkeye sped up so as not to lose him, but when he turned the same corner, the figure was gone and he ran right into Radar.
"Oh, I'm sorry sir!" Radar said, bending to pick up the papers he'd dropped and straighten his glasses.
"Radar, did you just see Henry?" Hawkeye asked, still adamant that that's who it was.
"Henry, sir?"
"Yeah, Henry, Henry Blake, I just saw him walk around the corner, you had to've just seen him."
A frown covered Radar's face, half confusion and half sadness. "Hawkeye, sir, Colonel Blake's d—gone. And no one came around the corner."
"Yes he did, I just saw him," Hawkeye protested. He looked all around behind Radar and saw someone sneaking a peak in the nurses' shower. He was wearing a fishing hat and looked to be dripping wet. "There he is, right there!" Hawkeye spun Radar around to face the showers, but Henry was gone.
"Hawkeye, sir, I think you need some sleep," Radar said sadly and walked away with his files. Hawkeye scratched his head in confusion, then turned to head back to the Swamp. Standing there, with a watering can was Henry. He looked up at Hawkeye and smiled, waving. Hawkeye waved back and walked towards him. But as he got closer, Henry disappeared into thin air. He frowned in confusion, shoulders slumping. He needed sleep.
His curve ball came a few days after seeing Henry. "At least you know they're already safe. You know, maybe if you stay in your dreams longer, you'll find out why they're all dying. Your subconsious is trying to tell you something," BJ tried as he pulled the covers around him against the cold wind.
"Okay Beej, and the next time toy have dreams about Peg and Erin dying, you stay in them and see what happens," Hawkeye retorted bitterly. When BJ didn't answer, he laid himself down and sighed. He just wanted these nightmares, and now hallucinations, over with.
If the nightmare about Tommy last week was bad, this one tonight, Hawkeye felt, was much, much worse. He wakes up in the Swamp and thinks he's actually made it through the night with no problems. He smiles widely to himself thinking his nightmares are over now.
"What are you so happy about, Pierce," Frank all but spits from his lump-like state across the tent.
"Oh nothing, Frank, no reason at all," Hawkeye says, all smiles for what is probably the first time all year.
"Why must you two always wake me up like this? My Lord, you're worse than the choppers," a voice from the spare bed says exasperatedly. Hawkeye looks over and sees Spearchucker Jones laying there, his hair a mess and his mouth twisted in an angry frown.
"Don't you know, Spearchucker? They need to be heard over the choppers, it makes them feel important," another voice, had Hawkeye been fully conscience at the time, he thought he'd never hear again. He looks over and there he is in all his curly-haired glory, Trapper John McIntyre.
"Degenerates," Franks mutters angrily to the air.
"The ferret speaks!" Hawkeye says as if he's made a great discovery. He gets up and pulls on his pants at the same time as Trapper. The air is humid and hazy, but it feels cold outside of the Swamp.
The two men leave Frank and Spearchucker to sleep in the Swamp and they head towards the Mess. Someone's throw of the football goes array and they yell, "Heads up!" Hawkeye turns and catches it firmly to his chest, knocking the wind from him slightly.
"Good thing your mouth wasn't open or you woulda swallowed that thing," Trap jokes, giving him a light punch on the shoulder. Hawk throws a punch back, but Trap is already running backwards across the compound, waiting for a pass. Hawk smiles affectionately at him, then throws the ball. He's rusty though and the pass is off. Trapper jumps for it, but even his tall frame cannot reach it in time and it sails over his head.
"Very smooth," he yells and goes running. He comes back a few minutes later and yells, "Where is it?" Confused, Hawkeye walks to where Trapper is standing and looks around. He swears the ball landed right here in front of them, but it's nowhere to be found.
Then, Hawk spots it yards ahead of where they're looking. "There it is," he says pointing. He goes running towards it, with Trap right behind him, trying to get there first. He grabs the back of Hawk's jacket and yanks it towards himself. Hawkeye stumbles and Trapper tackles him to the ground. "Hey!" Hawk yells indignantly, trying to roll off his arm, which is twisted painfully behind his back.
Trap tightens his knees around Hawk's hips and pins his other arm to the ground. "Nope, sorry little lady, but you ain't allowed to have that there ball, its mine," he says in a horrible attempt at a southern drawl. Hawk tries to kick him, but Trap is sitting on his knees and preventing it. "Nope," he says mockingly, "not happening."
"Fine," Hawk says smiling and twists his hips. Trapper, surprised, gets knocked over and onto his own back. Then Hawkeye starts running again. But Trapper is quick, quicker than some may think. He throws his arm out, nearly dislocating his shoulder in the process, and grabs Hawk's ankle. Hawkeye is on the ground again. "You're an ass!" he yells.
"Yes, well..." Trap says noncommittally. He's up and running again and Hawk isn't fast enough. Trap has the football and is wearing a triumphant smirk. Hawkeye, although dejected, stands and claps his hands to signal a pass. Trapper obliges and throws it back. His throw forces Hawkeye to run a bit, then glare back at his best friend. Trapper just laughs at him and Hawkeye realizes, somehow subconsciously, how much he's missed that laugh since he got discharged and BJ replaced him.
Suddenly, Hawkeye looks at Trap and sees the man growing lighter, almost as if he's fading away, right before his eyes. "Trap?" he asks quickly, not sure what to do. Every time he takes a step closer, Trapper moves farther away.
"You weren't there," Trap says and his voice is hard, angry almost, not like the Trapper Hawkeye remembers. "You weren't there," he repeats. Then, he shakes his head and walks right towards the minefield. Hawk had been so preoccupied with the football he hadn't realized where they were. "Well, now you're here," Trap says, a wry smile gracing his features.
"Trap, wait!" Hawkeye yells nervously. But it seems Trapper can't hear him and just keeps walking. Hawk runs after him, but he can't get close enough. Just as he thinks he can reach the man, a mine explodes and Trapper is gone. "TRAPPER!" he screams in anguish and disbelief. He falls to his knees in front of the smoke, eyes wide and jaw slack. This couldn't be happening, no, it wasn't. "Trapper," he whispers, not believing what he had just seen. Trapper wouldn't do that, never, not in front of Hawkeye, not with his eyes telling Hawk that he blamed him for all of it.
"Pierce," a ghostly voice makes him turn. There's Henry in the suit Trapper and Hawkeye bought him and his fishing hat. He looks solid, but he ha a strange glow surrounding him that makes this seem all so unreal. "Pierce," he repeats, "he's gone."
"No," Hawk whispers, refusing to look at the place Trap had just stepped or at Henry. "No, it's not fair, it shouldn't have been him...or you. You weren't supposed to die. You both had families, kids and he...he was—no, not Trapper, you can't have Trapper, anyone but him!"
"Pierce, life is never fair, that's why you're here."
"I don't care! Trapper's not dead, he can't be, you can't have him!" Hawkeye yells and shakes his head. He somehow knows he's dreaming now, but he can't wake up.
"Would you rather it was you?" Henry asks, voice completely devoid of emotion and all things Henry. Hawkeye looks at him a moment, wondering how to answer that. Of course he didn't want to be dead, but he didn't want his friends dead, either. Especially Henry and Trapper, who had families to think about. Henry repeats the question in the same emotionless tone.
Hawkeye looks at him a minute longer and says, "If my friends can still be alive and see their wives and children again, then yes, I'd rather it be me." Henry smiles, but it's a grim, almost evil smile that the real Henry would never wear.
"Alright Pierce, if that's what you want," he says. Henry, slow, loveable, indecisive Henry Blake, suddenly pulls a pistol out of what seems like thin air. He points it at Hawkeye and pulls the trigger.
A loud BANG woke Hawkeye up and he's sprung out of bed, sweating and short of breath. Without thinking, he jumped to the floor and ran out the door. He had to find Radar.
He shook the clerk as hard as he could and said, "Radar, wake up, Radar, come on, this is important."
"Huh, wh-what?" the boy said, not even remotely awake.
"Radar, I gotta use the phone, you need to call Boston for me."
"Who died?" Radar slurred as he scratched the sleep from his eyes and became bodily dragged by Hawkeye to the phone.
"Trapper."
"Trapper? Trapper John?" Radar asked as he started to wake up.
"Yes, now place the call, come on, Radar, it's Trapper, I gotta know!" Hawkeye had Radar by the shoulders and was shaking him so his glasses slid down his nose.
"Okay, sir, okay, I'll call, hold your horses." Radar got to the phone and got a very annoyed Sparky on the line. "Yeah, sorry Sparky, but I'm trying to make a call to Boston, it's urgent...He's getting Tokyo, sir," Radar informed a nervously pacing Hawkeye. "Yes, yes, hello? Yeah, can you get me Honolulu, San Francisco, Chicago? I'm trying to Boston. Yes," Radar tapped his fingers as he was put on hold. Hawkeye wrung his hands into knots as he waited with baited breath. As the minutes dragged on, he realized he was, again, being stupid. Radar brought him back saying, "Hawkeye, I got him, he's here."
"Oh thank God," Hawkeye relished and kissed Radar right on the mouth., He ignored the boy's disgusted grunts and picked up the phone. "Trap? Trap, that you, you there?"
He heard a laugh from the other end and could have cried, knowing that only Trapper John could laugh like that. "Yes, Hawk, it's me. Radar said something urgent's going on over there? I'm sorry, but I'm not coming back."
"No, I just...just needed to hear your voice again," Hawkeye said, feeling sheepish.
"How is everything?" Trapper said seriously.
"It's...same as before, it's hell. Maybe even more so now that...well, you know," Hawkeye said, not able to tell Trap that he's been having nightmares since he and Henry left practically, and they've only been getting worse. He didn't want to tell Trapper that he just dreamt Trap blamed him for not being there to see him off. "It's good to hear your voice again though. I've really missed you."
"Yeah, me too, Hawk, me too. And Radar and Klinger and Father and...Henry." He sighs, trying to gather strength. "Hawk, it was a mistake for me to leave without saying good bye but...they—I couldn't wait any longer."
"It's okay, Trap, I can't stay mad at you, no matter how hard I try."
"You haven't replaced me, have you?"
"Well, my new bunkie is great, but no, you're one of a kind." He heaved a sigh for courage and said, "You're not—you don't—you don't blame me for not being there, do you?"
"Blame you? Why would I blame you?"
"I don't know...I just feel like if I was there—"
"If you were there I would've never been able to leave. Seeing you standing there, waving me off and knowing you had to stay there and I was...I just wouldn't be able to do it. Did Radar give you my gift?"
Hawkeye laughs before responding, "Yeah, a kiss on the cheek, you little fink, that's all I get?"
"Cheek? I told him on the lips. Never trust a corporal to do a captain's job," Trap says in mock annoyance and Hawkeye has to smile. There's silence for a few moments before Trapper says, "The wife is yelling at me. I gotta—I miss you Hawk," he interrupts himself and sniffs dryly.
"Go entertain your wife. I gotta entertain some patients in a few hours."
"Yeah, yeah, okay. You do good back there, Hawk, and keep safe. I want you to come back in one piece so I can take you to the bumper cars after the war." Hawk can tell he's smiling.
"It's a date," he says and he's smiling, too.
Radar taps his shoulder and points to his wrist. "Trap, a little elf is telling me I have to go. Yeah, I'll be sure to. Sure. Radar says 'bye,' too. Love you, too, Trap. Bye." Neither wants to hang up, but the connection dies on them both and they put the phones down. Back in Hell, Hawkeye gets up and looks at Radar.
"You'll be okay, sir," Radar tries to comfort him and in a weird way, he does. Hawkeye smiles and gives him an affectionate, fatherly slap on the cheek. "Good night sir," Radar says, climbing back into bed with his teddy bear.
"Good night Radar." Hawkeye went back to the Swamp and settled as quietly as he could back into his cot. He slept for a few hours, but it was a great few hours, because he didn't have any more nightmares that night. He knew Trapper was fine and that was all that mattered then.s