A.N. Requested by user Bolinlover123 as part of her story, Even the Best Fall Down Sometimes, in which Bolin loses his arm. Lots of angst ensues. This is also the second chapter of the story itself, so definitely go check out the first one on her profile!
Bolin falls to the ground in a heap, barely feeling the impact as his knees hit the hard earth with bruising force. He stays like that, sucking in deep lungfuls of air, slumped forward with his weight on his arm...His only stupid-useless arm. He can't stand to look at what's left of his other arm. It's an ugly, mutilated thing and it makes him nauseous just thinking about it.
He bites back the animal growl of frustration that fights to escape him. He's been at this for hours and he thinks he might've moved a pebble once. Then again, that might've just been the wind.
A bead of sweat slides down his forehead and slips off the tip of his nose, leaving a small dark spot in the dirt where it lands. Bolin watches as the dry earth sucks it up greedily and it disappears in a matter of seconds. Like it'd never even been there at all.
Once he can breathe more easily, Bolin heaves himself off the ground to stand again. The stance he adopts is mechanical, none of the fierce determination he'd felt in the first hour evident in his movements. He's just going through the motions now, already convinced of the outcome of this next attempt.
The doctors had said his bending would be damaged - maybe permanently - by the disruption of his chi. Losing an arm did that, apparently. Not to mention the physical challenges missing an arm brought to bending.
He'd refused to believe it would happen to him. No way was he losing his arm and his bending all at once. Earthbending was as much a part of him as breathing, and the thought of losing it too...No. No, he couldn't even begin to think of a life without it. He'd stubbornly kept his thoughts away from the possibility the whole time he'd spent recovering in the hospital.
They'd taken him back to Air Temple Island where he'd spent most of his days resting in the room he and his brother shared. It was night now and everyone was asleep. Now that he'd recovered enough, he'd snuck outside to prove to himself that his bending wasn't lost and his future wasn't nearly as bleak as it felt.
Right now, he isn't sure if he's not just proving the opposite instead.
He shoves the thoughts to the back of his mind. Not now. Later. Always later.
He solidifies his stance, takes a deep breath, and bends. Or at least he tries. But just like it's happened over and over and over before, it doesn't work. He ignores that glaring fact though and just keeps moving like he is bending. A strike here, and a thrust there. He's off balance without his missing limb, but he just keeps moving. Has to keep moving or else his mind is going to go back there and he can't let it right now.
But it doesn't work because he's been trying and trying all night and he's exhausted and his bending is lost. Gonegonegone. And now that he's thinking it, he can't stop thinking it. Can't stop thinking how broken and useless he's become. Always was.
And alone in the dark like this with no one to see him, he finally let's go of his hold on the dam of emotions inside and they tear through him with an almost physical force. He's drowning in a despair that's been building and building with nowhere to go and he feels like he's choking on it.
All it takes is the first choked sob and he can't stop. The tears he'd been doing so well at holding back all this time are falling freely now and there's no sign of their stopping. He's not sure when he'd fallen but he's collapsed on the ground now, curled around himself with his good arm hugging his midsection and his body shaking with strangled sobs he's failing horribly to stifle.
He let's his thoughts go to the dark places he'd been steadfastly avoiding. He let's himself feel the seething anger at the monsters who'd done this to him. The people who made him into...this. And he lets himself wonder selfishly, why me? What had he done to deserve losing so much? He'd already been through so much. And just when it was looking up..."It's not fair..." He says weakly, the empty darkness around him silent.
The whole time he just keeps sobbing, rocking back and forth. If he wasn't a sorry, broken mess before, he most definitely is now. The only consolation he has is that at least nobody can see him looking so pathetic.
It's just as he's thinking this that he becomes aware of a hand gripping his shoulder and he suddenly hears a familiar voice saying familiar words he heard so much growing up, "Hey, Bo. It's okay. It's alright. Tell me what's wrong."
Bolin feels hot shame and embarrassment as an extra forceful sob manages to escape his lips at the words. He unconsciously angles his body to try and hide his disfigurement. Why did he have to be so pathetic? And in front of Mako of all people? He'd been trying so hard to be strong, to show Mako he wasn't his helpless little brother who needed coddling. And now this.
"Hey, come on, talk to me. Are you hurt? Is it your arm?" Mako's voice has an edge of worry mixed in the concern now.
"I just...need a second..." Bolin says between heaving sobs, struggling to pull himself together.
"Okay." Mako soothes, "Okay. Take all the time you need, then."
Mako keeps a steadying hand on his shoulder as Bolin focuses on getting his breathing back to normal. He's not sure how he's ever going to live this down, but he lets himself be comforted by Mako's presence despite himself. Mako's patient the whole time, murmuring reassurances as Bolin slowly, slowly, gathers his composure. He does his best to hide the ugly, useless stump that used to be his arm. He doesn't look up into his brother's eyes, afraid that he'll see pity in them. Or worse, disgust.
"It's okay. I'm here," Mako says, always the calm older brother, "I've got you."
It takes Bolin awhile to calm down enough to speak relatively normally, if a bit unsteadily. "I'm sorry," He murmurs.
"What in the world do you have to be sorry for?" Mako asks him, sounding like he genuinely cannot think of a reason Bolin should feel guilty.
"I'm just so pathetic and weak and you always have to take care of me," Bolin explains. How does Mako not understand?
Mako stays silent. For a moment, Bolin's worried that now that he pointed it out to him, his brother sees it and doesn't know what to say. He keeps his eyes fixed on his knees and doesn't say a word. Maybe if he doesn't move, Mako will leave him and no one will bother him for a long, long time.
"Is that what you really think?" Mako says, finally breaking the crushing silence. His voice is low and something dangerous lurks behind it.
"It's not what I think, Mako. It's the truth." Bolin says.
Suddenly, Mako has his other hand on Bolin's other shoulder and he pulls him up to face him. Bolin keeps his eyes down.
"Listen to me, Bo. You may be loud, annoying, short-sighted, and, sure, you can be a little obnoxious from time to time-"
"Not helping." Bolin interrupts
"From time to time...," Mako repeats, giving Bolin a pointed look, "But you are not pathetic. You are a lot of things, but weak doesn't even come close to making the list."
"Look at me, Mako," Bolin says, gesturing to himself with his one good arm, "I can't even-" and he hates himself for it, but his breath hitches, "I can't even bend a stinking pebble!"
"Bolin, your bending isn't you."
"And what am I without it?" Bolin shouts, suddenly frustrated, because Mako just won't seem to understand, "Just a stupid little burden to everyone around me! And now I'm missing an arm on top of that! I should just do everyone a favor and disappear for good."
"Don't you dare say that," Mako says, his voice quiet but trembling with some barely checked emotion. Hurt or anger or both, Bolin doesn't know. It makes him stop in his tracks and look up at Mako in surprise. "Not after everything we've been through together."
Bolin is stunned, because there's no pity or disgust in his brother's eyes when he meets them. Just fiery determination, hurt, and...fear. Why would Mako be afraid?
"I couldn't...I can't do it without you, Bo." Mako says, his voice raw and vulnerable and Bolin feels his own throat tighten and his jaw burn with more tears, "When you were in a coma in the hospital and the doctors said you would die from infection if we didn't remove your arm..." Mako's face takes on a haunted look, "I just couldn't imagine anything happening to you. I was so scared." Mako takes a deep breath, as if all this honesty at once is almost painful,"And when we lost mom and dad I...I would've checked out if it wasn't for you." Mako had never told him this before, and Bolin's hand suddenly reaches up to grip Mako's shoulder, "And not just because I knew I needed to take care of you. It's because you always saw how things were good and how they were going to get better when all I could think about was where our next meal would come from. Even after all these years, you never lost that. If that doesn't take strength, I don't know what does. You're the strongest person I know, Bolin. I know I never say it, but it's true. I depend on you."
"Mako..." Bolin says, "I don't know if I can be that strong right now. I don't even know how I'll ever be able to do anything like this. It's...it's hard to see how this is going to get better." He admits, voice barely above a whisper.
"Then I'll just have to have enough hope for the both of us." Mako says without having to pause to think, "We'll take it day by day." And without warning, he pulls Bolin in for a hug. Bolin stiffens in surprise at first, but then he leans into it and buries his face in Mako's night shirt. It's warm and safe and it feels like home and Bolin can't remember the last time Mako's been the one to initiate a hug, but he doesn't question it.
After a moment, Bolin works up enough courage to ask Mako a question that's been twisting his insides almost since he first woke up in the hospital. He pulls back so he can see his brother's face when he asks, "Mako...do you think...Is it ugly?"
Mako looks confused, "Is what ugly?"
"My..." And Bolin doesn't finish, just indicates his missing limb without looking at it. He's not even sure what to call it anymore. It's not an arm. Not anymore. Just a broken useless stump.
Mako's eyes widen when they take in Bolin's meaning. "No, Bo. No." He says, and reaches to touch the remains of his arm and Bolin nearly flinches away, but he catches himself. "This is a part of you. And there's nothing ugly about it."
Mako's touch is gentle and reassuring. There's none of the hesitation Bolin would've expected if Mako was put off by the stump. And it's that along with his words that convinces Bolin Mako means what he says. It might be longer before he ever really believes the words himself, but they help nonetheless.
"Thank you, Mako." Bolin says.
"Don't mention it," Mako says, then he pauses. "And Bolin? Next time. Talk to someone. We're all here for you. You don't have to do this alone."
Bolin nods, his throat tight. He would try.
And it seems fitting that there with his firebender brother, Bolin begins to feel a flicker of something a little like hope.