All Of These Stars (Will Guide Us Home)

James Tiberius Kirk was a firm believer in the stars.

The stars were the foundation to everything in life. History told stories of how the stars guided the world's greatest sailors across uncharted seas, inspiring the first expeditions of exploration. Humans then began to create planes and spacecraft's, still inspired by the dreams to reach the stars and everything they held. The stars were the inspiration that continuously pushed exploration further. Those same very stars had led to the creation of Starfleet. Thousands of planets united across the vast beyond. Technically, Starfleet states the planets are united under the Federation and the ideals it holds; but any Captain knows first-hand that these planets are joined together by pathways of stars.

As a little boy in Iowa, Kirk had often sprawled himself out alongside the green strands of grass. The night sky shimmered above him. The serenity created in those moments lent an invitation for all the thoughts in Jim's mind to come to light. More often than not, the thoughts were that of what the stars held for him. He often wondered if he was destined to a life of watching the stars above him, or one in which he was beside them? His Uncle Frank had never endorsed his fantasies. The one time Jim spoke about it, Frank had thrown it in his face that the stars did nothing but still in movement as the stars killed George Kirk. Jim knew it was an attempt to deter him. It was a good thing Jim never took any of Frank's lies to head or heart.

There was an unknown force to those orbs of energy that drew Jim in despite all risks. Jim knew the stars had led him and watched him suffer through the hell that was Tarsus IV, his brother Sam abandoning him, and his reckless teenage years where he would've gladly spent more time in a holding cell than home with his abusive Uncle and Mother. Yet, the stars led Jim to and through Starfleet, to the Narada incident in which he earned his Captaincy, to the USS Enterprise and countless adventures throughout. They watched as he survived against all odds, and as he finally listened to one man's prayers to have feet on solid ground again. They watched as Jim settled down with the rank of Admiral in a place he now called home. They treated him well - just like he knew they would.

What Jim hadn't counted on as he gazed upon them endlessly those young nights was that the ever constant presence of stars would lead him to the second constant in this life. They led him to the man who would stand by his side through everything life could throw their way.

Leonard McCoy.

"Earth to Kirk," a deep southern voice appeared on his right. "Come in Kirk." The voice was barely above a whisper in Jim's ear. Each syllable tickled the sensitive skin and drew and involuntarily smile across both of their faces.

Jim spun around in his rocking chair slowly, and just as slowly he let his hand slither up Leonard's chest. When his fingertips reached those broad shoulders they applied a small amount of pressure. It was one of the many silent pleads Jim knew how to make over body language to express how much closer he always needed them to be.

And Leonard always knew how to react. Bending closer to Jim's level, he locked in with the lips that were claimed as forever his. Familiarity washed over them both as they rejoiced in the simplicity and tenderness of the kiss. Instinctively Bones locked one of his hands gently behind Jim's neck, scratching at the graying hairs at the nape. The feeling of Leonard's touch was grounding Jim's body even if his mind was lost in the experience that was seemingly endless, and still refreshingly exhilarating even after all these years. There was no rush, no dominance, just domestic bliss. Since retiring, there was all the time in the world for this and more.

When they broke, Jim's breath seemed to rattle out of his chest. "Good evening to you too, Bones."

Leonard moved his way to sit in the chair beside Jim's. With no plans for the evening, Bones had expressed how nice it would be to have a drink together on the porch and watch the sunset. As usual, it was a brilliant idea. The sky was a masterpiece of colors. There was so much intricacy, it appeared as if hand painted by an artist.

It was almost impossible to tear your gaze from it, but Jim took only a moment. With purpose, he placed his right hand on McCoy's left and intertwined their fingers. The band on Leonard's ring finger gleamed slightly in the reflection of the setting sun. As Jim returned his gaze to the sight in front of him, he felt a sense of possession fill him.

Bones...for always and forever, completely mine.

So much had happened in their lifetimes, and yet so much had happened in just the past few weeks. The situation was nothing the stars or even Jim had a say in, the effects showing even now as Leonard's once steady hands trembled in Jim's. Never until now had Jim never felt more powerless.

Never until now had Jim never felt more powerless.

Jim had suspected the symptoms were going on for a lot longer than Bones led on. It was certainly true that doctors made the worst patients. And while the diagnosis was terrifying, it wasn't a death sentence by any means; though it was a very close call.

Coming home from grabbing breakfast for the two of them at the deli around the corner, to finding his husband unresponsive on the floor was nothing Jim ever wanted to happen again in the years he had left. The doctors explained that it was a severe seizure that had accompanied what had been ongoing symptoms of a painful degenerative disease Bones had been concealing.

At 133, and Jim trailing behind at 127, it was likely for one of them to develop something at their respectively old ages.

The doctors had reassured both of them that Bones still had many years left to live, that Jim and Bones would easily be taking on the world for another twenty to fifty years. But there was no avoiding the inevitable, even in the 23rd century. Medication would slow the progression of the disease drastically (even more so than a century or two ago) and the pain, but eventually his muscles and other voluntary functions were going to give out.

Jim lost weeks' worth of sleep over it all. Visions plagued his overactive mind replaying it all in slow motion. The more technical mind side of Jim was constantly tripping over percents and technicalities as if Spock were whispering them in his ear. And perhaps somewhat selfishly, Jim was still angry at Leonard for not telling him what had already begun. The doctors said he had to have been experiencing some symptoms for three to four months. There was also anger within Jim at the irony of it all. It was just unfair to any human to have to suffer like this, but Leonard was a man who built an entire career and life for himself based on what his hands and mind could do. Now there were no options but to continue aging and have his most important instruments stolen from him.

And even with the doctor's assurance that this was all far off in the future - and a small constant tremble was the only indication for now - Jim couldn't help but worry as Bones' hand shook within his.

A deep, grumbling sigh came from Jim's right. "I can practically hear you thinkin', Jimmy."

"It's nothing," Jim tried to assure, but even he could hear right through his blatant lie. A tense silence fell between them, and Jim couldn't help but feel responsible.

Then Bones accesses that weird power of his that only comes from their decades-long friendship, the one where he follows Jim's thought pattern as if Jim were an open novel within his lap. "Jim, please stop worrying about me-"

"Bones it's just..." Jim caught the waiver in this throat and he had to pause. His eyes could no longer meet Bones'. It took him several moments before he could resume his sentence and will his blurring vision away. "Why didn't you tell me?" But Jim couldn't hold it back any longer, the tears freely spilling as Jim's brain forced out what he really wanted to know. "Why couldn't you tell me? What did I do to make you think you couldn't trust me with this, Bones?"

Jim's hand flew to his mouth to stop a sob, and Bones disconnected their hands so that they could move to Jim's face. They wiped with precision at the tears while he began to make soothing noises in a comforting attempt. "Shhhhh...shhh, Jim please listen to me."

He kept up with the soothing noises, one of his hands rubbing Jim's back until he quieted enough to be able to listen and comprehend what Leonard so desperately wanted to tell him. He couldn't even believe Jim had been punishing himself, blaming himself for Leonard's actions. "I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want you to fuss Jim," Leonard began. "I never wanted you to think I was withholding this from you because I didn't trust you. Jesus Jim, there is no one I trust more in this world than you. I didn't want to make a fuss, I didn't want you to worry, I didn't want you to blame yourself either, but I made a mistake thinking of how you would interpret my actions."

"I know it wasn't with malicious intent, but it still hurts the same," Jim admits breathlessly. "It's been a long time since we kept secrets from one another Bones..."

Bones pulls back and grips Jim's hands tighter than ever before. A couple of his fingers spin around Jim's wedding band and he just sits with Jim for a moment. Perhaps he was gathering his thoughts or waiting out Jim's sobs so that Jim might actually catch the important words he needed to say.

"I hope in time you'll forgive me, Jim. It was selfish of me to keep it from you. I never wanted to keep it from you, and I knew I wasn't going to be able to much longer. You are too smart Jim. I knew you would figure it out and it terrified me. I was afraid of what you would think of me, and the way you might look at me with those galaxies you call eyes. Every time I looked into them I was afraid you'd piece it together and resent me for it. Resent me for the inevitable fate that has been placed upon me, resent me for the fact that I might be the first of us to go, or that I am no longer going to be the strong one that you need. No, that you deserve. I've never been able to hide things from you Jim, never wanted to. I realize now that I never should've tried. You had every right to know."

It takes a moment for the words to sink into Jim's brain. With a forced laugh, he can't help but make an attempt to lighten the mood. "Is that an apology?"

"You're darn right it is. I didn't get up in front of a judge and swear 'til' death do us part' to throw it away now without fighting for it," Bones smiles as Jim chuckles softly. He gets up from his stance in front of Jim back into his seat, not letting the contact between their hands drop at any moment. "So do you accept?"

"Always and forever, Bones."

Although it was the middle of summer, it didn't take long for the sun to set. While the two men sipped their drinks in comfortable open silence, the stars began to appear. They served as the only thing to light up the dark and Jim's face as Bones looked over at him in awe.

I still can't believe Jim is mine...all mine. Always and forever, Bones thought happily.

The man beside him was deep in thought still, even after spilling what was on his mind. But, that was the Jim Leonard knew so well. Those wheels never stopped turning. Leonard just hoped it was better thoughts than before. What Leonard wouldn't admit, was just how much time he spent analyzing his husbands face when the other man was in thought. The lines that slowly appeared with age, yet they were all prominent for the right reasons. The worry lines on his forehead from the weight of the world resting on the shoulders of the 'Fleet's youngest Captain and his prized starship and crew; to the crows feet by his eyes from the years spent laughing with his second family.

They all added up to...well, Jim. And Leonard wouldn't have it any other way.

Another thing that added up to Jim, the kid living inside Jim could never keep his trap shut for too long. With so much constantly on his mind, it would be out of character if he didn't speak up soon, almost an impossibility. After all these years, Leonard still didn't mind. Jim could ramble on about the newest revolution in warp theory and though Leonard wouldn't remember a word, he'd remember the way Jim's eyes light up in excitement for a lifetime. He'd never say it to Jim though. The kid's head and ego were already a bit too enlarged.

"Bones, I look up at the stars tonight and just think of how far I've come," Jim squeezed Bones hand in a quick pulse and closed his eyes. "How far we've come. They're showing me things."

"They? Things?"

"The stars, Bones. They're filling my mind with all the vivid memories we've created together," he explained further. "I'm thinking about us sharing a door room at the Academy and that awful boyfriend I had when I was concealing my feelings for you. I'm thinking about all the missions and shore leaves we went on; especially the ones that always ended in a good drink and those deep life talks that we sometimes remembered the next morning, and sometimes didn't. I'm thinking about the weeks after you brought me back from the dead, about the moment we said proposed to one another - Jesus, how could I ever forget about Joanna's wedding and how much of a wreck you were."

Bones crossed his arms over his chest. "You mustn't be remembering it right. I was not a wreck."

"You gave her husband such a rant that the groom almost got cold feet, and then I seem to remember you crying during the entirety of the father daughter dance," Jim barely manages to get the words out through the laugh that is shaking through his body.

Bones just rolls his eyes and switches his grip on Jim's hand. "Oh, no no no, Jim. Maybe I was a tad bit emotional, but McCoy men are never a wreck."

"Whatever helps you sleep at night, Bones. I know the truth."

Throwing an incredulous look at Jim, Leonard's voice is filled with sass as he questions, "I wonder what else you're fabricating."

"What are you suggesting, Bones?"

That I want you to tell me every memory in detail, and never stop talking while your eyes reflect the very stars you are so enamored with because I'm in love with your voice and the passion it holds when you speak about us, Leonard thinks. "Tell me our story, Jim," he begins instead, and then clears his voice to wash away any emotions that might have seeped into that last statement. "I want to see if there is anything else you might not be remembering correctly," he grunts.

Jim laughs heartedly yet again, and Bones lets his tired eyes settle closed for a moment and his ears just take in the most beautiful noise in the world, as if hearing it for the first time. In his heart, he knows that Jim can see right through any act he puts up after all these years. He also knows Jim loves to indulge him. Always has.

"Okay, old man," Jim patted his partner's knee. "Where should I begin?"

"Most stories begin at the start, Jim."

Now it is Jim's turn to roll his eyes, "Smartass. I thought I'd spare you the embarrassment of reliving the time you blew chunks all over my best pair of shoes - but if you insist..."