Sheldon Swifties LXIV: "The Universal Guide to All Things Female…"
Summary: Like my Immortal Beloved bits in my Buffyverse stories, these are fragments and short bits, some longer…Just to fiddle with ideas, possibly forming longer tales later.
Disclaimer: All is Chuck's…
Sheldon, standing in his living room…But unusually late, for him…And garbed in costume, as King Arthur…
Leonard, seated on sofa…But oddly, garbed in a medieval wizard's costume, with hat at side, Penny beside him in princess' gown, frowning at his attempts to put the hat on…
Just a bit too much…Bucko. Even if this is a fantasy…
"I'm really sorry Amy turned down your proposal, Sheldon." Leonard tried. "But I think she really felt…"
"She figured you're just freakin' over me takin' Leonard away." Penny noted.
"Yeah, what the missus said…" Leonard nodded.
"Leonard!" Sheldon, grimly. "This is all your fault!"
Music… ("How to Handle a Woman" opening…)
"You swore that you had taught me everything that I could need…
About social skills and people, from A to Z…" glare.
"But I will tell you what…You so experimentally inclined forgot…
How a genius like me rules Amy…!"
Rules? Penny eyed Leonard…
"He say I forgot to…" Leonard noted…
"And what of teaching me by letting me see your affair with this Penny…
From nervous fumbling to coitus all complete…
I should have had a whirl…Trying Wolowizard's body swapping with a girl…
To learn the way the creatures think!"
Leonard, to Penny… "Bernadette doesn't need to hear about that…"
"Seriously." Penny, drily. "Remember, he was in here for a hour one day." She patted herself.
"We said we'd never talk about that…" Leonard sighed.
"But…" Sheldon paused… "Wasn't there a night…On a summer, long gone by. We sat in the Cheesecake Factory watching Howard and Bernadette, wrangling away. And did I not say, 'Leonard…What if Howard…(Perish the horrible thought)…Were I? And did he not give counsel and say…? What was it now…?"
Uh…Leonard began…Penny holding him back… "Let him get it."
"My mind's a whorl…Oh, yeah…By Einstein…Now I recall (thanks be to my eidetic memory)…
How to handle a woman…There's a way said my empathic young friend…"
Penny beaming…Then a look to Leonard… "That's nice, right?"
"…A way known by every woman. Since this whole…Rigmarole…Began…"
Strides about…
"I begged with my friend, I pleaded…"
No…Leonard shook head to Penny's surprised, impressed…Did he really…?
"Do I flatter her, I demanded him answer…Do I threaten or cajole or plead?" (Cause I'm good at all three…You've seen how I wrapped Mama round my little finger…)
Do I brood or play my usual suave romancer…?"
Penny chortling…What?
"Said Leonard smiling…'God, no…Indeed.'" (I still don't know what he meant by that.)
"How to handle a woman…Mark me well, and I'll tell you, Shel-don. The way to handle a woman…" hmmn…Pulls note from pocket. "Sorry, I never bothered to read this through…" stares. Hmmn…
"…Is to go on Google and really, really try to learn this one sex move…"
Penny frowning…
"Love her, Sheldon…That's what I said…" Leonard, hurriedly. "Just love her!"