Disclaimer: I don't own most of the characters; SquareSoft does. I did make up some characters and places for this story based on the game, though, with the help of my sister. Those are mine.
Author's Note: Just so everyone is aware, I often take references from TV or movies, usually The Simpsons. I'm not trying to steal from either, just borrowing their bountiful humor. Sentences in colons ::like this:: means thoughts.
...And To All A Good Night!
It is Christmas Eve Day, about eight or nine in the morning. Irvine, Selphie, and Zell are all camped out on the sofa in the media room, watching cartoons and eating sugary breakfast foods.
TV ANNOUNCER: Coming up next on Channel 18's Classic Christmas Countdown, Day 2! Next, Violet's Very Voracious Christmas Adventure, followed by Rosie the Christmas Dragon and Real Lives: one young man who is spending his Christmas on the Internet.
ZELL: What does voracious mean?
SELPHIE: What?
ZELL: What does voracious mean?
IRVINE: It means stupid. Change the channel.
SELPHIE: (throws a handful of cereal at Irvine) No, it means hungry!
ZELL: (squinting at the T.V.) Huh. Sounds like a weird movie.
SELPHIE: Yeah. Hey, change it back to the Batman Christmas Movie. (jams a bunch of Frosted Flakes into her mouth.)
ZELL: You mean Batman Returns?
SELPHIE: (spraying cereal everywhere.) Yeah.
IRVINE: What's with your Batman obsession these days, anyway? All you ever want to do is watch Batman.
SELPHIE: I don't know. Maybe I have a thing for guys in rubber.
ZELL: Selphie, the movie's going to be over by now anyway.
SELPHIE: Oh.
They all stare at the TV in silence for a moment as Violet's Very Voracious Christmas Adventure comes on.
IRVINE: Can't we watch something else?
SELPHIE: Yeah, Zell. Change the channel.
ZELL: (fumbles in his pile of breakfast foods and assorted blankets and finally finds the remote, then changes the channel.) Ooh! The Christmas Demon Avenged! I love this movie!
SELPHIE: (looking warily at the TV.) I don't know...I heard it was really scary.
ZELL: No way, man! It's awesome! This is my favorite movie!
Quistis comes in unnoticed by the others, and stands in the doorway, watching The Christmas Demon Avenged over their shoulders.
(On the TV)
WOMAN: Oh, Bill, I'm just so glad that this Christmas we can be alone together and be a family!
BILL: Me, too, Laura. Last year, that demon was too much for me. I'm so glad I came up with a plot twist and killed it at the last second.
LAURA: And now we have a family! (holds up an ugly baby proudly.)
BILL: Yeah...Oh, honey, you almost forgot to open your present!
LAURA: (puts baby aside and opens present.) Oh, Bill, this is the most beautiful cubic zirconia I've ever seen in my life! It's just what I wanted...
(Cut to the window. A hideous, snarling, grotesque thing dives through the window and promptly eats the baby.)
SELPHIE: (screams and dives under the heap of blankets.)
ZELL: Ha! That baby deserved it!
IRVINE: This is supposed to be scary?
ZELL: Naw, it doesn't even get a little scary until the perfume saleswoman's cousin turns into a demon and eats her boyfriend.
QUISTIS: I can't believe you guys are watching this!
ZELL AND IRVINE: (both scream, startled by her sudden appearance, and dive behind various pieces of furniture, scattering crumbs, food, and blankets everywhere.)
QUISTIS: Look at this room! It's a mess! Have you guys been watching stupid Christmas specials all morning?
SELPHIE: (peering out from under her blankets.) No...
ZELL: (coming out from underneath an end table.) Hell, Quistis! Don't sneak up on us like that!
IRVINE: (gets out of the closet and dusts off his moth-eaten jeans with dignity.)
ZELL: Anyway, we haven't been watching all morning...
QUISTIS: Really? When did you start watching?
IRVINE: One o'clock yesterday afternoon.
QUISTIS: Turn that off! Rinoa wanted to talk to you, anyway.
IRVINE: Really? Rinoa?
QUISTIS: She wanted to see both of you. Zell, and Irvine.
IRVINE: Oh. Okay.
ZELL: What did she want to see us for?
QUISTIS: I don't know. She's in the lobby. Go find her.
SELPHIE: (shivering and staring hypnotically at the TV.) Turn...it...off...
QUISTIS: (turns off the TV just as the Christmas Demon starts devouring the Christmas tree.)
SELPHIE: THANK YOU!!!!! That was the scariest thing I've seen in my entire life!
ZELL: (confused.) Scarier than the time we had to battle Swamp Thing?
SELPHIE: Yeah!
QUISTIS: What are you guys talking about? We never battled a Swamp Thing!
SELPHIE: Hey! You're right!
ZELL: Maybe I just dreamed we did. We did watch Swamp Thing Goes to the North Pole yesterday.
QUISTIS: Ugh. I hate Christmas specials. Just get out of here and try not to watch any more TV today.
ZELL: Fine. Come on, Irvine. (they leave.)
SELPHIE: (jumps up off the couch, scattering food and blankets everywhere.) Thanks, Quisty! I'm going to go get dressed now! See ya later!!! (runs off.)
In the foyer, Rinoa is fully dressed, waiting for Irvine and Zell. As they enter, she runs over to them.
RINOA: Hey, guys. Did Quistis tell you I wanted to talk to you?
ZELL: Yeah. What's up?
RINOA: Listen. I don't think Squall got me anything for Christmas, and I got him something. Then if I give it to him, either he'll feel stupid because he didn't get me anything, or I'll feel like I went to too much effort for him.
IRVINE: (confused) Okay...
ZELL: Whadja get him?
RINOA: I'm not telling you!!!
IRVINE: So what do you want us to do?
RINOA: Take Squall shopping and get him to pick out something nice for me.
IRVINE: Yeah, I guess so. Sure.
RINOA: Thank you so much! (wrinkling her nose.) Just put on some clean clothes, please? And maybe take a shower?
ZELL: I can understand a shower, but...why can't I wear these clothes?
RINOA: (glares at him and leaves.)
ZELL: Okay, let's find Squall.
Squall is in his room, oiling his gunblade.
IRVINE: So, Squall...
ZELL: Rinoa wants us to take you shopping so that you can buy her a Christmas present.
IRVINE: Way to be tactful, Zell!
ZELL: What? What did I say?
SQUALL: (staring at them.) ::Rinoa wants me to buy her a Christmas present for her? Why? I can't shop for anyone worth anything! I thought we agreed not to exchange presents this year, anyway...::
IRVINE: From now on, let me do the talking. All right? (turns to Squall.) So, Squall. Want to come shopping?
SQUALL:..... ::I had my entire day planned and now I have to go buy Rinoa a stupid present...::
IRVINE: Come on! It'll be fun!
SQUALL: ::I bet he forgot to buy presents for everyone else and now that he's remembered, he's freaking.::
ZELL: Hey, I suddenly remembered that I still have to buy Christmas presents for everyone else.
IRVINE: Everyone else who? Everyone other than who?
ZELL: Me.
IRVINE: Well, I forgot to do my shopping too, so we can all shop together! What do you say, Squall?
SQUALL: Yeah. (grumbles to himself as he gets ready to go.)
At Fujin's apartment
Seifer, Fujin, and Raijin are all hanging out at Fujin's apartment, as is their tradition. Every year at Christmas, instead of going home to their families, they all hang at Fujin's apartment and eat Christmas cookies and watch movies. Seifer is examining Fujin's movie collection, Raijin is stuffing his face with cookies, and Fujin is peering over Seifer's shoulder.
SEIFER: (pulling a movie off the shelf.) Hey, how about Mission Impossible?
RAIJIN: No, that's too realistic, ya know?
FUJIN: (frowning) SEEDS, SIMILAR.
SEIFER: Yeah, it does kind of remind me of SeeDs. Last thing I need to think about over the holidays. (put it back and peers at the shelf again.)
RAIJIN: Hey, Seifer, these are really good cookies, ya know?
SEIFER: Oh, thanks. I used a new recipe.
FUJIN: (pointing) THAT ONE.
SEIFER: (reading the title of the movie) Deathly Courage VI? What's that about?
RAIJIN: Oh, that's a great movie. It's about a kung-fu fighter and a Galbadian agent, ya know? They team up to save the world from dying.
FUJIN: SIX TIMES.
RAIJIN: Fujin has the entire series. It's her favorite, ya know?
FUJIN: (beaming) AFFIRMATIVE.
SEIFER: Nah...Hey, don't you have any Christmas movies?
FUJIN: NEGATIVE. CHRISTMAS MOVIES, HATE.
SEIFER: Right. I forgot. Ummm...here's one! Jurassic Park. I haven't seen that in ages.
RAIJIN: All right.
They all settle down on the sofa with a bag of microwave popcorn and a plate of cookies and start the first hour of their movie-fest.
At the mall
Irvine, Zell, and Squall are roaming the mall in search of presents for their teammates and families.
IRVINE: Do you think Selphie would like this necklace? (holds up a large, tacky chain.)
ZELL: (squinting at it) I dunno...don't girls like pretty things?
IRVINE: Selphie likes orange, doesn't she?
ZELL: I guess she does.
IRVINE: And girls like jewelry, so naturally Selphie would like this.
ZELL: How much is it?
IRVINE: (looking at the price tag) Whoa! Ten gil! No way! (puts it back)
ZELL: Is that too much?
IRVINE: Way too much. I was just going to spend, like, maybe five gil on each person.
SQUALL: ::Good luck.::
ZELL: Well, if you guys aren't going to buy any jewelry, then we should leave. I have to buy my mom that bath-oil stuff she likes.
IRVINE: .....okay, let's go. What do you say, Squall?
SQUALL: ::I don't even know what to get her!!!:: Yeah.
They leave the department store and Zell drags them over to Suzy's Soap Works.
SQUALL: ::Maybe Rinoa would like some soap.::
IRVINE: Maybe Selphie would like some soap. Girls like to be clean, don't they? (picks up a bar of soap) Like this one...Cranberry Camomille. Does Selphie like cranberries?
ZELL: How should I know? Stop asking me! I have to find this bath oil for my mom!
SALESWOMAN: May I help you?
ZELL: Oh, I'm looking for Evergreen Glade bath oil. It's for my mom.
SALESWOMAN: I'm sorry, we're out of that. All we have is Ocean Fresh.
ZELL: Ocean Fresh????? EEEEEEEWWWW! &!
IRVINE: Zell! There's no need to get vulgar in front of the lovely... (examines her nametag)...Shirley.
SHIRLEY: (blushes)
ZELL: Well, can't you, like, speed-order it and have it flown here? Before tomorrow?
SQUALL: ::Rinoa likes dogs, doesn't she? Maybe I could get her a dog leash or something.::
SHIRLEY: I'm sorry, that's not possible.
ZELL: (long pause).........Look, I'll pay an extra fifty gil if you can get this for me. It's the only thing my ma wanted for Christmas!
SHIRLEY: .........I'll see what I can do. (disappears into the back.)
IRVINE: Hey, look! Citrus Beach! With oranges! Selphie likes orange!
ZELL: That's the color. She hates oranges.
IRVINE: (looking like he's going to cry.) Really?
ZELL: Yeah. Remember the other day when I threw an orange at her? She's allergic to citric acid or something.
IRVINE: But she wears that Tropical Pear stuff all the time!
SQUALL: Pears don't have citric acid in them, Irvine.
IRVINE: Really?
ZELL: Yeah. Only grapefruits and oranges and stuff do.
IRVINE: Hmm. Crap. Let's go somewhere else. All I can smell is Citrus Beach.
SQUALL: ::Rinoa never wears perfume, I think. I should look somewhere else.::
SHIRLEY: (coming back.) Sir?
ZELL: Yeah? Did you find it?
SHIRLEY: We have Evergreen Glade at our store in Timber, sir.
ZELL: Timber??!! How am I supposed to get to Timber? Can't you order it here?
SHIRLEY: I'm sorry, sir. All the trains are down on Christmas Eve.
ZELL: Squall, can I borrow the Ragnorak?
SQUALL: It's broken. Besides, it's starting to snow, and I'm not going to let you drive it through a snowstorm.
ZELL: &$
IRVINE: Hey, Squall doesn't own the Ragnorak!
SQUALL: Sure I do. Who rescued it from space? Me!
IRVINE: But Quistis said that it's Garden property.
SQUALL: And who runs the Garden? Me!
ZELL: But Squall, remember, Headmaster Cid took over the Garden again because he didn't want some teenager running it! He and Edea run the Garden now.
SQUALL: I still lead SeeD and the Ragnorak is mine!
IRVINE: Stop talking so much! You're scaring me!
SQUALL: .....whatever.
ZELL: Hey, Shirley. Can't you get someone to fly it here or something?
SHIRLEY: I'm sorry, sir.
ZELL: &$. Fine. I'll just have to go to Bertha's Bath Store.
SHIRLEY: No! Wait! I'll try something....oh! I'll tell you what. If you can get me a date with the guy who runs the Torama-rama, then I'll see if I can get my friend to order it for me.
ZELL: You mean Kahoot V?
IRVINE: You don't want to date him. He's mean. And he spits in the food.
SQUALL: ::I like the food at Torama-rama. Who the hell is Kahoot V?::
SHIRLEY: I don't care what he does to the food. I'll try to pull some strings if you can set up a date for me. With him. Only Kahoot V.
ZELL: (sighs) Fine. Come on, guys. Let's go.
They go to Torama-rama, and, to Zell's dismay, Kahoot V is not running the counter.
CASHIER BOY: Can I take your order?
ZELL: We need to talk to Kahoot V.
CASHIER BOY: He's not here. He's at home. With his wife.
ZELL: His wife? &#&$(($!
IRVINE: She must have known about this! Planned it ahead of time or something!
ZELL: How long have they been married?
CASHIER BOY: I dunno, ages. They have a kid. His name is Kahoot VI.
ZELL: How old is that kid?
CASHIER BOY: I dunno. Fifteen?
ZELL: Great! Is he cute?
CASHIER BOY: .........
IRVINE: Will you shut up and let me handle this, you big jerk? (shoves Zell out of the way.)
SQUALL: ::I wish they would hurry up. I'm starving! Hey, that guy's got some cards on him!:: Hey, wanna play cards?
GUY WITH CARDS: Sure, why not?
IRVINE: Look, does Kahoot VI look like Kahoot V?
CASHIER BOY: Hell, no. Kahoot V is a biker. Kahoot VI likes to play chess and he gets good grades in school.
IRVINE: Didn't Kahoot V?
CASHIER BOY: No.
ZELL: (&$&
SQUALL: (Coming back, proudly holding a Trepies Card.) What's going on?
CASHIER BOY: Look, are you going to order something or not?
IRVINE: Um....no.
CASHIER BOY: THEN GET OUT!!!!!!
ZELL: Just let me talk to Kahoot VI.
CASHIER BOY: He's not here. He refuses to run the Torama-rama.
SQUALL: Hey, guys, wouldn't it be easier if we just flew the Garden over to Timber?
IRVINE AND ZELL: (stare at him) NO!!!!!
SQUALL: Well, Kahoot's got a brother. His name is Bob.
ZELL: Bob???
SQUALL: Yeah. He runs the bike shop.
ZELL: (getting excited) Is he a biker?
SQUALL: I guess so.
ZELL: Yes!!!! Let's go!
SQUALL: ::But....fries...:: (sighs, then follows them.)
They run through the entire mall to get to Bob's Bikes Spectacular.
IRVINE: That's a weird name.
ZELL: Who cares? Hey! Hey, you! Are you Bob?
BOB: Yes.
ZELL: Do you look like your brother?
BOB: I have no brother...
ZELL: (&$&
IRVINE: Don't you have a brother named Kahoot V?
BOB: My parents disowned me.
ZELL: Oh. Okay. Do you look like Kahoot V?
BOB: Yeah.
ZELL: YES!!!!
IRVINE: Do you wanna go out with Shirley from the Suzy's Soap Works?
BOB: Sure!
ZELL: Great! Now, listen--
BOB: Only if you get me a card of myself.
SQUALL: ?????
IRVINE: What?
BOB: All the SeeDs have cards of themselves and I want one too! I'm important! I run the bike store!
IRVINE: (takes his card out of his pocket) Never leave home without it.
ZELL: Only SeeDs can have cards of themselves.
SQUALL: But the Trepies have a card! Look, I just won it!
ZELL: Shut up, Squall.
SQUALL: Don't tell me to shut up! (whips out Lion Heart)
IRVINE: What, do you drag that thing around with you everywhere?
SQUALL: I love these new dimensional pockets.
ZELL: Fine. Sorry. (turns back to Bob.) We'll see what we can do. Just give us a picture of you.
BOB: (pulls down a framed picture of himself from the wall.) Will this be okay?
ZELL: Yeah.
At Fujin's Apartment
SEIFER: What should we watch next, guys?
RAIJIN: Let's watch Buffy!
FUJIN: NEGATIVE.
SEIFER: That's not Christmasy. Let's watch....Blood and Guts MII.
FUJIN: (rolls her eye) STUPID.
RAIJIN: It's not like we don't see enough blood and guts otherwise, ya know?
FUJIN: AFFIRMATIVE. (leans over Seifer) THIS ONE.
SEIFER: Legends of the Fall? Fujin???
RAIJIN: She likes Brad Pitt, ya know?
FUJIN: (turns bright red) RAGE! (kicks him.)
RAIJIN: OWWWW! Fujin! That hurt more than usual, ya know?
FUJIN: WATCH...THIS ONE. (grabs a movie at random.)
SEIFER: (takes it from her and reads the title) All Dogs go to Heaven?
FUJIN: VERY CHRISTMASY.
SEIFER: Dying isn't Christmasy. Or dogs. I hate dogs. Oh, here's a good one! (holds up Muppet Christmas Carol.)....I mean, if we want to watch something Christmasy.
FUJIN: THIS ONE.
SEIFER: Reindeer Games? I thought this wasn't on video yet.
RAIJIN: It's out.
FUJIN: FRIENDLY PERSUASION.
RAIJIN: Yeah, she persuaded her brother's friend's cousin's aunt to tape it for her, ya know!
SEIFER: This is a bootleg copy? Fujin, that's so unlike you!
FUJIN: It is not! I can do whatever I want!
RAIJIN: (gasps)
SEIFER: (gapes at her)
FUJIN: I MEAN...
SEIFER: (stands up and throws Muppet Christmas Carol at her, but misses and hits Raijin instead.) FUJIN!!!!! YOU PROMISED YOU'D NEVER TALK LIKE THAT AGAIN!!!! (stamps his feet.)
FUJIN: Sorry. Uh, I mean, ahem SORRY.
SEIFER: You promised!!!!! FUJIN!!!!!
RAIJIN: (sounding like he's going to cry.) Fujin???
FUJIN: What? (sounds grouchy)
RAIJIN: Why are you talking like that?
FUJIN: (sighs) This is how my real voice is. And I don't feel like talking like that, so there!
SEIFER: STOP DOING THAT!!!!!
RAIJIN: Why is Seifer throwing a fit, ya know?
FUJIN: (sighs and folds her arms) I promised him I'd never talk like this again.
RAIJIN: When?
FUJIN: After that whole business when you two teamed up with Sephiroth and the Turks and Reeve.
RAIJIN: I thought you were going undercover for that.
FUJIN: No, that was a clever hoax to fool the feeble-minded.
RAIJIN: Oh, I get it.
SEIFER: Shut up right now! I want you to stop it now!
FUJIN: Maybe if you said please I might consider it.
SEIFER: Fujin Masago, stop it RIGHT NOW!!!! PLEASE!!!!
FUJIN: (tries hard not to laugh) That didn't sound very sincere...
SEIFER: &&(
RAIJIN: Fujin, you're kinda startin' to scare me, ya know?
FUJIN: SORRY. SEIFER, RAIJIN, FORGIVENESS.
SEIFER: That's better. (adjusts his clothing and tries to act dignified.)
FUJIN: Hey, waitaminute. I don't have to do anything you say! If I want to talk like this then I will and you can't stop me!
SEIFER: ????????
FUJIN: Yeah, you heard me!
SEIFER: (fumbles for his dimensional pocket.) Well, we'll see about that...oh, crap.
FUJIN: (smirking) Forget something? Like, your gunblade?
RAIJIN: Hey, if you two are gonna duke it out, I'm leavin' ya know?
FUJIN: I always carry this with me. (pulls out her shuriken)
SEIFER: (glares at her) You're my lackey! You have to do what I say!
FUJIN: WHAT??!! I'm not your lackey! I'm no one's lackey! You're the friend of my best friend!
SEIFER: ?????
RAIJIN: (feeling like he should be making a contribution to this conversation.) Uh, yeah!
SEIFER: (whining) But Fujin...I thought I was your best friend!
FUJIN: ::Uh-oh. Great one, Masago, now look at what you've started:: (clears her throat.) You are my best friend, Seifer... ::Raijin, pleasedon'tscrewituppleasedon'tscrewitup::
RAIJIN: Fujin? I thought I was your best friend, ya know?
FUIJIN: Uh...
ZELL: Well, here we are. Good old Balamb Card Printing Station.
SQUALL: ::This place is a dump.::
ZELL: Now, all we have to do is get the head cheese here to make a card of Bob, and then he'll go out with Shirley and Shirley can get me that bath oil that my mom likes.
IRVINE: I thought Shirley said that she would only date Kahoot V.
ZELL: Who cares? I just want that bath oil!
They go into the Printing Station, and walk up to a nearby assistant whose nametag reads "Joe."
JOE: No! You are all morons, I didn't tell you to push that button! (turns to SeeDs and Irvine) May I help you?
ZELL: Yeah, we need you to make a card of this guy. (holds up the picture of Bob.)
JOE: I'm sorry, we can't make cards of just anyone. Unless you're a SeeD or a major character, it costs twenty thousand gil for us to print a card of you.
ZELL: &$&
IRVINE: Can't you just make an exception this one time?
JOE: No, I--hey! Hey, you're Squall, aren't you? The leader of SeeD?
SQUALL: Yeah.
JOE: Oh, wow! I've been wanting to meet you all my life! I've always wanted to be a SeeD, but my mom wanted me to take over the card-printing business, so this is where I ended up. Wow! I'm so glad to meet you! (starts pumping Squall's hand)
SQUALL: Right.
JOE: Oh, hey, could you take my picture with him? (shoves a camera into Irvine's hands) And could you sign this? And this? And my jacket?
SQUALL: Uh, I guess so. (gets out a pen)
ZELL: Not so fast!!!
JOE: What?
ZELL: Irvine, put the camera down. Squall, you're not signing anything.
SQUALL: Hey, the man wants an autograph, I'll give him one! You're just jealous cause everyone likes me so much!
ZELL: Hey, Joe. Squall will sign anything and everything if you print a card of this guy for us.
JOE: Well, I don't know...
SQUALL: Hey, as the leader of SeeD, I command you to print a card of this guy!
JOE: Well, if you insist... (takes the picture of Bob. He's wearing a bright turquoise shirt.) But we've run out of this shade of turquoise. Once you get me some more, then we'll print a card for you.
ZELL: All right! So where can we get some of this ink?
JOE: Well, at the mall. At the ink store at the mall.
ZELL: &$#!
At the house
SELPHIE: Weeeee.....wish you a merry Christmas, we WISH you a merry Christmas, we WISH you a merry Christmas, and a happy new yeeeeear!
RINOA: (wincing) Gee, that's your best yet, Selphie.
SELPHIE: Hey, thanks!
The FFVIII girls are all sitting around, wrapping presents for their friends and listening to Christmas music.
QUISTIS: (carefully taping up a present) I hope Paldis likes this sweater I got him!
RINOA: Who's Paldis?
QUISTIS: No one! (giggles)
SELPHIE: Isn't he that new weirdo instructor?
QUISTIS: He's not weird! He's very normal!
SELPHIE: Yeah, he runs around waving that green glo-stick in the air and playing card games with the students, and that's normal?
QUISTIS: He's very nice to my groupies.
RINOA: Everyone's nice to your groupies because everyone likes you Quistis!
QUISTIS: Really?
RINOA: Well, not EVERYone...
SELPHIE: Yeah, Seifer doesn't like you very much!
QUISTIS: Oh, he doesn't count! (adds another piece of tape to her perfectly-wrapped present) There! That's the last one!
RINOA: Wow. For someone with no family, you sure have a lot of presents there.
QUISTIS: They're for my groupies. And you guys, Zell, Squall, Irvine, the Headmaster and his wife, Nida, Xu, Laguna and Ellone, and Paldis and a few other instructors.
RINOA: You got a Christmas present for the President of Esthar???
QUISTIS: As an instructor, I'm expected to do a lot.
SELPHIE: Wow. I hope I never become an instructor. I only got presents for you guys and that girl with the ponytail who's on the library committee because she taught me how to play guitar.
RINOA: What about the rest of your band?
SELPHIE: I got Zack a card. (She holds it up. It's a novelty Christmas card of Santa playing the guitar and surrounded by groupies.) I thought Zack would like it.
RINOA: I'm sure he will. Well, I only got presents for you guys.
QUISTIS: I thought you were going to get Seifer a present?
RINOA: No way, I'm way over him!
QUISTIS: Right.
SELPHIE: Well, I've gotta go! Band practice, ya know? (she runs off.)
QUISTIS: But Irvine's gone, and the girl with the ponytail is on Christmas vacation. She can't be having band practice now!
Back at the mall
SQUALL: Oh, hey, let's stop in there!
ZELL: What the hell for? We've gotta get some turquoise ink so that Joe will print a card of Bob so that Bob will go out with Shirley and then Shirley will get me some Evergreen Glade bath oil!
SQUALL: I still have to buy presents for Rinoa, Selphie, Quistis, you two, and that guy who lives near the garbage cans in the cafeteria that I play cards with.
IRVINE: Hey, yeah, Zell! I still have to buy presents for everyone I know, too!
SQUALL: Let's see...what does Rinoa like...
IRVINE: Earrings. Girls love earrings.
SQUALL: Rinoa doesn't have pierced ears.
IRVINE: No, you're wrong. All girls have pierced ears.
SQUALL: I think I know my own girlfriend!
ZELL: Gee, Irvine. You sure know a lot about these mysterious "girls" we've been hearing you talk about so much.
IRVINE: .............
ZELL: I think you've been misinformed.
SQUALL: ::Who cares what Irvine thinks? I've got to find some presents!:: Hey, let's go into that store! (points)
IRVINE: Hey, I know a lot about girls! More than you do!
ZELL: Fine! We'll just see whose present Selphie likes more--mine or yours!
IRVINE: Is that a bet?
ZELL: Oh, yeah!
IRVINE: How much ya got?
ZELL: Gee, I'm broke.
IRVINE: So am I...well, I will be once I buy presents for everyone.
ZELL: So, how about this...whoever loses has to...um...
IRVINE: Whoever loses has to wear one of Quistis' dresses and sing to that cute girl who works in the library!
ZELL: The one with the ponytail?
IRVINE: No, the other one.
ZELL: Oh, okay--deal!
SQUALL: (rolling his eyes) ::This is so stupid. Why do they have to make everything into a contest or a bet?:: Can we go now?
ZELL: I guess so. Just don't take too long. We still have to do all that stuff to get the Evergreen Glade bath oil!
Squall and Irvine sprint over to the nearest store, followed by Zell, and start looking around.
SQUALL: ::Hmm...I think Quistis might like this scrubby shower thingie that looks like a turtle. She loves turtles.:: (puts it in his basket.)
IRVINE: (examining the jewelry) ::Girls love jewelry. I think I should get Selphie a necklace. Nah, there aren't any pretty ones here. Maybe some socks or something...::
ZELL: ::Wow! I bet Selphie would love this paperweight! It has a little teeny GF in it! She loves GFs!:: (puts it in his basket)
SQUALL: ::And...Selphie would like this All-Purpose Weapon Wax. She's always complaining about how her nunchaku aren't shiny enough.:: (puts can in basket)
IRVINE: ::And....for Quisty.....ooh! This is perfect for Quistis!:: (puts item in basket)
ZELL: ::Quistis likes to grade papers, so I'll get her this red pen.:: (puts it in basket)
SQUALL: ::Hey, I bet Zell would love this book: Chicken Soup for the GF-Addicted Soul. In fact, Irvine might like it too. We all love Guardian Forces.::
They finish up in that store, then leave, laden with bags.
SQUALL: I only have to get something for that guy I play cards with now.
IRVINE: And my shopping's all done!
ZELL: And I only have to get that Evergreen Glade bath oil. Come on, let's go to the ink store!
They run to the ink store.
ZELL: Hey, we need some turquoise ink, now!
INK STORE GUY: Turqoise F7 or turquoise B9?
ZELL: Uh.....
IRVINE: Let's see them.
INK STORE GUY: (gets out two ink samples.) This one is F7 and this one is B9. Which one will it be?
IRVINE: B9.
SQUALL: No way! Definitely F7.
IRVINE: No, look. Bob's shirt is really bright, and B9 is brighter.
SQUALL: No, you're wrong cowboy! It's F7.
IRVINE: B9.
SQUALL: F7.
IRVINE: B9.
ZELL: Shuddup! I'll make the decisions here! (closes his eyes) Eeny-meenie-miny-moe...
SQUALL: ::Oh, great. Here we go again!::
ZELL: Catch a GF by his toe...
IRVINE: Isn't it tiger by his toe?
ZELL: Shuddup! Eeny-meenie-miny-moe.
SQUALL: See? See? F7! I was right!
ZELL: I'm not done yet!!!
IRVINE: There's more???
ZELL: Yeah.(chanting) My mother told me to pick the very best one because...
SQUALL: (sighs and rolls his eyes)
ZELL: Not because you're dirty, not because you're clean. Just because you kissed someone behind a dirty magazine, and you are not it. F7 it is!
IRVINE: D'oh!
SQUALL: Ha! The champion reigns over all once more!
ZELL: Okay, so we'll take a lot of F7.
INK STORE GUY: I'm sorry, that's not possible.
ZELL: What??!!?!
INK STORE GUY: You see, the juices that we use for turquoise ink come from a very special and rare spotted tiger that lives off the coast of the continent.
IRVINE: A swimming spotted tiger?
SQUALL: Isn't a spotted tiger called a leopard?
ZELL: So what? What's the problem?
INK STORE GUY: It's very expensive, and we're all out of ink.
ZELL: So buy more. Now!
INK STORE GUY: It's too expensive. We haven't had that much business lately.
ZELL: &$&
INK STORE GUY: But if you go over to the pet store, my sister owes me some money. If you get that money for me, then I'll get you some new ink right away!
ZELL: Great! Let's go!
At Fujin's apartment
Seifer, Fujin, and Raijin are now all watching Batman and Robin, at Seifer's request. No one is very happy. Fujin had to sit between Seifer and Raijin to keep them from fighting. Seifer is angry at Fujin because she's talking funny. Fujin is angry at Seifer because he's angry at her. Raijin and Seifer are angry at each other because they both want to be Fujin's best friend. Fujin is just plain grouchy because she doesn't know what to do.
SEIFER: (grumbling) What's the point of being a bad guy if my lackeys won't even do what I tell them to?
RAIJIN: (also grumbling) She's been my best friend since second grade, an' now she goes suckin' up to Seifer just cause she's got a crush on him...
FUJIN: You know that's not true, you big jerk! kick
RAIJIN: Ow!
SEIFER: You talking to me, chatterbox?
FUJIN: You shut up too! (stops there because she knows she's pressing it just telling him to shut up, even though she wants to kick him)
SEIFER: (under his breath) Thinks she runs the joint...if she weren't my friend she'd fall so hard so fast!!!
FUJIN: ::What am I going to do??? They're both such morons!::
RAIJIN: This movie is really stupid, ya know?
SEIFER: Shut up!!!! We're going to watch what I want to watch cause I'm in charge so do what I say!!!
RAIJIN: Uh......... (decides not to continue that sentence and tell Seifer to make him shut up, like he wants to, because he knows that Seifer will, indeed, make him shut up.)
SEIFER: Ha! That's better!
FUJIN: I'm trying to watch the movie!!!!!
SEIFER: Who asked you, motor mouth?
FUJIN: ::I knew I shouldn't have done anything about this. I should have just kept my mouth shut. Now look at what I've started. What am I going to do???::
RAIJIN: Stop callin' her names! She's my best friend!
SEIFER: I'll call her whatever I want cause she's my best friend!
RAIJIN: Nu-uh! Mine! I've known her forever, ya know?
SEIFER: But she likes me better!
RAIJIN: No, she likes me better!
SEIFER: You're wrong, vest boy! She likes me the best!
RAIJIN: No, no, no! She likes me the very best! The best of all!
FUJIN: (weakly) Look, Raijin. It's Poison Ivy...your favorite...
SEIFER: No, Fujin likes me the best, don't you Fujin? (grabs her arm)
RAIJIN: No, she likes me best! (grabs her other arm)
SEIFER: Fujin!!!! Tell him who you like best! Tell him it's me!
RAIJIN: Yeah, Fujin! Tell him you like me best!
FUJIN: (gasp) Ack! Guys--you're hurting me!
At the mall
Zell, Squall, and Irvine go into the pet store, and locate the ink store guy's sister, Nancy by name.
ZELL: So, you just need to pay your brother back. Let's pick up the pace, Nance!
NANCY: I can't. I'm broke.
ZELL: What???
NANCY: I have no money. That's why I haven't paid him back yet. But I'll be able to once I get my shipment of fish food.
IRVINE: Fish food?
NANCY: Well, I sell fish food to street guys on the side. That's most of my salary. Most people don't want pets these days. Just keep it under your hats, all right? My boss would kill me if he knew.
IRVINE: (looking confused and bewildered) Okay.....
ZELL: So when's your shipment coming in?
NANCY: Oh, a few weeks.
ZELL: A few weeks??? &&
NANCY: Sorry, I can't help you until then.
IRVINE: What if we bought a lot of fish?
SQUALL: ::How? We're all broke!::
NANCY: No, I don't get my paycheck until next month. I can't help you until my next shipment comes in. If you'll leave your names and phone numbers here, I can call you when it comes in...
ELL: (dejectedly) No, thanks...waitaminute! What if we brought you your shipment?
NANCY: Well, sure! You can do that!
ZELL: Great! We'll just drive the Garden and pick it up and bring it to you!
SQUALL: Hey, don't you think we should ask the Headma--
ZELL: Shuddup! So, where is this place where you have to pick up the fish food?
NANCY: It's in Timber.
ZELL: Great! We'll do it!
SQUALL: Uh, Zell--
ZELL: Not now! We've got to get back to the Garden! Let's go! Hurry up!
SQUALL: (shrugs) ::Don't say I didn't warn you.:: Whatever.
At the Garden
SELPHIE: Hi, guys. Am I late?
Selphie enters a room full of SeeDs. They all look up at her as she comes in.
XU: Hi, Selphie. You're just in time. Come on in.
SELPHIE: (sits on a chair) So, what are we reading this week?
NIDA: This book. (waves it around) It's called Understanding Your Guardian Force.
SELPHIE: ::What is it with the world and GF lately?:: That sounds great!
XU: We were just discussing the pros and cons of the first chapter.
STUDENT: For instance, they described Quezacotl in full but failed to mention the other abilities that Brothers can perform.
SELPHIE: ::Gawd! I can't believe Emily twisted my arm into doing this! I feel like such a moron! How many of these guys actually use GF and who actually cares what Brothers can do as long as they do their job right?::
STUDENT # 2: But I found the section on Diablos very informative.
SELPHIE: ::Informative!:: (looks at cover of book; it's pastel-colored and shows a friendly-looking guy with a very small Quezacotl sitting on his shoulder) ::Who reads stuff like this, anyway? Emily, I'm going to kill you!::
XU: What do you think, Selphie?
SELPHIE: (caught off guard) Uh...I like Leviathan's Recover ability!
STUDENT # 1: They never mentioned that!
SELPHIE: Sure they did. You must have just skimmed over it.
NIDA: Selphie, did you actually read the book?
SELPHIE: Well, I happen to own five GF and I don't think I need to read this stupid book! Who cares what they do as long as they do what they do right?
XU: Well, Selphie, if you want to stay in the book club, then you have to read the books.
SELPHIE: Fine. So kick me out.
NIDA: Oh, we won't do that. We're not like that.
XU: Yeah! You're free to go anytime...
SELPHIE: ::That's a relief. Woo-hoo!:: (stands up)
XU: ...as long as you tell us exactly why.
SELPHIE: Eep. (sits down again. She picks up a copy of the book and opens it to a random page) So, who else likes the part where the author goes into a long, descriptive, and informative chapter about why Shiva's abilities work?
The Garden rumbles and lurches suddenly to the left. Everyone screams and falls to the floor. Items slide off the shelves.
NIDA: What was that?
XU: Where's the Headmaster? Someone's driving the Garden! And badly!
Elsewhere in the Garden
Quistis and Rinoa are sitting in the cafeteria, alone except for the ever-present Trepies, eating sandwiches and drinking water. There is a large shopping bag next to Quistis' chair.
RINOA: I hope the guys are doing okay. I want Squall to get me something nice.
QUISTIS: Yeah...Oh! (pulls a wrapped present out of her shopping bag) Trepie # 67! Merry Christmas!
TREPIE # 67: (takes present and gapes at her, then turns to friend) She knows my name!!!!!!!!!!!!
QUISTIS: (turns back to Rinoa) It sure is hard work, keeping up with all your groupies.
RINOA: (rolling her eyes) Yeah, I'm sure it's suicide, Quistis... ::She doesn't even have to get them presents! All she has to do is acknowledge their presence and order them around.::
QUISTIS: Ooh! It's Paldis! Does my hair look okay? (smoothes her hair with shaky hands)
RINOA: Yeah, it looks fine. Where is he? I've never seen him before!
QUISTIS: He's the one wearing the SeeD uniform and a baseball cap.
RINOA: Oh....I see.... ::How can she like something so hideous?:: Well, good luck!
QUISTIS: Thanks. (grabs present from shopping bag and runs up to him) Hi, Paldis.
PALDIS: Hi...uh...
QUISTIS: Quistis. I teach three doors down from you.
PALDIS: Oh! Right! The one with the groupies!
QUISTIS: (blushing) Yeah, that's me! Anyway, I got you a present for Christmas... (she gives it to him)
PALDIS: (opens it. It's a green sweater) .............
QUISTIS: I just saw it and thought of you cause you like green, ya know, and it's a sweater... ::D'oh! Way to go, Trepe. I'm sure he'll fall for you now.::
PALDIS: Yeah, it's great. Thanks, Quistis.
QUISTIS: Sure! Anytime! So, anyway, I was thinking that maybe sometime we could compare teaching notes. Just to, like, improve our teaching qualities...oh!
The Garden suddenly heaves to the left, and Quistis stumbles and falls. Paldis does the same, only he knocks his head against the wall and passes out. Rinoa somehow managed to stay in her seat.
QUISTIS: Paldis!
RINOA: (coming over) What's happening?
QUISTIS: The Garden just started lurching all of a sudden. As an Instructor, I can't allow this to happen... (looks at Paldis) Watch over him, please?
RINOA: Sure, Quistis.
QUISTIS: And when he wakes up, tell him I saved his life.
RINOA: Right, Quistis. Will do.
Elsewhere in the Garden
IRVINE: Zell, are you sure you know how to drive the Garden?
ZELL: Course I do...I'm not a moron! (grabs controls, and they suddenly swerve to the left, narrowly missing a large tree) Whoa!
SQUALL: (getting up from the floor where he had fallen) ::What an idiot, thinks he knows everything...:: Give me those! I know how to drive the Garden, and I'll take control here! (grabs controls) Now, which way to Timber?
IRVINE: (sitting on the floor where he had fallen) This map that I fell on says that Timber is to the east.
SQUALL: Okay. East it is. Um... (pulls on controls, and it makes a slow, gentle turn to the east) ::Ha! This is easier than I thought!::
The door opens, and Quistis, Xu, and the Headmaster run in.
QUISTIS: What's going on here?
XU: gasp Squall! What are you doing?
SQUALL: (jumps away from the controls) Nothing! It was Zell! All Zell's idea! (points at Zell)
CID: Don't worry Squall, I believe you!
XU: Well, I follow the Headmaster, so I believe you too.
QUISTIS: suspicious glare
CID: Zell, can you explain this?
ZELL: Uh...
QUISTIS: Come on, Zell, what are you doing?
ZELL: What are we doing, anyway? Stupid GF-addled brain.
QUISTIS: I know you're faking it, Dincht! Cough us up some info!
XU: Don't be too hard on him, Quistis. After all it is Christmas Eve D- (trips over Irvine's legs and falls)
IRVINE: Hey, Xu.
XU: Um, hi, Irvine. (gets up) What are you doing down there?
IRVINE: I fell when Zell swerved the Garden around.
ZELL: I didn't! (at glare from Quistis, he adds,) I did.
At that moment, Selphie runs in.
SELPHIE: Hey! I thought I would find you guys here! What's happening? I thought you were Christmas shopping!
XU: Selphie?
SELPHIE: Uh...hey, Xu.
XU: I thought I told you all to stay put until I got back.
SELPHIE: ............. ::Little does she know that I escaped in all the confusion:: ..........
XU: I mean, you seemed really excited to discuss that book.
IRVINE, ZELL, and QUISTIS: ?????????
QUISTIS: A book? A book club, Selphie? I thought you had band practice!
SELPHIE: Uh...I did! I do! Xu, uh, wanted to watch, and she was reading, uh...a book and she wanted to talk to me about it! And, uh, I had to go to the bathroom and I got lost!
XU: But Selphie, I wasn't watching you prac--ow!!!
IRVINE: You were having band practice without me?
SELPHIE: And this is definitely not the girl's bathroom, so I'll just go now! (blurs away)
XU: (rubbing the spot on her arm where Selphie pinched her) I would never watch that stupid band practice!
IRVINE: Hey!
XU: Well, I like classic music.
IRVINE: Oh, well that's okay then.
QUISTIS: Never mind that now. Zell, Irvine, Squall, what are you guys doing up here? I thought you went shopping!
CID: Yes, Zell, please enlighten us. What were you doing?
ZELL: (weakly) Shopping?
At Fujin's Apartment
SEIFER: (pounding on the bathroom door) Fuuuuujiiiiiinnnnn! I'm sorry I called you all those names! Please come back!
RAIJIN: Yeah! We're sorry we fought over you, ya know?
SEIFER: It's all your fault, you big jerk! If you weren't such a loser, then she wouldn't have locked herself in the bathroom in the first place!
RAIJIN: Me? You were the one who yelled at her for talking! And you tore her shirt, ya know?
SEIFER: (groans) Who cares? Let's just work on getting her out of there. (pounds on the door.) Fujinnnn! We're soooorrryy! Please come out and watch Batman with us!
FUJIN: Nice try, blondie! (leans against the door) I'm not coming out ever again!
RAIJIN: Never ever?
FUJIN: Never ever.
SEIFER: Not even to bring me the newspaper?
FUJIN: Not even then.
RAIJIN: Not even to push me into the lake?
FUJIN: (hesitates. She loves to do that.) NEVER!!!!
SEIFER: Is she talking normal again or just yelling?
RAIJIN: I dunno...I can't tell, ya know?
FUJIN: And I've got a lifetime supply of crackers in here!
SEIFER: She keeps crackers in the bathroom?
RAIJIN: She won a Ritz cracker contest once. Which proves that I know more than you do about her anyway!
SEIFER: That doesn't prove anything! She really likes me better! She's always kicking you!
RAIJIN: Well, at least I don't yell at her for talking!
SEIFER: She ran away from you into the bathroom! I hope you're happy now!
RAIJIN: Nu-uh, she kicked both of us!
SEIFER: I'm quite certain she intended to just kick you.
FUJIN: Arguing won't help anything!!!!!
SEIFER: Crap! She's talking like that again! (to Raijin) Maybe if we just be really nice to her she'll come out and then we can tie her to a chair until she promises to act evil again.
FUJIN: I heard that!
RAIJIN: No wonder she hates you so much!
FUJIN: I'm not coming out until you two go away! Far away! I just want to be alone with Pearl!
RAIJIN: Hey, I got a plan, ya know?
SEIFER: What? What is it?
RAIJIN: We can pretend to leave, and then when Fujin comes out, we can grab her, ya know?
SEIFER: She's not that stupid!
RAIJIN: Well, I don't hear you giving out any plans, ya know!
SEIFER: ..........
Inside the bathroom, Fujin is bracing herself against the door, with her feet against the toilet. Pearl is sitting on the toilet seat, half-asleep. Fujin is straining to hear what her friends are saying on the other side of the door.
SEIFER: Well, I guess Fujin won't come out so we'll have to leave!
RAIJIN: Yep! We'll just leave Fujin's apartment now, ya know?
FUJIN: (rolls her eyes. She can hear loud stomping noises getting softer and softer as they pretend to leave.) ::How stupid do they think I am?::
RAIJIN: (hiding around the corner with Seifer) She's not coming, ya know!
SEIFER: She'll come. She's got to trust us again!
The door creaks open very slowly...
Seifer and Raijin jump out from behind the corner...
...and scream as they attack Pearl in the hallway. Pearl suddenly becomes animated, and proceeds to scratch and bite Fujin's friends. Fujin then leans out into the hallway, grabs Raijin by his vest, and hauls him into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her. Seifer wrestles with Pearl and finally throws her into Fujin's room and closes the door.
FUJIN: RAIJIN, IDIOT.
RAIJIN: What? I don't know what you're talkin' about, ya know?
FUJIN: Seifer isn't really my best friend. You are. I can tell him that he's my best friend, and no one will be any the wiser.
RAIJIN: (looking confused) But...
FUJIN: And you know how Seifer's temper can get...
RAIJIN: Okay, we'll do what you say. Do you promise I'm your best friend?
FUJIN: (thinks of how freakish Seifer can get when Fujin acts like a normal person) PROMISE. GO, ASSURE SEIFER.
RAIJIN: Yeah! Let's go!
SEIFER: (leaning against the door, straining to hear) ::What are they doing in there? Why did she grab him? What's happening?::
The door opens and Seifer falls into the bathroom and onto Fujin and Raijin. He quickly straightens, and glares at them.
SEIFER: Well. If it isn't Little Miss Talks-a-lot.
FUJIN: Oh. You're still mad about that.
SEIFER: Grab her, Raijin!
RAIJIN: (looks back and forth between Seifer and Fujin)
FUJIN: Look, Seifer. Raijin and I talked and now he's accepted the fact that you are my best friend.
SEIFER: Really?
FUJIN: Yeah. So now we can all be buds again!
RAIJIN: Yeah!
SEIFER: Yeah...as soon as you stop talking like that!
At the Garden
SQUALL: Okay, we're in Timber now. Can't we leave yet?
QUISTIS: I don't know if you deserve to....::Little do they know, I'm putting up a facade so that they won't know I'm counting the minutes until I can go back to Paldis!::
CID: Oh, let them go. Zell just wants to get his mom some bath oil for Christmas.
XU: Yeah, Quistis. Have a Christmas Spirit.
QUISTIS: ::And yet, I manage to get blamed for everything.:: Okay, guys, you can go. Just remember to be back tomorrow morning when we open presents!
XU: And if you'll excuse me, I have to find Selphie and demand to know why she's being so weird. (leaves)
Squall, Irvine, and Zell hop off the Garden and run into Timber. They go to the warehouse where Nancy told them to go, and then...
ZELL: There! That's it! That's the crate of fish food! Let's just get it and get out of here...
SQUALL: ::I still have to buy a present for that guy I play cards with...I don't know what to get him...::
IRVINE: Hey, Zell, what's that?
ZELL: What's what?
SQUALL: ::Oh, well, Have a Christmas Spirit, and all that crap.:: (goes into the Suzy's Soap Works that happens to be next door to the warehouse, buys a large bottle of Evergreen Glade bath oil, and returns to the other two.) Hey, Zell.
ZELL: No, Squall. Help me lift this.
IRVINE: Hey, Zell...look what Squall's got!
ZELL: NOT NOW!!!
SQUALL: Fine. I'll just have to give this Evergreen Glade bath oil to Rinoa...
ZELL: Fine, you do that, just--did you say Evergreen Glade? (sees bottle) Wow! This is great! Thanks, Squall!
SQUALL: You owe me fifteen gil.::How can bath oil be so expensive?::
ZELL: Okay... (pays him) This is so great! (realizes something) Hey! We went to all that work and everything and now we've got to do nothing! What a rip-off!
IRVINE: At least you got the bath oil.
ZELL: Yeah...
IRVINE: And your life.
ZELL: What does that mean?
IRVINE: Uh...nothing. Rhetorical, you know?
ZELL: Oh. Right. Well, don't forget about our little bet!
IRVINE: Believe me, I haven't. (chuckles evilly)
ZELL: Okay, so let's get out of here.
SQUALL: Maybe you should go back and apologize to all those people for promising to do things for them. And bring them their stuff, and everything.
ZELL: No way! I'm not going to do that!
IRVINE: Come on, have a Christmas Spirit, Zell.
ZELL: Well, okay. I'll apologize, but I'm not taking anyone any crates of fish food!
IRVINE: (wrinkling his nose) I don't blame you.
First, they return to Nancy at the pet store, who doesn't mind that they won't bring her the fish food. Next, they visit the ink store guy, who also doesn't care. But something interesting happens when they visit the card-printing factory...
JOE: Hey, guys! Hi, Mr. Leonheart! Did you get the ink?
ZELL: No. We came to tell you that we're not going to bring you any ink any more.
JOE: Oh, well, that's okay because we suddenly found a lot of it in the back, and we printed you a card of this guy! (holds up card of Bob)
ZELL: Oh. Well, we don't want it.
JOE: Take it. No one's going to want a card of the guy who runs the bike shop.
ZELL: Fine, fine...
JOE: So, Mr. Leonheart, can you sign this paper now?
SQUALL: Yeah. Yeah, I can! (takes out pen, and signs five pictures, three sheets of paper, and Joe's jacket) Bye, Joe!
As they leave...
IRVINE: Okay, that guy was a little strange.
ZELL: Who cares? Do either of you guys want this card? This Bob guy is really ugly, and I bet it's worth nothing. Look, he doesn't even have an eight!
IRVINE: Nah, throw it away.
SQUALL: Wait! I know! We can give it to Bob like we were going to in the first place!
IRVINE: Hey, yeah! I mean, we promised him a date with Shirley, and we might as well spread a little more cheer and stuff while we're at it.
ZELL: Yeah, I guess so.
They head back to the mall, and find the bike shop closed. So they return to the Balamb version of Suzy's Soap Works, and discover:
SHIRLEY: Oh, hi! It's you guys!
BOB: Hi, everyone!
ZELL: What the...
IRVINE: Bob? And Shirley?
ZELL: What's going on?
BOB: Well, I figured I'd come over here and meet the girl I was going to date...and we really hit it off, you know?
SHIRLEY: And he told me all about his brother Kahoot V and how he's married and everything. And I don't mind...I love Bob!
ZELL: Oh, that's good then.
IRVINE: Yeah, congratulations!
SHIRLEY: Thanks!
ZELL: Well, Bob, we brought you your card...
BOB: Oh, you can keep it. Nothing matters but Shirley anymore.
ZELL: What? But we don't want this card! What are we going to do with it?
SQUALL: Ooh! Hey! Give it to me!
ZELL: Why?
SQUALL: Just do it and don't make me hit you.
ZELL: (obliges) Man, I can't believe we went to all that work for nothing.
IRVINE: Yeah, but what are you going to do?
ZELL: (beaming proudly) Go home to wrap this Evergreen Glade bath oil!
At Fujin's apartment, very early the next morning
Seifer, Fujin, and Raijin are all still camped out on the couch, watching movies. Seifer is infernally angry because his "best friend" Fujin still won't bend to his will and be normally evil again. Fujin is angry because Seifer keeps trying to lord it over her. Raijin is perfectly happy because Fujin is his best friend, but he is a little uncomfortable at how his friends keep fighting together.
RAIJIN: Hey, guys! We stayed up all night, ya know!
SEIFER: Who cares? I've stayed up all night thousands of times!
RAIJIN: (happily) I care!
FUJIN: Hey, yeah! I care too!
SEIFER: Who cares if you care? I don't!
The movie they were watching suddenly stops, and the TV is on instead.
TV ANNOUNCER: Next up, on Channel 28--Yuletide Joy and how to take care of it! Then, The Original Christmas story, followed by the most recent Christmas Story, starring Ron the SeeD and Tylona the Sparkly Robot.
SEIFER: Change the channel.
FUJIN: No.
RAIJIN: (desperately trying to stop them from fighting) Hey, guys! We should give each other our presents now, ya know!
SEIFER: Fine. Whatever.
FUJIN: Okay. (gets up and gets two brightly wrapped presents from her bedroom. When she gets back, Raijin and Seifer also have two presents each.) First, I wanna say something.
SEIFER: Isn't that a surprise?
FUJIN: You (points at Seifer) can NOT make me speak the way that you want me to. I'll talk however I want to talk. And you, as my best friend, should accept that. (ignores Raijin, who is giggling behind his hand, and probably thinking about how clever their plan to twist Seifer's opinion is)
SEIFER: .............
FUJIN: Well?
SEIFER: I accept that. But I don't forgive you.
RAIJIN: Here, Seifer. Here's my present for you!
SEIFER: (rips open present, and forgets about Fujin momentarily) Wow! Raijin, this is great! The newest CD by Bloody Carolers! My favorite! Thanks!
FUJIN: (not sure how to talk now) Here. (shoves her present at him)
SEIFER: (opens present.) Wow! A year's subscription to Cooking and Food Arrangements! I've been wanting this for ages... (looks at Fujin, then grins) Aw, I love you guys! How could I ever stay mad at you???
FUJIN: (happy again) QUESTIONABLE.
RAIJIN: (secretly overjoyed that Fujin is speaking normally again.) So, we're all even again, ya know?
SEIFER: Yeah...here, guys, sit with me on the couch. Do you two ever know me! Who else would get me the newest Bloody Carolers and Cooking and Food Arrangements? Here, you two, open your presents.
They do. Seifer's present to Raijin is a new vest (his old one was bloodstained and kind of gross-looking.) His present to Fujin is something she's wanted for a long time: a copy of You and Your Shuriken: How to Get the Most Out of Your Weapon.
FUJIN: SEIFER, THANKS.
RAIJIN: This vest is so nice! It fits perfectly, ya know! This is the best Christmas ever!
FUJIN: RAIJIIN, SAME EVERY YEAR.
SEIFER: (not sure what to say to that. It's true...every year Raijin goes on about how it's the best Christmas ever.) Well, aren't you going to open your other presents? I want to see what you got each other!
Fujin and Raijin got each other exactly what they told each other to get each other: for Fujin, a really cool-looking black trench coat for when they're on cold evil missions, and for Raijin, some All-Purpose Weapon Wax. Of course, as usual, they pretend that they had no idea they were getting them.
RAIJIN: Aw, Fujin, you always know just what to get me.
FUJIN: DITTO. COAT, GOOD. THANKS.
RAIJIN: Thank you, Fujin.
SEIFER: You know, you guys are the best!!!!!
FUJIN: AFFIRMATIVE.
RAIJIN: Aw, thanks, Seifer...you're pretty cool too.
FUJIN: AFFIRMATIVE.
SEIFER: Aw...you're the best lackeys--ahem--friends...the best friends that an evil ex-sorceress' knight could ask for!
FUJIN: (blushing) THANKS.
RAIJIN: And you're the best friend we've ever had!
SEIFER: Merry Christmas, guys.
RAIJIN: Merry Christmas, Seifer. Merry Christmas Fujin!
FUJIN: MERRY CHRISTMAS.
There is a short silence, filled by the TV.
GUY ON TV: Now, in order to quench your want to strangle those Christmas carolers, you have to remember to breathe deeply! Then you have to remember that your idea of a perfect Christmas may not be everyone else's!
FUJIN: TV, OFF. (finds remote, turns TV off.)
SEIFER: So, who wants my patented Christmas breakfast? (this consists of cranberry waffles with cherry-and-cranberry syrup on them, scrambled eggs, and venison, in honor of the reindeer.)
RAIJIN: Ooh! Me! Me! Me!
FUJIN: AFFIRMATIVE. (puts her feet up on the table.)
SEIFER: Well, I had better get cooking!
At the house
Selphie showed off her abundance of Christmas Spirit by awakening her friends at five in the morning. After breakfast, they all gathered around the Christmas tree to open their presents.
RINOA: Okay, you first Squall! Open all of your presents!
Squall does so, and gets a keychain from Selphie, a can of All-Purpose Weapon Wax from Zell, a pair of socks from Irvine, a book he really wanted from Quistis, and a watch that he also wanted from Rinoa.
SQUALL: .........thanks, guys.
SELPHIE: Who's next?
IRVINE: You go, Selphie! (chuckles evilly and sends a sinister glare at Zell)
ZELL: Yeah, open your presents Selphie!
Other than a can of All-Purpose Weapon Wax from Squall and a GF paperweight from Zell, Selphie also got a pair of orange dangly earrings from Irvine, a necklace from Rinoa, and from Quistis...
SELPHIE: Wow! Illegal Fighters VII for the PlayStation! Where did you get this, Quistis?
QUISTIS: I have my ways. (she conned one of her Trepies into convincing his friend that it had to be bought for 20 gil rather than one hundred gil)
SELPHIE: Oh, wow! This is great! Thanks, Quisty!
IRVINE: What about my earrings, Selphie? Weren't they great?
SELPHIE: Um...Yeah! I guess.
ZELL: But you liked my paperweight better, right? Right?
SELPHIE: (shrugs) Well, I really loved Illegal Fighters VI for the PlayStation...I've been waiting forever for VII to come out. I really love Quistis' present.
IRVINE: But...
SELPHIE: But what?
ZELL: But you really love my paperweight, right?
SELPHIE: What are you guys talking about?
SQUALL: They made a bet. Just tell them whose present you like better.
ZELL: And be brutally honest. No faking it just cause Irvine likes you!
IRVINE: (blushes)
SELPHIE: Well...if you want me to be honest...
ZELL & IRVINE: Yeah...
SELPHIE: I didn't like either of your presents. They were both crappy.
ZELL & IRVINE: ??????
SELPHIE: Yeah. Irvine, first of all, I don't have pierced ears.
IRVINE: D'oh!
SELPHIE: And also, those earrings are really ugly. And Zell, I don't want to remember how much GF takes away my memory. And also, I don't use papers.
ZELL: But...novelty stuff...fun...
SELPHIE: I wasn't going to say anything, since it's the thought that counts. Thanks anyway, you guys. I know you meant well.
IRVINE: Awww....you're welcome Selphie!
SELPHIE: Now open your presents, cowboy!
Irvine gets a copy of u Chicken Soup for the GF-Addicted Soul /u from Squall and another one from Zell. Selphie gets him a stuffed chocobo wearing a little cowboy hat, named Boko. Quistis gets him a digital watch with an alarm because he always sleeps in so late, and Rinoa got him a can of All-Pupose Weapon Wax.
SELPHIE: So...Irvine...did you like my present?
IRVINE: ::What should I tell her? She hates my present, and I really love this cute little chocobo, but I should make her think that I hate her present too so that I'll get my revenge on her for hating my present.:: Weeeellllll...not really. It's kinda...uh...tacky. What with the cute little hat and all.
SELPHIE: Oh...okay.
IRVINE: But I I really /I loved the All-Purpose Weapon Wax from Rinoa.
RINOA: I thought you would like it. You're always polishing your weapon and everything, whatever it is...
IRVINE: A rifle.
RINOA: Whatever. Sorry, GF again.
SELPHIE: ::Man! I really thought that Irvine would like that little chocobo. Oh, well. I'm sure he appreciates the thought anyway.:: Hey, Rinoa, now you open your presents!
IRVINE: ::What? She doesn't even care that I don't like her present! What's wrong with that girl?::
Rinoa gets a pair of earrings from Irvine and from Zell, a hair clip. From Selphie, she gets a package of bath stuff: a srcubby thing, shampoo, soap, and lotion, and Quistis gives her a picture frame (Rinoa really wanted a picture frame). Squall gives her a card that reads, "Have a Merry Christmas. This card is just one fraction of how much I love you!" (it was pre-written, Squall only signed it)
RINOA: You got me a card?
SQUALL: ........yeah.
RINOA: (whispering to Irvine) I thought I told you to get him to get me something nice.
IRVINE: What? (is lost in a reverie of wondering about Selphie)
RINOA: But that is really sweet.........Squall, this is the best present I've ever had!
SQUALL: Really?
RINOA: Yeah! It's sweet and thoughtful and you signed it, which is more than you did with everyone else so far! And it says you love me!
SQUALL: ahem Why, so it does...
RINOA: Thank you Squall! (hugs him) Now you, Quistis!
Quistis gets that red pen from Zell, a scrubby thing that looks like a turtle from Squall, and a CD by her favorite group from Irvine. Rinoa gets her some perfume or something that she really likes, and Selphie gets her a can of All-Purpose Weapon Wax.
QUISTIS: Hey, thanks Irvine! I've been wanting this CD for a while! Thanks a bunch!
IRVINE: (does hear her; is too busy concocting schemes to make Selphie angry for him "not liking" her present to him.)
Finally, Zell opens his presents: two copies of Chicken Soup for the GF-Addicted Soul, one from Squall and one from Irvine, a pair of cool-looking fighting gloves from Quistis, a coupon for ten free hot dogs from Rinoa, and a can of All-Purpose Weapon Wax from Selphie.
ZELL: Selphie, I don't use a weapon.
SELPHIE: That's why it's called All-Purpose. See, if you read the side of the can, it says that it can double as hair gel. See, and it'll make your hair even more spikey than it already is!
ZELL: Cool! These gloves are great too, Quisty! They fit my hands perfectly! I bet I could hit a million more things and not get blistered at all! Now I gotta find something to hit...
QUISTIS: Well, I'm just glad that everyone got something they like.
SELPHIE: And a can of All-Purpose Weapon Wax.
RINOA: Hey yeah! How did that happen?
SELPHIE: It's Weapon Wax. It's convenient. Especially if you want to polish your weapon.
RINOA: That is true...hey, how are things with Paldis, Quistis?
ZELL: Paldis? Who's Paldis?
SELPHIE: That crazy day-glo instructor who calls you Skunk.
ZELL: Oh, yeah...hehehe...(glowers) Why does he call me that anyway?
QUISTIS: He didn't remember me when he woke up.
RINOA: Yeah, sorry about that. A nurse came by and dragged him off to the infirmary before he woke up. Otherwise I would have told him that you saved his life.
QUISTIS: Well, I dropped by later and told him, but he didn't remember me. He seemed to remember Candace just fine.
IRVINE: Who's Candace?
QUISTIS: Trepie # 32. He's had a crush on her for ages. Or that's what Candace said. He thinks that the sweater that he likes so much is from her.
RINOA: And you let him think that?
QUISTIS: Yeah...he acted kinda weird when he woke up. Plus, I think he and Candace would make a cute couple.
ZELL: Good thing, Quistis. I really hate that guy. He gave me an F for sleeping in his class!
QUISTIS: Zell, I would give you an F if you slept in my class.
ZELL: Yeah, but there's love behind your bad grades! Plus, this guy just stands around in his day-glo and he just likes to hear himself talk.
SELPHIE: Plus, he's ugly.
IRVINE: ::What should I do? What should I do?:: Well, I'm going up to my room with my good presents and with this mediocre stuffed creature from Selphie.
SELPHIE: Kay.
RINOA: Merry Christmas, Irvine!
Irvine goes up to his room and gives Boko a special place to sit on his bed.
ZELL: Hey, guys, isn't this the best Christmas ever?
SQUALL: (rolls his eyes) ::He says that every year.::
SELPHIE: Yeah! I think it is too. Don't you guys agree?
RINOA: Sure.
QUISTIS: Yeah.
SQUALL: ........whatever.
SELPHIE: Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!
ZELL: Why did you say that just now?
SELPHIE: I dunno. I just felt like it.
QUISTIS: We should all say it, to feel more Christmasy.
EVERYONE EXCEPT IRVINE: Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!
ZELL: But wait a minute...it's daytime!
RINOA: Who cares? It's just a saying to put us all in the Christmas Spirit.
ZELL: Man, I am so glad I got that bath oil for my mom. She's going to be so happy.
SQUALL: And I'm going to give that card of Bob to that guy I play cards with. Now that's Christmas Spirit!
QUISTIS: Let's all say it again!
EVERYONE EXCEPT IRVINE: Merry Christmas to all and to all a good--
IRVINE: Hey, what are you guys doing down here? I thought we were going to play Monopoly or something!
QUISTIS: We're trying to get in the Christmas Spirit, Irvine!
RINOA: Yeah, and you just spoiled the entire thing!
IRVINE: Oh. Sorry.
SQUALL: We could try it again later.
IRVINE: Really?
ZELL: No! You ruined it forever, Irvine!
SELPHIE: Way to go, Irvine.
IRVINE: Oh, well! Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!
The End