Author's Notes: This story is meant to take place a few weeks after the season one finale and is in no way related to another story I wrote called Enjoy Yourself It's Later Than You Think. Having said that, it is a bit of a tear-jerker so be forewarned. Thanks, as always, go out to my beta LilacMermaid. Still don't own The Newsroom.
You can spend all your time making money
You can spend all your love making time
If it all fell to pieces tomorrow
Would you still be mine?
~The Eagles, Take It To The Limit
It wasn't so much the silence itself that was annoying him, it was the fact that she wasn't talking. Mackenzie never let entire segments pass without some sort of instruction in his ear. Hell, she wasn't even trying to ask him what was on the voicemail anymore. And maybe that was what scared him. He had never known Mac to give up so easily on anything, let alone something so important.
They'd been good these last few weeks. The knife's edge of tension they had teetered on ever since she came back seemed to be dissipating. For so many months, he could tell, she had always been waiting for the other shoe to drop. For the playful, teasing banter to suddenly turn accusatory on his part. Or worse yet, for the words Brian Brenner or cheating to enter the conversation. Maybe they were both finally realizing how inevitable it all was…how inevitable they were.
And then it changed.
The last few days she had been eerily quiet. Handing rundown meetings over to Jim after just a few minutes of instructions. Letting her secretary deliver paperwork to him. Disappearing in the middle of the afternoon, only to return and lock herself in her office. It was beginning to unnerve him.
The final straw was tonight's show. He'd heard nothing from her the whole time except for the occasional reminder that he had ten seconds left before they came back from commercial. He listened intently to see if she would say anything else, but nothing ever came. Then suddenly, with only a few minutes left in the broadcast, he heard Jim's voice in his ear. He tried to keep his head from whipping up in shock. Where the hell was she?
The moment they told him he was clear he ripped off his microphone and headed to the control room.
"What the hell was that Jim? Give me a little warning when I'm going to suddenly be hearing someone else in my ear in the middle of a broadcast!" he practically screamed at the younger man.
"Hey Will, I didn't have any warning. Mackenzie threw off her headset fifteen minutes ago and left the room, what the hell else was I supposed to do?" Will had to respect the man for standing his ground. Right now though, all he wanted was to know what the hell was going on with Mackenzie.
He marched through the newsroom toward her office. From the outside it looked dark and he had to wonder if she was even still in there. He pushed the door open and looked around. In the dimness, he thought he could make out her figure in the corner of the room, arms crossed tightly around her middle. It was the pose she adopted when she was hurt or when she was scared. Seeing her like that always made his stomach turn with uneasiness. It sucked the righteous indignation out of him.
"Mackenzie?" he asked quietly.
"I'm sorry if I threw you off tonight. I should have just let Jim handle the show but I didn't want to sit at home."
"Are you ok?"
"That's the million dollar question, isn't it?" she chuckled.
"You're scaring me here, Mac. What's going on?" He walked over to the corner of her office where she was currently sitting on the floor, her legs stretched out before her and crossed at the ankles.
"I found it a few days ago in the shower. I really tried to ignore it, but even I'm not that oblivious. I have to have a biopsy tomorrow morning. I already told Jim I'd be in late" she exhaled deeply and looked up at him.
He slid down the wall next to her in shock. When he reached the floor, he grabbed her hand.
"Tell me" was all he could say.
"I don't really have much to tell you yet. I went to the doctor three days ago. She ordered a mammogram, which came back with some abnormalities. She wants me to have a biopsy."
Will sat there in stunned silence. No, no, no. Not right now. They needed to work some things out. They were getting there. He was getting there. This was not supposed to happen to Mackenzie.
"Will it hurt?" he asked.
"I'm sure there's some pain involved but it can't be worse than being stitched up in an army field hospital can it?"
He winced envisioning that. "Probably not."
"Have you told anyone? Called your mother?" he asked her.
"I'd really rather not deal with my mother's histrionics until I have a better idea of what I'm dealing with Will."
"Ok" he replied, pulling her hand further into his lap and enclosing it between both of his.
That seemed to open the dam for her, and suddenly the tears were flowing freely. He wrapped his arm around her shoulder and pulled her head against him.
"What do you want Mackenzie?"
"I want to wake up tomorrow and not have a lump in my breast."
"Ok, what do you want that I can give you?"
"I don't want to be alone tonight" she whispered.
"That I can do. You stay here. I'm going to go grab my things and call Lonny. I'll be right back."
He gently extracted himself from her and headed toward his office. He made his way over to the bathroom and locked himself in there. He fell to his knees on the small area rug in the center of the room and let his tears fall freely. He gave himself two minutes to completely lose it and then beg to a God he wasn't sure existed that she would be ok. When he had wept and prayed, he pulled himself up and splashed some cold water on his face.
He grabbed his briefcase and coat and saw Lonny standing nearby.
"Just give me a second and I'll be ready to go" he told the bodyguard.
He walked into Mackenzie's office and found her where he had left her, in the corner of the room.
"Mac, are you ready to get out of here?" he asked quietly.
"Yeah" she whispered, looking around as if trying to remember where her things were.
"I've got your briefcase, where's your coat and purse?" he asked her.
She reached over toward the chair near her and grabbed the items. Will reached out a hand to her and pulled her up.
He helped her on with her coat and led her out the door. He saw the few remaining members of the staff watch curiously as they slowly made their way toward the elevators. He could tell Lonny wanted to say something as well, but the man was a professional and kept his opinion to himself, perhaps sensing that right now was not the time to make a teasing comment.
When they reached the car Will guided her to the backseat and joined her. She leaned heavily into his side and closed her eyes. He could feel her shaking.
"We headed home Will?" Lonny asked.
"Yeah Lonny. Could you turn up the heat a little too?" Will asked as he draped his coat over Mackenzie and pulled her into him.
The ride to his apartment building was mercifully brief and he roused Mac from her stupor and helped her from the car. She leaned heavily against him in the elevator and walked into his home slowly, as if on auto-pilot.
"Do you want something to eat Mackenzie?" he asked, watching as she sank into his sofa, still wearing her coat and holding her purse.
When she didn't answer he made his way over to the coffee table in front of her and sat on it. He pried her purse from her hands and forced her to look at him.
"Mac? Come on, let me take your coat and get you something to eat" he pleaded.
"I'm really not hungry" she said softly.
"When was the last time you ate?" he asked.
She looked around the room, suddenly seeming to realize where she was and what he was asking her.
"I don't know."
"Ok, I'm going to go find you something to change into. Then I'm going to heat up some soup and you're going to eat something before you try to get some sleep ok?"
She didn't answer, just nodded her head and stared at her hands.
Will went into his bedroom and looked through the drawers for something she wouldn't be swimming in. He found an old University of Nebraska t-shirt that had been washed and dried so many times it didn't really fit him anymore. He returned to the living room, shirt in hand, and looked around. She was standing over by the windows now.
"Mac? I brought you a shirt. Did you want to change?" She didn't respond. "Mackenzie?"
"I really love it here, you know" she said so quietly he almost couldn't hear her from the other side of the room.
"My apartment?" he asked.
"New York."
"I know you do." What the hell is she talking about, he wondered?
"If this is bad, I'd have to leave. My family is in England Will. There is nobody to help me here. And if I can't work, I'd lose my insurance. The NHS won't pay for my care if I stay in New York."
He was shocked she had thought this through so far into the future. She didn't even know if she had cancer yet and she was practically planning on going back to England to die.
"Stop it Mac! We don't even know what we're dealing with yet, so enough with visions of your deathbed in London. I'm not listening to that. And since when do you have nobody in New York to help you? What am I?" he practically yelled. She turned to look at him.
"You are a wonderful, caring man who I have hurt tremendously. You are a good friend Will, but I will not saddle you with my problems. I know you would willingly take them on, but I won't let you."
"Do I get a say in the matter?" he asked.
"No, you don't."
"Then what are you doing here Mackenzie? If I'm not going to be allowed to help you…to at least be your friend, or whatever the hell it is we are to each other these days, then what are you doing here?"
"You're right. I shouldn't have told you. I should go" she said, moving towards her purse and coat.
"Like hell you are. You think I'm going to sleep tonight knowing this? What time is your appointment tomorrow?"
"I'm sure I'll be in the office by noon Will."
"I didn't ask when you would be at work Mackenzie. I asked what time your appointment was."
For a moment, they seemed to be staring each other down, willing the other to give in first. Finally, she relented.
"Ten a.m." she said, standing a few feet away from him and looking for all the world like a lost little girl.
"I'll tell Lonny to be here at nine. Now, get your ass in the kitchen and eat something Mac."
She almost cracked a smile at that. Almost.
They sat quietly across from each other, sipping at their soup and lost in their thoughts.
"Did you want something to drink?" he asked. "Water, juice, wine?"
"Scotch" she answered succinctly.
"Mackenzie, I don't think getting drunk is going to help."
"Let's give it a try" she responded.
He walked over to the bar and poured them both a generous glass full of the amber liquid.
He returned to the kitchen to find it empty. "Mackenzie?" he shouted. Where the hell had she gone?
She returned to the living room dressed in his t-shirt and a giant pair of woolen socks he never had any use for. The things practically roasted his feet whenever he wore them, but she had always had feet like blocks of ice, so they were probably quite comfortable.
"Raided my sock drawer, huh?"
"I didn't really want to wear pantyhose the rest of the night, so yeah."
She curled up into a corner of the sofa that had once been her domain. He still didn't like anyone to sit there. He had gone on a date a few weeks after he and Mac had split and had nearly yelled at the poor woman when she dared to take that seat.
He looked at her there now and suddenly the years seemed to vanish. If he tried, he could pretend that the last few years hadn't even happened. Right now, he'd like to imagine the last few hours hadn't happened. He watched as she curled into herself, pulling the blanket that he kept thrown over the sofa around her.
"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked, timidly taking a seat several inches from her.
"Not really. What more is there to talk about until we have results?"
"I don't know. Is there a history of breast cancer in your family?" he asked, not sure he wanted the answer.
"My mum's sister. She died when she was thirty-eight. Now you can see why I wouldn't want to call my mother" she said flatly.
Oh my God, he thought. The same age as Mac. He very nearly choked on his scotch.
"Are you starting to see the full picture now Will? This isn't looking very hopeful is it?" she asked looking over at his shocked expression.
"That doesn't mean anything Mackenzie. Eighty percent of breast cancers are diagnosed in women who have no family history."
"You know this fact off the top of your head for what reason exactly?" she asked astonished.
"We did a story on genetic testing and breast cancer a few months before you came back to ACN. You know my memory…once something is in there it's nearly impossible to get it out. I really wish I had never heard that damn Spongebob Squarepants song. Why is it that my mind won't play The Beatles on a loop in my head when I can't sleep but instead tortures me with lyrics about a pineapple under the sea?"
He turned as Mackenzie began snorting from the other side of the sofa.
"It's not funny Mac. Do you know what it's like to hear that over and over again at two in the morning? It's enough to drive a man insane."
He watched happily as she began laughing hysterically, tears streaming down her face. At least he had done something useful. But then, suddenly, she wasn't laughing anymore. She was weeping openly.
"Mac? I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. Mackenzie?" he asked, alarmed at her sobbing now. He got up and moved closer to her, but was totally unprepared for the way she launched her body at him.
"Hey, it's ok. We'll figure it all out Mac. Whatever happens, I promise" he assured her, smoothing her hair down and rocking her gently. She nodded her head against him and her sobs began to slow. She leaned her head up and kissed his jaw. Before he even realized what was happening, she had turned herself so she was sitting astride him and was kissing him passionately. And he desperately did not want her to stop. But in all these months of push and pull between them… during their fights and battles, when he thought she had rejected him and then when he realized she hadn't, this was not how he had envisioned kissing Mackenzie McHale again. And it took every ounce of willpower he had to stop it.
"Mackenzie…stop. We can't do this. Not like this Mac" he told her as his hands framed her face and forced her to look at him. She looked almost as broken by that as she had by the possibility of cancer.
"I should go" she said, lifting herself off him. But he pulled her back down.
"No you shouldn't. We are going to get through this together, whatever it is. And then we deal with us, ok?"
She nodded her head.
"Let's try to get some sleep. Come on" he pushed her off his lap and then led her by the hand down the hallway.
He coaxed her into the bedroom and pulled back the covers of his bed and urged her to get in. He tucked the duvet around her and walked toward the bathroom to get changed. When he returned she was curled up in a ball watching as he moved about the room. She didn't move as he got into bed and wrapped himself around her.
Part of him relished the feeling of her in his arms…in his bed again. Then the reality of the situation would hit him and remind him why she was here.
"Will, you're crushing me" she whispered. It was then he realized how tightly he was holding on to her.
"Sorry" he replied.
"Will you come with me tomorrow?" she asked quietly.
"I already texted Jim and told him we'd both be late. Was that presumptuous of me?" he asked.
"No."
They laid silently for a few moments, unsure what to say next.
"When I was in Pakistan I used to wonder if it would affect you if something happened to me. Were you still too angry to care?"
He squeezed her tightly. "Stop right there Mackenzie. First of all, nothing is going to happen to you. Secondly, I don't give a shit what happens between us, I will always care what happens to you."
"I know. I always should have known" she told him.
"I can give you one of my Ambien if you want…to help you sleep?" he asked uncertainly.
"Thanks, but no. I'd really rather not fall into a drugged sleep full of who knows what kind of thoughts and dreams."
"I dreamt about being trapped in an elevator with Reese and Leona the last time I took it. They were singing the lyrics to 'How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying.' I swore I'd never touch the stuff again, so there's plenty."
"That's a ringing endorsement of the drug Will. God, I'll never try it now" she chuckled.
He scooted closer to her in bed and readjusted his arms around her. In doing so, he accidentally brushed the side of her breast and heard her quick intake of breath.
"Sorry" he mumbled.
"That's ok. It's not like we're not intimately familiar with each other Will. For God's sake, we're in bed together counting down the hours until we have to go to my breast biopsy. I think we can drop the shy virgin act."
"Yeah" he chuckled. Leave it to Mackenzie to get right down to brass tacks. "Does it hurt?" he asked her.
"No. I'm told it would be better news if it did. Then it would likely be an infection or an abscess. Who knew you were supposed to hope for breast pain?" she added ruefully.
"Who knew?" he agreed softly.
"Do you want to feel it?" she asked timidly.
"I'm not sure. Do you want me to?"
She responded by grabbing his hand and placing it on the outer edge of her right breast. Sure enough, he could feel a small, hard lump about the size and shape of a pea. It somehow made it that much more real, and his heart sank just a little. He really wanted to believe this was nothing. But now it wasn't nothing. It was real and solid and there, right beneath his fingers. He exhaled sharply.
"Yeah, that was about my reaction too. Followed by a few choice words shouted into the steam of my shower. Feel free to have the same response" she told him.
"Shit."
"That was the first word out of my mouth as well" she told him.
He pulled his hand away and wrapped his arms around her again. "It doesn't mean anything Mac. Not yet."
"I know. It's just a little too eerie for me…this happening to me at the same age that my aunt died. My mother used to tell me that every birthday that she passed after thirty-eight made her feel a little less worried that it would happen to her too. I'm sure she feels that way about me as well. It must be awful to watch your little girl and think there may be a ticking time bomb inside her. That's why I can't bear to tell her until I have to."
"Then we won't. Maybe there's nothing to tell Mac" he told her. He hoped he wasn't pushing her too much by using we. In his mind they were in this together no matter what happened.
"Ok" she yawned.
"Try to get some sleep Mackenzie. I set my alarm. I'll wake you" he reassured her.
"Keep talking. I don't want to feel like I'm alone" she pleaded.
What the hell should he talk about? He couldn't think of anything so he started rambling about the first thing that came into his head. "We hold these truths to be self-evident. That all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights. That among these rights are…"
"Will, are you really going to quote the entire Declaration of Independence to me?" she snorted.
"It was either that or 'Casey At The Bat' and I know how much you love baseball. I went with the Declaration. You can never go wrong with Thomas Jefferson, Mac. It should speak to your deep-seated patriotism."
She chuckled at little at that.
"Ok, Will. Keep going then" she whispered.
And he did. He recited damn near the whole Declaration of Independence, because he wasn't going to be falling asleep anytime soon. He swore that every time he got close, his hand would brush the side of her breast and like a magnet, he was drawn to that tiny little lump that could change his entire life, taking away the only woman he had ever loved before he even got a chance to love her again.
To Be Continued…