Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, places, plots etc from Pirates Of the Caribbean/Little Red Riding Hood. This was created purely for entertainment.
A/N: Hi guys! Whilst writing chapter four of How It Feels To Be Alone (Please Read! Ehe!), I had this amazing idea for a one shot spoof and just had to write it down! Cheers To Madi for The Apple Jokes! Hope you enjoy this, because it was really fun to write! :)
Cast List:
Little Red-and-Worn Tricornered Sailing Hat: Captain Jack Sparrow
Wolf: Captain Hector Barbossa
Grandma: Will Turner
Axe Man: Elizabeth Swann
Little Red-and-Worn Tricornered Sailing Hats Mother: Commodore James Norrington
Injured Squirrel: A Random Squirrel who has bad luck
Little Red-and-Worn Tricornered Sailing Hat:
Once upon a time, there was a little girl who lived in a raucous village near a large, scary, enchanted forest. Whenever, she went out, the little girl wore a red sailing hat, so everyone in the village called her Little Red-and-Worn Tricornered Sailing Hat. Her name was Jack.
One morning, Little Red-and-Worn Tricornered Sailing Hat told her mother James, that she was going to visit her grandmother Will, as it had been a long time since they'd conversed with each other, and she had no havoc to cause that day anyway...
"That's a spiffing idea!" James said in mock enthusiasm: keen to get rid of the pesky child. She was a troublemaker, you see, and was always frolicking with the most piratical stable boys of the village. James, however, upheld all of the morals of the community, and was deeply ashamed of her child. In an attempt to get rid of her for a few hours, she packed some effects for Little Red-and-Worn Tricornered Sailing Hat to take to her grandmother. As well as cakes, there were one small shiny coin on a necklace, a corset (for a suggesting reason completely unknown to Jack) and a bow and arrow kit for good measure!
When the basket was ready; Jack rushed upstairs to put on some kohl, her red hat on and one of her many skirts. She didn't enjoy wearing skirts, but since Will and James were – she couldn't really complain. Poor Hector, being a wolf he couldn't wear a thing! (A/N: Shudders), She went back downstairs, and then reluctantly kissed her mother goodbye. He thought that kissing the Commodore was horrible. As did nearly everyone who knew James.
"Remember, go straight to Grandma Will's house," her mother cautioned falsely. "Don't dawdle along the way and please do(n't) talk to strangers! The woods can be dangerous." She mused. Where betted place to send her child?
"Don't worry, mommy," said Little Red-and-Worn Tricornered Sailing Hat, carefully stressing the feminine word, "I'll be careful..."
As Jack skipped gaily through the haunted woods, she spotted a bottle of rum on the ground. Never passing up the chance of drinking underage, she grabbed the bottle, pulled out a shrieking previously stuck squirrel, and gulped it down in one swig. Once the end of the bottle was nigh, she spotted some girly flowers in the woods, which she thought would be perfect for Will...
She picked the pinkest of the amount, watched the butterflies flit about for a while then took out her compact mirror and donned some more kohl. The exaggerated look was so now!
She was enjoying the warm summer day so much – especially now that she was border lining on drunk - that she didn't notice a skeletal shadow approaching out of the forest behind her...
She put her precious mirror back into her pocket and a wolf wearing a large, feathered hat had magically appeared beside her! How Rare!
"What are you doing out here, little girl?" the wolf asked in a voice as friendly as he could muster. His name was Hector, and he would have smirked at Jack being called a girl, but he was standing in his 'birthday suit' and it was slightly revealing his old feller. Jack laughed – knowing full well why the wolf was standing awkwardly.
"I'm on my way to see my Grandma Will,' they both stopped and giggled then Little Red-and-Worn Tricornered Sailing Hat continued once he had regained composure, "she lives through the forest – in the cottage house." He waved his arm vaguely in the direction of his Grandmas house. (Which was a bad thing to do, kids!) And then told the wolf who his Grandma was.
After saying this, she realized not only how stupid she was, but how late she was, made a witty comment on how small and nippy his pride looked and quickly exited, rushing down the path to her Grandma's house in her infamous swagger.
The wolf, death-glared at Little Red-and-Worn Tricornered Sailing Hat through a telescope as she went into the distance and decided that she too, would go to Wills house. He, however, took a sneaky shortcut...
The wolf, a little out of breathe from running, arrived at Grandma Will's camp house and knocked sheepishly at the door. He already knew where Will lived, but had never thought of him as possible lunch. He was only doing this to be evil to Jack who had made nasty comments about his little feller. Of course, Chucky wasn't small...
"Yay! Come in! I was worried sick that something had happened to you in the forest," said Grandma Will thinking (for once...) that the knock was her naughty little granddaughter bringing her precious de-frizz shampoo.
The wolf let himself in. Poor Granny didn't even have time to say another swoon-endorsed word, before the wolf gobbled her up: burping out a sparkly hairbrush a few seconds later.
The wolf let out a satisfied burp (that smelt faintly of apples...), and then poked through Will's strangely feminine wardrobe to find a dress that he liked (with apples on it). He added a frilly sleeping cap that Will had convinced them a few years earlier was not his, and for good measure, dabbed some of Granny's apple-scented perfume behind his pointy yet un-elven ears.
As this happened Granny Will, lay unhappily in Hector the Wolves stomach, and then - shocked - banged on the stomach lining. 'How dare you tell me you'd lost weight on the Atkins diet! I see bread and potatoes and chocolate!' He paused, adjusted his face to a rod-up-the-arse-yet-macho look, and yelled, 'Barbossa you lying Bastard!' Will pouted sincerely and the innards of the wolf's stomach simpered.
Granny squealed as large chunks of Apple Core fell on to her perfectly placed hair; it was a very mean thing to do. 'No! My hair!' she shrieked and burst into tears, naturally...
Just then, Little Red-and-Worn Tricornered Sailing Hattapped on the door. 'Shh!' said the wolf to Will, who was looking frantically for the comb that the wolf had burped up earlier. Oh the irony...
The wolf jumped into Wills bed and pulled the Star Wars covers over his muzzle. As he breathed in all he could smell was apples. "Who is it?" he called in an unconvincing Will imitating tone.
"It's your granddaughter, Little Red-and-Worn Tricornered Sailing Hat." Slurred Jack, as per usual. She began to wonder what had happened to the wolf, but now being drunk, the thought flew out of her ear and hit a tree – causing the squirrel who was recovering from being stuck in a bottle to fall out and fracture a limb. Poor little dude...
"Oh how lovely! Do come in, my dear," croaked the wolf. He remembered the girl from earlier and thought that she would be nice company for her granny in his bulging tummy; which he enjoyed patting! Will, however, didn't like being patter.
When Little Red-and-Worn Sailing Hat entered the little cottage, she could scarcely recognize her Grandmother. There was no mirror in her hand, and her nose was all screwed up. She put it down to being slightly drunk.
'Hello, dear!' Said the wolf. He picked up something shiny from near-by to look even more the part.
"Grandma! Your voice sounds so much queerer than usual Is something the mater, eunuch?" she asked sniffing the air – it smelled like apples.
"Oh, I just have touch of a sea-cold," squeaked the wolf adding an apple-scented cough at the end to prove the point, 'and you should respect your elders!'
Jack raised her eyebrows, but thought nothing of it. He'd heard such comments from many people. "But Grandmother! What big ears you have," said Little Red-and-Worn Tricornered Sailing Hat as she edged closer to the bed. (Not that Will And Jack have ever been a slash or anything...)
"The better to hear you with, my dear," replied the wolf, thinking that if saying this had worked once: Jack would surely be fooled again.
"But Grandmother! What big eyes you have, surrounding by un-plucked eyebrows!" said Little Red-and-Worn Tricornered Sailing Hat significant that Will was always groomed to look gorgeous. (A/N: Swoon)
"The better to see you with, my dear," replied the wolf.
"But Grandmother! What big apple-scented teeth you have," said Little Red-and-worn Tricornered Sailing Hat, her voice quivering slightly.
"The better to eat you with, my dear," roared the wolf and he leapt out of the bed and began to chase the little girl.
Almost too late, Little Red-and-Worn Tricornered Sailing Hat realized that the person in the bed was not her Grandmother, but a hungry wolf, and muttered to herself, "That's very interesting."
She ran across the room and through the door, shouting, "Help! Wolf!" as loudly as she could. She even added in a few yelling's of 'Eek!' to attract more attention.
As if by magic, a burly and very male woodsman (named Elizabeth) who was chopping logs nearby heard her cry – and ran towards the cottage as fast as he could. Just like in the movies, babay!
He grabbed the wolf and made him spit out the poor Grandmother who was a bit frazzled by the whole experience, but still in one piece, even though the slobber on her favourite comb was too much to take.
"Oh Grandma, I was so scared!" sobbed Little Red-and-WornTricornered Sailing Hat, "I'll never speak to strangers or dawdle in the forest drinking rum again. If I'm sober anyway"
"It's okay, child. Just feel lucky that you shouted loud enough for this useful and definitely male woodsman to hear you!" Will patted Jack on the head and smiled. Jack smiled back and Elizabeth gagged. She didn't realize she was being called a man.
Trying to divert attention from the cutesy moment which was going to occur, the woodsman swung the axe around over her heads and squealed as it flew out of her hands at hit the poor injured squirrel. The squirrel also squealed, as he was now injured three times and had an axe through his body, but nobody noticed and Granny went over and pulled the axe out of the tree, squirrel indented and severely bleeding.
He knocked out the wolf with one swift blow. It reminded him of a time in which he cavorted about plains killing giant pigs, but didn't know where that memory was coming form.
Now sulking, Elizabeth carried him deep into the forest where he wouldn't bother people any longer - unless his pet monkey came from a pond and took a big scary looking gold coin from a big chest that's cursed, of course...
Everything was happy, The Wolf was dead, The Axe man was eating gingerbread, James had got rid of his daughter for a few hours and got to curl his wig, and Little Red-and-Worn Tricornered Sailing Hat and her Grandmother had a nice lunch and a long chat; mostly about which type of kohl went best with oh so manly headgear. How interesting...
A/N: Hope you enjoyed! Was it good? Bad? Ugly? Don't forget to review on the way out and tell me :)
Afro Stacey xXx
PS: I meant no offence to Will, Elizabeths, James or Jacks sexuality...really...