Title: Tears of the Heart
Fandom: Dance Academy
Pairing/Character(s): Tara Webster; Tara/Christian
Spoilers: All of season 1 and 2. If you haven't seen the full of season two then I suggest you not read.
Summary: I've never known this lost before.
I need some distraction,
Oh, beautiful release.
Memories seep from my veins.
Let me be empty,
Oh, and weightless,
And maybe I'll find some peace tonight.
Sarah Mclachlan, "Angel"
I've never known this lost before. Animals die on the farm, and while I'm sad, I know it's a part of life. I guess that is the way I've always seen it: life. But something about this time is different. Maybe because the thing I lost wasn't a fuzzy sheep or a helpful dog. I never thought in a million years that Sammy would be dead. He's the last person I ever expected to be gone completely from my life. When I thought of the future, Sammy always stood beside me with that bright smile of his. And now knowing that I would never see that smile again caused an ache in my chest. It twisted and turned, making the whole deeper with each passing moment. I miss him. I miss him because he is (was) my friend. I miss him because he never judged me. Not during the time when Ethan and I had our problems; or when Christian broke up with me. He never said a thing. He simply smiled that Sammy smile, before distracting me with some random fact. Knowing now that I won't ever see that smile again, only frozen in pictures, caused a tear to slip down the slope of my cheek.
"You shouldn't be out here without something on," a soft familiar voice said from behind me. I smiled when he draped the blanket over my shoulder.
"Thank you," I said to Christian when he sat next to me. His leg pressed against mine. The feeling of his skin against mine felt comforting and familiar.
"I couldn't sleep," Christian admitted. He grabbed my hand, and interlocked our fingers. I'm not sure what it meant, but it felt good. He reached over with his other hand, and wiped the fallen tear from my face. "I miss him, too."
"I didn't even get to say goodbye," I cried. I couldn't look at Christian. If I did, I would see the pain in my eyes mirrored in his own. Instead, I focused on the water. I watched as it swished and swayed in the wind. "And I keep thinking about how he was alone. Was he scared? Was he in any pain?"
"I should have been here," Christian said lowly. He held on tighter to my hand for comfort. "I was supposed to run with him."
I could see him going to the place. That place that made him feel as though if he were there he could have somehow prevented it all from happening. He couldn't think that way; none of us could. Because the moment we did, we'd lose ourselves completely to the grief. We'd drown and struggle and fight to survive against it.
I stood up, and pulled him with me, letting the blanket cascade to the ground. "Come with me." I lead him down the river walk and toward the edge.
"What are we doing?" he whispered. Although it's the end of term, we still weren't allowed to be out this late. Miss Raine wouldn't discipline us, I knew that much, but it's sort of hard to break habits.
"At the beginning for first year Kat and I jumped into the water," I explained, remembering back on that time. It seemed like so long ago in a world where I had everything; where I had Sammy.
"You think we should jump in," He concluded with a smile.
I looked over at him and returned it. We stripped down to our underwear. Normally, I would have been embarrassed to be in front of Christian like this, especially since we were no longer dating. But at the moment I could care less. I didn't mind that fact I was outside in the freezing cold in just my underwear. I felt like I needed to do this. Like I needed to recreate this moment for Sammy because I knew he would have liked it.
He kept hold of my hand as we jumped down into the water. The burst of cold against my skin felt amazing. When I came up for air, Christian had already come up. His eyes shined as he looked at me. We've had problems in the past, but I still soft of miss him. When we dated, Christian and I were able to have the most random conversations. Sometimes it would be about the world and placed we wanted to travel. Other times it would be about a song that we both remembered from childhood. Our relationship was able to be carefree and light; other times it was complicated and hard to manage. If we could have somehow stuck through the bad times together, I honestly think we could have been something wonderful.
"I'm sorry," he said snapping me back to reality. "For everything."
"It's fine," I said, and it really was. There's no point in being upset now. I didn't expect him to kiss me but he did. His lips felt soft and sweet against mine; familiar. It comforted me, sending s delicious spark down my spine. I didn't expect the kiss to change thing between us, and I honestly wasn't sure if I even wanted it to. For now, I just wanted to exist in a moment where I didn't feel like crying, and at the moment, Christian provided that for me.