The Haunts Of The Mansion

Welcome, foolish mortals,

I am your ghostly guide;

The lord and master of this Haunted Mansion,

Where spirits and ghouls reside.

If you are looking to meet haunts,

Then no further do you need to seek;

There are 999 ghosts in this Haunted Mansion,

Where spooks and spectres shriek.

Come in and meet some of our residents;

Don't be shy, step on in;

They've all been 'dying' to meet you,

With their ghoulish grimaces and grins.

There's Widow Patecleaver, who quarreled with her husband,

Even after 43 years of being wed;

Instead of trying to work things out,

With an axe, she decided to part his head.

Another haunt is William Dowsand,

A shrewd businessman who worked for a bank;

He met his demise with his two friends on a trip;

When they stumbled into quicksand and quickly sank.

Mr. Alexander Nitrokoff is a pompous fellow;

An ambassador who argues that he's always right;

His brash attitude led to his death though,

After his rival lit a keg of dynamite.

And Miss Lily Equipoes, our tightrope walker,

Is a beautiful young woman with a bright smile;

She met her end after her tightrope came undone,

And fell into a river filled with crocodiles.

There's also our medium, Madame Leota,

Who materializes other spirits with her call;

She has a remarkable head for contacting the disembodied;

Since she is nothing but a head within her crystal ball.

And our bride forever wanders the attic;

Jilted after her groom got cold feet;

She eternally waits for him,

With her heart still continuing to beat.

Some more of our active residents,

Love to throw celebrations;

In the grand hall there's always a party,

No matter what's the occasion.

At the dining table;

Scattered with food that has suffered from decay;

Some of our spooks celebrate every night,

One of our resident's birthdays.

A couple of spirits also seem tipsy,

After drinking glasses of wine galore;

Some like to sit on the chandelier,

While another prefers to be passed out on the floor.

And the organist plays away,

At this grim, little jubilee;

While some of the spooks waltz,

To his strange, haunting melody.

Meanwhile, the Sewell brothers try to finish a duel,

That neither has won;

They're always making bullet holes in the wall;

Constantly firing off their guns.

And out in the graveyard,

In the dark and the gloom;

More of our residents enjoy having parties,

Or sleeping uncomfortably in their tombs.

The Phantom Five, a group of singing busts,

Croon each night at the midnight spree;

While the mummy, and some British spooks,

Surround a hearse and have tea.

And our opera singers, Brunhilde and Siegfried,

Love to perform in Viking costume and gear;

Just be sure that when you attend a concert,

You bring something to cover your ears.

There's our resident knight, Sir Frederick,

Who died after taking a chivalrous stand;

He refused to follow the King's orders;

Now he holds his head in his hand.

And our three hitchhikers - Phineas, Ezra, and Gus,

Are always looking for another place to roam;

They're always trying to hitch a ride,

And follow somebody home.

Phineas is a friendly and jolly fellow;

While Gus is slightly bizarre and strange;

And Ezra is a sly and devious con-man,

Who might steal your money and change.

And before you leave, you must meet Little Leota;

She helps invite new residents;

She's head of the Ghost Relations Department,

And oversees the death certificates and rents.

And now my dear friend,

I'm afraid I must go;

Please come back, and tell your friends,

If they'll believe your story, though.

And, remember, when your mortal state expires,

In here, we always have room for one more;

We're always looking for more spirits;

Just be sure to leave your body at the door.