SECOND FALL
by Void
"...So you're still too tired to stand?"
No, though he had been just a short while before. Tomoe was right to ask. "Not really... I'm just going to rest a little longer." Rest, and then resume the atonement he had taken up since the crimes of the revolution, since the crime against his soul. "It's been fifteen years since that snowy day. I've been wielding the sword ever since."
She watched him, her expression inscrutable. "...I know."
"And I'm most likely going to keep on using it." It wasn't just atonement, though. It wasn't just a burden. It was his purpose - to protect the innocent. It was the only thing he had left to live for, and it had to be enough.
A hint of a smile graced her lips. "I know."
Kenshin watched her, wondering. She still understood him. After all this time, it was like she had never left him, like he had never destroyed her. And even back then, he had wondered, had never been able to figure out how she could stand to be near him. "You finally smiled."
"Yes . . . When you smile, the me inside of you is always smiling."
"Really?" It seemed... too simple... but no, it made perfect sense. The real Tomoe had died long ago. He carried only his memory of her with him, a fantasy shaped by his own hopes and fears.
"Yes," she reasserted. "It's always been that way. Take care of Enishi. The me inside of him probably isn't smiling right now. And after that..."
Take care of Enishi. Of course, Enishi's memory of Tomoe would reflect his own feelings, his own rage. Kenshin felt a burden lift from his heart - Enishi's words were not necessarily true. He might not have known his sister any better than Kenshin himself had. Something wrong with 'taking care' of him though, some reason to avoid thinking too hard on Enishi at all... But Tomoe had been about to say more. "What?"
"After that... After that, the girl who's most longed to see your smile is waiting for you. Wake up and go to her."
No, everything was all right. Kaoru was waiting for him. Those other horrible images... hadn't been real... a nightmare....
The relief of utter despair almost overwhelmed him. For moments, he couldn't see or hear, everything was made unrecognizable by such Joy. Then the world came into focus. He was awake and sitting up, and he was really awake, because it wasn't just existence it was Life again.
She was waiting for him.
He threw on his clothes, ignoring the pain in his body, and set out to find the others. If they weren't there, he would have left on his own, found out the location somehow... There. Sounds of eating - slow, quiet. He slid open the door and saw Megumi, Sano, Yahiko, Tsubame, all solemn, all sad.
"I'm sorry to have caused you so much trouble. But I'm all right now. Now let's go. We have to find Kaoru-dono!"
They stared at him; the initial surprise on their faces turned slowly into horror, misery, disbelief.
A feeling like death gripped his insides. "No.... No.... Tomoe told me..." He watched tears come into their eyes, a flash of anger from Yahiko, Tsubame already beginning to sob. He remembered - the dojo. White plum scent. Blood on her face, a.... sword... through her chest. "No... No..."
"Oh, Ken-san... Not twice. Don't do this to yourself a second time." The doctor's cheeks were wet, her eyes heartbroken.
Kenshin slumped against the wall. He remembered it all now. The dream had dissipated. Before his eyes - her blood, her empty gaze. "I'm sorry, everyone," he mumbled. Death in her beautiful eyes, all the essense of her gone. "I've been selfish, ne? I've been trying to escape." As limp and powerless as a doll... she had always been in control of her body, vibrant, strong. "I... have to live. This is my punishment."
He thought of all the happiness he could have given her if he had just been more honest. All the pain he could have saved her from if he had left the moment he knew that he wanted her. A lifetime of regret ahead of him, every moment agony. Because worse than the regrets would be the memories - the breezy way she said his name, turning it into an endearment. The love that had brimmed out of her that he had never, ever deserved...
"I'll help you now. I'll do what you want me to do." He would stop Enishi, by granting him victory if nothing else. Yes, you have crushed my soul. His friends deserved to be safe. They deserved revenge. Enishi had stolen her from them as well, and they weren't at fault in the slightest.
"Kenshin..." Sano, trying to sound confident. "It will get better. Jou-chan wouldn't want you like this."
"We won't force you to go after Enishi, Kenshin." Megumi. His name sounded hard, coming from her. It demanded attention. "But you must try to move on. It isn't fair to Kaoru if you continue to wallow in despair."
"Yeah, and it isn't fair to us." Yahiko, being bratty. Kenshin noticed that, as usual, he tried to cover up his hurt with anger. Kaoru would have seen right through it... they all did... but Kaoru knew how to act to make people feel better.
"Aa... You're right, Yahiko. I'm sorry." For the first time, he glanced up, looked Yahiko in the eye. He remembered, the other time he had woken up, Tsubame begging him, Yahiko in pain. "We'll all have to help each other, then, to get through it." He would make it up to the boy, to all of them. He would try to deserve their acceptance of him after he had abandoned them all.
It did make him feel better, to see the hints of smiles, the relief on their faces. He would be there for them, in heart as well as body. The chasm in his soul still called to him, the pain that was waiting for him and would always wait for him. Even now, as he was smiling slightly, sadness loomed in his mind. An image of Kaoru, smiling brightly, a hint of regret... But he would be there for the living. He would always protect the ones he loved.
=================================
Author's Notes: Almost-uplifting ending?! I think me and my muse need to have a little chat... But anyway, the inspiration for this story was that Kenshin believed Kaoru was alive because 1) a ghost, who had pretty much admitted she was a figment of his imagination, told him so in a dream and 2) a snippet of overheard conversation. Doesn't hold much water, if you ask me. So I figured, what if he was wrong?
And I was all set to just roll around in angst like the hedonist sadist pig I am... but then Yahiko had his abandonment deal... I just couldn't leave him hanging. I always felt real bad for Yahiko during the Revenge Arc. Ah well. Maybe one day I'll squash my miniscule bit of compassion and rewrite this the way I had intended, Yahiko's feelings be damned.
The manga translation I got from Maigo-chan's - http://www.maigo-chan.org/ruroken.htm
Er... what else? This is my first published fic. I'm working on an Akira/Tomoe one but we just won't get into my muse issues there, ok?
Oh, and please forgive spelling/grammar mistakes. I'm really tired and I just want to get this thing uploaded and then go to bed.................... will look over it......... later........ ugh.... and forgive stupid title, too. same reason. and... the ending, while we're at it. ;}
by Void
"...So you're still too tired to stand?"
No, though he had been just a short while before. Tomoe was right to ask. "Not really... I'm just going to rest a little longer." Rest, and then resume the atonement he had taken up since the crimes of the revolution, since the crime against his soul. "It's been fifteen years since that snowy day. I've been wielding the sword ever since."
She watched him, her expression inscrutable. "...I know."
"And I'm most likely going to keep on using it." It wasn't just atonement, though. It wasn't just a burden. It was his purpose - to protect the innocent. It was the only thing he had left to live for, and it had to be enough.
A hint of a smile graced her lips. "I know."
Kenshin watched her, wondering. She still understood him. After all this time, it was like she had never left him, like he had never destroyed her. And even back then, he had wondered, had never been able to figure out how she could stand to be near him. "You finally smiled."
"Yes . . . When you smile, the me inside of you is always smiling."
"Really?" It seemed... too simple... but no, it made perfect sense. The real Tomoe had died long ago. He carried only his memory of her with him, a fantasy shaped by his own hopes and fears.
"Yes," she reasserted. "It's always been that way. Take care of Enishi. The me inside of him probably isn't smiling right now. And after that..."
Take care of Enishi. Of course, Enishi's memory of Tomoe would reflect his own feelings, his own rage. Kenshin felt a burden lift from his heart - Enishi's words were not necessarily true. He might not have known his sister any better than Kenshin himself had. Something wrong with 'taking care' of him though, some reason to avoid thinking too hard on Enishi at all... But Tomoe had been about to say more. "What?"
"After that... After that, the girl who's most longed to see your smile is waiting for you. Wake up and go to her."
No, everything was all right. Kaoru was waiting for him. Those other horrible images... hadn't been real... a nightmare....
The relief of utter despair almost overwhelmed him. For moments, he couldn't see or hear, everything was made unrecognizable by such Joy. Then the world came into focus. He was awake and sitting up, and he was really awake, because it wasn't just existence it was Life again.
She was waiting for him.
He threw on his clothes, ignoring the pain in his body, and set out to find the others. If they weren't there, he would have left on his own, found out the location somehow... There. Sounds of eating - slow, quiet. He slid open the door and saw Megumi, Sano, Yahiko, Tsubame, all solemn, all sad.
"I'm sorry to have caused you so much trouble. But I'm all right now. Now let's go. We have to find Kaoru-dono!"
They stared at him; the initial surprise on their faces turned slowly into horror, misery, disbelief.
A feeling like death gripped his insides. "No.... No.... Tomoe told me..." He watched tears come into their eyes, a flash of anger from Yahiko, Tsubame already beginning to sob. He remembered - the dojo. White plum scent. Blood on her face, a.... sword... through her chest. "No... No..."
"Oh, Ken-san... Not twice. Don't do this to yourself a second time." The doctor's cheeks were wet, her eyes heartbroken.
Kenshin slumped against the wall. He remembered it all now. The dream had dissipated. Before his eyes - her blood, her empty gaze. "I'm sorry, everyone," he mumbled. Death in her beautiful eyes, all the essense of her gone. "I've been selfish, ne? I've been trying to escape." As limp and powerless as a doll... she had always been in control of her body, vibrant, strong. "I... have to live. This is my punishment."
He thought of all the happiness he could have given her if he had just been more honest. All the pain he could have saved her from if he had left the moment he knew that he wanted her. A lifetime of regret ahead of him, every moment agony. Because worse than the regrets would be the memories - the breezy way she said his name, turning it into an endearment. The love that had brimmed out of her that he had never, ever deserved...
"I'll help you now. I'll do what you want me to do." He would stop Enishi, by granting him victory if nothing else. Yes, you have crushed my soul. His friends deserved to be safe. They deserved revenge. Enishi had stolen her from them as well, and they weren't at fault in the slightest.
"Kenshin..." Sano, trying to sound confident. "It will get better. Jou-chan wouldn't want you like this."
"We won't force you to go after Enishi, Kenshin." Megumi. His name sounded hard, coming from her. It demanded attention. "But you must try to move on. It isn't fair to Kaoru if you continue to wallow in despair."
"Yeah, and it isn't fair to us." Yahiko, being bratty. Kenshin noticed that, as usual, he tried to cover up his hurt with anger. Kaoru would have seen right through it... they all did... but Kaoru knew how to act to make people feel better.
"Aa... You're right, Yahiko. I'm sorry." For the first time, he glanced up, looked Yahiko in the eye. He remembered, the other time he had woken up, Tsubame begging him, Yahiko in pain. "We'll all have to help each other, then, to get through it." He would make it up to the boy, to all of them. He would try to deserve their acceptance of him after he had abandoned them all.
It did make him feel better, to see the hints of smiles, the relief on their faces. He would be there for them, in heart as well as body. The chasm in his soul still called to him, the pain that was waiting for him and would always wait for him. Even now, as he was smiling slightly, sadness loomed in his mind. An image of Kaoru, smiling brightly, a hint of regret... But he would be there for the living. He would always protect the ones he loved.
=================================
Author's Notes: Almost-uplifting ending?! I think me and my muse need to have a little chat... But anyway, the inspiration for this story was that Kenshin believed Kaoru was alive because 1) a ghost, who had pretty much admitted she was a figment of his imagination, told him so in a dream and 2) a snippet of overheard conversation. Doesn't hold much water, if you ask me. So I figured, what if he was wrong?
And I was all set to just roll around in angst like the hedonist sadist pig I am... but then Yahiko had his abandonment deal... I just couldn't leave him hanging. I always felt real bad for Yahiko during the Revenge Arc. Ah well. Maybe one day I'll squash my miniscule bit of compassion and rewrite this the way I had intended, Yahiko's feelings be damned.
The manga translation I got from Maigo-chan's - http://www.maigo-chan.org/ruroken.htm
Er... what else? This is my first published fic. I'm working on an Akira/Tomoe one but we just won't get into my muse issues there, ok?
Oh, and please forgive spelling/grammar mistakes. I'm really tired and I just want to get this thing uploaded and then go to bed.................... will look over it......... later........ ugh.... and forgive stupid title, too. same reason. and... the ending, while we're at it. ;}