blanket disclaimer: I don't own anything that's owned by someone else.
author's note: hey guys! so I know I haven't been very good with updating my other stories, but here I am with some sasusaku humor for sasusaku month. I know, I'm so bad. (dodges rotten tomatoes)
summary: sakura reviews her relationship with sasuke based on astrology and manages to convince sasuke that astrology isn't /all/ bullshit.
inspiration: tumblr and my inability to stay away from horoscopes. enjoy!
rating: T for implied sex and sex compatibilities between the horoscopes (eww~).
warning: crack-ish. XD includes a childish!Sakura and a horny!Sasuke.
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astrologamy:
(n). astrology + monogamy
syn. to wumbology, the study of wumbo
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"Sasuke-kun, your birthday's the twenty-third of July, right?"
Sasuke mentally rolled his eyes and sighed. "You should know," he replied to his fiancée as he flipped through his police reports, adjusting his reading glasses when they slipped down the elegant bridge of his nose.
His retort was met with a half-hearted smack to the arm.
Sasuke smirked.
Despite his feigned annoyance towards Sakura, he honestly cherished the Sunday mornings they spent together, considering how his job seemed to swallow up most of their would be intimacy time and, as a result, led Sakura to pine about how he never seemed to make enough time for her. However, after catching hold of an infamous criminal (no matter how trivial the criminal seemed in Sasuke's eyes), his boss decided that a vacation would be a proper reward for Sasuke.
Out of the corner of his eyes, he watched as Sakura toyed around with her new laptop, chewing on her lip as her eyes searched the screen before her.
When it seemed she found what she was looking for, her face brightened. "Oh my God, Sasuke, you're a Leo!"
Come again?
Sasuke took off his reading glasses and turned to her, quirking an eyebrow. "What are you going on about now?"
" 'The Leo man is a man of pride in his family,'" Sakura read from the screen of her monitor. " 'He's a man who wants admiration and a runway model hanging off his arm. His standards can be way too high, but try to tell that to him.'"
A realization dawned on Sasuke. A corner of his lip twitched in amusement. "You actually believe in that wumbo-jumbo astrology stuff?"
"Well, that first part was true," Sakura said, laughing. "Sometimes I think you're a bit too obsessed with family; almost to the point where it makes me feel like a baby maker," she teased.
Sasuke smirked. "Like I hear you complaining."
Sakura swatted at him, her cheeks beet red. "Shut up." She returned her eyes to her monitor and continued to read. " 'The Leo man is a man of pure romance'"—this earned her a snort from Sasuke—" 'dedicated to searching for the ultimate romantic legacy his posterity will carry for him.'"
Sakura turned to him and gave him a smirk that looked much more devious than his own. "Yeah, Sasuke, you're supposed to be this romantic Prince Charming—how come you don't treat me to candle light dinners every Tuesday night?"
"Bullshit."
She stuck her tongue out at him. "According to the website, you're also needy for confirmations of love on my part."
Sasuke had long set his police report papers down. He settled him chin on his elbow as he lay on his side beside Sakura, glaring at the monitor. "What does that even mean?"
"It means this; observe!"
In an exaggerated display of affection, Sakura clasped her hands together and batted her eyelashes. "Oh, Sasuke-kun~! You're so strong and manly! Every single night, you make me swoon in your arms~!" She gave a damsel in distress sigh and "fainted" onto her pillow before bursting into fits of giggles and kissing her moping fiancé on his cheek as he mumbled for her to shut the hell up.
"Hey!" she cried out when he snatched her laptop out of her grasp and quickly typed in her birthday along with the words zodiac sign.
Sasuke clicked on the first link that popped up. "Ah, it says here that you're an Aries." Scanning the page, he read: " 'The Aries woman is governed by fire, and like other fire signs, an Aries woman is passionate. She is often the seducer in the game of love, but her partner and lover has to be strong and a match for her own personality or she will lose interest.'"
He handed her back her laptop. "You sound like a manly sign to me."
"Am not!"
"Hn."
Sasuke leaned over her and read over her shoulder: " 'She wants someone who can go head-to-head, whether or dinner or between the sheets'"—this prompted a heavy blush from Sakura—" 'She likes to get her own way, and arguments are often the Arian version of foreplay—'"
"Alright, that's enough!" Sakura said, snatching away her laptop monitor from Sasuke's prying eyes.
Sasuke smirked before leaning down to murmur in her ear. "Be careful—if you get too worked up, it might lead to some sex."
"Sh-Shut up!" Sakura batted him away with the back of her laptop, annoyed when he managed to dodge her violent attacks.
"Fiesty," he deadpanned before plopping back down to his pillow. He was about to roll over and take a nice, relaxing nap when he heard her fingers clacking at the keys again. Rolling onto his side, Sasuke gave a stoic stare, his lips forming a very straight line at the words Aries Woman and Leo Man Love Compatibility in the Google search engine. "Sakura," he said as she clicked the top link, "don't believe everything you read; it's all urgle burgle—"
"I'm going to pretend like you never said that, Sasu-cakes." She cleared her throat before silently reading the page, Sasuke watching her every eye movement.
It wasn't when she started hyperventilating and fanning herself that he sat himself up, a bit alarmed.
"Sakura—?"
"Here, read this, read this!"
She shoved her laptop into his hands and sat there, her hands balled into excited little fists as she flailed about in excitement.
Stifling a sigh, Sasuke scanned the page. 'An Aries woman is a companion to him who has equal passion and strength in her personality. Due to the dominance of the Leo man, she typically surrenders which she can never do for any other man. She fulfills all his dreams and gives him a (very appreciated) challenge), worshipping him in all his being as long as he, in return, gives her the respect and honor she deserves. Their relationship is beautifully crafted, a bond between a delicate damsel and a dynamic duke…'
"Didja read it, didja read it?" She bounced upon the bed and giggled again. "See, it called you a dominatrix."
"… you're an egotistical brat, according to them."
Sakura puffed her cheeks. "Well, you're full of yourself!"
"You're a child."
"You're a blunt bastard!"
Sasuke tossed her laptop to another unforeseen part of their bedroom. "According to that astrology crap, we also have mad sex."
It didn't take another moment for Sakura to throw herself at him.
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"You realize that we had my form of foreplay, right, Sasuke-kun?" Sakura murmured against his (naked, unf) chest.
He grunted.
"So you'll admit that astrology isn't all mumbo-jumbo, right?"
Another grunt.
She snuggled up against him and gave an exaggerated sigh. "I must say, that was the most exhilarating sexual intercourse I've ever engaged in! How steamy, how uncouth of me, as an innocent little Ram—"
"This little ram won't be innocent after I ram into her some more," said a muffled Sasuke with his face down in the pillow.
That made Sakura blush herself into silence.
"… so does this mean you ship Aries and Leo now?"
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author's note: bwhahaha. awesome right? yeah. I've always loved Aries/Leo. Especially since Sasuke and Sakura are involved, haha.
parts of the astrological signs are excerpts from websites that I've borrowed from, like ; ; and . check them out if you're interested in astrology. c:
b-t-dubs, I also based Sakura's excited flailing/spasming state off of my own flailing/excited/spasming state. Just in case you wanted to know.
reviews?