I was sitting in the Formal Pond Garden of Dreadful Night at Death's House, with the man himself (Death) enjoying a late evening tea. We where sitting a round a small round black table. Every now and then Albert would pop up as if from nowhere and offer us more tea or scones or curry or éclairs. As I was eating I was reading Angels and Demons, one of Deaths books that were happening down on earth. Death sat across the table from me, looking at the hourglasses. As I looked up from my book I noticed he looked rather glum. Staring at one of the hourglasses.
"What's wrong?" I asked, quite puzzled by how was acting.
OH NOTHING. JUST THIS. He passed me the hourglass he had been staring at. It had very little sand in but when I saw the name I was in shock!
"Death? Is this really?" He nodded sadly.
"But how? Why? When?"
YOU ARE THE ONE READING THE BOOK! DON'T YOU KNOW! IN EXZACTLY 5 MINUTES!
I jumped up to my feet. "Death call Albert! Tell him to saddle up Binky! We leave in two minutes!"
BUT DAWN WE CAN'T…
"You did it with Albert! One more is going to do you any harm!"
BUT…
"Come on! Come on! No time to lose!"
YOU ARE SO ANNOYING!
"Please Death we have to save him!"
ALRIGHT FINE!
"Thank you!" I gave him a quick hug (which felt really strange) "And get Albert to get water and some ashes! Not a lot mind! Only a handful… or maybe two."
10 minutes later (you may be thinking 'What? But you're too late he's dead by now… twice!' but no! You see time doesn't pass here) I met Death at the stable. Albert came running along with a bag of ashes and a large sealed bucket of water. "Ok!" I said "Let's go!"
FINE!
Death jumped up on to Binky (Well he didn't really jump… actually I'm not sure what he did just one minute he was on the ground the next on the horse) and I clambered up.
Binky gave a quick swish of his head and we where off.
WHERE ARE WE GOING AGAIN?
"The Vatican City! And hurry!"
In the Balcony looking over St. Peter's square Camerlengo Carlo Ventresca stood. He was covered in strong smelling oils. Below in St. Peter's square people where singing. "This is the end" he muttered. Slowly he put his hand in his pocket and felt the cold metal of the golden lighter "No more. The end". He looked upwards, towards the heavens. What he saw shocked him. "A white horse?" he whispered. Then he saw the rider, a skeleton dressed in a black cloak. There was also a woman riding behind him. "Oh great" he murmured "The Apocalypse!" He positioned his thumb
Above St. Peter's Square Death and I rode down towards the Camerlengo "Are you sure people won't see us? It's been a pretty exciting day for them! I'm sure they're ready to believe anything!"
I DON'T THINK SO
Suddenly I saw Carlo go up in flames! "Death! Hurry!" Binky broke into a fast canter and I was in reaching distance of Carlo's hand. "Carlo!" I shouted "Grab my hand!" The Camerlengo looked on the brink of consciousness, but at the sound of this name looked up at me. I got the feeling that he thought we where here to deliver him to the next world. He grabbed on and we galloped further away from St. Peters leavening a trail of ash behind us.
I searched through Binky's (seemly endless) saddle bag (yet I've no idea how it was attached as there was no saddle). I quickly found the water bucket. Quickly ripping the lid off I threw the water over Carlo. This managed not only to get rid of the flames it also brought him back to consciousness. "Ho confessato i miei sins! Così sto andando a cielo! Destra?" He spoke in quick Italian. I looked at Death "What did he say?"
HOW SHOULD I KNOW?
Binky touched down easily in the stables. I jumped off easily and helped the confused Carmelengo down too. Death clicked his skeletal fingers in Carlo's face.
WE NO SPEAK ITALIEN. WE SPEAK EN-GA-LISH.
"Death! He's not stupid! He's just confused!" I snapped. Carlo looked around, obviously completely confused. "I-is this hell?" He asked finally.
OH THANKS A LOT! I SPENT A LOT OF TIME TRYING TO GET IT TO LOOK RIGHT!
"Well it can't be heaven" He said still looking around "I imagined hell would have more flames and stuff and..." He looked Death up and down "You don't look like the devil to me. Neither do you" He said to me.
"That's because he's not the devil and neither am I!" I explained "And this isn't hell it's Death's house"
"Death's house?" he looked confused "Death has a house? Why I am I here?"
"We saved you! Now you can live here forever!"
"But I don't want to live forever. I need to be dead to be a saint!"
I KNEW THIS WAS A BAD IDEA.
"Shut up! Look everyone on earth thinks you're dead, so you can be a saint without the unpleasantness of actually having to be dead!"
"I don't think God would be very happy about this!"
I sighed and looked at Death for help. I'VE TALKED TO GOD AND HE SAYS IT'S OK.
"You know God?" asked Carlo
I'M DEATH! I TALK TO HIM ALL THE TIME!
"Can I meet God?"
NO I'M SORRY THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE.
"Why?"
ER… Death looked around for help. ER…CAUSE… ER…YOU'RE NOT QUITE IMPORTANT ENOUGH YET.
"Oh. Well goodbye then." Said Carlo calmly. He strolled over to the fish pond and dunked his head in the water.
"Death do something!" I screamed.
DON'T WORRY said Death JUST WATCH.
We stood watching Carlo with his head under water for about a quarter of an hour. Finally he brought his head back up and turned to us. "Why am I not dead?"
THAT'S JUST AN IMATATION OF WATER NOT REAL WATER! LOOK YOUR HAIR'S NOT EVEN WET!
Carlo reached up a hand to his hair. "Completely dry" he murmured "This must be hell!"