Warning: Follows cliché of small house, many members but the Akatsuki are asking for it! Rated T for swearing and sexual situations.
It was a perfectly nice day outside yet Pein and Kakuzu were stuck inside doing taxes. Running an evil organization is no easy task, mind you. One needs to pay employee's wages, medical compensation, damages to families they broke apart through extreme means to obtain 'peace' and rent. Needless to say, these two killers were up to their evil necks in paperwork. As Kakuzu was going through the monthly spending, it dawned on him that the Akatsuki were spending more than they were making. This, in economic terms, is called an imbalance where one imports more than they export. When Kakuzu realized this fatal error and suffered a heart attack. Always a fighter, he carried on in his duties. Once he realized there was nothing they could cut costs on, he suffered yet another heart attack. Pein looked over at his companion and dismissed him for medical reasons. Kakuzu refused until he figured out how to solve their dilemma. He came up with the most ingenious idea his senile mind has ever thought of.
"A bikini car wash," Kakuzu said proudly. If you ask Pein about this 'ingenious idea' he would tell you something along the lines of what's a car? Crazy as the idea was, it inspired Pein to come up with his own half-assed money scheme, the Akatsuki were getting into the sex industry! This may seem crazy now, but at the time it was compared against a bikini car wash. Where one, cars didn't exist, and two, you were more likely to see Pein in a bikini before the only female member agreed to get in one. So it was decided!
Hidan, of course, flatly refused and, like always, blamed his religion. Pein was expecting this. Hidan threw his religion into all his duties like taking out the trash or emptying Kitty's litter. Konan, unexpectedly agreed quite soundly mumbling something along the lines of SasoDei for life. Sasori, immediatly after Konan's mumble volunteered to make sex dolls, alone. Far away from Deidara. Kakuzu being too old for this special type of work was in charge of selling the products door to door as a friendly salesman. Konan was assigned to pose for calendar photos with Kisame and Tobi shooting and Zetsu setting up various floral arrangements for the back ground. Pein, being the genius that he is, decided to make Deidara and Itachi prostitutes. Pein promised them protection in the form of Hidan. Seeing as Hidan was just watching the girly boys, he couldn't escape with his 'divine' excuses. Yes, capturing the various tailed beasts had to be put on hold until the Akatsuki could get on their feet finically, but it was only a matter of time.
The following morning, Zetsu had arranged the most beautiful scenery for Konan's photo shoot. The roses were a vivid shade of red and the grass was a very health green. Flowers were placed all of the yard, creating a floral paradise. Unfortunately, he had disappeared before Kisame, Konan or Tobi could praise him for his splendid job.
"Okay," Kisame said eagerly. "Work the camera babe." Upon being called 'babe' Konan sent paper spear flying Kisame's way. She scowled at missing before turning into butterflies and running away.
"What are we going to do now," Tobi asked. "These flowers will wilt soon and Master Zetsu will be most upset and hungry." The two shinobi shuttered at this thought.
"Why don't you pose and I'll take your pictures," Kisame asked. Tobi jumped and clutched his mask tightly. "Okay," Kisame sighed. "Take my pictures." Kisame gloomily handed the camera over to Tobi who grasped it. Kisame threw off his pants and shirt revealing a rather sexy leopard print thong underneath. He placed a rose in his mouth and flexed his muscles.
After Konan's little temper tantrum, she returned to see Kisame rubbing baby oil all over his bare blue ass. Needless to say, Konan made a tactical retreat.
Sasori worked long and hard on his special puppet. He killed the woman, himself and was giving her all the attention she deserved. He added just enough lubricant to all the right places making her ideal for any lonely boy. He even decided on the perfect name, Sally. Kakuzu angrily banged at his door waiting for his most expensive product. Sasori growled at him and continued working on his art.
Deidara and Itachi were by far the unhappiest of all the Akatsuki members. They were wearing short skirts and standing in the public's eye on a shady corner in the hidden rain village. Hidan was hiding his face, and pride, safely in the shadows. Itachi leaned against the lamp post and batted his eyelashes. Deidara was scraping his teeth trying to dig up enough clay to send the Uchiha and his sharingan to hell.
Kisame was regrettably printing calendars and stapling them together. Tobi was trying to erase all the mental scarring that he just witnessed. They heard Kakuzu's thundering footsteps and Kisame worked even faster to finish. He wrapped them up in a sealed box and got to the door right before Kakuzu came in. Kakuzu raised an eyebrow at Kisame's rather sweaty appearance and Tobi crying in the corner but disregarded it and took the box.
"Hey blondie how much for a night?"
"Piss off, un" Deidara yelled at a rather unexpected customer. He ran off when he heard his potential whore had a voice deeper than the ocean. Itachi stared at him and raised his eyebrow a little. Not so much anyone would notice unless you've been around him long enough.
"Deidara-chan," Hidan whispered from the shadows. "Ya gotta be nicer! And hand out these Jashinism flyers!" A storm of papers emerged from the alley and Deidara clumsy grabbed them. He gave half the stack to his arch-enemy and handed them out to the citizens.
"I'm only giving you five more minutes," Kakuzu screamed, banging on Sasori's door. Sasori was in trouble. His natural love of art told him to take his time until Sally reached perfection but his loathing of making people wait told him to hurry. Sasori's core nearly self-exploded at his dilemma but stopped itself, knowing it would make Deidara proud.
"That's it I'm comming in!"
"Here," Sasori said finishing his signature scorpion etching on the side and throwing the doll at Kakuzu.
"We haven't gotten a single customer, un," Deidara said.
"Are you compaining," Itachi asked giving a small child a 'I slaughter for Jashin' sticker.
Kakuzu hurried outside carrying along Sally and his box of calendars. He went door to door trying to sell his supplies but was greeted by a slammed door time after time. By his final rejection in Amegakure he decided to travel the road. By luck, the first person he encountered was interested. A guy in all black nervously approached Kakuzu, asking for the price of the doll he had slung over his shoulder.
"Sally?" Kakuzu asked. "She was given to me by my great grandfather. Priceless."
"Dude, were humans even alive back then," he smugly said. Kakuzu popped a vein at this kid but kept it inside. Do it for the money he thought. "Hey, no need to be offended. It's just she's so pretty. This is all I have. Will it cover her?" The kid reached into his pocket and pulled out a black wallet stuffed to the brim with money. "I also have four hats I can throw in." This kid probably saw Kakuzu's headgear and noticed had a good taste in hats.
"Barely," Kakuzu said running off with the calendars, his new fortune and some snazzy hats.
"Hey pretty lady how bout I take you to a nice hotel?" Another potential customer asked Deidara. "Ya know the whole nun thing is kind of a turn on." Deidara grinded his teeth to dust and tried to think of one good reason not to blow this guy up. The reason? He had no clay.
"Sure meet me in that alley," Deidara said making no attempts to hide his manly voice.
"Ya know? I've always wanted to do it with a transvestite," the victim said walking straight into Hidan's scythe.
"Some last words," Itachi remarked.
The second traveler Kakuzu met on his journey was also interested in his goods. Kakuzu placed the huge box down removed the tape. He showed the young man a calendar. "You see Konan is the only female member," Kakuzu stared. "She is commonly referred to as an angel and you can tell by her looks that-" Kakuzu was cut off by the man's laughter. He resisted the urge to rip out his small intestine and shove it down his throat.
"How many of these do you have," the white haired man asked through fits of laughter.
"Just this box."
"I'll take them all." Kakuzu smiled a greedy smile and collected the man's money. "I can't wait until the other swordsmen hear about this!" The stranger said walking off, his huge silver sword banging at his back.
"Let's get out of here," Itachi said. "It's getting to late and we could actually be attacked. While I would be safe from my sharighan, I fear for you, Deidara."
"Just be quiet, Itachi," Deidara said. "Need I remind you who is wearing the pink skirt, un?"
"Never speak of this again?"
"Never." The two walked back to base with their temporary truces.
Kakuzu ran in through the base door with a sack full of money and he was skipping happily. Pein emerged the laundry -I mean- evil room and admired the money. "This actually worked," Pein asked half-hearty.
"Yeah! We've made enough to support us," Kakuzu happily replied.
"What's with the hats?"
"I got them in the trade."
"Why do they have toilet paper on them?"
"The rest stop had free toilet paper so I decided to stalk up."
"And the bells?"
"They were next to the toilet paper."
"I think it would be best if I took a hat," Itachi said. Last thing he needed was to have someone laughing while they died because they recognized him from earlier today.
"I will to, un," Deidara agreed, having the same mindset as Itachi. Kisame walked into the conversation and seeing an empty box turned a violent shade of purple. Itachi wordlessly handed him a hat, not wanting to know his reasons.
"You sold Sally," Sasori asked walking into the room.
"Yeah, made me...I mean us, A lot of money," Kakuzu answered. Sasori decided that since Kakuzu left that Sally was the most pathetic puppet he has ever created. Ashamed he put his trademark scorpion on such a disgusting thing.
"Embarrassed Danna," Deidara asked. Sasori bobbed his head and Deidara placed a hat on him. "Hide the shame, un."
"Hey," Kakuzu yelled. "I wanted the last hat."
"You already have that, thing on your head," Kisame said. "Seriously what is it? I've never seen anything like it and I've seen a lot of craziness."
"Well back in my day-"
"Oi," Hidan yelled returning to the base. "Who the fuck left me outside in the rain?"
"I thought you were to protect us, un," a Deidara teased.
"Silence! I kill you!"
The following month Jeff Dunham sued the Akatsuki for stealing his famous line. The Akatsuki ended up losing all the money they made off of Sally and Kisame's sexy calendars. The settlement would have been cut in half if a certain puppet person decided to go on tour with him.
Right now the Akatsuki are reprinting Kisame's calendars and are selling them at a very reasonable price. If interested call Kakuzu at ext. 725.
This is why Deidara, Itachi, Kisame, and Sasori wear hats and Hidan, Kakuzu, Pain, Tobi, Konan, and Zetsu don't. Yes, the most terrifying hat known among all super villains is a way to hide the shame with toilet paper and jingly bells.