Apathy

The idea came from something Kaoru said in passing, but it was profound.

They stood apart from their friends, and together they watched Hikaru continue to awkwardly approach Haruhi, and Tamaki pretend to ignore it. His exaggeratedly jovial mood all but hid the truth, and Kyoya sighed exasperatedly. He shifted his weight and leaned against the wall behind them.

"Those two are fools," Kyoya had murmured darkly, and Kaoru glanced at him. A moment of silence lapsed, then he said-

"I think there is one more."

Kyoya inhaled sharply and turned to him. The mood changed abruptly, and Kaoru smiled a tiny, inscrutable smile.

"Sorry. Forget that." He pushed himself off the wall and walked towards the group, looking down. Kyoya felt his heart jolt, and he took a heavy breath to calm himself. That doesn't mean anything, he thought, He exhaled uneasily, and closed his eyes.

He was right.

Kaoru was right.

Goddamit.

When he opened his eyes again, he looked across the others and locked eyes with Haruhi. She inclined her head, and something about her narrow shoulders, and the apathy in the gesture made him tear his eyes away.

Goddamit.

He never had any intention to speak up, or ever acknowledge the emotion that spread inside him. Tamaki's obvious infatuation, then later Hikaru's was more than enough reason to retract any ideas he had about Haruhi. Nothing would come of this. . . .attachment. Not because he was afraid of its potential, or even for the sake of a friend. It was an idea that made no sense, that had no purpose, and he had nothing to gain by admitting to his infatuation.

Nothing.

But she would come into the room so softly, and sit beside him quietly, and everything she said had a point. She was such a rarity from the façades he was used to seeing. She was very sensible, very gentle, and when she was nearby he could see the slope of her neck, the neat way she folded her hands, and the tenderness in her face. . . .and he felt something.

She would look up, and if their eyes met she would offer to make tea, or pull a curtain down, and the combination of her consideration and the impassiveness behind it was painful.

And Kaoru managed to see that.

Perhaps if the threat of indifference were absent, Kyoya could find it in himself to own up to the feelings he had. But he had no reason to ask Haruhi if her concern for him was natural or personal. Of course it was natural, it was part of her job to be attentive.

But if that attention was equivalent to everyone, it was not enough. If he was not distinct in any way to her, then he would never accept it.

"Sempi."

Kyoya heard the light voice behind him, and his shoulders tensed. He turned calmly and peered down at Haruhi.

"Yes, Fujioka?"

"You seem uneasy. Can I do anything to help?" her expression was unreadable. Kyoya straightened up and clenched his hands behind his back.

"Thank you, but I'm just fine. You don't need to do anything unnecessary."

She smiled slightly, and replied, "I wouldn't think it was unnecessary."

And there was the placidness he feared and loved. She revealed absolutely nothing, and he wanted so badly to know for certain. Then, without meaning to he spoke again.

"Well, what if I were someone else?"

He froze. Haruhi looked surprised.

Oh…

Oh no.

"Someone else?"

He couldn't speak. What a perfectly pointless thing to say, well done.

Something occurred to her, and she smiled again.

"Would it be unnecessary if…?"

Kyoya didn't answer."…you were someone else…?" she finished.

"….yes." He managed to say thickly, and he quickly adjusted his glasses.

"Such as?"

She was teasing him. He was trapped. He was committed now, he had to continue.

He was doomed.

"Well, anyone…"

"Like?"

"…like…Tamaki."

Oh, he was done for.

"Tamaki-sempi?"

Yes, he was ruined. He could not take back control. He didn't know what to say. There was no way to salvage this conversation.

"Tamaki-sempi doesn't need anything from me."

Oh.

"Well, then."

"I thought you might, so I came to ask you."

He looked back at her and felt something fracture.

It must have been his sanity.

Suddenly he had the urge to make her stay. He hastily replied, "Thank you, I think I may need something from you."

She nodded.

He faltered again, turned, and rubbed the bridge of his nose for a second. He felt his eyes tingle, and when he turned back they were raw. Haruhi's expression quickly changed from mirth to concern.

"Kyoya-sempi?"

"Yes, yes there is something I need you to do…" Kyoya's breath was short, and he glanced around for any eavesdroppers. They were alone.

He was not about to do this.

"Please…" his voice was constrained. "Please, listen to me for a moment."

Oh yes he was.

Her eyes were so completely clear he felt for certain she could read the deepest parts of his heart. He felt nauseous with dread. Tamaki crossed his mind, and Hikaru, and Kaoru's maddening comment… he felt suffocated, and his eyes clouded with the deep, abiding fear that settled in the pit of his stomach. And then he looked at her, he stared back into her eyes and felt something inside him twist. His skin was on fire, his heart pounded, and his eyes stung. Above all, the feeling that most inundated him was the abundant love that started deep in the center of his chest and rose to fill his body. That could not be denied.

He moved his lips, but no sound came out at first, and he paused. He took a shaky breath and tried again.

"Ha…Haruhi." he rasped. His body was hot.

She looked up with some kind of feeling, maybe anticipation, on her face. Anxiety flickered across her eyes, and wordlessly, she reached out and gently lay her hand on his shoulder. At once every sensation focused on the arm her hand was touching. Kyoya heaved a great sigh and felt something well up inside him and he closed his eyes. He spoke again.

"Haruhi." He murmured quietly. This time his voice was low, and came from deep inside his chest. He opened his eyes with great difficulty, and felt them burn.

"You know me. You know I can't make speeches…" he stopped, and cleared his throat.

"I am nothing like Tamaki, or Hikaru…" he stopped again. Haruhi stared up at him with a look that was something like…expectation. He tried again.

"…but I might…" he looked down at her, saw her flushed expression, and heard his name quiet on her lips, and he lost everything.

"I love you." he whispered, and he brought his hand to her cheek. "Haruhi…" he murmured, and buried his face in both his shaking hands.

"Kyoya!" she said, in such a voice that made his body ache. She said it quickly, with fervor, and suddenly her arms were around him. Her tiny hands pulled his wrists away, and she beamed with brimming eyes at his unhappy face. He stared at her radiant look, and for a moment did not feel the grasp of her hands, or her touch. But she pressed her lips to his pale cheek, and that he felt.

A groan came from the back of his throat, and he pulled her sharply to him. For once his hands were steady and he held her tight in his arms and kissed her. Heat boiled inside him and filled his entire body. Her arms were around his neck, she was clinging to his shoulders, and every inch of her was responding to this incredible need. Her lips were unyielding, and every second they were connected Kyoya felt every reservation inside him evaporate. Her lips opened a floodgate of fierce emotion he had never known before, and all at once he felt terrified, vulnerable, ecstatic, and such relief. To think that every time he touched her, he could have known these sensations. He pulled away and Haruhi's glowing face dazzled his eyes, and she looked at him with such tenderness, the emotion filled his heart until it overflowed.

This is my first fanfic in 3 years.

*tears*

I submitted this to get the juices flowing again, you know, dig up an old file, purdy-fy it. . . . . and RELEASE IT INTO THE WILD!

I'm very aware of how rusty I am, but wow, it feels good to write again.