Tea and Crumpets
Missing Scenes from Syfy's Alice
By
Ava Telcontar
"Wait, here Just Alice. I need to saddle Guinevere." Charlie wandered off ramshackle armor clanking merrily leaving a bemused earthgirl and a sputtering former teashop owner.
"Vassal? I'm no one's vassal!" The Hatter muttered. He paused in his reputing of vassal-hood and his lips quirked up at the play of shadow and light that fluttered over Alice's creamy skin. The wine dark coat was a good choice. She looked ravishing in velvet. His smile morphed into a grin. Alice was pouting. It was adorable sexy cuter than a kitten in a basket of buttons. Also, he wanted to nibble that lower lip.
Leisurely, he reached out and tapped her shoulder. Alice blinked her eyes at him. Her eyes were one of his favorite things about her. They were large and filled with the ocean.
As her fascinating mind leapt from crisp cool logic to swirling frothing emotions they changed in shade and tone; from as gray as the sea after a storm to deep as liquid sapphire.
Alice sighed. "I freaked out."
At this the Hatter blinked. When was that? He didn't remember any freak out. She'd been as cooler than ice cream the entire time he'd known her.
She shrugged, "The thing with the tree. And the circling of the tree."
"Meh?"
"I don't freak out. No matter how weird or dangerous or dangerously weird I don't freak out. When everyone else is running around like they've got squirrels in their pants, I stay calm."
As she began to monologue on her 'notably awesome ability to keep her head in a crisis', The Hatter, couldn't help but think about people with squirrel in their pants. Had she'd ever actually seen people running about with squirrels in their pants? A happy picture of an army of trained squirrels, trained to run up enemy pants, infiltrating the Queen's suites flashed on the slide show in his brain and what the hell was she talking about now?
"And when my former high school science teacher that'd had a mishap with his four experimental adamantium prehensile arms went nuts and hauled me up and MJ up to the school roof and started ranting about his genius and how much academia sucked did I freak out nooo. I did not. I asked questions about the homework assignments. Just because it was his début as a supervillian did not mean he'd stopped being an educator.
I kept calm and hoped that MJ didn't have a concussion (she'd been knocked unconscious earlier) and stalled until my good buddy could get his spandex clad hinney out of gym."
Her smooth as hot chocolate voice was quite level as she told this strange and unlikely tale. This was the most he'd ever heard her speak. He liked to hear her talk. Even if she was ranting.
Also, wasn't the Other World meant to be a touch boring? No magic or mystery just a dreary sort of sameness. A world where science teachers could slap on a ridiculous costumes and silly monikers and go on a rampage was not what her world was known for.
He didn't like the idea of Alice in danger when he wasn't around to guard her back. It made his stomach churn and his heart feel tight.
"The point is this. I don't freak out. I just don't. Okay, so Wonderland is weird. I'm from New York. We have weird with breakfast. Admittedly, being thrust into another dimension is disorienting. But, it's not as though I don't know about the existence of other dimensions, even fictional ones. I've got cousins in law from other dimensions for God's sake." Alice's rant wound down and she heaved a huge sigh. Her shoulders slumped down as if she were putting down some heavily awkward parcel.
The Hatter smiled at her, "Feel better?"
"Little bit," she held out her thumb and forefinger the indicated how very little better she felt.
They looked up at a rustling clanking noise in the bushes.
"That'll be Charlie," murmured the Hatter.
Sir Charles Eustace Fath'ringale Malvoi III glanced back at the vassal pulling 'Alice of Legend' onto Guinevere and smothered a smile. The boy was well and truly smitten. The boy also didn't want to be well and truly smitten and was attempting to smother it. He was doing a bad job of it. Anyone could see that he was falling down a rabbit hole with no bottom.
'Alice of Legend' was tumbling down after him. And nether had a clue. Charlie chortled under his breath.
The Hatter rolled his eyes. Alice was loosely holding on to his jacket. It wouldn't do. As soon as they got going she'd just slide off the horse. He reached back and found her lovely wrists and gently yanked until he could feel her warmth and curves at his back.
"Ooof."
"Hold on," he glanced back and grinned at her expression. Somewhere between annoyed and oohh, she's blushing.
"Let us voyage onward…into the wild," Charlie warbled.
"I seek the answers to life, the universe and everything," The White Knight pulled the words life, universe, and everything out like they were warm taffy. "That is why if I don't seem all here it's because I'm not. I'm off exploring the cosmos. Lifting the veil betwixt and between this world and …"
"42," interrupted Alice a laugh hidden in crisp words.
"Pardon," Charlie turned and lifted one white brow.
"The answer to life, the universe and everything is 42," Alice nodded her head. "That's the answer. The thing is nobody knows what the question is."
The Hatter snorted quietly. Alice it seemed was not above talking the piss and messing with someone's noggin. That was oddly comforting.
"42? 42 truly? Your other world philosophers must be truly wise to find the answer," Charlie paused. "But very silly to have neglected the question."
Alice shrugged, "It's more of a question of safety, you see there's this theory; if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable."
The Hatter blinked. Was such a thing even possible? The mind ran and hid gibbering at such a mad suggestion.
"There is another theory which states that this has already happened." Alice continued. The Hatter could feel her body shake with unvoiced laughter.
"Egad," whispered the knight in fascinated horror.
This wasn't a children's story. Alice was caught up to that pertinent detail. It was so different from her childhood favorite. Wonderland was different from she dreamt it. However, it did have certain similarities to Mr. Dodgson's books. The characters sprang to mind.
It was as if the book was adapted to the screen with Terry Pratchett and Joss Whedon writing the script and Tim Burton directing. No wait. Not Burton. She'd seen trailers for his take on Wonderland and he'd gotten the Mad Hatter completely wrong. He was portrayed as a leering psychotic.
Not that her Hatter didn't leer a bit with that 'pretty girl in a very wet dress' observation. She chose not to dwell on why the Hatter finding her attractive made her feel giddy
Come to think of it every interpretation was possibly wrong. She suddenly felt a little indignant on behalf of the man she was holding onto.
Not that that Hatter was this Hatter. It was after all a very long time ago. And it was certainly a different man in a hat. And a different blond Alice.
And my Hatter isn't as mad as all that. And even if he was…he could pull it off. He was just that charming. And brave. And hot. And sweet.
And what was she thinking? The Hatter wasn't hers. Alice was going round the bend. Alice was dating Jack. Alice was here to rescue Jack. Alice was thinking about herself in third person. Alice should stop it.
She tuned into the ongoing argument between the Hatter and the White Knight on the socio-political ramifications of the epic poem 'I'll tell thee everything I can.' Another of Lewis Carroll's nonsense poems that she'd always had to look up the annotations to understand.
And now, if e'er by chance I put
My fingers into glue,
Or madly squeeze a right-hand foot
Into a left-hand shoe,
Intoned Charlie solemnly.
The Hatter made a disgusted noise, "Even so. You're wrong. Even on alternate Wednesday's you'd still be , that refers to the government putting up taxes on treacle that the population can't pay."
"Nug-face, have you been imbibing essence of stupid? That could explain your absurd claims to literacy."
Alice wondered absently if Wonderland had religion. She just couldn't see door to door religion salesman making it big. Discordianism on the other hand. She could see it. Hatter would dig a faith that emphasized disorder and general all-round wackiness. Five tones of flax! Consult your Pineal Gland!
She needed to take a nap.
"Why?" wondered the Hatter. "Do you have a thing about heights?"
"If you got dangled from the roofs of tall building or thrown off buildings by supervillians on a semi-regular basis you'd dislike heights too," Alice said flatly as if it were a normal thing to say. Then stilled as she noted how very stiff the Hatter's back had gone. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing. Well, how oft'n is semi-regular?"
Alice thought, "Er, about three or …seven times a year."
"Hmm," was the Hatter's ambiguous comment on the subject.
She decided not to mention all of the various other things more arguably more traumatic than Wonderland that had happened to her. His posture suggested that if he heard any more Alice in Peril stories he'd get upset.
Alice was not afraid of the Hatter. Oh, she knew that the man for all his harmless adorably smarmy mannerisms was dangerous. Alice could tell a lot about someone from how they fought.
The Hatter was impetuous, deadly, and passionate. He seemed to fight every skirmish like it was his last.
That she found it attractive rather than repelling was yet another thing she wasn't going to dwell on.
The right hand of doom was frosting on the cake.
"Charlie? What's wrong?" Alice asked glad for the distraction.
The knight had clamored down from his horse, amusingly named Binky. "Before, we reach the Kingdom of the Knights we must traverse the garden tomb of the White Queen. Be wary. And whatever you do stay off the grass."
Hatter and Alice on Guinevere followed the curious loping stride of the White Knight and the placid cantor of his steed into the most beautiful garden.
The tomb itself of white marble overgrown with fountains of white roses; flowers of every shade and hue and description filled the air with the most exquisite perfume.
Unfortunately, the still late afternoon vision of perfect wonder was spoiled by the grating gossiping of the flowers.
"Oi! Are the poesies making fun of us?" demanded the Hatter.
Alice groaned. She remembered this garden from the book and the Disney movie; albeit, she didn't remember it being this close to Tugly Woods.
The flowers started singing as they ventured into the garden tomb. And Alice nearly laughed. She knew this song.
Little bread-and-butterflies kiss the tulips
And the sun is like a toy balloon
There are get up in the morning glories
In the golden afternoon
The little group stilled to a stop as Charlie pulled a curled little book. "Because this is the short cut. The long way takes three days. If you want to get through and not strangled to death by vines you must sing the flowers a song they never heard before."
"Oh great," muttered Charlie. "Mad as a box of frogs." This time said with more emphases. "Why can't we go around the tomb?"
Charlie snorted, "Because on one side of the tomb is the jabberwocky mating grounds and I assure you, you don't want to go there. Ever. And on the other side there is a nest of jubjub birds. So, I must sing."
You can learn a lot of things from the flowers
For especially in the month of June
There's a wealth of happiness and romance
All in the golden afternoon
The sickly sweet voices reached a crescendo, "The golden afternoon!"
Charlie clapped, "Lovely, just lovely ladies. I have a new composition for you." He smiled winningly at the flowers. "Would you like to hear it?"
"We want to here the girl sing. If she's Alice of Legend prove it! She'll sing—or her blood will water our roots!" trilled the flowers.
Charlie blinked and tried to convince the flowers that they really wanted to hear him sing.
The Hatter grabbed and squeezed one of her hands reassuringly and said lowly, "Hang on."
"No." They were not galloping off.
"No?" The Hatter's voice rose into a squeak. No? Again?
Alice took in Charlie's pale face as he began to insult the trumpeting tulips, very quixotic in his efforts. Don Quixote and windmills… Alice smirked at the Hatter's incredulous expression.
She began slowly and low in volume to sing some of the silliest lyrics her listeners had ever heard. And they knew silly. "I'm your only friend/I'm not your only friend/But I'm a little glowing friend/But really I'm not actually your friend/But I am…"
Hatter wondered if he could get her to sing again. Just for him. Dimly it occurred to him that they were moving again through the tomb. But really all of his attention was focused on the serious girl singing the silliest song he'd ever heard.
Alice's voice slowly rose till it filled the giggling tomb with utter nonsense, "
Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch/Who watches over you/Make a little birdhouse in your soul/Not to put too fine a point on it/Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet/Make a little birdhouse in your soul…"
Charlie eyebrows shot up one after another as he mouthed the words. Hatter would have laughed aloud at his expression of utter bewilderment at the sensible legendary figure going crazy. If he'd been paying attention.
Instead, the Hatter was contemplating Alice who it seemed was subconsciously suppressing a mile wide streak of silly. Her personality didn't just consist of a mix of intense intenseness, kindness, skepticism, bravery and kickassery.
He wondered what it would take to make sweet sensible Alice to let loose. The Hatter dolefully thought that it would have to be trust.
The flowers joined in the chorus, ""I'm your only friend/I'm not your only friend/But I'm a little glowing friend/But really I'm not actually your friend/But I am…"
Having made it out of the garden tomb without anyone's blood watering the pansies they turned a ridge and there it was. The Kingdom of the Knights in all it's ivory and marble glory.
"Well, well," murmured the Hatter.
The two of them slipped off Guinevere. Alice eyes flickered to his face. It was half in shade, half illuminated by the noon light.
Oh, no. Are those butterflies I'm feeling? Her breath caught. She'd never seen anyone have an epiphany before. It transformed his caught between handsome and cute features to a strange and wondrous beauty.
In that moment she knew he would join the Resistance properly. Her heart clenched up. He would be going into danger without her. She would lose him.
And he wasn't even hers to lose.
Notes
Look the girl was due a rant. Okay.
Er, the squirrels in the pants bit is from Phineas and Ferb. from the episode Comet Kermillain. There's a song. Let's just pretend that someone recorded Candace, the squirrels and those two rapping guys and uploaded it on youtube. And it became an internet sensation. Kay?
Alice was remarkably calm for an oyster that was thrown into Wonderland. There had to be a reason. And so Alice Hamilton is from New York. And in my not so infinite wisdom I've decided that it should be a fictional New York. A veritable missmash of Marvel's oft invaded by aliens NYC and the vast array of other stories that take place in the City that Never Sleeps would explain a lot about her.
Hatter would fit in perfectly.
Yes, her science teacher was indeed, Doctor Otto Gunther Octavius a.k.a Doc Ock and it just makes sense her friends would be MJ Watson and her good buddy …
Guess who her cousins and cousins in law could be. He He. Here's a hint. 'My name's Virginia and I live on the edge of the forest…' and 'True Love's kiss is the most powerful thing in the world.'
Yes. I invoked Douglass Adams. It had to be done.
They Might be Giants would be so popular in Wonderland.
Oh, no. Are those butterflies I'm feeling? Is the first line from 'Love Begins' which is a part of Wonderland: Alice's New Musical Adventure which is in turn an excellent Alice/Hatter fanvid.