A/N: This was on my Mibba account bvbbotdf1399. But I thought i would out it up on here.

Hello I'm Andy and I'm in love with my best friend. Yes I'm gay, he isn't and it sucks. All I can do is think of him, but I know I can't have him. He's with my beloved cousin Kristina. I heard from Jake that he's going to go all lovey dovey and propose to her. It tears at my heart strings. It hurts to think of him even though I do it all the time. I want her to dump him so I can have him. I know I would be a rebound, but I would still be his. I would get held by him. He would be mine.

I was deep in thought. Even if I thought all these things they would never come true. I was the Juliet without her Romeo. My phone buzzed in my pocket, it was Ashley.

"Hey Ash, what's up," I answered the phone.

"H-hi…" he answered back his voice was shaky; it sounded like he had been crying and he never cries.

"Are you ok, why are you crying?"

"Kristina and I broke up." YES! I thought, doing a little happy dance in my chair.

That's too bad, I'm sorry Ashley." I tried my best to sound sad.

"I thought we would spend the rest of our lives together, but apparently I was wrong" he choked.

"How about you come over and we can do some guy stuff to get your mind off things," I suggested.

"That would be awesome. Thanks."

"No Problem Ash. See you soon."

"Ok Bye."

Yes the road to victory! He will be mine soon. Soon Ashley will be mine. He came over with a bottle of Jack Daniels. Wow is he really that depressed over Kristina? That bitch for hurting Ashley. But good for her for having the courage to break up with a rock star, I could never do that. I watched him carefully taking swigs of Jack every few minutes. "Do you w-want any" He slurred. His mouth reeked of alcohol.

"Sure, what the hell." This was going to be a long night anyway. He past me the bottle. I took a few swigs before handing the bottle back.

The next morning I woke up with the worst headache ever. Fucking hangover. I wonder if Ash went home, I went to find him on the couch. Maybe I should wake him up. "Nah," I muttered to myself.

"Nah what?" asked Ashley behind me. Sometimes I swear to god that he's a vampire.

"I thought you were sleeping."

"Not really."

"Oh..." is all I could say.

We had breakfast then I went out for a smoke. Ash came out with me. I asked him if he wanted one. I told him it was a good stress reliever, but he still didn't want one. Oh well more for me.

About an hour later Ashley went home. Damn I didn't tell him. Shit. My luck, he's already got a chick to fuck for a rebound knowing him. I should just stop acting all surprised. Should I phone him or would that just interrupt him and his whore for the evening. It might get him off her for about two minutes or so. Did I really want to do that? I mean it would me getting heartbroken probably. There was no point. I knew that in a couple of weeks that he would go back to his old self of fucking different girls each night. But he doesn't need that he needs a friend that loves him. Even if that friend wants to be his whore. To get touched by him, his skilled hands running up and down my body. I would kill to be one of his whores.

I went in to the bathroom and got out some old friends that I haven't had out in three years. The razors were dull but sharp. Why did it hurt so much to love him? I pulled up the sleeves of my shirt. The razor towering towards my skin. One slit for loving him. One for caring about him. One for all the times I wish I told him but didn't have the guts. I was an idiot for not telling him my feelings. My mom… God I needed he right now I was so confused on what to do. She was the biggest supporter of me being gay. My dad was ok with it but he wanted grandchildren one day in the future but that wasn't going to happen. My mom died when I was 18 and it was a disaster. I turned suicidal a few weeks after her death, I tried anything to be with the only person who only really understood me and helped me with a lot of shit that if I never told anyone I would have committed suicide. But I needed her more than ever. As cliché as it sounds, yes I do love Ash, I do I really do and it scares me. It's beautiful but ugly at the same time. I needed my mom's guidance. But I knew in the inside, I was just as insecure as I was in eleventh grade. What if Ashley felt the same for me, I would just fucking die of happiness. I decided to phone CC because he went through this with Jake.

He and Jake had feelings for each other but didn't have guts to tell each other. When CC finely did tell Jake, Jake had a girlfriend to hide his feelings for CC. It broke CC's heart; he tried to take his pain away by cutting. Once he cut to deep and we almost lost him. Jake after hearing this almost in an instant he broke up with the slut he was dating to be with the person he really only loved.

"Hey man what's up?" CC's voice ringed in my ears.

"Nothing much really, you know watching Batman," I replied. Lying to one of my best friends, I told him about my feelings for Ashley which I kept hidden from my band mates and friends for so long. CC replied with saying that he wasn't surprised that I said that, that he came up came up with that conclusion on his own, because of the way I act around him sometimes. I guess sometimes I act like a love struck school girl. And sometimes I couldn't help it. Ashley never caught on which I guess wasn't a bad thing. He also suggested that I tell him, which I was planning on doing but I never did.

"Okay, I'll see you tomorrow at practice or whatever," CC said hung up the phone.

"Okay," I said to no one. Shit I forgot about tomorrow we were meeting with some people from lava.

The a few minutes later my phone rung, I didn't bother to look at the caller ID. I picked up. "Hello Andy I need to talk to you can you meet me in the alley by your place." it sounded a lot like Ash.

"Sure Ash, why?"

"Because… I need to talk to you."

"About what?" I asked fearing the worst.

"Just meet me in the alley by your place," he hung up the phone.

I put my phone in my pocket and headed out the door to the alley by my house, why an alley that was weird. But oh well that's where he wanted to meet me. "Why did you want to meet me here?" I questioned when Ashley came into view.

"To do this," he answered me planting a kiss a soft kiss on my lips. I didn't do anything for a couple of seconds, because this was new. Ashley fucking Purdy was kissing me. I never expected this to happen. I kissed back. He pulled away.

"What was that?" I gulped. Maybe he was drunk and didn't know what he was doing.

"I was kissing you Andy," Thanks for stating the obvious. I knew that. "I lied about breaking up with Kristina, I mean her breaking up with me. I broke up with her because I had someone else on my mind." He explained.

"Who?" I playfully chuckled.

"You."

"He likes me," I thought out loud not meaning to.

"No love you," he said kissing me again. Then he noticed my arms. "Andy, you didn't."

"I did, I'm sorry Ashley, and it's just that I felt depressed about something," I wasn't exactly lying.

"What would make you this?"

"I love you and it hurts to love you and I'm sorry but I can't do this." I ran off in the other direction. Ashley called after me, I refused to turn back to look at him. I just probably hurt him along with myself. When I got home slid down the door and let out a muffled scream. "Why the fuck did I do that?" I screamed. I've got pills maybe if I overdosed I wouldn't feel this pain anymore. I would finely be at peace. What the fuck am I saying I love my life and I always tell my fans never give in and if I did that I would be giving in. I can't do that to my fans. They love me, to them I am God. I would break their hearts. But mine is already busted I can't take it anymore all this fucking shit that has happened in the past three years of my life. I just… before I knew it I was in the bathroom, purging away my fears and worries away. Yes I am somewhat bulimic. But it was the cabinet that was yelling at me to open, to take out ecstasy that was left over from when I was nineteen. There were so may left I could easily overdose if I wasn't careful of how much I consumed. I took six pills and shoved them down my throat. Before I knew it the whole bag was gone and my heart felt like it was about to explode out of my chest. And my vision went blur. I panicked, and phoned CC.

"Guys I'm fucked and I can't deal with heart break anymore. I'm done." Why the hell would I tell them that? My mind went blank as all I could see was black.