Maya had tackled another day at Degrassi, and surprisingly, she was pretty okay with it. Sure, just because it was a new year didn't mean that there weren't the same occurrences of bullying, harassment, and the occasional bomb threat or lockdown, but Maya had friends here now- her very own friends. She wasn't in the mood to have everything screwed up for her.
After running downstairs and popping her prescription anxiety medication into her mouth, she knew she was getting better. She took one every night and it helped immensely. It wasn't just the medication that was helping Maya- her mindset was turning around since the slow crash and burn that happened last year, ending with panic attacks, visions and night terrors. Maya was quite embarrassed about her behavior last year- her new thing had seemed to become helping people. The need to help everyone was rooted deep into her brain ever since the passing of Cam, but quite frankly, she was ashamed of it. No one seemed to appreciate the help she tried to give them, aside of Miles, but he wasn't someone she regularly spoke to anymore.
More than anything else, even eclipsing the importance of tackling her anxiety, was her music. When Maya had her mind set on something, she was determined enough to achieve whatever it was that she wanted. Besides the talent she had been born with and the title of a prodigy, she now had experience. She knew where the good gigs were, how to get on the good side of the music producers, but also knew when to put her foot down if someone was being unfair. In short, Maya wanted to beat her anxiety to the ground and never see it again. All it did was trap her in a box that made success in the music industry seem miles away. With her anxiety gone, Maya had a newfound sense of confidence, and had gained all of her old ambitions back again to boot.
She had just begun to cap her pill bottle when she heard a knock on the door, which jolted her out of her thoughts completely. Her mind had been with her music, reflecting on her last gig and how many people had come to watch. Unfortunately, that meant she had forgotten that her boyfriend was coming over.
Answering the door for Zig, Maya looked up and smiled brightly as he came into view. "Do I know you?" she joked with a giggle, stepping aside so he could enter before shutting the door. "Oh, I've got it! You're the groupie from my last performance who hung out with my mom the whole time. I feel absolutely humbled in your presence."
Her boyfriend rolled his eyes in the same playful manner. This was the way they joked with each other, and he wasn't offended. "Hey, I'll have you know that I'm a fan, not a groupie. And uh, you know I was gonna come over sooner actually, but I was tied up in some stuff."
Maya, the smile still evident on her face, raised her eyebrows slightly. "Tied up in some stuff? Like what? Don't tell me you were cheating on me now" she replied with a giggle, nudging him playfully.
Zig raised an eyebrow in response and scoffed quietly. "Oh yeah, I decided to stop over your house only after I cheated on you. What kind of horrible boyfriend do you think I am?"
"Only the worst" Maya replied with a small smirk, closing the space between them and standing on tiptoe to place a kiss on his lips. Zig's hands found her waist and he eagerly reciprocated, only groaning as she pulled away. Flat on her feet, she was barely up to his shoulder.
"Get back here, why'd you stop? You know I get needy when I haven't seen you in awhile" was her boyfriend's reply. With a roll of her eyes, Maya stood on tiptoe to place a longer kiss on his lips. Pulling away, she smiled a little. "There, was that satisfactory enough for you?"
"Well seeing as we just had sex the other day, I'd rather we were doing something else.." he raised his eyebrows suggestfully, one of his hands squeezing her hip, which was rather small in comparison.
In response, Maya gently placed her hand over the one that was on her hip and laced their fingers together. She looked up at him with a pouting face, clearly a signal that sex was not on the mind and cuddles were.
Zig merely snorted in response, his eyes wandering around the room (evidently checking for a sign of Maya's mother) before leaning down to plant a kiss in her hair. "C'mon, don't tell me you wanna cuddle again. We did that last time, it was pretty boring."
Zig couldn't see Maya's expression with his face buried in her blonde locks, but Maya's eyes had lost their sparkle a little and her lips were currently pursed in a tight line to match the tight coil in her stomach. Offended, she paused. "What's wrong with cuddling?" She didn't understand what was wrong with them- she knew she loved Zig, and they could have times where they would hang out and laugh and joke around. It wasn't until they were guaranteed alone time that Zig would talk about sex, much too often for Maya's liking. It wasn't as if she was against having sex with her boyfriend, but he handled her rather carelessly, fell asleep right afterwards, and never asked her if she was okay.
Maya would brush this behavior off with every excuse in the book- Zig was different from other guys, he was rough around the edges, he was more of a physical person who had trouble with communication, he was a boy (this particular excuse had the feminist club scoffing and rolling their eyes.)
Evidently taking her silence as hesitance to sex, Zig pulled away a little and surveyed her with more of a serious expression. "Nothing. Nothing's wrong with cuddling, I just figured since we had the house to ourselves, we could get up to something a little more interesting."
Halfheartedly, Maya offered an alternative to Zig. "Oh uh, I actually need your help with something. The feminist club actually asked me to help come up with a new issue to tackle, and-"
"What's that gonna take, five minutes?" Zig's chuckle was not misheard by Maya, and she knew what was coming. "Don't the feminists kind of pick everything apart already? You know how people cry rape? They always cry 'sexist' and 'harassment'. I don't know why they'd be harassed though. They're..not much to look at."
Maya's head almost seemed to throb with the concentration of refraining from rolling her eyes. Instead, she raised her eyebrows and clasped her hands together. "Okay, I am guessing your less than mature insults are an indicator that you want to help?" Maya knew she was grasping at straws- Zig was more interested in the lunchroom's tuna sandwiches than he was with feminist issues.
"No, I'll leave that brainstorming to you" was his reply, his fingers threading through Maya's curls instead. "Like I said, I have other things on my mind, and feminism is kind of a mood killer."
Maya's temples seemed to throb as the urge to roll her eyes tempted her. "It's not really supposed to be a mood killer silly, it's a movement that fights for equality between the-"
She was cut off with a wave of Zig's hand and a smirk. "Uh oh, looks like they're brainwashing you. Are you gonna be walking around while holding crazy signs too?" Taking Maya's response as an indicator that he was correct, Zig plunged on. "And instead of finding every excuse in the book not to get busy with your boyfriend, maybe you can do the opposite for once."
He was looking at her just like he did when they would kiss, with want in his eyes that Maya felt like she couldn't truly reciprocate. Maya did love Zig- he had been there for her when she had hit rock bottom last year and started going to therapy, and at one point, was the only person in her life. He was familiarity to her, and when her anxiety was at the worst, being protected was essential. Now though, seeing things on the other side, Maya began to realize the problems popping up with Zig's behavior towards her. "Can't we just cuddle?" She tried again with a wide smile.
Zig raised an eyebrow with an almost haughty expression, closing the space between them once more and resting his hands on her hips. "Oh, yeah, cuddle. Cause you're totally an innocent little girl, aren't you? Unless I'm completely wrong, you were there when we had sex. You've done it before, so stop pretending like you don't want it now."
Maya's eyebrows lowered in a soft movement, her body ever so slightly beginning to drift away from his strong grip. "I..but that doesn't mean I want to have it all the time, Zig" she replied firmly, placing a hand against his chest to stop him from cutting her off with a kiss.
"Yeah, well I want to have it all the time" he dismissed with a shrug, squeezing her hips in what was supposed to be a playful matter. Maya swallowed thickly, her resistance starting to wane. If she gave into sex again, she'd feel horrible afterwards. On the other hand, her resistance would cause Zig to get angry and freeze her out for days. She hated when people were mad at her, especially when they didn't have to be.
Mustering up a little courage, she placed her hand on the back of his neck and drew him in for a longer kiss, clearly stalling for time as she internally made her decision. She had given Zig sex (or other physical things) before, and if she followed through, he would be happy. It wasn't like she wanted to, but a small part of her was a bit afraid of what he would to if she continued to resist him.
Of course, Zig's mind was only on one thing and the controlled way in which she was kissing him completely flew over his head. He gripped her back by her hips in a much more aggressive way and she felt her body already against his. This was it- Maya knew she couldn't change her mind now. Zig was terrible at interpreting signals, but when these signals were sexual, he was all for delving into the activities that would follow.
Her brain was working very fast as she shut the door to her bedroom, continued to kiss him in a half-hearted manner, and made her way to her bed. Why was she in the feminist club if she was letting her own boyfriend, a boy, tell her what she could and couldn't do? Why was she bothering to help everyone around her if she couldn't muster up the bravery to tell him off? She had told him 'no' before, but that word didn't seem to register as anything significant in Zig's mind.
Maya found herself flat against her bed and biting down on her bottom lip, waiting for Zig to make his moves. Her mind was on what would happen afterwards- she would be okay, she would be okay. Her shirt was pulled over her head and she cringed as his hands gripped her sensitive areas with no care. It didn't get bad until he replaced his hands with his mouth, his teeth cutting into her skin in ways that only made her yelp.
Zig regarded these reactions as the green light to continue. He wasn't stupid, he must have known Maya wasn't into it and that she wanted to stop. At one point, Maya found her hands pushing his own away from between her legs, trying to distract him with a deeper kiss. This was to no avail- his mind was already on what he wanted. Feebily, Maya murmured for him to stop.
Zig's hand was halfway up her thigh and his eyebrows were lowered in what seemed to be annoyance. Not removing it, he propped himself up on an elbow and looked down at her. "Seriously, Maya? Every time I try to touch you, you freak out."
"Well maybe if you handled me with a little more care-" Maya's words were cut off by Zig's scoff. His hand finally moved away from her legs, back onto his side of her bed.
"But I'm your boyfriend, Maya." There was still lust in Zig's eyes as he looked down at her, and Maya quickly sat up and tried to pull her clothes back on. Re-clasping her bra, she looked down at her legs uncomfortably, not knowing what to say that would make him happy. His hand trailed over to her shoulder, brushing hair away from it as he kissed her neck. "Don't you want to make me happy? It'll make you happy. Why don't you take that bra off and we can continue?"
She gently declined him, pushing his shoulder away from him. "I..yeah, I know you're my boyfriend, Zig. But maybe you need to be a little more gentle…or-or there's just some things you do that I'm not really into. The last time we..we slept together, I really hurt afterwards." Her eyes met his again, the coil of anxiety in the pit of her stomach unnaturally tight. Her boyfriend didn't show much compassion at this statement, letting out a long sigh. "Maya, you know I don't hurt you or anything..I'm just tired of catering to all of your needs. You're so indecisive that it gives me a freaking headache. You want sex, then you don't. I'm your own boyfriend and I can't even open your legs once a week."
Maya's jaw clenched a little at his wording, pulling her shirt over her head and moving the blanket over her legs. "I just wish.." Despite Zig's annoyance at her, she pushed on. "I wish it was more romantic sometimes, you know?" Her eyebrows raised in a desperate attempt to finally get on Zig's page. "You say I have a lot of needs, but that's not true. I just want to be loved, and-"
"Oh, so you think I don't love you now?" Zig's voice was raised. There was no more lust in his eyes, only anger and the desperation to get what he wanted. "You think that I'm not completely in love with you, Maya? Look at everything I've done for you. I'm sorry I'm not rich and pay for all your little needs, like those stupid guitar straps you buy-"
Maya narrowed her eyes, this time cutting him off. "They're not stupid, Zig. I'm not expecting you to understand since you don't really play guitar, but the strap evens you out when you're playing. How many times do I have to tell you that I don't care about your financial status! That stuff is crap and you know it! I've always loved you for you, and I'm not asking you to take me out to a fancy restaurant every single weekend-"
"But you'd like that, wouldn't you?" Zig was cutting her off again, his fist clenched and still on his side of the bed. "You'd like for someone to support you with everything, buy you little gifts…every girl wants that and I can't deliver."
"Oh, will you quit being ridiculous?" Maya's voice had raised for the first time in protest against him, her eyes wide with indignation. "I could care less about how much money you have! Even if we were having our dates in a..in a dumpster or something, that wouldn't change how I feel about you! All I'm asking for is a little compassion! Romance doesn't cost a penny, Zig! When we do things together, it's never romantic." Maya crossed her arms against her chest and looked down again, hating expressing these feeling to someone who most likely didn't understand.
"Whatever" was his mumble, turning around to face away from her and grabbing her pillow to hold instead of her. Maya found this reaction incredibly immature, but she wasn't new to the situation. Every time after they did something sexual, he would turn away and fall asleep. The first couple times she was very upset about it, but part of her expected it now.
Running her hands through her curls, Maya hesitated. "Zig. The last time we slept together..you hurt me a lot. I kept telling you 'not so hard' but you didn't listen. I..I was bleeding the next day, and-"
She was cut off by Zig's deep breathing- he was already asleep, his worries and cares far away from her and how she was feeling. Sitting there next to him in the bed, her skirt still down at her ankles, she felt pathetic. Whenever Maya thought about doing sexual things in the past, she had always pictured it as slightly awkward but very romantic. She knew she needed to do something, put her foot down- things needed to change.