Take Me Instead

by Er-BearG32

How would events have played out in 4x08 "God Complex" if Murphy had begged Clarke to use him as their lab rat instead of Emori? Will she agree to it? Or will other Arkadians in Becca's lab step in, putting a stop to the series of events before they get completely out of control? Go easy on me, please, this is my first The 100 fic & I haven't posted anything in 3 years...

Take Me Instead

Written by: Erin

Murphy's POV:

I couldn't remember the last time I had been filled with not only this much rage, but desperation; my blood was boiling as I continued to stare Clarke down, while at the same time did everything in my power to not cry in front of her. But as the seconds ticked by, I knew that it was useless and I was reaching the point of pleading by now. I already knew the answer to my question; I already knew that I would be next. But I didn't care.

All that mattered was Emori...and Clarke didn't give two shits about her.

"Okay, look, I'm begging here! I love her! Don't do this!" I heard my voice shaking as I started to reach new levels of desperation here. Any minute now, Emori's life could be taken away from her...by the hands of the people I was stupid enough to start to trust.

How could they do this to Emori? To me? After everything...we mattered as much to them as much as dirt on the bottom of their shoe, and Clarke's silence to my question was all the confirmation I needed. I finally allowed the tears that where threatening to escape to roll down my face, all the shame, all the pain, the anger, desperation, fury and hopelessness on full display for Clarke to see.

"Emori will be fine," Clarke's face turned hard as stone once again as she looked at me, but refused to look me in the eyes. The bitch couldn't even do THAT. Without another word, she whirled around, heading towards the door, preparing to leave me trapped, handcuffed to the rocket, once again. My heart raced like a jack-hammer in my chest as I shouted after her.

"Just take me instead, please! Clarke, just take me!" I ignored the heads that started to turn our way at the volume of my voice. I even ignored the look on Raven's face, which was a mixture of horror and guilt. I felt more wetness on my cheeks as I continued,

"Just test me! I won't fight you, I won't resist. Just don't hurt Emori, please!" At Clarke's silence, I watched as tears started rolling down her own face,

"What are you waiting for? I know you want to anyways; I know how much you hate me," I watched as Clarke started to shake her head, as if she had the nerve to try and deny that fact,

"I'll do anything, Clarke, anything!" More silence. "You know - you KNOW - what it feels like to watch someone you love, someone you care deeply for, die! Do I have to remind you that I was in the same room with you when Lexa died? When Titus shot her? Do I? You LOVED her, Clarke, and she was taking from you in the blink of an eye; and now you dare to put that same trauma onto me-" My rant was cut off as I felt a sharp sting to my right cheek and I didn't have time to catch myself with the railing my hands where cuffed to, before I felt my head hit that same railing and a shooting pain now sliced through both my forehead and my cheek. Not daring to lift my head as the last thing I wanted was for Clarke to see the look on my face...I refused to give her that satisfaction right now, even as I began to feel dizzy.

"Clarke, what the hell?!" Raven's shout was all I heard as I closed my eyes, turning my head away from everyone as the small group started to make their way back into the room. There was nothing left to do now; I had done everything I could to try and save Emori. But Clarke really hated me so much that she would take away the only person who had never judged me, never belittled me, and had loved me unconditionally...the only person in my pathetic existence who had done that before her was my father.

And he was dead because of me.

And now the same thing would happen to Emori. And I couldn't stop it.

The dam suddenly burst inside of me and the floodgates finally opened, and I didn't even try to stop it. I heard loud, annoying voices near my ear, but I didn't try to shut those out either. Nothing mattered anymore.

Nothing.

I didn't even try to stop the darkness as it enveloped me.

Clarke's POV:

I didn't even realize what I was doing until I suddenly felt the sting of my hand hitting flesh; all that was going through my mind at that moment in time was Lexa's death, Lexa's blood on my hands - literally - and our last kiss. I didn't even stop to think of what I was doing before I found myself stepping forward and before I knew it, I had slapped Murphy across the face so hard, it knocked the wind out of him as his head hit the railing.

I let out a sharp gasp as I stepped back, watching him, waiting to see how he was going to react now.

But it was not what I had expected. The Murphy that I knew months ago - the Murphy that Bellamy and I had banished from the camp way back when - was long gone; it was high time I realized this fact. The dick who we had wanted dead had been replaced by someone I barely even recognized. And that was the truth. I didn't recognize him. The prick who had held a knife to my throat right before Charlotte had jumped to her death wasn't there anymore; the prick who had wanted to kill anyone who angered him and had a hard time controlling his temper wasn't there anymore. The Murphy who was in front of me right now was not that person. The Murphy who had literally been on his knees pleading for Emori's life and offering to take her place just so that she would have a chance to live...that was the man who now had his head turned away from me, trying to hide his face, but I was able to see his shoulders shaking now, and able to hear the soft sobs that he was trying to keep from me.

I barely even heard Raven's shout at me, and didn't even know anybody else had entered the room before I felt hands grab my shoulders and turn me around to face them.

"Clarke, WHY?" My mom stared into my eyes, and before I had time to even attempt to reply, she added,

"Raven, cut him loose; we're not doing this. We're not doing this at all." I snapped out of my trance right then and turned my head just in time to see Raven take the knife my mom handed to her and huried over to where Murphy still slumped. Even now, he hadn't lifted his head to look at any of us; the guilt ate me up as I watched Raven kneel down in front of Murphy and, with a tenderness I had never seen with them before, laid a hand on his shoulder before taking the knife and slicing through the cuffs we had snapped around his wrists.

It was right then that I just now noticed the red welts around both of his wrists from the struggling he had been doing to get free, and it took everything in me to not go over there myself and try and help him. But if there was anything I knew right then, Murphy wouldn't allow me anywhere near him, let alone touch him.

So all I could do was watch.

I exchanged a look with my mom as she shook her head in what could only mean disappointment at me before she walked over to Murphy's side as well and as she knelt down beside him and Raven, she yelled over her shoulder to Miller and Jackson,

"Go and check on Emori, make sure she's okay; and once she's awake, get her over here. If there's anybody who will be able to help him now, it's her and only her." She waited until our friends walked out of the room and shut the door behind them before turning back to the slumped figure,

"I think he's in shock." I couldn't bring myself to step closer, but I was still able to hear my mom's voice from afar,

"John, are you okay? Honey, answer me."

What had I done?

Raven's POV:

If anybody had told me just a few weeks ago that I would, not only be concerned for Murphy, but would be kneeling by his side trying to help him and comort him, I would have told you that you where out of your fucking mind. If anybody had told me that I would be feeling this horrible sense of guilt over not stopping Clarke and Abby when I had the chance, before it came to THIS, I would have laughed in your face and told you to shut the hell up.

But things where becoming different now. The last time I had seen Murphy before he had shown up at Arkadia a few weeks prior, when he had attempted to help Luna's sick child, I had held a rifle at his chest and attempted to trade his life for Finn's...for a crime he didn't commit. The last time I had seen him, he was climbing up the ladder of the dropship, never to be seen again until now.

So much time had passed between then and now, yet the last person I had wanted to see was John Murphy. He was the one who had shot and crippled me after all, so to say that I still held a grudge against him was an understatement. But even I couldn't deny, over the past couple of weeks, something was changing in this twisted relationship I was developing with him.

It wasn't forgiveness or even acceptance for that matter, not really. Neither of us had apologized to the other, and I had no idea whether or not that would ever happen. But it was the start of an understanding...ever since I beat the living shit out of him, for being...well...for being Murphy. The John Murphy that I remembered back at the dropship would have reacted differently then how he had reacted the other day when I basically beat him to a pulp. He would never have returned to the lab; he never would have continued to offer his help; and he most definitely would never have listened to any of Luna's advice.

As much as I tried to deny it, there was no escaping the fact that John Murphy was changing before my eyes, befor everyone's eyes. And for the better.

But as much as those changes where becoming visible to me, they still didn't seem to be enough for Clarke, as she was still refusing to listen to reason. This was Mount Weather all over again; Roan had basically taken Luna's choices away from her by knocking her unconscious and stealing her bone marrow, and then Clarke and Abby had stood by, watching as Murphy and Emori where handcuffed to the rocket. Murphy's cries, his pleading, didn't do anything to change their decisions.

Nothing did.

All that mattered was trying the test again, even after the last guy had died screaming in agony.

Yes, Emori had lied about his identity. Yes, Murphy had known about it and did nothing to try and stop it. But that was before the real truth was revealed...the truth that Emori's insecurities where so strong, that she was so positive that they would choose her as their lab rat. And if I was being honest with myself, I couldn't blame either of them. The Grounder had indeed tried to kill her the day before, and it was Clarke's idea to choose him.

Which led to where we where now, and as I knelt by Murphy's side, I couldn't get the loud, desperate pleas for Emori's life, followed by the sickening sound of his head hitting metal after Clarke had slapped him, out of my head. Keeping my hand on his shoulder, I attempted to look into his face and frowned.

"I think he passed out, Abby," I moved to cup his cheek with my hand, bring it around so that I could see him,

"Murphy?" I spared a glance back up at Abby,

"Do you think he has a concussion?"

"I didn't hit him that hard, Raven," Clarke's voice piped up and irritation and anger churned in my stomach at just her voice.

"He hit his head on the fucking ladder, Clarke!" I snapped, watching with satisfaction as she lowered her head in what appeared to be shame,

"Why did you even hit him at all? You already handcuffed him to this rocket, and forced him to watch his girlfriend be sedated to be used as your own personal lab rat. Now you're trying to defend yourself?"

"Raven." Abby's voice turned stern, and I snapped my mouth shut, turning back to the situation in front of me,

"Clarke, go back out there with Jackson and Miller. John will not want to see you when he wakes up, I'm sure of it."

I was able to sense Clarke flinching even with my back to her.

"Mom-"

"Just go back out there, Clarke."

I watched as Murphy's eyes started to open, and before I knew I was doing it, I had whirled around, snapping,

"Now, Clarke!"

Seconds later, the sound of the door opening and closing was heard and I squeezed Murphy's shoulder carefully,

"You okay?"

I watched as confusion, pain, anger and despair - all rolled into one - contorted his face and I could only stand by and watch as it crumpled and he shook his head silently. I had no idea what I was to do; Murphy and I weren't friends yet. Our relationship was still delicate, as we where still trying to figure out what exactly to even call it. But if there was one thing I did know, and I couldn't deny any longer, it was that I cared about him.

And he cared about me. That was a fact, no matter how much he tried to deny it.

Before I could even think of what to do next, Abby beat me to it as she reached towards him and wrapped her arms tightly around his shoulders as they shook uncontrollably. I watched in silence as Murphy's entire body went rigid and he attempted to shake Abby's arms off of him, despite how weak he was. My heart ached as it dawned on me that he most likely wasn't used to any type of physical contact that didn't involve hurting him; the only type of care and love he had probably received since his father was floated was from Emori...and that very thought sent a fresh wave of guilt crashing over me.

Finally, I sat back on my good leg, letting my bad one dangle on the stairs, and watched in silence as Murphy finally relented and sank into Abby's embrace, allowing her to offer him some form of comfort from a mother that he had not received since his own mother had died.

Emori's POV:

I was expecting to wake up and feel nothing but a wave of pain. Nothing but pain as I slowly died.

Died for John.

But when my eyes, heavy as weights, slowly opened and saw the bright lights of the lab and heard 3 different voices to my right, I slowly started to come to the realization that I wasn't dead.

But if I wasn't dead...then who was?

John...John...

Blinking my eyes rapidly as I tried to sit up, I heard the voices then clear as a bell. And Clarke was one of them.

"-He wanted to take her place. And he was mentioning Lexa, over and over again."

"After what you tried to do to them, what else did you expect, Clarke?" That was...Miller? Was that his name? Nathan. Nathan Miller.

"I didn't mean to hit him like that, or cause that reaction-" Clarke again.

"But it did happen, Clarke; and now your mom refuses to let you test anybody else." Was that Jackson?

What the hell was going on?

Fully awake now, and noticing that none of the 3 saw that I was now sitting up, I yelled out,

"What did you do to John, Clarke?" I snapped much harder then I had intended, but this was John they where talking about. Where was he?

All 3 members of Skaikru whirled around, shock on all of their faces, and as I stood up shakily, Clarke started to make her way towards me,

"Emori-"

"What. Did you. Do. To John. Clarke?!" I snapped, getting into her face before grabbing a nearby chair and aimed it at the machine,

"Or so help me God, I will destroy this machine, right here and right now! Where the hell is he?!"

"He's okay! He's okay!" Clarke held her hands up and I realized just how badly I was shaking when I didn't fight Miller's hands on the chair, lowering it and out of my grasp. I ignored the snort he gave at Clarke's answer, but shot my head up at his reply though.

"If you want to call it that, Clarke."

"You didn't hurt him...did you?" I whispered, tears threatening my eyes, but I refused to allow them to fall in front of these people. At Clarke's silence, I narrowed my eyes dangerously and got back into her face,

"Tell me where he is?"

"He's in there still, he's with Abby and Raven." Jackson whispered, nodding towards the closed door, and that was enough information I needed to hear before I ran full speed towards the door and hit the button to open it. I fully expected to see my boyfriend still handcuffed to that god-forsaken rocket; what I did not expect was to see him curled into Abby's arms, sobbing, his entire body shaking, and Raven on his other side, her hand rubbing his back.

"John..." I wasted no time saying his name and watched as his head shot up and I nearly burst into tears...if not for the fact that we weren't alone. He shrugged out of Abby's hold and climbed to his feet as I made a mad dash towards him. John had barely climbed down to the floor before I flung myself into his arms, my arms winding tightly around his neck as I buried my face into his shoulder,

"John..."

"Let's leave them alone, Raven," I heard Abby whisper from beside us, but I paid no attention to either of them. The only one I paid attention to was in my arms, trembling, even as he kissed my cheeks and the top of my head. Minutes seemed to had passed, I'm not sure, before I felt John pull slightly away and cup my face in his hands.

"I'm so sorry, Emori, I tried to stop them...I tried to offer myself, but Clarke wouldn't..." I watched as a mixture of anger, pain and betrayal washed over his face; and although a part of me wanted to hit him for even letting the thought of offering himself in my place cross his mind, I knew I coudn't be angry at him. The mere image of watching him break down in Abby's arms as I had entered the room wouldn't leave my mind, and neither would the sight of his tears. It was very rare, in the time John and I had known one another and been together, for him to allow himself to cry in front of me; but those few times that he did, it had never been a complete breakdown.

Until now.

"Don't you dare...don't you dare try and do that again, John Murphy," I hissed, reaching up and grabbing his cheeks in my hands, rubbing my thumbs through the tears,

"You...You're too important. I can't let you do that again..." My eyes landed on his damaged wrists as he reached up and grabbed a hold of my hands,

"John...your wrists...we need to fix those, okay? We'll go on back to the mansion and stay there the rest of the night, just us."

Nodding his head quietly, John sucked in a sharp breath before he leaned down and kissed my forehead and then my lips,

"You're okay, though. That's all that matters."

Clarke's POV:

Hours passed by, but it seemed like days, and I sat alone on the staircase of the lab. My mother, Raven, Jackson, Miller, Roan and Luna...I assumed they where all either upstairs or had left. And Murphy and Emori...they had left for ALIE's mansion almost immediately after Emori had woken up. I recalled crystal clear in my head, watching as the two hurried past all of us, their arms around each other, and towards the stairs. I remembered the look on Murphy's face...a look which would forever be etched into my memory. A look of complete and utter betrayal and hatred, directed right towards me. He hadn't said anything to any of us - neither did Emori for that matter - before they had climbed the stairs and left the lab.

I lowered my head into my hands and ran my fingers through my hair, yanking on it. I had failed miserably this time; there was no way either of them would forgive me for this, and I couldn't blame them. I wouldn't blame my other friends or my mother if they held any type of grudge after tonight's disaster either.

Before I could continue beating myself up mentally about the choices I had tried to make - the choices I DID make - footsteps from upstairs sounded in the empty room and I rose to my feet as Bellamy hurried in. One look at him told me instantly that he knew what had happened, and I hated myself all the more.

If there was one person I could not stand to be angry at me, or hate me, it was Bellamy.

"Why did you do that, Clarke?" His voice boomed from the top of the stairs,

"Why?"

"I don't know-"

"Yes, you do," He interrupted, climbing down the stairs and stared me down,

"Your mom's still upstairs and she told me everything that happened, what happened here today." He narrowed his eyes at me and I looked away,

"You did it because it's Murphy, didn't you?"

I lifted my head and glared angrily up at him,

"How could you even think that? He's my friend, Bellamy-"

"Really? Because you sure didn't act like one today," He snapped back, running a hand through his dark curls,

"Look, I'm not excusing everything he's done in the past, Clarke, and neither should you. But he's not excusing it either; and now matter how much you don't want to see it, or admit it, he's not the same guy he was before."

"I KNOW that, Bellamy!" I finally shouted right back at him, getting into his face,

"You think I haven't seen it since he saved us in Polis? Since he saved you and my MOM? None of that is why we chose to do what we did!"

"Then why did you, Clarke?" I watched as Bellamy threw his hands up in the air in exaspiration,

"Explain it to me, because none of this makes sense!"

"We had no choice! There was no other choice!"

"That's what you always say, Clarke, find another answer, because that one...it got old after Mount Weather!" Bellamy growled,

"You had no choice then, you had no choice now. But you're willing to sacrifice your own people this time, to save those who have a better chance of surviving, like yourself and your mom, isn't that right, Clarke?"

I continued to glare angrily into his face,

"I thought you knew me better then that, Bell."

"So did I," His voice lowered, and I had to admit, it angered me more then his rage did,

"Just tell me what you where really thinking, Clarke, because Murphy and Emori didn't deserve that, no matter what you might think-"

"I know they didn't!" I screamed, finally unable to hold back the tears any longer,

"They didn't, okay? He didn't deserve it, and neither did Emori! What was I supposed to do then, Bellamy? Tell me, please! What was I supposed to do? What AM I supposed to do?!" I slumped back down onto the staircase,

"He's never going to forgive me or let it go, and I don't blame him for that."

"Maybe not," Bellamy agreed, sitting down beside me and resting a hand on my shoulder. He was silent, as if waiting for me to look at him, and once I did, he continued,

"But then again, he might." He shrugged his shoulders,

"But there is one thing you can do to at least start to fix this." I silently urged him to continue,

"Apologize to both of them. And mean it."

"Have you apologized for the things you've done to him, Bell?" I whispered back, unable to stop throwing the shade right back in his face.

"I'm still trying to figure out HOW to do that, because what I did...it was worse."

Murphy's POV:

I was exhausted, but I couldn't sleep. Not after...everything. Instead, I sat at the kitchen table, a bottle of alcohol in front of me as I tried to drown away the pain that wouldn't go away. One eye was on the nearly empty bottle in my hand, while the other was on Emori, who had fallen asleep on the couch in the other room. There was no way I was letting her out of my sight for the rest of the day, and she appeared to okay with that, too.

I sighed tiredly and ran a hand through my hair. I was just getting ready to say "screw it all" and take Emori upstairs to the Master bedroom, when I saw a tall figure outside, walking past the pool and towards the door. I stood up and placed my hand on the gun I kept tucked in the back of my pants, ready to shoot at anyone who dared to harm Emori, when I saw who it was.

Bellamy.

What in the hell was Blake doing here? And this late at night, too? Shouldn't he be back at Arkadia by now? Hell, I had no idea he was even on this island.

"Bellamy? What the fuck are you doing here?"

A small smirk appeared on Blake's face and I could feel his eyes on me as I took a seat on the couch beside Emori's head, gently lifting it and placing it on my lap, pleased that she didn't wake up at the motion. Letting my hand run through her soft, dark hair and then running a finger down the side of her face over her tattoo, I sucked in a sharp breath and then looked up at Bellamy, watching his every move as he sat down across from me.

"Abby asked me to come back here a while ago after...what happened."

I flinched and narrowed my eyes at Bellamy,

"I don't want to talk about that, Blake, alright? And if you're only here to defend Clarke, then you might want to save yourself the trouble and just leave." All the overwhelming emotions that I had allowed to show on my face all day today - emotions that I never allowed to surface unless it was around Emori - tried to sneak back in me, but I stubbornly shoved them down. Because there was no way in hell I was going to allow myself to be that vulnerable in front of Bellamy Blake.

"I'm not trying to defend her, Murphy."

Those words caused my head to shoot up and I was sure my eyes where as wide as they could go.

"You're not?" Gulping, I looked back down at Emori's face and then back up at Blake,

"Then why...?"

"I know you probably don't want to hear any apologies; and any apologies either of us give you, you'll probably just react with some snarky comeback," Bellamy smirked at me before his face and his voice took on a serious tone,

"I'm not going to defend Clarke for what she did, and she should be here to apologize to you herself; but she doesn't know how to face you."

"Good," I snapped back, anger churning in my stomach all over again,

"Because there's nothing she can say or do that can fix this."

"You don't mean that, Murphy," Bellamy arched an eyebrow.

"I don't, huh?" I growled,

"Then tell me, oh wise one, why don't I mean that?"

"Because I've seen you forgive people lately," Came his immediate reply,

"When the apology is real. When the person apologizing actually means it." He nodded down at my girlfriend, the most important person in the world to me,

"Her. You love her, Murphy. Clarke and I both see that, we both know that."

"What's your point, Blake?" I lowered my voice as well as my eyes. Damnit, the vulnerability was resurfacing and I couldn't let that happen again...

"My point is this, Murphy," I kept my head lowered, but heard Blake rise to his feet and take a seat on the chair closer to me,

"Clarke might not be able to face you, but I can. And I want you to know that I'm sorry."

I was never expecting those words to come out of Bellamy's mouth, especially directed at me. But there they where. And even as he said them, I couldn't bring myself to look at him, as I knew that he would be seeing nothing but a deep, raw agony I was trying to hide from everyone. Instead, I asked quietly, keeping my gaze turned away,

"You're sorry for what?"

"For everything. Even what happened on this island today. But you deserve an apology for what I did when we first landed. I know you might not forgive me right now, and I'm not asking you to, but I'm sorry, Murphy."

I couldn't bring myself to say anything, but I finally allowed myself to lift my head and look at him, the damn vulnerability now on full display all over again. I forced myself to look him straight in the eyes, expecting to see a smirk. Or worse, I expected to see him just shake his head, deny everything, and get up and leave.

I did not expect the sincerity of the words.

Did I forgive him though? And could I ever forgive Clarke Griffin for that matter?

I had no idea. Months ago, I would have flat-out said "no way in hell", but even I had to admit, Bellamy was right about one thing, and that was that I had forgiven Emori for taking the City of Light chip. The forgiveness gene was in me; it was burried deep, but it was there.

"You don't have to say anything," Bellamy continued, and I watched his hand start to reach out to me. I forced myself not to flinch, but when his hand cupped the back of my neck, I felt a little bit of the tension leave me,

"I just wanted to let you know that, okay?" I nodded my head slightly and allowed a single tear to fall down my cheek just as I felt Blake move hand to wrap tentatively around my shoulders. I stiffened up once again, just like when Abby had done the same thing today; Bellamy must have felt the tension return to my shoulders as well, because he just gave me a quick, light squeeze before letting go. He had to have known by now that physical contact and me...it was limited, and not always the most welcome.

"I'm gonna head back to the lab," Bellamy rose to his feet and started to make his way back towards the door,

"We're all gonna be heading out for the bunker within the next 2 days, so make sure you're at least back there by then, alright?"

"I'm a survivor, Bell; do you expect anything else?" I quietly snarked back at him, calmly now placing the mask back over the emotions I had released today. I watched as Bellamy smirked at me one more time before walking out the door, shutting it behind him as he went.

As soon as he was gone, I turned back to Emori and ran my fingers through her soft hair one more time before rising to my feet and picking her up as I went. Her head rolled onto my shoulder and I smiled as I felt her snuggle into my shoulder. Emori was my life; my reason for living. Without her, I didn't know what in the hell I would do.

So if there was anything I was grateful for that happened during this shitty day...it was that she was still with me, still breathing, and still in my arms. I kissed her forehead gently before turning and walking up the stairs towards the awaiting Master bedroom, where there was nothing but pleasurable moments.

END