read this!

Okay, the inspiration for this was a video I watched recently- Hozier, Take me to church. Watch it; it is one of the most powerful things I have ever watched. I wept afterwards, cried for everyone who has been persecuted FOR LOVING. It just struck me how horrific it was that two people could not love openly without facing violence and judgement.

LOVE IS LOVE. Anyone who says otherwise is encouraging hatred. I don't care much for homophobia.

It so eloquently explains the unjustified hatred of society, and reflects the awful situation in Russia. This is written for them. And indeed everyone facing hardships and worries in their lives.

I bare my soul to you

Magnus,

The clock ticks. It's the only thing that marks time for me now. The only thing that connects me to the real world.

Tick Tock. They'll come for me again. I know they will.

Tick Tock. I can only be glad of one thing; that you're not with me, that you're safe.

Tick Tock. I know it'll be hard for you. When you you ask my siblings where I am. I know you will grieve for me, but please, know this, love; I am happy. You brought so many days of life, of happiness, of love to me. You taught me the meaning of the word love. Before I met you, love was a selfish, manipulative thing choking me. But you set me free. You dragged the heavy chains off my body and replaced them with warm arms. You showed me love is unrestrained and unconditional, that when you love someone, you'll die for them. You loved me before I even knew I loved you.

I do not regret you. You alone have brought to me the happiest days of my life, and I would not give those days up to be free a little longer.

Tick Tock. I will remember our days together when they come back. When they tear and lash out at me, I will recall how soft your caresses were. When I see their faces full of raw, inexplicable hatred, I will think of your eyes, full with joy, laughter and adoration.

Adoration for me. I never believed someone would ever love me as you do. I'd seen couples in love, some so far that they didn't notice anyone outside of their little world, and I thought sadly that I'd never have that. No-one would ever look at me as something special or precious. No-one would ever want to kiss or touch me. But you did. You did.

Tick Tock. Take me back to that day. Please don't let me see their eyes full of judgement. I can't think of myself as 'unnatural, an aberration and inferior to everyone else', not when you look at me. But, love, when you're not here, I fear I'll begin to believe them. I fear that their words will tear through your protective shield. I live in terror that perhaps I shall stop listening to your beautiful, inspiring words, and ingest their noxious, jagged lies. When you're surrounding by nothing but falseness, how do you know what is the truth any more? I pray I do not succumb, love, I pray for us.

Tick Tock. My soul aches for you. You have no idea what I would give for one more day with you. I want to make love to you and wake up in that sleepy-perfectly-warm state, no cares, no worries, no fears. I want you to wake up, and smile when you see me gazing at you in amazement. The truth is, love, every time I wonder, how can I possibly have this man in my arms? Nothing on this earth is as beautiful as you are to me.

Tick Tock. I suppose this seems strange to you, doesn't it? To read my writing filled with such affection, and for me to use endearments. I should have given you more while I still could. I should have lived every day telling you how much I love you, calling you 'sweetheart, darling, love'. I held back, and I know the cost of that now. I should have dared to love you as fully as I could, no restrictions, no hiding. I never want to hide again, Magnus, not ever. I acted as if I was ashamed of our love, ashamed of you. Please know, it was never you. I was too afraid, too concerned over what the Clave would think, of what my parents would think. You should have come first, love. You offered me real, unconditional love and I refused you over and over again. Yet I found the courage to declare our love to the Shadow world. I did it because I did not want to lose you; you are so important to me.

Tick Tock. I think I can hear them coming, so there is only time for me to share one last memory with you.

You remember the day, don't you? The day I asked you to be my partner not only in battle, but in love. I kissed you, and I didn't care that hundreds of Shadowhunters and Downworlders alike watched. All I could feel was you; your body frozen with the shock of my very public declaration, the ghost of a smile as you realised I was done with the secrecy. The pride in your eyes as I drew back from you, that I was a coward no longer. That I had become comfortable with being me.

Even as we went to fight, darling, I was smiling on the inside. I could have died then and been happy, for I knew that you knew I loved you. You still to this day have no idea how important that was to me. It became vital that you knew, I needed it like I need my heart to beat, my brain to think and my legs to walk. I needed you.

I felt it, you know. I felt your magic inside of me. It frothed and rolled and sparked. It was a fantastic and surreal feeling; powerful, dangerous and intoxicating. It would be so easy for you to let it overwhelm you, to let the magic control you, wouldn't it? You're always so in control though, and admire you for that. You're strong, far more so
than I am. But that's okay; I'll be the the little boat in the storm, and you can be my anchor. You hold me steady, always by my side through the danger.

When that short but vicious battle ended, I searched frantically for you. I knew you were alive, I could still feel your energy inside of me, but you could be wounded, bleeding to death from a horrific wound. Oh, how the images flashed before my eyes, darling. My breaths were short, and heart thudding. I tried desperately to tell if the energy within me was fading. I remember almost sinking to the ground when I felt it was.

I called out your name, over and over, needing to find you.

"Alexander."

I heard your tired but triumphant voice, and spun to face you. My eyes quickly scrutinised you for injuries, and yes you had some deep cuts, but you were not dying.

"You're okay, you're okay," I murmured over and over as I fell into your embrace. "I felt the rune fading..."

"I as well," Magnus answered softly. "It was because the need for it was gone. The Mortal War is over. Valentine is dead."

I don't know how long we stayed there for, just holding each other. Probably longer than the actual battle lasted, but soon enough we began to stumble towards Alicante.

I saw my family and friends, and I was happy. But not as overwhelmingly so as when I saw your face. And of course, I still felt uneasy about how my parents would react to you- to you and I. Yet I had to be brave now; I'd made a public statement about how I felt about you, and it was impossible to refute that now.

Mom's pale blue clawed at the sense of security I'd felt while holding your hand. This was the moment, the one which would destroy me or give me the acceptance I was desperate for.

"Hi, Mom," I said, cursing my own awkwardness.

"Alexander," she replied, her eyebrows high. Her eyes moved past me though. " And Magnus Bane."

"Maryse," he acknowledged politely.

Silence descended for a second before I realised, Oh, this is the point I explain the kiss. In front of the entire Clave.

I took a tremulous breath, and you squeezed my hand gently. "I'm not sorry for what I did, not in the least. It was the single bravest thing I've done in my entire life, the single thing I feel truly proud of." I looked up at you, love, and felt and sense of right course through me. "I'm in love," I said softly. "And yes, he's hardly the most conventional person, hardly the person you imagined me standing beside as I told you I loved them. But I know that with him I'm happy in a way I've never been before, a way that gives me hope and inspiration and courage. And I know now I'm not prepared to lose him, not for anyone." I suddenly ran out of those eloquent words, but there was only the briefest of silences.

"Alexander." You whispered my name. Finally, the moment when you truly believed that I loved you without doubt. The moment when I didn't care if I was disowned and stripped of my marks, because even then, I would still have you...

Tick Tock. My time is up. You, and you alone know the secrets of my heart, and I ask that you don't take them to the grave. Let my family know that I was euphoric in my last days and that they can know I am at peace,

I give to you the only parts of me that are truly immortal, my love and my soul.

Until we meet again,

Alec.

I nearly cried as I wrote this, so feel free to tell me how this makes you feel.

Also, just to confirm, Alec does die and you can imagine the people killing him are some kind of psychotic Nazi-like, emotionless, heartless, soulless, monstrous, cold-blooded, murdering bastards.

Basically anyone who thinks themselves superior to someone/ a group of people.

Fin.