Her eyes were reflecting the color of the sunset. So beautiful and vibrant. That was the last time I saw her eyes.

Chapter 21

A few hours after my prefuneral I still had a deep ache in well… everywhere. I was sitting up on my "death bed", half of the sheets on the floor from me constantly bending over to throw up, when my phone started to ring. I grabbed it quickly when I saw it was Hazel Grace calling, and banged my elbow in the metal headboard of the bed. I grit my teeth and ended up answering after three rings. I waited for someone to answer. I could hear a distant sobbing in the background but no one said a word on the other line. From that moment, I knew what had happened. It was not Hazel Grace on the other line. But I wouldn't believe it.

"Hazel Grace, are you okay?" I said in a sympathetic voice, trying to stay strong yet noticing my voice crack. The sobbing had turned into hysterics within seconds.

Still no answer.

"Hazel Grace?" I ask.

"I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry Augustus. I'm sorry" the person on the other line started balling.

I drop the phone and start to shake. I start to feel my eyes well up with tears because

THIS CANNOT BE HAPPENEING.

Chapter 22

The world is not a wish-granting factory. I cannot have everything in this world. I may have cancer but I am still any other teenage boy. Hazel Grace was considered a hopeless young teenage girl with cancer. Not in my eyes. In my eyes she was a beautiful, wonderful, thoughtful, tear –jerking girl and my life will never be the same without her. I feel like I am nothing now. But I am still yet to believe she is gone.

I am so confused. How can she be gone. She was doing well on the medicine. She had a few years, as the doctors said. I thought she would overcome the cancer. I knew she would. I was supposed to be gone before her. I was supposed to make the odds in her favor.

I am still sitting on my death bed, waiting for the tears to fall. I know that when they do, I won't be able to stop. I remember everything we did together, every moment we shared. I remember going to Amsterdam with her and I remember her smile. So bright and grand. I remember her. She didn't care what other people thought. She had this hilarious sense of humor that always made me laugh.

Then I remember what she told me. She told me she would buy me a pack of cigarettes. Now, more than anything in the world, I want her to come and hand me a pack of cigarettes. I want her to say that she loves me, and, GOD DANG IT, I want her to tell me that everything is going to be okay. I would do anything for one more word, one more smile.

That's when I feel the first tear fall.

Chapter 23

I had lost a lot of fluid from crying. That just made my condition much worse. It has been three days since Hazel Grace has passed and I still have not recovered. I try my best not to cry because I know she wouldn't want me to cry. I take the glass of water from my dresser and find it almost empty, just a few drops left. I feel so weak and I'm so ashamed that I can't get my own glass of water, but my throat is on fire.

"Mom" I try to yell but it only comes out in a whisper. My family had left me to sleep and give me some space to think. No one would hear me now.

I drink the last drops of water from the cup and flip it over. I felt drops of water fall on the blanket on top of me, but I didn't care. I find a pen on the dresser next to me and tap the end of it on the glass cup. Not hard enough. I tap it again, harder this time and it makes an audible noise. I do this several times without stopping before someone slams the door open.

"Augustus what happened? Is everything okay? Are you hurt?" my mother opens the light and runs to the side of my bed. She is crazy out of her mind and is on the tip of hyperventilating.

"Mom", I manage to say loud enough for her to hear me over her breathing. "All I needed was a glass of water; I didn't mean to startle you."

"Thank god you're okay. I thought you were hurt. I really should get you a bell labeled, I need water." My mother has been trying to cheer me up since Hazel Grace died but it hasn't been working. When she noticed the hurt on my face she said, "Let me go get you that glass of water." She walked out the door without looking back and I could hear her talking to dad. Must be about me.

Hazel Grace had her funeral today, and I could not attend. Even if I could move, which I am no longer capable of doing, I don't think I would have gone. If I saw Hazel Grace dead, I wouldn't be able to forgive myself for not being by her side, for not telling her that everything would be okay. The truth is, no one could be by her side, she died so unexpectedly.

My mother told me that her mother and father once again said sorry. I told my mom to give my respect due to the parents from a note I wrote. I told my mom not to look at it. It was for her own good too, she would break down again if she read the note. It's not very long but I think it represented my respect well. It definitely showed I was grieving.

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Lancaster,

I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. As you know, we had a very close relationship. I loved her very much. I knew she especially loved me. It wrecked my heart when I knew what happened. I still have not recovered and you probably have not either, but I want you to know something. Your daughter was the most amazing, loveable, amusing, and beautiful girl I have ever had the privilege to know and I hope you know that. Your daughter was strong and got us all through things when we were down. Even though she is not here to tell us a joke, we can remember the good times. Most of all, I know she would want us to remember that we couldn't do anything to fix this, that it wasn't our fault. She would want us to stop beating ourselves up because we thought we could help. She would want us to know that we did everything right, that we were there for her. I am trying to stop beating myself up and you should to. I am once again sorry for your loss and that I could not attend the funeral. I will never forget Hazel Grace.

Sincerely,

Augustus Waters

TO BE CONTINUED