How we got to where we're going

by Gripped you tight

When Sam and Dean face their destiny in Detriot, Dean yet again sacrifices himself to save Sam. Now convinced his brother and the the man he risked everything for is still alive, Sam and Castiel set out on a cross country mission to find Dean.

Sam keeps the speedometer needle at 55 as the Impala rumbles down Route 22. He can hear the soft snoring of Castiel beside him and his eyes wander over the soft features that now make up his human face. He turns the radio up a notch, slides Dean's sunglasses down his face and kicks the needle up to 60.

2 months earlier:

Lucifer dressed up like a slut on prom night in their brother Adam's body, raises his hand to Sam as he lies bloodied and broken on the dead and brown grass in Stull cemetery. Sam closes his eyes, awaiting his fate. He had said not to his destiny; he and Dean making a pact to do this their way. To screw destiny right in the face and go down swinging. But Lucifer needed his vessel; he needed Winchester blood in order to keep living. How he found Adam, how Adam got out of that green room and into the hands of the devil, Sam and Dean would never know.

Sam looks quickly around, trying to find his brother who had been spun around and thrown clear across the cemetery like a ragdoll by Lucifer.

"It didn't have to be this way, Sam." It sounds like Adam, but he knows it isn't.

"Go to hell." Sam spits out with some blood through clenched teeth.

"Oh, I don't think so. I plan to bring hell, up here."

The earth starts to shake and Sam takes a deep breath, his happiest memories of him and Dean flashing before his eyes. Them as kids in the Impala with Dad, playing army men and carving their initials into the leather. Their many road trips since they teamed up 5 years ago. The practical jokes, the women, the many women. But what he remembers the most, the thing that would make up his heaven, would be the clear nights sitting on the hood of the Impala, just watching the stars for hours, never saying a word. Those are the nights he would miss the most.

That's when he would miss earth the most.

A bright beam of light flashes across the overcast sky and behind Sam's closed eyes. When he opens them Adam is no where to be seem. The earth is quiet. He stands, wobbly, gripping the dirt underneath him. He stumbles, looking for anything that resembles answers as to what had just happened. When his eyes fall upon the Impala, he finds his brother, no scratches or bruises on him from his short bout with Lucifer, leaning against the Impala.

"Dean?"

Dean smiles, but Sam feels his stomach lurch. That isn't Dean.

"Where's my brother?" Sam growls.

Dean pushes his hands off the hood of the Impala and walks slowly to Sam. "I needed to borrow him for just a little while."

"You son of a bitch!" Sam lunges at him but his fist is grabbed mid air, twisted until he buckles to his knees on the dirt.

"Now, now, Sam. We both know this was how it was going to end. Just because you said no, doesn't mean Dean was going to get off the hook either. Besides, he practically begged for this."

Sam looks up into his brother's eyes but sees nothing but emptiness. "To save me. So Lucifer wouldn't kill me."

"That's what I love about you Winchesters. Always willing to sacrifice yourselves for one another."

"Get out of my brother."

Michael smiles gently down at the younger man. "As soon as I'm done."

Sam puts the car in park and gently shakes Castiel's shoulder.

"Hey. You hungry?"

Castiel slowly awakes, his blue eyes fluttering in the sunlight beaming in through the windshield. "Yes. I could eat."

Sam smirks at how fast Castiel had taken to his new humanness. "This was one of Dean's favorite Diner's. Hot woman and good burgers."

Castiel slowly rolls his head to look at outside of the diner. "He won't be here."

Sam's smirk slowly descends. "No. Probably not. But it's the closest thing we have."

"It's been months. We're never gonna find him."

"Yes we will." Sam answers quickly and hard. "We will. He's somewhere."

"Yes. Hell. Dean is back in hell. Wrapped up nice in Michael's wings. If that could even keep him safe."

Sam grips the steering wheel of the Impala, closing his eyes behind the sunglasses. It seems it's the two things he has left of Dean's.

Well those things…and Castiel.

2 months earlier:

Sam continues to scream as he shovels at the dirt, digging, ripping, trying to reopen the hole that just devoured his brothers. He curses and pounds the earth, unable to handle the pain that is consuming his entire body now. The pain is unbearable. He feels vomit rise in his throat and his throat is going raw from screaming so hard.

It wasn't supposed to end like this. Dean wasn't supposed to sacrifice himself, again, for Sam. They were supposed to keep fighting, and if they were supposed to die, it would be together, in glory, going down swinging. Not jumping into hell as an angel condom as Dean always used to say.

Used to.

No.

Sam claws at the ground until his fingers are raw and bloody. His shirt is wet from sweat and tears and the only sound in the air now is his screams.

He feels a hand on his shoulder and screams louder, knocking the hand off, and grabbing at whoever had just touched him.

"Sam. Sam. Stop. Stop it, son."

Sam feels Bobby's strong father like arms around him. He sobs into his shoulder, clutching his bloodied fingers into his shirt. "Dean…" he whimpers.

Sam opens his eyes as Bobby hugs him tighter in his arms. He see's Castiel, standing away, a pained expression on his face. The fading sun behind him almost makes him look angelic, ironic in its own sense.

As the sun sets down on Stull cemetery, Bobby holds the closest thing he has to son in his arms as he shakes and sobs at the loss of his brother. The entire time Sam cries he watches Castiel, stone still 10 feet away, crying for the first time as a human for the same loss.

Castiel picks at his fries, swirling the ketchup around his plate lazily. Sam barely touches his burger.

"Ever think about giving up?"

Sam looks up into blue eyes. Every day he looks more and more human.

"Never." Sam lies.

2 months earlier:

Castiel finds Sam sitting on the hood of the Impala in the scrap yard behind Bobby's house. It's a clear night, and Cas closes his eyes, wondering if by any mere chance he can still hear his brothers talking. He can't, and he realizes he's no ones brother anymore.

Castiel remains quiet for a long time, not wanting to bother Sam. But Sam sees him immediately, but does remain silent. Sam's only gesture is handing Cas a beer, which he takes, but does not drink. He learned his lesson about drinking. It really doesn't help anything and just makes him the pain even worse when he sobers up.

The stars are so bright it reminds Castiel of the nights he was searching for God. It wasn't all business on those nights; he did take the time to take in the beauty of the world. The beauty that his father had created and worked so hard to maintain. And it was still beautiful, but he wonders if it would ever be as beautiful as the nights with Dean when the stars were this bright.

Dean taught him to appreciate the smaller things. A good beer, which until now he really didn't understand. Woman, but to this day Castiel still doesn't appreciate. A good sandwich in which Castiel does still appreciate. But none of them mean the same with Dean here.

"When Dean went to hell," Sam begins. "I wasn't sure I would be able to go on. Those first few days were unbearable. I cried like a 5 year old kid who just skinned his knee on the playground in front of all the other kids. I cursed God, and the devil, and mostly myself for not saving him."

Castiel just listens, unable to look at Sam while he speaks. The Winchesters in pain is his greatest weakness.

"But this pain." Sam whispers, barely able to control his emotions. "What kills me is he did it again. He did this for me. Just once, I wanted to be the fucking hero." Sam hurls his beer bottle across the yard, it shattering against a broken down dodge truck.

"Being a hero isn't everything." Castiel reminds him.

"I wanted to be the one to save him, just once. Just once, I wanted to be the one to make the sacrifice." Sam buries his face in his hands, his long hair hanging down over his large fingers.

Castiel touches Sam's shoulder almost ghost like. "You did."

By the time Sam and Castiel leave the diner, its sunset. They both stand beside the Impala for a while, watching as the sky turns every color of the rainbow. Sam wonders as the sun finally disappears behind the Colorado mountains, if Dean would ever see a sunset again. He wonders if Dean can see the sunset from where he is.

Castiel wonders if he will ever watch a sunset with Dean again.

"Do you like eggs?"

Castiel unfolds his napkin and lays it across his lap. "I believe so, yes."

Sam shovels some scrambled eggs onto his plate and gives him a tiny smile.

"I didn't know you cooked."

"I used to have to cook for myself all the time as a kid." Sam explains. Castiel finds this sad.

"Where's Bobby?"

"Probably out walking around somewhere. Still not used to his sea leg yet."

Castiel takes a few bites of the eggs and swallows slowly. "Are we going to leave today?"

Sam pulls the chair out and sits down hard at the table. "Bobby says we're crazy."

"Perhaps we are." Castiel eyes the younger Winchester across the table. "Does that mean you no longer want to do it?"

"No. We're going." Sam scoops up a huge mound of eggs and shoves it in his mouth.

"Okay. We should leave tonight then. Traveling at night is always better."

Sam's face softens. "Dean felt the same way."

"I think I know the words to every single cassette tape you play."

"Now you know how I felt for the past 5 years." Sam says smiling. The first time in weeks.

"Dean doesn't seem to like change." Castiel gazes out the window at the passing night.

"No one does."

"I do. I used to like to see how the world changed. But things went faster before…"

"You were human?" Sam finishes.

Castiel remains quiet.

"Do you ever regret it?" Sam asks.

Castiel quickly looks at him. "No." He answers quickly.

Sam eyes him, stunned. "Really? After all you gave up?"

"I don't regret a thing. I did it for him."

"God?" Sam looks at Castiel quickly as the Impala rumbles down the highway.

Castiel returns his gaze to the black night outside the window. "No. For Dean."

2 months earlier:

"You know I think this is crazy, son." Bobby tells Sam as he loads his duffle bag into the trunk of the Impala. He looks to Castiel for his bag but Castiel just shrugs; he has no clothes but the ones he is wearing. The same clothes he has always worn.

"We're gonna get you some normal clothes on the road." Sam tells him slamming the trunk shut. Castiel nods.

"Are you even listening to me?

Sam and Castiel look at Bobby who is, as usual, giving them the 'are you idgits out of your mind?' look.

"Bobby, we have to do this. You know we do." Sam opens the driver's side door and leans his long arm across it.

"Yeah." Bobby groans. "I know."

Sam hugs Bobby a little longer than he probably should because he knows it's the last time he will see him for a while. Castiel shakes Bobby's hand because he knows that's what you're supposed to do at times like this.

Bobby watches the Impala drive away into the night, kicking up dirt, Led Zeppelin blaring through the windows.

God runs into Sam and Castiel at a gas station off Route 1 near Erie Indiana. He sparks up normal conversation, something Castiel seems happier to take part in than Sam.

"I hope you find what you're looking for," he tells them as they return to their car.

"How do you know we're looking for anything?" Sam asks.

God just smiles and gives him a tiny nod. "All of us are looking for something."

One and a half months earlier:

Castiel unwraps his hamburger, but stops mid bite as he sees Sam has not touched his burger.

"You should eat."

Sam shakes his head and clicks a few more times on his laptop. He had been researching for days on end. Castiel knows he hasn't been eating, but he's pretty sure he hasn't been sleeping either.

"Now I know why Dean used to get so frustrated with you." Castiel says mouth full of food. Sam scowls from behind his screen.

"Well nothing ever got done unless I researched." Sam lifts his eyes. "Dean played the hero best."

"You're a hero too, Sam."

It's the first time anyone has ever told Sam that, and he believed it.

"Didn't you think that guy was a little strange?" Sam asks Castiel as they pull out back onto the highway.

"What guy?" Castiel asks rolling down his window. He enjoys the wind on his face the most about the long car rides.

"The guy. Back at the gas station."

Castiel shrugs. "He was just a lonely old man, Sam. No harm."

Sam wonders when Castiel had become so human.

1 and half months earlier:

Castiel finally lets up when Sam eats a salad and gets 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep. Sam thinks they should head to Lawrence. Castiel doesn't understand the significance of it, but he trusts Sam.

He tells Sam they can leave for Lawrence when Sam eats a piece of pie and gets 3 more hours of sleep.

Sam huffs, but he eats the apple pie on the bed with Castiel and falls asleep to the sound of reality TV Castiel has grown to like so much.

"I feel like I knew that guy from somewhere."

Castiel groans. "Sam. Do you want to go back?"

"No. No." Sam shakes his head. "We need to keep going. We're almost to Lawrence."

"We've been almost to Lawrence for almost two months."

"We needed to search everywhere."

Castiel nods, closing his eyes to feeling of the warm air on his skin. "And all of Dean's favorite diners and swag motels was everywhere." It wasn't a question. And Castiel wasn't being sarcastic either.

Sam grips the steering wheel. "Yes."

1 and half months earlier:

Sam gets a haircut on the road. He tells Castiel it's because it's easier to maintain when they go days without a shower. Castiel doesn't care either way.

But when Castiel wakes one morning, eyes blurry and still full of sleep, he swears he sees Dean with his back to him in the motel's bathroom doorway. It makes his skin tingle and the feeling rises in his chest like right before he shed his first tears at Stull Cemetery.

Sam turns around, rubbing his now short hair with a towel. "You up?"

Sam thinks most of the time no one could feel the pain he feels. No one can understand what its like to lose their brother. The other part of them that makes them whole. No one understands what its like to love someone so much, to sacrifice yourself so much for someone, just to watch them disappear in front of your eyes and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it.

It had been almost two months and every lead they had, ever 'feeling' he and Castiel had had about where Dean was…or if Dean even "was" had turned up cold. 2 months and he wonders if maybe it's a lost cause.

Sam makes a vow to himself that when they reach Lawrence, if Dean isn't there, they would end the search.

Sam exits the motel bathroom to find Castiel sound asleep on the bed, wearing one of Dean's t-shirts.

It's the most peaceful Sam had seen Castiel in 2 months.

Sam knows now, someone does feel the pain he does.

One and half months earlier:

"You never told me what your heaven was like." Castiel asks one night as they sit in the Impala, overlooking a large cliff outside of Las Vegas. Sam insisted on going. Old times sake. For Dean.

"Just memories." Sam says softly, admiring the lights from the strip.

"I wonder what mine will be like."

Sam quickly turns to look at Castiel. "What?"

Castiel sighs and runs his finger along the dashboard. "I mean, if I get in."

"Well if Dean and I can get in, I'm sure you can." Sam assures him.

Castiel remains quiet for a while, taking in the bright lights with Sam. "I imagine my heaven would be memories too."

"Of your time as an angel?"

He shakes his head. "No. This. And with Dean."

They make it just to the border of Kansas when the Impala breaks down. Sam has no clue how to fix it; that was always Dean's skill. He and Castiel drop it off at a shop and decide to turn in for the night at a motel up the street. The walk there is quiet and slow. The air is thick and humid, like most summer nights in Kansas. Sam remembers some of them faintly as a child.

"So this is where you and Dean grew up?" Castiel asks.

"Not too far from him. About another 70 miles. Lawrence."

Castiel nods. "And what makes you think Dean will be there?"

"It's the only place we haven't looked yet." Sam answers.

"Why didn't we look there first?"

Sam swallows hard, swallowing down every feeling he has. "Cause if he's not there, at least I'll be home."

One month earlier:

"Dean taught you well." Sam moves his cards around in his hand, peering over the top of them to watch Castiel. Castiel's brow is wrinkled in concentration.

"We had lots of time while you were off…" Castiel trails off.

Sam swallows. "I didn't know you two were that close then."

Castiel eyes avert up, burning into Sam's. Blue meets Hazel.

"We were always close."

Sam drops a pizza on the bed and peers at the TV. "VH1 again, Cas?"

"I'm fascinated at these shows." He quickly opens the box and grabs a piece.

"So was Dean." Sam murmurs. Castiel slowly looks up at him, lowering his pizza. "How's the car?"

"Few more days. They need to order some parts."

"Don't let him know you let someone else work on that car." Castiel warns.

It's the first time Castiel has given any hope that they would find Dean.

One month earlier:

"You need to down shift!" Sam yells, hands grabbing for the steering wheel.

"Stop pulling the wheel. I can steer it!" Cas yells back, the car making a horrible grinding noise as he steps on the clutch.

"Oh my god. If you mess up the Impala…"

Castiel groans and tries to shift into third. "I thought cars came automatic now."

"They do. But this was our father's car. It has special importance to us." Sam leans back in the passenger seat and grits his teeth as the Impala continues to make screaming noises.

"Then why let me drive it?"

Sam's eyes linger a little too long on Castiel's jaw line. "Dean won't mind."

The first time Sam kisses a man it's at a dirty garage while he waits to talk to the mechanic about why it's taking so long for the Impala to get fixed. It's the dead of summer, his shirt clinging to his body in sweat and the guy tastes as much like grease as he smells.

When everything is said and done, he feels relieved. He doesn't like men. Whatever it is he's feeling, its just loneliness. Too many weeks on the open road. It had been too long since he had gotten laid. But when he returns to the motel to find Castiel coming out of the shower, the thin white motel towel wrapped around his small waist, he wonders if what he's feeling may not just be any of those things.

One month earlier:

Castiel gets sick his first time as a human somewhere in Texas. He's vomiting, and shivering and sweating and he's must have asked Sam a million times if he thinks he's dying.

Sam answers no every time.

Sam gets him some over the counter cold medicine and fills him full of Gatorade, soup and saltine crackers. Sam halts his search for a few days, staying in the motel with him, watching trashy talk shows and old law and order reruns.

"You weren't…human before, were you?" Sam asks on the third and final day of Castiel's sickness.

"What?" Castiel asks, cocking his head for old time's sake.

"I was told once that humans can't become angels. That angels are a completely different thing that God created."

Castiel frowns, turning back to Jerry Springer. "Angels are only human after they fall. You don't die and become an angel if that's what you're asking."

"Would you again? You know, be an angel?"

Castiel tenses. "Why are you asking me this?"

"I guess I just don't understand why an angel would want to be human so badly. Like Anna. I mean…"

Castiel whips his head toward Sam but instead of angry dark eyes, Sam see's clear and calm crystal ones.

"You, better than anyone, should know about sacrificing for someone you love."

Sam's face flushes. "I guess we both have that in common then. Sacrificing ourselves for Dean."

"Perhaps." Castiel turns back to the TV. "But I believe our love for him differs greatly."

The motel room has been silent for what seems like days. The Impala is still not fixed and Sam is growing antsy in this no name town so close yet so far from where they need to be. Castiel remains quiet due to nervousness and sadness. He knows it is the end of the road pretty much and if this last search turns up no results, they will have to just give up knowing they will never find Dean. He doesn't want to talk about it with Sam, he doesn't want to mention how this could be it. That they may have to let Dean go.

"I don't regret anything." Castiel finally tells Sam almost 36 hours from the last time they spoke. Sam turns his head slowly toward Castiel from across the room.

"What?"

"Even if we don't find him. Even if he's really…gone, I won't regret anything." He swallows. "You know, falling. Giving everything up. It was still worth it to me."

"What will you do?" Sam whispers.

"Not sure. I will probably have to find a job of some sort. A place to live. Perhaps Bobby will let me help him at the yard." Castiel nods at Sam. "You?"

"Stay in Lawrence probably. Do something…normal."

"I have a feeling, Sam, that neither of us could ever be normal." Castiel jokes, rotating the remote control in his hands.

"We could stay together. You know…keep hunting."

Castiel laughs. "Which one of us would be the brawn?"

Sam just smiles. "I have about 10 inches on you. And 70 pounds."

Castiel nods. "This is true. I'm the brain then."

Their eyes catch, their tender smiles slowly fading and turning into half open mouthed looks neither of them could understand. Sam rises up from the chair and takes long strides toward Castiel, holding his breath the entire time. He isn't sure what he is doing. But right now he doesn't care.

Castiel's breathe catches in his lungs as Sam crawls, huge and awkwardly toward him on the bed. Castiel leans back, unsure of what is happening or what is about to happen. He isn't sure what he is feeling, or how to control it either.

Sam's lips are hot and wet and overpowering against his. He whimpers, unsure how to proceed. Sam slides his tongue along Castiel's bottom lip and he knows he is supposed to open his mouth. He has seen humans kiss before, but he always suspected his first kiss to be with Dean. Sam's mouth feels amazing, and if Castiel keeps his eyes closed the entire time he can pretend its Dean. But Sam doesn't smell like Dean. He doesn't feel like Dean. Sam is bigger and more muscular and…tall. Abnormally tall.

But Castiel lets Sam's tongue into his mouth. He keeps his eyes closed and imagines Dean's smile and green eyes and the tiny wrinkles that form in the corner of his eyes when he laughs with his whole body. Castiel thinks of these things as Sam kisses him.

Sam thinks of Dean too. And begs him, wherever he is, to forgive him.

15 days earlier:

Sam returns from his run to find Castiel staring intently at the laptop computer screen. His brow is scrunched, tongue resting on his bottom lip, head cocked in regular Castiel fashion.

"How long have you been on that?"

"Since you left." Castiel responds with a raspy voice.

"Cas…"Sam begins to protest.

"Shhh. I think I've almost found what I am looking for."

Sam maneuvers around the table to look over his shoulder. Sam's eyes widen and slams the laptop shut almost on Castiel's hand.

"What?" Castiel looks up at Sam with annoyed eyes.

"I didn't let Dean look up porn and I won't let you either."

Sam awakens in the night to a cold spot next to him. He reaches his arm over, but no body rests next to his.

He leans up on his elbows and looks around the dark room.

"Cas?"

"Yeah." His voice travels through the air from across the room. Sam adjusts his eyes to the darkness and finds Castiel sitting on the floor against the far wall, knees pulled up to his chin.

Sam rubs his hand over his face hard. "I'm sorry."

"What for?" Castiel whispers.

"You know what for."

"The good thing about being human? I have free will."

Sam sighs. "I know that, but…"

"Dean isn't here. We may never find him. Are we supposed to be miserable for the rest of our lives?"

"No." Sam answers. "But if we do find him…"

"If we do find him we don't even know how he will be. Who he will be. Or if he even feels…" Castiel trails off and buries his face into his knees.

"He does. I know my brother. He's never looked at anyone the way he looked at you."

"He's looked at many a woman like that. Pulling Dean out of hell was not the first time I had ever seen him you know. He was my assignment from the beginning. I had watched him."

"He was with those woman for one purpose only. They were gone before the sun even came up. You're the only one he ever wanted to keep around." Sam reassures him.

"It's wrong, isn't it? Two men together?"

"You tell me. The bible apparently…"

"The bible is story made up by man. A bunch of stories told from men who think they saw and heard things that may or may not be true." Castiel tells Sam.

"Then what is true?" Sam asks.

Castiel shrugs from across the room. "I'm not really sure anymore."

"You love Dean. That's true."

"You love him as well."

Sam becomes fascinated with his own hands, looking them over, studying how long his fingers are on one hand against his other. He cannot look at Castiel any longer.

"I also love you."

Castiel doesn't answer right away. The only sound in the room is the sound of their breathing. When he finally speaks, Sam can tell the silence was him trying to cover up the fact that he was crying.

"You love me because you love him. Because I love him. All this has become is chaos."

Sam cannot disagree with that.

10 days earlier:

Sam can feel the tension. Kansas isn't far now. It has been building for some time. The possibility. The feeling lingering in the air. The hope.

The end.

Sam lets Cas drive for a while, closing his eyes to the feeling of the wind on his face and the smell of the familiar night air. He closes his eyes and pretends its years ago, in the beginning, when it was just him and Dean. Before angels, and the devil, and the end of the world.

He lets the rumble of the Impala will him into sleep, with dreams of Dean by his side.

Castiel closes the Impala door softly, looking intently at the broken down house. Sam stands in the middle of the street, fists at his side, hazel eyes, down cast.

"No one's lived here in quite a while." Castiel informs Sam. Sam turns his head to look at him.

"The last time we were here…" Sam swallows, remembering the image of his mother. "I guess the ghosts never really go away."

"No." Castiel appears next to Sam's side with one swift, silent movement. "They don't."

They don't speak the rest of the night. The TV isn't turned on in the motel room. No one showers. No one eats. They barely breathe.

They know now they have come to the end. No one in town had seen Dean. Bobby's last possible lead had come up empty. Dean was no where. Or he was everywhere, they just couldn't see him.

When the morning came, it awakens Sam and Dean with a light brighter than any sunrise or sunset they had ever seen. Brighter than any fire they had ever witnessed. Brighter than any star or planet Castiel had ever circled as an angel. The light was possibly even brighter than God himself.

The world shakes, and time stops for just a moment. A mere second. Less than a second. But Sam and Castiel feel it. They feel it in their bones, in their skin, that the earth has just shifted. Awoken. Trembled.

They steal a quick glance at each other and they both know. This was the moment they had come so far to get to.

When the moment they lost recycles itself and their skin stops burning from the warp of time they had just endured, they quickly sprint out into the parking lot of the motel. Everything around them is leveled.

Houses, trees, cars. There are no people. No sound. Just a constant buzz in the air. Their skin is still humming. And the only things left standing are the half of the motel they were in, the Impala and one ex blood junkie and a fallen angel.

The Impala does 30 as Sam drives down the deserted and destroyed streets he once called his hometown.

"This isn't destruction. This is almost like…"

"Creation?" Sam finishes.

Castiel nods slightly. "Clean slate. This isn't the work of evil."

"God?"

"I…don't know. It's hard to think now of all times he would help us."

"He's here. I can feel it." Sam whispers.

Castiel closes his eyes, feeling the tingle on his skin he always felt when Dean was near him. "I know."

The Impala sits on the embankment overlooking the cliff Dean once told him that Dad used to take them too. He and Sam used to throw rocks and empty beer bottles over the side, while their father mapped out where they would go next. For the first few years, they always came back to Lawrence to regroup. To reenergize. Dean said for some reason it calmed their father. Maybe that's why Sam believed, more than anything, this is where Dean would return too.

And his instincts were right.

If there is one thing Sam Winchester knows for certain, its Dean Winchester.

As if by a feather in the wind, a soft smell on a breeze you can faintly make out, Dean appears next to the Impala while Sam and Castiel sit on the hood. Its dusk now, no sound in the air but their breathing, and Dean looks almost angelic with the last of the sun of the day hitting his face.

Neither Sam nor Castiel can move, afraid that if they do, Dean might disappear like an apparition.

"Dean?" Sam finally whispers.

Dean's head turns so slowly, it actually makes Sam shudder. This figure looks like Dean, but how does he know it's really him?

He doesn't answer, but stares at the younger Winchester. Castiel slides off the hood, carefully walking to figure he wants to believe so badly is real.

"Dean." He doesn't question it like Sam is. Castiel needs to believe. It's all he has left.

Dean's eyes flicker, a shot of fire engulfing inside his pupils and his knees buckle from underneath him. Castiel catches him, pulling him close to his chest and lowering themselves slowly onto the dirt. Dean grasps his shirt, and buries his face in his neck, trembling. Castiel holds him, his fingers sliding up into the back of Dean's hair. This is the first time he has ever been this close to him, and he's afraid now that he has been, he wont be able not to again.

"Cas…"Dean chokes out and tears form in Castiel's eyes. He looks up at Sam who is just standing beside them, eyes wide, mouth open, unable to do anything but stare. It was Dean. Somehow, someway, this was Dean.

"I got you, Dean." Castiel whispers against Dean's neck. They remain like this for a while, Dean clinging to like a scared child, and Castiel rubbing the back of his neck. He isn't sure how, but he knows Dean likes this.

Dean finally pulls back, eyes tired, and body weak. "Cas…I…"

"No. Don't say anything. It doesn't matter." Castiel assures him.

"How did I…where…?" Dean looks around frantically. Castiel just holds onto him tighter.

"One thing at a time. Let's get you someplace comfortable. You need to lie down." It takes Castiel a few tries but he finally gets Dean to his feet with the help of Sam. When Dean finally stands, he's wobbly but stable. He looks out over the cliff, at the Impala and finally back at Castiel.

"Thank god its you." He whispers.

Castiel smiles and brushes some dirt off Dean's cheek. Dean's eyes wander to his right and fall upon Sam, who is now crying silently. He gives Dean a head nod and reaches out for his brother. Dean gives him a confused look and moves back a step. Sam drops his hand gently.

"Dean?"

Dean blinks; lips in a thin line. "Who are you?"

Dean doesn't remember Sam. Dean knows his name. Dean knows his birthday. Dean knows he was just in hell as an angel condom.

And Dean knows Castiel. He can feel Castiel beneath his skin. Inside his head. In the pit of his stomach. He can feel the wind blow the exact right way against his face as long as Castiel is near him. He doesn't know what it means, he just knows it is.

He knows he's supposed to remember Sam. He knows Sam is his brother. But he feels nothing. He looks at Sam and all there is is blankness.

Dean gets behind the wheel of the Impala and feels…a hint of something. A tingle on his spine. A wrinkle in a second. A tickle that could be construed as a memory.

Castiel takes the back seat, because he knows, that's just the way it's supposed to be. Sam gets the front. Dean gives him a questioning look but Cas just nods, reassuring Dean that this is the way it needs to be. For now.

Dean doesn't know where he is driving to, or how he even knows where to go. There are some things that are just coming back to him naturally. But he cannot for the life of him remember the abnormally grown man in the passenger seat next to him.

They hit a motel about 150 miles outside of Lawrence, or at least what was Lawrence. Dean doesn't listen when Sam tells him about 5 times how he needs to rest; he's had a rough day. Dean just keeps driving.

But when Castiel tells Dean to pull into the next motel he sees, he listens. Sam just looks down at his lap, and pretends that he's not slowly dying inside.

They get a room with two beds. Sam sleeps alone.

3 months earlier:

"Okay try this one." Dean slides another shot across the table at Castiel.

"I find your new found interest in my tolerance for alcohol, rather humorous." Castiel tells him as he downs whatever drink Dean just gave him.

"I just want to see how much it takes to get you drunk now that you're…"

"Human?" Castiel huffs. "Fine. Keep them coming."

Dean smirks and pours some Ever clear into the shot glass.

While Castiel showers, Dean and Sam are left alone. Dean stares at the TV with the sound off and Sam watches him carefully.

Dean eyes the piece of apple pie in front of him, the growling in his stomach growing louder. He dips his fork into the soft crust and moist fruit filling and brings the bite up to his mouth. He chews slowly, the taste overwhelming him. He closes his eyes, the taste buds in his mouth on overdrive. His mouth begins to water, his tongue begging for another bite. He answers his mouths call, shoveling another huge forkful into his mouth. He lets out a loud, low groan.

He fucking loves pie. This feeling, this memory, washes over him like a tidal wave. Its stronger than anything he has felt all day. Well except the feeling of Castiel.

He continues to eat, savoring each bite, moaning and licking each prong of the fork clean before diving back into the pie. He keeps his eyes closed the whole time, somehow thinking that doing this will make the taste last longer. When he finally reopens his eyes, Sam is staring at him, one eye brow arched.

"What?" Dean asks, mouth full.

"It's like you've never had pie before." Sam answers.

Dean looks down at the now empty plastic container and drops the plastic fork into it, making an unnerving sound.

"In a way I haven't."

They sit in silence, Dean taking in the sound of the shower which he knows the man he feels the most connected so is standing in, naked…wet…

"Is it some sort of amnesia?" Sam finally blurts out.

Dean turns the TV off with the remote and rubs his hands over his face roughly. "I don't know."

"Like…seriously? You…feel nothing?"

Dean looks at his brother, with no feeling in his eyes. "I feel lots of things. I feel the jolt when I hear Led Zeppelin. I get a hard on when I get into the Impala. I crave pie like there's no tomorrow. And I…"Dean trails off, a slight flush falling over his cheeks.

"And you feel Cas." Sam finishes.

"I don't know how. Or why." Dean rubs his hands together. "I want to remember. I should remember. But why I don't…"

"Do you remember Dad? Or Mom?"

Dean looks up from his hands and squints his eyes at his brother. "Who?"

Castiel waits until Sam is asleep before he ventures out to find Dean sitting on the Impala in the motel's parking lot. He hands Dean a warm beer and leans against the side of the car.

"He's asleep."

Dean nods and takes a long sip.

"What do you remember?" Castiel asks softly.

"Of what? Hell? Or earth?"

"Anything."

Dean slides off the hood and leans next to Cas on the car. "I had to watch Adam get locked inside a fiery cage of death. I was Michael's condom as he set hell more on fire than it was before."

It's Castiel's turn to nod. "It doesn't make any sense. Why you don't remember Sam, I mean."

"Maybe Michael made scrambled eggs out of my brain when he was worming his way out of me." Dean shrugs. "Who knows."

"Then why do you remember me?" Castiel asks softly.

Dean turns and looks at Cas, a look in his eyes Castiel has never seen before. It was a mixture of reassurance, playfulness, and confusion.

"I have no idea. But it's the most vivid thing in my head."

"What do you remember?"

3 months earlier:

"You're holding it wrong." Dean grabs the handgun from Castiel's hands and then shoves it back the right way. "There. Like that."

Castiel just sighs heavily and turns the gun over in his hand. "I cannot believe my life has come to this."

"I'm so sorry us mortals have such mundane ways of defending ourselves. Hopefully when the mother ship comes we'll all get those lasers in our fingers we've been hoping for."

Castiel cocks his head and wrinkles his brow. "I don't…"

"Understand that reference. Yeah. I know." Dean smirks and rotates the gun in Cas's hand the right way again.

"I see the way he looks at you, you know." Dean says into the night air. Castiel tenses visibly next to him.

Dean laughs. "You stud you. I'm more surprised at Sam though. Never took him for the man loving type. He always got hotter chicks than I did."

"What about you?" Castiel asks.

"What about me?" Dean takes another swig off his beer.

"Are you the man loving type?"

3 months earlier:

Dean lifts the blanket up higher on Castiel's chest. His fingers reach out to brush his growing hair off his forehead, but Dean quickly draws his hand back. Castiel stirs and Dean pulls up a chair.

"I'm not really sure what I am." Dean answers honestly. "Some things I know about myself. I know I love beer." He raises his bottle to Cas. "I know I like pie. And I love this car."

"And you love Sam."

Dean winces up at the star filled sky. "I know I'm supposed to."

"You do. If there is one thing I know for certain, it's the love of the Winchester Brothers. It's what kept this world alive. What's kept it spinning since the beginning."

Dean looks down at the ground and kicks a rock at his feet. "Then how come all that's keeping me alive now, is you?"

2 and a half months earlier:

"I'm still pissed at you, you know."

Castiel looks up from inside the trunk of the Impala at Dean who is unloading his shotgun. "I know."

"If anything had happened…"Dean trails off and throws the gun into the trunk with a thud.

"Wouldn't have mattered." Castiel answers. "You know how I feel."

Dean looks up into his eyes. "Feel?"

"Yeah." Castiel closes the trunk gently. "All of this has been for you."

"Did he fuck you?"

Castiel pushes himself off the Impala with the palms of his hands and stands in the middle of the parking lot. "We thought you were gone."

"I was."

Castiel turns, a pained expression on his face.

"It's cool, you know. I mean…"Dean clears his throat and does the same motion Castiel did, hurling himself away from the Impala. "I don't really know you. Or him." He shrugs. "Doesn't matter."

Castiel grabs Dean's arm as he brushes past him toward the motel. "Dean."

Dean looks down at where Castiel's fingers are gripping his skin. "Don't make this harder on me than it has to be."

"I meant what I said." Castiel reminds him.

"What's that?"

"Everything I did was for you."

Dean laughs and pulls his arm away from Castiel's grip. "Yeah. Fucking my brother helped me so much."

3 days before Dean's swan song:

Castiel stumbles out the back door of Bobby's house but Dean catches him by the scruff of his trench coat just before he hits the ground. "Whoa buddy. Take it easy there."

"I'm starting to feel something."

Dean laughs, pulling the new human flush against him. "Yeah. I can see that."

They stand there, in the warm night air, the stars brighter than any night they had ever witnessed together shining down over them. Dean can feel Castiel's alcohol drenched breath against his neck and Castiel is feeling things he isn't sure are normal or even right. Dean licks his lips once, half closing his eyes knowing this could be the last time he is ever this close to another human being. Woman or not, Castiel makes him feel…

"Hey, guys. Bobby thinks he may have found something."

Dean and Castiel shove each other away so fast, Castiel stumbles over a near by garbage can and falls ass first onto the ground. Dean clears his throat, adjusts his jacket and gives Sam a confused and panicked look. "Huh? What?"

Sam eyes them both before reaching his hand out to help Castiel up. "Bobby's got some info. You two sober enough to comprehend anything right now?"

"I'm fine." Castiel mutters, accepting Sam's help and brushing the back of his coat off.

Dean shoves his way into the house without another word.

Sam watches as Castiel moves slowly past him, drunk and defeated.

Dean lies awake all night. He can hear the faint sound of Sam's snoring from the next bed over. Castiel never returns from outside. Dean's fingers grips the sheets as pains shoot through his head. He groans, the heels of his feet digging into the mattress. Visions, short flashes of faces and events make a home in a brain he isn't sure is even his anymore. One memory, if that is even what it is, stands so clear inside him that it's causing himself to shake.

Castiel's breathe on his neck. He can feel it.

Another sharp shooting pain and a flash of Castiel fighting, bloody and broken, protecting…him.

Dean sits up in his bed violently, breathing hard and sweating. He flicks on the light and looks over at his sleeping brother. Brother. He knows he is. Sam and Cas both tell him so. But he doesn't feel it.

And now he knows that his brother, and the only person who makes Dean feel like he belongs on this earth anymore, have shared something…something he isn't sure he himself wanted to share with Cas. But the feeling inside him, of regret and confusion and jealousy is enough to keep him up for the rest of his life.

Dean swings his legs over the side of the bed and walks over to where Sam lies. He stands there, looking down at him, studying his face, the curve of his spine, his long legs; trying to remember. Trying so hard to have some type of feeling. Any feeling.

But nothing comes.

Sam stirs, eyes fluttering open and he squints at first of the light shining into the room from the tiny desk lamp then up at Dean.

"Dude…what's the matter? You okay? What happened?"

Dean's fingers ball into fists. His chest rises and falls steadily, breathing hard. Sam's eyes widen in fear.

"Dean. Just…stay calm okay? Tell me what happened." Sam carefully sits up, holding his hand out, his defense in case Dean blows.

Dean takes a small step back to let Sam stand up. He does and Dean realizes just how much bigger Sam is in that moment compared to him. But he doesn't care.

"Don't…"Dean begins; his voice cracking and rough. Sam cranes his neck, nodding, wanting to Dean to continue. Dean can feel himself getting too emotional, something he knows, somehow, isn't normally like him. But again, for some reason he doesn't care.

"Dean, just tell me." Sam pleads.

Dean swallows, and clears his throat one more time.

"Don't take him away from me."

2 days before Dean's Swan Song:

The house is quiet, so quiet it makes Dean's skin crawl. But this is the time of night he likes best. When there is nothing but silence. He has time alone inside his own head. Time to make decisions. Time to rethink things he has done but cannot do anything about. And time to realize things he may have not before.

Castiel appears in the doorway to the kitchen, just like he used to when he was a higher being. Even as a human, he's still has a softness to him. Dean likes that and he isn't sure why.

"Why aren't you sleeping?" Castiel whispers.

"I will. Eventually." Dean answers.

"When you are dead?"

Dean laughs gently. "Cas, I think you just made a joke."

Castiel takes a few steps into the kitchen. "I have been trying."

They stand on either end of the kitchen from one another. Both leaning against the counter. Both unable to look at each other.

"Should we be speaking about what took place last night?"

"Normally. No. Guys don't…talk. They suffer in silence."

"Perhaps under normal circumstances, that would be alright. But considering what is coming, what could happen, maybe it is better to; clear the air, as you say." Castiel offers.

"For the record, I never want to clear the air. You've been hanging around too much with Sammy." Dean tries to joke.

"Either way, I think it should be discussed. Before it's too late."

"We were drunk." Dean says quickly.

Castiel's face falls, his mouth forming a straight thin line. "So that's it?"

Dean winces, realizing this is exactly how all those trunk stop waitresses and one week girlfriends he had in high school when he, Sam and their father moved around so much.

But he feels worse about this. This is actually making his own heart break.

"I'll tell you what." Dean walks slowly to where Castiel stands on the other side of the kitchen. He leans in, close to him, too close, just like Castiel had done to him since the first night they met. "We make it through this, and we'll talk about it."

Castiel keeps his eyes down. "And if we don't?"

"Then there's no pain of what could have been."

Castiel watches as Dean leaves the kitchen and throws himself down onto the couch in the living room.

Castiel knows what could have been already.

Castiel returns in the morning to find Sam and Dean both sitting on their beds, looking like they hadn't slept all night. The room is abnormally quiet, even due to the circumstances, and Cas can feel something went down last night that he isn't sure he wants to know about.

He sets the brown bag down from the store and unloads a protein shake for Sam, a cup of coffee for himself, and a piece of apple pie in a plastic container for Dean. He leaves their breakfast on the tiny round table near the window and takes his coffee into the bathroom. Castiel turns the shower on, strips down and drinks his coffee as the stream fills the tiny room, covering for just a moment, the intensity of the moment.

Dean eats his pie, remembering how much he loves it but Sam does not touch his protein shake.

"It's not like you're fucking him in front of me. Drink the goddamn shake." Dean says sternly.

Sam slams the door, making the entire room shake as he leaves.

6 hours earlier:

"I'm cut off, Cas. I haven't had any visions in…months."

Castiel sighs heavily and sits on the curb outside the all night convenience store, his cell phone pressed against his ear. "And you have heard nothing, Chuck?"

Chuck downs his tumbler of Whiskey. "Cas, you don't sound so good."

"I'm not. Dean is…not the same. He does not remember Sam, at all."

"Wow." Chuck pours himself another drink. "And you're not getting any…mojo or visions from your old bosses either?"

"No. I'm entirely human now."

"Well, isn't that what you wanted though?" Chuck asks gently.

Castiel buries his face in his knees and shuts his cell phone.

Castiel emerges from the bathroom to find Jerry Springer on the small TV and Dean propped up against pillows on the bed. Dean doesn't even flinch as Castiel walks past him in a towel.

Castiel rummages through his duffle bag, pulling out some clean clothes. "We're gonna have to do laundry soon."

"Go with Sam."

Castiel slams his hand down on the dresser. "Stop it."

Dean says nothing.

Castiel turns around, eyes blazing with anger. "Stop it."

"I heard you the first time." Dean says with distain in his voice.

Castiel thinks it's good to see Dean back to his old self.

"If it's bothering you…"

"It's NOT bothering me. I'm fine." Dean jumps up from the bed and pretends to fidget with something in his own duffle bag.

Castiel drops his towel.

Dean tenses.

Castiel takes one step forward and Dean closes his eyes.

Castiel gets closer but Dean puts his hand out, his fingers fanning across the soft skin on Castiel's chest. "Don't."

"Why?"Castiel asks, pressing himself harder against Dean's hand, trying to get closer to him.

"Just…don't." Dean pleads.

Castiel feels a pain in his chest and his stomach churn with anger. He doesn't even pick his towel up before he heads back into the bathroom.

Dean is getting tired of hearing doors slam.

10 minutes earlier:

"Nothing?"

Chuck pops 4 Aspirin into his mouth and plops down onto his couch. "No. Nothing. I told Castiel the same thing."

"Cas? He called you? Why?" Sam asks, balancing his cell phone on his shoulder.

"Yeah. Last night. He sounds like shit. So do you."

"It's been a rough couple of months. What have you been doing?"

"Well since the visions have stopped, I obviously can't write. So I'm pretty much living off chips and flavored water."

"Well if we make it your way any time soon we'll be sure to stop by."

Chuck smiles gently. "Sure thing, Sam."

"So what's the plan?"

Sam looks up at his brother from across the room. "Plan?"

"Yeah. Plan. We aren't just gonna live here are we?"

"What is it you want to do, Dean?" Castiel's voice travels through the room and for a moment Dean almost forgot he was there.

His body didn't though.

"Well I'm not gonna be cooped up in this motel room with the two of you for the rest of my life. In fact, if I have to be here a second longer I'm going to rip my face off." Dean pushes his chair back, it falling with a clatter onto the floor.

"Do you want to work?" Sam picks up Dean's chair as Dean begins to pace on the carpet.

"Work?"

"Yeah. Hunt. Kill some things that go bump in the night." Sam blinks. "The family business."

Dean stops pacing, looking at Sam for the first time in days with some form of…something. Something flickers in Dean's eyes and Sam holds his breath, waiting. For what he isn't sure.

"Sounds awesome. Let's go."

Sam finds some information out about a nest of vampires outside Denver. It takes almost a day to drive there with nothing but shallow breathing and ACDC in the Impala the whole way there. When they stop to eat at a roadside diner, they play musical chairs because no one knows who to sit next to. Dean doesn't want to sit next to Sam or Cas. Sam doesn't want to sit next to Cas because he knows it will upset Dean and Cas doesn't care who he sits next to as long as he doesn't have to stand in the middle of the aisle anymore.

Finally they end up with Dean sitting alone across from the two of them, and Sam can feel Cas's knee bumping against his and he hopes the flush on his cheeks isn't too noticeable.

"You two gonna get your own room when we get to Denver?" Dean asks mouth full of French fries.

The table immediately shakes, their cups clattering together; silverware dropping off the edge of the table and clanking down onto the floor.

Castiel's fist stays firm where he pounded it, eyes blaring with anger. Anger so intense it makes his skin catch on fire and heart race.

"That is ENOUGH." He demands.

Sam's eyes widen, unable to move, almost afraid at how unstable Castiel has become.

"Cas, I get all tingly when you take control like that." Dean smirks, popping another French fry into his mouth.

"You, Dean Winchester, are the dumbest man I have ever had the pleasure of knowing." Castiel with one brisk movement removes himself from the table and the bell on the door jingles, echoing through the all night diner at 3am. Sam and Dean are left alone; alone to say nothing yet again.

But Sam knows something needs to be said.

"He loves you. Not me."

Dean stops chewing, stops moving. "And you?"

"It doesn't matter. What happened…was a mistake. It doesn't make him love you any less. He feels horrible. I feel horrible."

Dean drops his half eaten burger on the plate and shoves it away from him. "Why do I feel like my life has turned into a bad rerun of Dawson's Creek? I honestly DO NOT care Sammy, if you fucked the ex angel or not, okay? Seriously. Do whatever makes you happy." Dean throws some cash down on the table as he stands, before leaving.

The bell on the door jingles faintly in Sam's ears.

Dean just called him Sammy.

"Since when do you smoke?" Dean says with distain as he opens the door to the Impala. Castiel is standing a few feet from it, looking up into the starry night sky, no sounds at all coming from the interstate. Castiel sometimes wonders if he listens hard enough, he could hear heaven.

He doesn't answer Dean, just inhales deeply again and watches the sky.

Just before the filter burns on his cigarette, Castiel feels Dean's soft fingers on his elbow. Castiel's heart races, but his eyes slide shut slowly at the sensation. It feels exactly how he believed it would. Hot but soft. Intense but pure and simple.

If he could remember exactly what heaven felt like he is sure this was it.

"He says it meant nothing."

Dean's voice is shaky, and he is close to Castiel's ear. Castiel nods.

"It's true? It meant nothing?" Dean asks.

"Nothing." Castiel whispers.

Dean's lips brush Castiel's neck and he begins to shake under Dean's touch.

"I don't believe you."

The nest of Vampires outside Denver turns out to be more like a colony. With the scarce amounts of evil activity on earth now, they are scrambling to even survive. Dean thinks this hunt will be simple. Easy.

But he should know nothing is ever simple and easy.

The vampires he can handle. That's the easy part. But watching Sam hand Castiel a huge knife from the trunk. The way Castiel looks at Sam, and then at Dean to make to see if he saw or not, that's the hard part.

The love he is supposed to be feeling for his brother is null and void. He feels nothing but hatred.

And envy.

Sam goes in first, full force, so pent up with anger and frustration.

The first few vamps go down with no struggle. A few beheadings, some stabbing through the heart with the sword. Castiel stands back, studying Sam, and eyeing Dean from time to time.

One of the vamps surprises Cas from behind, grabbing him around his neck, and bringing him to his knees quickly.

Both Sam and Dean run for him. But Sam stops when he sees the look in Dean's eyes. Fear. Adrenaline. The look that nothing else matters but saving Castiel.

The same kind of look Dean used to have for him.

It isn't the kind of jealousy that Freud would have a field day with. It was incestuous. Just…sadness. Dean has no idea what they used to mean to each other. How close…how they used to be brothers.

Dean snaps the vamps neck within seconds as Sam wraps a chain around a second vampire who is gearing toward Castiel.

Castiel coughs, rubbing his neck and looks at Dean who's eyes are still on fire. He looks down at the now dead, again, vamp and takes the gun out of his holster, unloading his entire barrel into its head. Sam and Castiel both wince at the sound of the bullets making holes in the vamps skull.

Castiel touches Dean's elbow, trying to bring him back to reality. Dean pulls away from his touch angrily, teeth showing, practically snarling.

"Dean…"Cas says softly.

Dean's eyes dart back and forth between his almost lover and his almost brother.

The sound of the warehouse door being opened but not closing echoes through Sam and Castiel's ears.

The ride back to the motel is so quiet, its makes them all deaf. Sam drives, Dean's hands shake the entire way and Castiel never takes his eyes off him. When the car pulls to a halt in the parking space, Dean's door is open and he is gone before the engine even seizes.

"You should go after him." Sam tells Castiel.

Cas watches as Dean's presence grows smaller and smaller down the road.

"I feel as if that is all I have been doing."

Sam is long asleep by the time Dean comes back to the motel at quarter past 2 in the morning. Castiel turns the TV to mute when the door opens and Dean stands with the door open, their eyes burning into each other. Castiel often wonders how Dean's eyes can be so green. Not as green as the grass he has seen in Switzerland on the side of snow capped mountains, but brighter than the green of the ocean tide against the beaches of Greece.

Castiel is off the bed and in front of Dean faster than he believed he could be. He may not be an angel anymore, but he still moves fast when it is needed.

Or wanted.

Castiel gently pushes the motel door closed, his breath against Dean's face. Dean's heart begins to hammer away in his chest, his breathing grower heavier and heavier with each passing second. He tries to move past Castiel, but he pushes his palm against Dean's chest and he falls against the closed door.

"Do you know what it was like being with Sam?" Castiel asks softly.

Dean's eyes close. "Don't."

"You need to hear this."

Dean shakes his head in protest.

Castiel presses his lips to Dean's perfectly shaped ear. "The only reason was because of you. I couldn't have you…you were…gone. We tried. For months to find you. Highway after Highway, motel after motel. Diner after Diner. You weren't anywhere. Being with him…was the closest thing I had to you."

Dean places both hands on Castiel's shoulders, pushing him backward with no prevail.

"Do you know when you laugh, there are these tiny wrinkles that form at the edges of your eyes?" Castiel whispers.

Dean gently touches the side of his own face.

"Its what I thought of. It's…what got me through those nights…all those months without you. It's the only thing that kept me from giving up. The possibility of seeing you laugh again."

Dean swallows hard, his forehead slowly pressing against Castiel's.

"I've been waiting for you for what seems like a millennia."

Dean begins to shake against his own will. He wants to run. He wants to punch Cas right in the face and scream and run as far from here as he possibly can. But he knows he won't. He knows he can't.

He knows this is home.

"This wont work." Dean tells him.

Castiel just smiles. "Always such a pessimist."

"Since when did you become such an optimist?" Dean smiles for the first time in weeks.

"When I realized what could be."

Dean is surprised at how rough Castiel's lips are. His hand squeezes Castiel's shoulder, bringing him closer to his body. Images flash before his eyes. Smiles and laughter. Arguments and betrayal. Sacrifice…and love. He hears faintly in the back of his head the words he said to Castiel just hours before he went to hell. Again.

A promise of what could be.

And this was it.

"He loves you." Dean reminds Castiel.

Castiel shakes his head, his lips still pressed to Dean's. "He loves you. And because of that, he loves me."

"Still."

Castiel runs his tongue along Dean's bottom lip. "I think for once you should try doing something for yourself. Be a little selfish."

Dean huffs, blowing air against Castiel's tongue. "Selfish, huh? How human of you."

"Are you going to stop talking now?" Castiel whispers, nipping at Dean's bottom lip.

"This is a side of you I haven't seen." Dean kisses Castiel quickly.

"Like I said. I've been waiting a millennia."

Castiel had dreamed of this since the first time he laid eyes on Dean Winchester. Even as an angel he had…feelings. Images. Fantasies of what it would be like to touch Dean in ways only humans did. Or could. Castiel always knew he was meant to be human. He had to be. He was meant to be on earth. He was meant to be with Dean.

They both pace for a few minutes, circling each other like lions on African land. Castiel isn't sure what to do next. Neither does Dean.

Dean's a pro. He's been with many woman. Woman who were short. Woman who were tall. Blondes, brunettes, red heads. All different kinds of women.

But never a man.

And never someone he loved this much.

They both know Sam is sleeping just a few feet from them. But they both know this needs to happen now, no matter what. They have come this far, there is no turning back now.

Dean figures since he's the pro, he should make the first move. He removes his t-shirt over his head and drops it to the floor. Castiel's breathing grows heavy and he reaches his hand out slowly. His fingertips brush Dean's chest, and Dean's eyes fall shut. He licks his lips, his pants growing tighter just with these soft touches from callused hands.

Castiel lowers his head, pressing his chapped lips to Dean's skin. Goosebumps rise on his skin and Castiel's tongue traces a long line from Dean's nipple down to his navel. Castiel bends on one knee, worshipping Dean. He thinks it's always been this way. Dean being the one he answered to. The one he believed in.

Dean has always been his God.

Dean's fingers caress Castiel's head as he nips and sucks as Dean's taught stomach. Dean is more vocal than he normally is with woman, but he thinks that's due to the fact that Castiel is much better with his mouth than any woman he's been with. How that is possible, he doesn't know.

"Stand up." Dean tells Castiel softly. Cas shakes his head, gently biting Dean's stomach. Dean moans, pulls Castiel up to his feet and smashes his lips roughly to his. Castiel whimpers and wraps his arms around Dean's naked shoulders. They scramble, kissing, gripping each others bodies; practically climbing each other. They cannot get close enough. Castiel isn't sure he can ever be close enough to Dean. He wants to crawl inside him. He wants Dean to wrap himself around him and take him in completely.

He wants Dean to be the one to save him now.

Dean pushes Castiel backwards toward the empty bed and pushes him down until Cas falls back, bouncing a little. Dean yanks Cas's shirt up over his head, throwing it somewhere into the motel. He lies down on top of him, pulling himself up the bed more. Dean manhandles him, one arm underneath Cas, dragging him up the bed and taking him wherever he damn well pleases.

Skin on skin, sweat mixing with sweat; Dean can barely contain himself. He licks Castiel's neck, taking in his taste and smell. It's salty like the ocean but he smells like earth and creation. Like freshly cut grass and lavender. Dean smiles to himself at how…gay he's being.

"What?" Castiel whispers, pulling his head back to look at him.

"Nothing." Dean kisses his lips. "Just thinking about how we got here."

Castiel nuzzles his nose against Dean's. "Destiny."

Dean used to pride himself on how smooth he was with woman. How he could get their clothes off in record time just like in the movies. They fell to the bed in passion, entangled in each other.

When it's real, he realizes, when it means something, nerves kick in. Castiel's leg gets caught in his jeans and Dean has to stand up to yank his pant leg off. But they both laugh, almost waking Sam. Castiel's heart beats faster when he hears and sees the laugh he had missed so much from Dean.

Castiel suddenly becomes nervous and timid when Dean finally sheds the rest of his clothes. His cock, hard and leaking juts out in front of Castiel, and even though he has seen his own and some in porno's, Dean's is much larger, wider mostly, than he imagined. Dean runs his hand down Castiel's side and around to his front, touching the soft curls of dark hair that surrounds his own dick. Castiel gasps, throwing his head back against the mattress. Dean has barely touched him, but he is afraid that thing is going to happen before he wants it to. That thing where time stands still for a moment and the most amazing feeling washes over him as he lets go of himself and everything inside him.

But he already feels that way and he hasn't even done that yet. Dean just being this close to him, gently touching him, beats anytime he has touched himself to the point of orgasm.

"I thought this would be weirder." Dean confesses. His pointer finger runs up the length of Castiel's shaft. All Cas can do is tremble.

"Touch me." Dean pleads. Castiel swallows, pushing his hand down to Dean's cock. He wraps his hand around it, jerking it twice like he does his own when he thinks of Dean. Dean moans, burying his head against Castiel's shoulder.

"Christ." Dean growls.

"Not quite. But thank you."

Neither Dean nor Castiel know how this is supposed to work. Dean just knows he wants Castiel so badly it's making his entire body shake with anticipation. He isn't sure just what wanting him entails. Castiel makes tiny noises underneath him, exploring Dean's naked body with his callused hands. Dean's been touched, by many of women, but has never felt anything like this. He's never known such pleasure in the touch of anyone. He never thought anything could feel this good. Especially not by a man.

Castiel nudges his nose against Dean's cheek. "What's the matter?"

Dean shakes his head out of his thoughts. "Nothing. I'm here."

Dean feels his dick lying hard and aching against the inside of Castiel's thigh. Castiel's own manhood mirrors his, jutting out against Dean's body. Dean can barely keep enough air in his lungs and Castiel's heart is beating so fast and loud he's surprised it hasn't come out of his chest by now.

"I've never…"Dean whispers.

"Cause I have?" Castiel jokes. He kisses Dean's lips gently. "I trust you."

With that, Dean looses all control. He presses his body harder against Castiel's, pressing him hard deeper into the small and uncomfortable motel bed. Castiel struggles but Dean pins him down firmly.

"I'm not sure you realize how this works." Dean growls against Castiel's lips.

"You're in control." Castiel whispers.

"You got that right." Dean devours Castiel's mouth, swallowing any words Castiel may have tried to protest with. Castiel whimpers and spreads his knees wider, giving himself over to Dean in every way possible. Not that he had to. He was already Dean's.

Dean knows what he has to do now. How the rest of this night will go. And he's ready. Castiel looks so wanton, so needy underneath him and he has never wanted something so much in his life.

Dean lifts up and spits onto his hand. Castiel's eyes widen slightly as Dean generously coats his cock with his saliva. Castiel lifts his hips off the bed, pushing his ass down toward Dean's now wet dick. He gives Dean a quick nod, signaling to him that he's ready. He's okay. He wants this.

Dean stares deep in Castiel's blue eyes, making their own shade of turquoise. He holds his breath and pushes deep inside his lover.

Castiel tries to contain his vocals but he fails. His mouth immediately goes into an O shape and he groans in passion, throwing his head back against the sheets. Dean makes his own sounds of ecstasy, burying his face against the crook of Castiel's neck and bites down. Hard.

Castiel's body stiffens and he tightens around Dean. Dean cries out and pulls Cas's hair, growling.

"Fuck." He moans. Dean picks up a rhythm, sliding in and out of Cas's body with ease. This may be both of their first times, but it's almost a work of art how perfectly their bodies fit together. Dean feels nothing but warmth and pressure. He feels complete for the first time…probably ever. He can't explain the way Castiel feels underneath him, surrounding him…allowing him to be inside, makes him feel.

Castiel clings to Dean. His fingertips digging into Dean's back, white knuckles kneading and begging for more. He just keeps kissing Dean's neck, shoulder, any patch of skin he can get to. Their heavy breathing makes the air hot and thick in the room. Dean's jerking of his hips is making the bed spew out tiny noises but it's drowned out by the sounds of their own moans and whimpers of what could only be construed now as love.

Dean feels it. He feels it on every inch of his skin, and it invades his mind and body like an alien in search of distant life. He welcomes the new feelings, breaking free of the chains he has had shackled to him for his entire life and lets go, allowing himself to feel happy for once.

Castiel has no regrets in these moments. Feeling Dean inside him, consuming all he is, all he has become, all he became for him. He doesn't regret his rebellion. He doesn't regret the choices he has made to get him to this place. He welcomes his new found humanness; more than he ever believed he would. Love really is the ultimate sacrifice. Love is the greatest gift and often the greatest weakness in a man's life. He wants it all. And he wants it all with Dean.

He's dreamed of this. Perhaps not this exact act, but Castiel has dreamed of Dean even before he raised him from hell. Castiel always knew he was meant for something greater. And from the moment he laid eyes on Dean; tangled in hells web, he knew, this would be the man to save him. Not the other way around.

Dean pushes in and out of Castiel's body for what seems like hours. They rise and fall together, each bringing the other close to the edge just to pull each other back before the climax. Before the jump. Tonight they really would be Thelma and Louise; holding hands and jumping off this cliff together. Dean bites down on Castiel's shoulder, signaling to him that he is close to making the jump. Castiel sucks on a small patch of skin behind Dean's ear and whispers, ever so softly, something that will make Dean a new person. Something that causes heaven and hell as they both know it, to seize and earth to rotate faster on its axis.

It isn't destiny or fate. None of those things seem to matter anymore. It's…something more. Something cosmic.

"I…love you, Dean."

White light and heat flash behind Dean's eyes and they both fill the tiny hotel room and Sam's ears with ragged sounds of pleasure as they both tumble over the cliff together, their fingers intertwined.

Chuck shuts his laptop and sits back gently in his chair. He removes his glasses off his head and places them softly on top of the table. He wipes his brow of sweat and clears his throat and head of visions he just wrote for the new book.

And then he smiles.

Dean awakens in warmth and comfort. He moves his arm a little to find it is trapped and tingly. He wiggles his fingers and groans a little. The body lying practically on top of him stirs and yawns. Blue eyes gently flutter open and Dean feels himself begin to smile. He can't stop it. He just has to.

"Hey." Dean says; his voice hoarse.

"Hello." Dean smiles more at how polite and perfect Castiel always seems to be. Dean lifts his head and looks over at the other bed in the room to find it made perfectly. It's empty. The motel is empty.

"I suppose him waking to find us like this may have been a shock. I suppose he went to clear his head." Castiel groans as he sits up, rubbing his eyes. "My body hurts."

"Well I kinda threw you around a bit last night."

Castiel smiles. "I remember."

"Are you…okay?" Dean asks.

Castiel looks over his shoulder at his lover. "Do you mean are we okay?"

Dean shrugs.

"Everything is fine." Castiel pushes the blanket off him and stands, his new human knees cracking. His eyes drift over to the tiny table that sits against the window of the motel room. He limps toward it, Dean's eyes watching his tight ass the entire way.

"Stop teasing me or we won't get anything done today." Dean sits up, running his fingers through his grown out hair. He needs a hair cut and soon.

"Dean."

Castiel's voice travels through the room, full of intensity and urgency. Dean stands, walking over to where Castiel is. He looks down where he is staring to find a note written in Sam's perfect handwriting. Resting next to the note is a necklace. Dean picks up the note, reading it out loud.

Dean,

You have everything you need now. I knew one day it would come to this. That my presence would only be in the way. I wish you nothing but happiness from now on. I need to move on now and embrace who I really am and what I need to do. I know now where you are, with Cas, is what you need and deserve.

I'll be seeing you,

Sam

Dean's chest tightens and he lets the note flutter back onto the table. He stares at the necklace.

"What is that?" He asks.

Castiel swallows, reaching out to pick it up. "You're amulet. From what I know, Sam gave this to you when you were younger. For a long time I believed it was a way to find God. It did not succeed."

Dean eyes it in Castiel's fingers. "Sam gave it to me?"

Castiel nods.

Dean slowly retrieves it from Castiel's fingers. The second his skin hits the amulet, his head begins to pound and his eyes sting. He grabs at his head, the necklace still intertwined in his fingers. Flashes surface behind his eyes. His knees buckle and he kneels onto the shag carpet of the motel room. Blinding images rush through his brain.

The Impala rumbling down the highway at 70 miles an hour as Sam sleeps next to him. Sam's smile as Dean yells at him about something. Running down a dark alley after some supernatural being. Singing away in the Impala as the sun shines through the windows. Staring up at star kissed night skies in silence. Empty all night diners. Bad TV in run down motel rooms at 3am drinking beers.

And the most vivid, the flash of image that makes him cry out in pain; pain in his mind and heart; is the hug. A hug that devastates yet makes Dean feel alive and powerful. It makes him feel like he belongs. That he is a part of something greater. That he was meant for more on this earth.

A hug filled with happiness. Desperation. Fear yet ultimate trust. A hug filled with tears and laughter all in one.

Dean gasps for air, his eyes flying open. He hunches over onto the carpet and he feels Castiel's hands on his bare back.

"Dean. DEAN! What? What do you see?" Castiel screams.

"Sam…"Dean chokes out. Tears stream down his face as he clutched the amulet and the carpeting between his fingers. "Sammy…"

"What about him? What?" Castiel rubs his back, pressing his face into the side of Dean's shoulder.

"We need to find him." Dean breathes out.

"What did you see?" Castiel asks with concern, wrapping his arms around him.

Dean presses himself against Castiel, welcoming the security he feels.

"My brother. I saw my brother."

The first person Dean and Castiel go to for help is Bobby. Bobby hugs Dean for a long time, gripping his jacket and closing his eyes so the tears don't stream down his cheeks. He is grateful, so thankful for him to be alive. He smiles at Castiel over Dean's shoulder and Castiel nods knowing what the smile is for.

Dean's alive. And he's safe. And Castiel has him.

"Any word on Sam?" Dean asks pulling away from Bobby.

"Not a word. No demon activity. No nothing." Bobby pauses. "Until this morning." He leads Dean and Castiel into the living room where he has piles and piles of open books on the table.

"You think its Sam?" Castiel asks, sitting on the edge of the couch. Dean puts his hand on his shoulder, making tiny circles with his finger. Castiel leans into his touch and Bobby's eye brow shoots up.

"You boys wanna spill about what's going on?" Bobby asks.

Castiel feels his cheeks heat up. "I…um…"

"Bobby, you know I never kiss and tell." Dean's words cause Bobby's mouth to fall open. "First things first. The most important thing is Sam right now. The rest we can discuss later."

Bobby nods and leans over the open books. "I think he's back."

"Who?"

Bobby looks up, his eyes dangerously nervous looking. "Lucifer."

Dean's blood chills. Castiel reaches out for his hand. "Why?"

"Because it's the dead of summer and there are record lows of 20 degrees." Bobby informs the boys.

"Where?" Dean chokes out.

"Same as before. Detroit."

The Impala rounds a corner doing at least 25 over the respected speed limit for a turn like that and Castiel grabs the dashboard to steady himself.

"Don't think the worst Dean."

Dean growls low in his chest. "I know my brother."

"As do I."

Dean shoots him a look of death, his chest heaving. "Yeah. Don't I know it?"

Castiel's eyes narrow. "I did not mean it like that and you know it. I meant I spent a lot of time with him looking for you. He knew what you sacrificed so he could live. He wouldn't do that to you. Not now. Not after everything."

Dean grips the steering wheel until his knuckles turn white. "That's exactly why he would do it. He wants me to have a life now. He thinks he's in the way."

"So what do you think he plans to do?" Castiel asks gently.

Dean swallows hard. "What he was supposed to 2 months ago."

Dean drives as long as he can before his eyes practically slam shut. Castiel offers to drive through the night but Dean insists they stop.

Dean gets a better room than he normally does when he is with Sam. The bed is a king size, and there's a mini bar and even a bigger TV with more than just HBO and channel 11. But the TV never even gets turned on.

Dean slides underneath the high thread count sheets in just his underwear. Castiel sits on the edge of the bed, nervous for some reason.

"What's with you?" Dean asks, yawning.

"This is my fault."

Dean turns his head on the pillow to stare at the back of Castiel's head. "What the fuck are you talking about?"

"It's my fault. If Sam…"Castiel shakes his head. "I should have never…"

"Cas." Dean sits up and puts his hand flat on his back. "He didn't leave because he slept with you. He left because he thinks he's doing us a favor by leaving. So you and I can live some type of apple pie life or something." Dean falls back against the ridiculously comfortable bed. "Like that could even happen."

"But if this hadn't happened. If I had just done what I was supposed to do…"

"What? Be heavens bitch? Do you even realize how much you have helped me? Helped Sam? We wouldn't even be here if it weren't for you."

Castiel snorts.

"Cas. Look at me."

Castiel doesn't move.

"Cas. Please."

HE finally turns his head and looks over his shoulder, but never moves his body.

"Do you regret…this?" Dean asks.

Castiel closes his eyes. "It's all I ever wanted."

"Then what's the problem?" Dean pulls on Cas's elbow and Cas falls down onto the pillows, his eyes still closed.

"You're not happy."

"I am." Dean presses his lips to Castiel's bare chest. "I am."

"You're not happy unless you're with Sam." Castiel pushes his head away a little.

"Who's jealous now?"

Castiel's eyes narrow and he props himself up on his elbows. "This has nothing to do with jealousy. I want you happy. And if us being together is going to cause Sam to leave and possibly…"He can't even finish the thought. "Then how can this make you happy?"

"We're gonna find Sam." Dean's hand goes to Castiel's cheek. He rubs his thumb against his cheek bone. "And we're gonna keep fighting like we always do."

Castiel turns his head to look into Dean's green eyes. "I'll never understand."

"Understand what?" Dean pulls him closer.

"Why it's me."

Dean smiles and buries his face into the crook of Castiel's neck. "You saved me."

Dean only sleeps about 2 hours before he is awakened by Castiel mumbling next to him. Dean leans his head down to listen more closely to his lover. Castiel's eyes flutter beneath his eye lids and his mouth opens and then closes. His forehead scrunches.

He's dreaming.

"No…."Castiel moans.

Dean presses his lips to Castiel's forehead. "Shhh."

Castiel's eyes fly open and he gasps for breath. He sits up frantically, clutching his chest.

"Cas! What?" Dean follows him, touching his shoulder. Castiel shudders and grips Dean's hand until he winces in pain.

"Christ. Cas, what's wrong?"

"It's Sam." Castiel wheezes out.

"What about Sam?" Dean stops breathing.

Castiel turns to look at Dean, tears welling in his blue eyes. "Lucifer finally has his true vessel."

One hour earlier:

"It's about time, Sammy."

Sam grinds his teeth together and his hands ball into fists. "It's Sam."

"Ah. Right." A man he does not recognize circles him in a now empty 7-eleven. Dead bodies lie at his feet, the smell of fresh blood and mayhem in the air. "You look well."

"You wanna make small talk?" Sam spits out.

The man puts his hands up in surrender. "I was only trying to polite."

"Where's my brother?"

"Oh, Adam?" The man eyes his fingernails on his left hand. "I needed to let Adam go. He didn't…fulfill his duty as I expected him to."

"You killed my brother?" Sam takes a step toward him.

"Now, now Sam. Adam knew the sacrifice he was making. Just like you did when you were going to make it." He eyes Sam up and down. "Or maybe that's why you're here again. Change your mind?"

"How did you make it out?"

Lucifer shrugs. "It is my hell. I know all the alleyways and secret passage ways." He gives Sam a small smirk. "How's Dean? I was sad to see him go. We had such fun down there."

"Leave him out of this! He has nothing…" Sam lunges toward the devil. Lucifer waves two fingers and throws Sam against the wall.

"Now, see? I think Dean has everything to do with this." He cocks his head and eyes Sam intently. He gets right in Sam's face, and sniffs him. "You smell like fallen angel. And for once it isn't me."

Sam's face grows hot. He looks away, lips trembling.

"Castiel." Lucifer says sourly.

"Shut up." Sam says almost pleading.

"So you've come to fulfill your destiny, not because you want to save the world but because your brother stole your boyfriend?"

Sam whips his head back and spits right in the devils face. Lucifer doesn't even flinch.

"Now was that nice? No wonder Castiel doesn't want you." He wipes his face and wraps his hand around Sam's neck. "I've always been a sucker for love struck puppies."

"I don't love him." Sam chokes out.

"Hmm. No. It seems you don't. But you believe you are in the way of…" Lucifer smiles, all teeth and curled lips. "Dean and Castiel. I see. Seems my brother has turned into quite a whore."

"Just tell me what I need to do." Sam pleads.

"Do? Sam, I don't need you anymore. Michael is dead. I'm free from hell. There's nothing I want you for anymore."

"Bullshit. Take me. I don't care anymore. Everyone is better off without me around. This is my destiny? Fine. I accept it." Sam struggles against the wall.

With one blink Lucifer lets go of Sam and he collapses to the floor, gasping for breath and rubbing his neck.

"I do like your body better than this one." Lucifer looks down at his vessel and cringes. "You're much leaner. And taller." He wiggles his eye brows. "And you have big feet and hands."

Sam feels the vomit form in his throat. "So tell me what I need to do." Sam repeats.

Lucifer smiles down at him and reaches out his hand to the younger Winchester.

Sam slowly extends his hand and closes his eyes letting go.

Castiel holds Dean's hand as the speedometer on the Impala reaches over 90. Dean's hand is limp but Cas doesn't care. He needs to show Dean he is here. That he's always been here and he always will be.

"You can save him." Castiel reminds him.

Dean pulls his hand away.

Castiel closes his eyes and presses his head against the cool glass. It's August 3rd and the temperature outside, as they approach Detroit, is a record low of 26 degrees. Dean smashes the radio with his bare knuckles when it tells him this. His bloody hand now grips the steering wheel.

Dean drops his gun onto the bed and stares intently at the empty one next to it. Force of habit to get a room with two.

Castiel stands by the door, leaving it open. He has nothing to say.

"Get in here." Dean sighs heavily. The last thing he needs is to have to give Cas reassurance right now.

Castiel closes the door and sits on a nearby chair. He stares out the window, letting the silence of the room creep underneath his skin.

"You know, when we were kids…" Dean begins. "Ah fuck it, scratch that. Up until a few months ago, I never really thought of Sammy as anything but my kid brother. The pain in the ass I always had to look after. But…I didn't let him. I took the reins from him yet again. I jumped into that hole instead of him. I didn't give him his chance, I didn't let him be an adult or make his own decision, you know?" He turns, staring at Cas. "Why do I always have to be the one in charge? Why can't I ever just let things go?"

Castiel stands, walking slowly to Dean. "Because you love him."

Dean shakes his head, swallowing down tears. "It's always felt like more than that. I…don't know. Forget it."

"It's family." Castiel touches the side of Dean's face. "It's deeper than anything on this earth. Nothing can compete with it. I cannot compete with it."

Dean's eyes widen a little and he takes Cas's hand off his cheek, squeezing it gently. "You are family."

Castiel smiles weakly. "That's very kind of you, Dean, but…"

Dean pulls Castiel to him roughly. "Listen to me. You gave everything for us. For me. You gave up your own family, your own father, your beliefs. A shot at eternal peace, and for what? To be human? To feel pain for the rest of whatever life the cards deal you?"

"For you." Castiel whispers.

"And that's why your family. That's why…"Dean's mouth goes dry. His head swims. His stomach lurches. He doesn't want it, but it just is. It's not something he can run from like he has been running his whole life. He used to be able to push those feelings down inside him, burying them with greasy burgers, cheap beer and pie. But now…Castiel's eyes are too blue and he's given up too much to keep running.

"I know." Castiel tells him, pressing his forehead to Dean's chest. "I know."

Dean wraps his arms around his new lover. "We have to save him."

"Maybe this is just the way it is supposed to be now, Dean." Castiel regrets saying it the moment it passes over his lips.

"Maybe." Dean breathes out. "But I have to try."

Castiel kisses him which leads to more kissing and crumpled up clothes on the motel floor. The night brings heated air, bruised lips and skin, and fear buried by tangled limbs and new experiences.

Tomorrow they hunt the devil.

Tomorrow they hunt Sam.

Tiny snow flakes hit the Impala's windshield for only a mere second before the wiper destroys them. Dean stares at the mansion in front of them; the iron gate melted and tangled in itself like it had been burnt down even in 20 degree weather. Castiel keeps his eyes glued to his lap.

"You do whatever you can to save Sam."

"I will." Dean tells him barely paying attention.

"I'm serious, Dean. No matter what, no matter what I do, or what happens to me, you keep fighting to save Sam." Castiel's voice cracks.

Dean slowly turns his head toward his lover. "What are you telling me here, Cas? That you're gonna do something stupid?"

"I'm gonna do whatever it takes for you to get Sam back."

Dean grabs Castiel's shoulder, hard, and squeezes. "Don't be a fucking martyr. Cause if I can't save him and I lose you too…"Dean closes his eyes. "Just stay behind me and let me do the talking."

"He was my brother too."

Dean knows Castiel means Lucifer, not Sam. And in that moment Dean realizes how hard this is for Castiel as well. This isn't just about Dean and Sam anymore. It isn't just about the Winchester brothers. It's about two fallen angels as well, once brothers in paradise, one cast down by the hand of God, and one cast down by his own hand. Castiel will come face to face with his own brother again, perhaps for the last time.

"Everyone is coming out of this alive." Dean promises. Castiel just nods.

The door is open when they approach it and they can hear what can only be described as weird gospel opera echoing and bouncing off the walls of the mansion Lucifer has decided to inhabit. Dean keeps his gun at his side, Castiel walking next to him, no weapon but his still intact faith.

Old habits die hard.

As the music grows louder, so does the overwhelming nauseous feeling in Dean's stomach. He grips the handle of his handgun harder, knowing damn well he isn't going to use it.

He pushes open the large wooden door, engravings of crosses and what seems like doves craved into the wood. The music is deafening now. Dean swallows hard, reaches back to touch Cas's arm, just to make sure he is still with him, and steps inside. The large windows that wrap around what seems to be the study of this mansion are all open, letting the wind and snow into the room. Sam's back is to them as they enter and he seems to be swaying to the woman's loud and bossy tone coming from the stereo against the far wall.

Castiel grips the back of Dean's shirt, tugging, trying to get his attention. Dean just stares at the back of his brother's head.

"He's gone." Castiel whispers. "That is Lucifer."

Dean clears his throat and he watches as Sam's shoulders tense and the temperature in the room drops another 5 degrees. Icicles form from the edges of the furniture and it's so cold in the room it almost hurts to breathe. Castiel takes one large step back toward the door.

"Where are you going, brother?" Sam's voice slams off the walls of the room. The door behind Castiel slams shut, causing some of the ice to shatter onto the hard wood floor. Sam turns slowly, a smirk spread across his face. He eyes Castiel first then Dean. His eyes rest for a while on Dean; two pair of eyes that once used to match so perfectly, slowing becoming more and more like strangers.

Once hazel eyes flicker and then cloud to black.

"Don't you want to show me what you gave it all up for? Why don't you show me what you and this human do in the dark?"

Lucifer circles them, looking like Sam, speaking like Sam, but both Dean and Castiel know Sam is long gone.

"Get out of my brother, you son of a bitch." Dean growls, following his every move.

Lucifer laughs, and again it sounds like Sam…

"You're brother begged for this, Dean. He wanted me to take him away from all this. All the pain. The misery. He just wanted it all to end. So I granted him his wish. I always did love this body." Lucifer runs his hand underneath Sam's shirt, revealing his chiseled abs. "And apparently so did your boyfriend."

Dean lunges at Lucifer but gets slammed back against the wall with a flick of his wrist.

"Dean!" Castiel yells rushing over to his side. He wraps his arms around him, but Dean pushes him off roughly climbing back to his feet.

Lucifer smiles at the scene in front of him. "Isn't that precious? Castiel, tell me. What's your secret?"

"I don't understand what you are referring to." Castiel says softly.

"No?" He circles the two men, eying both of them intently. "Both Winchester brothers? You must be one hell of a stallion in bed."

"That has nothing to do with this."

"No? I think it has everything to do with it. Sam so consumed by guilt for fucking his brother's boy? Knowing he was just in the way of the two of you riding off into the sunset together singing Abba songs? I think that has everything to do with it." Lucifer reaches out, running his hand along Castiel's cheek. "I guess I can see what they see in you. So innocent. So naïve."

Castiel shakes him off and Dean makes a small lunge at him again. "Keep your fucking hands off him."

Lucifer lets out a loud cackle. "This really is so amazingly sweet I may puke." He stops circling them and folds his hands in front of him, standing up straight. "So what is it exactly you came for?"

"I want Sam back." Dean tells him, almost pleading.

"I'm sorry, but you are going to just have to pick another door. It seems that that prize behind door number one is permanently off the market."

"Take me instead."

Castiel's eyes widen and he reaches out for Dean. "Dean, no."

Lucifer cocks his head, giving them a small smile. "That's a nice gesture Dean, but you do nothing for me I'm afraid."

"I'm Michael's vessel!" Dean screams at him. "That's got to be worth something!"

"It was." Lucifer sighs heavily. "And you were. Michael is dead. You're nothing now, Dean. You're just an empty shell. But you should be used to that, no? Isn't that what you always felt about yourself anyway? Hollow? Waiting for something, anything to fill that void? Well I hate to break it to you kid, but nothing will. Not even pretty boy ex angels."

Castiel swallows hard, gripping the knife in his pocket. A knife he went to the ends of earth, well not literally but it felt like it, to get. A knife he believed could be the only thing to kill Lucifer, besides the cage Dean while in Michael's body attempting to lock him back in. A knife made out of melted down rings. Rings that belonged to 4 horsemen.

He gives Dean one last tiny look, a look that says everything. Says he's sorry. Says he loves him. And that he did this, all of this, for him.

He stabs the knife within 2 blinks of eye into Lucifer's heart. He screams, stumbles back, the snow and ice that had formed inside the room immediately turning to water and steam from the heat that was now radiating through out it. Lucifer slams against the wall, groaning, his eyes turning from black to red and finally an off white color. Castiel and Dean stand there, waiting, in awe of what they were witnessing. It had worked.

Dean could kill Castiel in this moment. Not telling him his plan. But he would have done the same thing. Which in a way is why he supposes they are so perfect together.

Lucifer grips the wall, his knees buckling. He's sliding down the wall ever so gently. Dean makes a move toward Sam's body but Castiel grabs him roughly.

"No."

"But Sam…"Dean whispers.

"Just…wait." Castiel demands.

They watch as the life seems to seep out of Sam. As the essence that was once Lucifer, pour into the hardwood floor beneath him. Dean and Castiel both breathe a sigh of relief and Dean pulls Cas to him, pressing his face into the side of his neck.

"Fuck. Are you crazy?" Dean whispers in Castiel's ear, gripping the back of his shirt tightly.

"I had to do something." Castiel kisses Dean's skin.

Dean pulls back, just centimeters from Castiel's lips. He lowers his head, reaching for his mouth. But as his lips meet Cas's he hears a soft snap the man he is holding in his arms, collapses to the floor in a heap.

"NO!" Dean bends down, scooping up Castiel into his arms. "NO!"

Dean looks over to find Lucifer standing again, knife still in his chest, laughing like a mad man.

"Did you HONESTLY think that was going to work, Dean? I'm the fucking devil for Christ's sake." He pulls the knife out of his heart and drops it to the floor with a loud thud and jingle. "Now, where were we?"

Lucifer wraps his large and once familiar hands around Dean's neck. He pulls him up off the floor, the tips of his shoes dragging along the hardwood. He looks deep into Dean's eyes.

"Don't worry. You'll be with Castiel again. You remember hell, don't you Dean?"

"Fuck…you…" Dean manages to spit out with his wind pipe getting crushed.

"Mmm. No thanks. You're not my type." Lucifer's fingers tighten and Dean closes his eyes and thinks of Sam and Castiel one last time.

"That's ENOUGH, Lucifer!"

Dean hears a voice, faintly in the distance. He tries to open his eyes but everything goes black.

When Dean awakens, he knows he is unable to speak. He reaches immediately for his throat, rubbing it and wincing at the bruising he can feel. His eyes are blurry and he tries to focus on the scene in front of him. He see's over turned furniture but bright sunlight is pouring in from the shattered large bay windows.

He attempts to speak, but nothing comes out but gurgles. He looks for Cas's body, but it no where to be seen. But he does see Lucifer, kneeling on the hardwood floor, looking down, literally looking like he is praying. Dean pushes up with his wrist and crawls across the floor. The ground begins to shake and he quickly ducks back down.

"Father…"Lucifer whispers. "Father, please have mercy on me."

Dean looks up slowly, trying to adjust his eyes to the sunlight. He can see a faint shape standing in front of Lucifer, but the light is too bright. He cannot not make out his face.

But the figure says nothing.

"You stopped loving me…I…" Lucifer continues.

"Silence."

Dean knows that voice. He isn't sure.

"I'm sorry." Lucifer whimpers.

"This has gone on long enough. I stepped back, tried to let my sons work it out amongst yourselves, but you couldn't even do that right. What has happened here, on earth, to the Winchesters, to many of my other sons and daughters, is disgusting. I will not let it continue any longer. This is over as of now."

Dean definitely knows that voice. It isn't as raspy. Or…whiny. But he knows it. For sure.

Clouds move across the sun and the room is blanketed in shade. Dean's eyes focus a bit more from the floor and then he sees him perfectly clear.

It's God. He knows it. By his words. The way he stands. Everything about him screams…heaven.

He's dressed all in white. White pants, white flowy button down shirt. But bare feet. Dean rolls his eyes. He knew God was a fucking hippie.

Dean lifts himself up on his elbows and crawls a few inches closer. He needs to find Castiel. He wonders if his body somehow got destroyed in all that transpired with God's arrival.

"Now, you're going to let Sam Winchester go. And you're going to go back to what you created for yourself and you're going to stay there. You're time here is over." God demands.

"Yes, father."

"I mean it, Lucifer. Do not make me kill my own son."

Lucifer shakes his head. "I won't."

God nods at his son and Lucifer looks up to the ceiling, arms out and bright orange light begins to pour out in long ribbons from his eyes and mouth. The room shakes and Dean collapses to the floor again to cover his ear from the screeching deafening sounds. When the chaos stops, Dean gently lifts his head to find the room back to its original version, he presumes. Windows and furniture in tact. And the temperature in the room is at a normal degree.

Sam's body lies in a heap on the floor. It takes all of Dean's energy to crawl toward his brother. When he reaches him, he lifts him up into his arms, cradling his head against his chest.

"No. Don't do this to me again. You hear me, you son of a bitch! Don't leave me alone!" Dean pleads.

There is no movement or sound from Sam.

Dean feels the tears forming in his eyes as he holds Sam's lifeless body against his. He lets himself cry, sob actually, for the first time in what could be determined as years. He shakes, and quivers and cries until he is sure he has nothing left inside him. And he doesn't. He's lost his brother. His lover. His parents. Friends. Everything that has ever mattered to him is gone. He has nothing left to live for.

"Dean Winchester. Stop your crying."

The voice echoes through his head but Dean just squeezes his eyes shut harder.

"Dean."

The voice is sterner this time, he opens his eyes, the room now filled with sunlight. He just rocks back and forth, his brother in his arms. "Just leave me alone. Haven't I done enough! Haven't I sacrificed enough!"

Chuck kneels down in front of him, back in his jeans and dirty flannel shirt and hair a mess, looking nothing like the clean shaven; sharply dressed being that had just put Lucifer back in hell.

"You're freaking out for nothing." Chuck smiles and slowly reaches his hand out, touching Sam on the forehead with two fingers. As if by magic, Sam's eyes suddenly spring open, he gasps for breath and sits up out of Dean's arms. He fails around, looking at Chuck, then Dean, clutching at his own body.

"W-What happened? Where…what?"

"Sammy. It's okay. You're okay. You're you, right?" Dean touches the side of Sam's face.

"He's him. No lost memories, unlike when you returned." Chuck stands, walking slowly over to the bay window.

"It was you…all this time." Dean whispers.

Chuck keeps his back to them. "Yes. It was the best way to keep a better eye on the two of you without being too involved with your lives."

"You son of a bitch! You let this all happen!" Dean scrambles to stand, lunging at him.

Chuck lifts his hand and Dean becomes frozen where he stands.

"Enough."

Sam makes his way over to Chuck, non confrontational. "Then…why?"

Chucks turns to Sam, a small smirk across his lips. "It was a test. For the both of you." He nods toward Dean.

"A test?" Dean spits out with anger.

Chuck nods. "And I think you did all right. I mean you were up against good, evil. Angels, devils…destiny. Even God himself." Chuck opens his arms out.

"And…did we pass?" Sam asks with concern.

"Sam, who gives a shit if we passed! What he put us through…!" Dean yells.

"You made a choice." Chuck interrupts. "You chose family."

Dean and Sam look at each other and both of them, without being able to help it, share a small smile.

"Isn't that the whole point?"

Sam swallows. "So that's it. It's over?"

"Yeah, is this the end of the "Winchester Gospel"?" Dean makes air quotes.

Chuck just smiles and snaps his fingers. The door to the room flies open and a strong breeze blows through the room. Castiel appears, in all his glory, back in his suit and beige trench coat.

Dean's heart breaks.

"Cas?"

"Hello, Dean." His voice is deep and raspy, just like…

"You're an angel again." Dean whispers.

Castiel nods and looks at Chuck.

"He has served me well. He will sit at my right hand in heaven." Chuck nods at Castiel with gratitude in his eyes.

Dean says nothing and gathers himself together. He clears his throat. "Great. Well as heart warming as this has been I need to get the fuck out of here."

"Dean." Chuck's voice booms throughout the room.

Dean stops dead in his tracks.

"What is it you expected? This is just the way it is supposed to be." Chuck reminds him.

"Yeah, got that."

"You have your brother. Your work is done now. You can live your life."

Dean nods, his heart shattering into millions of pieces, the vomit forming in his throat. "Right. Okay, good. Let's go Sammy."

"Dean." Castiel's voice is soft. It reminds Dean of late nights in the motels. Nothing between them but the night. Dean closes his eyes. He says nothing.

"Dean. Please understand." Castiel begs.

Dean shakes his head and takes a step toward the door.

"It's Castiel's choice." Chuck reminds them both. "It's Castiel's choice as to what he wants. To go up to heaven with me, serve me and help me. Or he can remain here on earth, as a human…with you."

Dean's hand lay gently on the door jamb. He just closes his eyes and rests his forehead against the wood.

Castiel looks between his father…and the man he loves. The man he gave up everything for. The man who has sacrificed so much for him as well. He lowers his head and gently falls to his knees in front of his creator. Chuck touches Castiel's cheek gently and nods once.

Sam shields his eyes as Castiel's grace is carried away from him in the air as if on a feather, for the second time in 6 months. It's bright, just like Sam imagined it would be, but it disappeared as if like a tiny breath from a baby. When Sam opens his eyes again, Castiel is still kneeling, gasping for breath, both hands lying flat in front of him.

"Cas?" Sam asks.

Cas looks up, humanity in his eyes. "I'm so hungry."

Sam laughs and looks to Dean, who has now turned around, tear stains on his cheeks. Castiel looks over at him, and smiles. He groans as he attempts to stand, but he stumbles and Dean is over to him before either of them can even muster another breath.

"I got ya." Dean says softly, holding Castiel against him.

"I know." Castiel reminds him.

Sam watches the two of them, with happiness but pain in his heart. He's happy for his brother and his friend, but he knows, he will always know, he will still always be the odd one out. The freak. The one who doesn't belong. Dean finally got something. He finally got a life.

"Sam."

Sam looks at Chuck and nods, giving him a small smile.

"What is it you want, Sam? What would make you happy?" he asks.

"I'm good. Dean's happy, you know? Castiel is alive. I'm good." Sam lies.

Chuck cocks his head and laughs a little. "You don't lie as well as Dean does." He pretends to think for a moment and then snaps his fingers. There is a rush of soft and gentle wind that rushes through Sam's hair before the smell of lavender fills the room. He blinks, taking in the sight that is now in the door way.

He feels his heart begin to come out of his chest. His stomach flutters and he attempts to breath.

"Jess?"

Sam clings to Jess with everything he has. He wonders if this is just a dream. Another trick or mirage. But she feels so real. She smells how she used to all those years ago. Like life. Like sun.

"How…?" Sam mouths at Chuck. Chuck just shrugs and smiles.

"What can I say? I'm a sucker for happy endings." He looks at both Sam and Dean. "You both did well. You deserve to have everything you want."

"Thank you." Sam whispers, burying his nose in Jess's blonde hair. "I missed you."

"You too, Sam." She breathes into his ear.

"Just because Lucifer is back in hell doesn't mean that there still isn't evil out there. I'm not that good. It needs to be hunted." He points at the brothers.

Sam and Dean just nod, holding the love of their lives against themselves. Dean looks to his younger brother and winks. "Guess we have work to do."

Sam laughs, hugging Jess tighter to him.

"Be good boys. Maybe I'll see you again someday." Chuck walks toward the door, hands in his pockets.

"You think?" Sam asks after him. Chuck turns, a smirk spread across his lips.

"Nothing ever really ends, does it?"

6 months later:

Sam drops his shot gun into the trunk of the Impala and slams it shut. He looks around, putting his handgun into his back pocket. Dean comes up behind him, lowering his back pack off his shoulder.

"Where's Cas?" Sam asks.

Dean opens the trunk again, throwing his backpack into it. "Still in the shower. I swear he's worse than a girl."

"He IS the girl." Sam teases. Dean punches his brother's shoulder playfully.

They both lean against the bumper of the Impala, taking in the brisk winter air. It's February, in Ohio, and the freshly fallen snow makes the world look almost new again. Fresh. For just a few moments.

"What did you find out?" Dean asks finally breaking the silence.

"Typical haunting. Probably a poltergeist of some kind. Nothing we can't handle."

Dean smiles to himself. "Nope. Nothing we can't handle."

They both head back into the motel to find Jess, packing up her own bag on the bed. She smiles at Sam when he enters and clicks the magazine up into the handgun Sam had bought her for Christmas. She wiggles her eye brows as she slides it into her back pocket of her tight jeans. Sam licks his lips and walks briskly to her, grabbing her into his arms. She giggles, swatting at his large forearms, and he tackles her onto the bed.

"What do you think you're doing, Sam Winchester?" She nibbles at his ear and he growls playfully.

"You do that on purpose."

She laughs, pulling back from him. "Do what?"

"You know it drives me crazy when you load your gun like that."

Jess just smiles and Sam devours her mouth with his.

Dean just smiles at them, happy that Sam has this. He deserves it. And Jess was and would always be Sam's soul mate.

The bathroom door opens and steam pours out from inside. Castiel exits, white towel wrapped around his small waist. Hair wet and sticking up every which way.

"About time." Dean teases.

"I like hot showers." Castiel tells him, walking past him to his own bag for clothes.

"Don't I know it." Dean whispers. Castiel gives Dean a tiny smirk over his shoulder as he pulls a t-shirt on.

"We gotta get going guys if we're gonna kill this thing." Jess reminds Dean and Castiel as she pushes Sam off her. She stands, adjusting her shirt and running her fingers through her blonde hair a few times.

Jess had taken quickly to the hunting. She was a natural. But of course she would be. She was Sam's soul mate after all. Just like their mother.

Castiel goes into the bathroom to quickly get some clothes on and returns only moments later, dressed in loose jeans, boots and one of Dean's favorite T-shirts. Just like a girl to change. Again.

Dean eyes his t-shirt and Cas just smiles at him before planting a hard kiss on Dean's mouth. "I like it."

"I know." Dean says, capturing his lips again.

Castiel grabs his bag and Jess's and opens the motel door. He and Jess make their way to the Impala as Sam and Dean take one last look inside the room.

Even though they had what could be called a "normal" life now, with people they love at their sides, this would still always be who they really are. What they did.

Saving people.

Hunting things.

The family business.

All that had happened, every road they had taken, every decision they made, every choice, all led up to this moment. And every road, decision and choice they made tomorrow or next year would still be leading to whatever they were headed toward.

All that had happened was how they got to where they were going.

Epilogue:

The book slides across the desk with a soft scratching sound. Becky looks down at the book, her fingers grazing over the cover every so gently. Her mouth slightly open and eyes wide like dinner plates, she looks up at the once love of her life.

"It's done?"

"Yes. I wanted you to have the first copy. Before it goes up for full circulation."

Becky quickly picks the book up, clutching it against her chest. She smiles.

"This is it for me. There's nothing more to write."

Becky shakes her head quickly. "No. That can't be. There's got to be more."

"No. Stories over. Happily ever after and all that crap."

Becky looks after her once lover as he heads toward the door, a pain in her heart. "What are you gonna do now?"

Chuck turns back, looking over his shoulder at her. "Oh, I'll be around."

Becky slowly opens the book, settling down in her chair.

"On April 21, 1967, the 100 millionth GM vehicle rolled off the line at the plant in Janesville - a blue two-door caprice…"