I'm – NOT – Okay

A/N: Hiya! I know I should be writing the next chapter for The Guy I Sit Next To but… too hard. And I got this idea! So yeah. This is basically me making Feli feel what I feel. 'Cause I'm cruel like that. (I hope none of my friends read this… But I don't think any of them know my username so all is good! Except Hungary… and Boc-Chan… I may be screwed~) Result of my bad mood and sheer boredom!

Warning: Involves depression, self-harm, dark thoughts, all that kind of stuff! Please, for the love of tomatoes, DO NOT read it if you think this is going to affect you! THIS MAY BE TRIGGERING. (I dunno, I'd consider it triggering…) Also; Romano is in this. This IS Itacest. There shall be swearing. And Yaoi at some point.

Now! ONWARDS! TO A PROBABLY SOMEWHAT-DARK-FAIL-STORY!

Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia. If I did, it'd be filled with Yaoi.

Chapter 1: The Beginning

Feliciano walked around the empty house aimlessly, a blank expression on his face. I'm so tired… he thought as he mindlessly, and somewhat subconsciously, walked going in and out of random rooms. He didn't know why he was tired. He had been getting enough sleep – school holidays are always good for catching up on sleep. So; why was he so tired? And you're probably thinking it was from the walking, but that had nothing to do with it. He was sure that it wasn't because he hadn't been eating very much at all.

Maybe he was just mentally exhausted? Or emotionally? Ever since Feliciano's and Lovino's parents divorced – quite violently he may add – he'd just been going downhill. Especially since it was just before he started high school. That'd been his breaking point actually. It didn't begin there. That was just where he broke, but he'd rather not think about that.

Every day he just felt worse and worse – these days, he very rarely smiled a real smile. But of course, he could be worse off. He could be abused, he could be kidnapped, he could be homeless and about a thousand other things. So if you think about it, this wasn't so bad.

But lately, he just wasn't feeling anything. Sometimes there was sparks of emotions but happiness and other emotions like that had been dulled considerably. Guilt and fear were still prominent, sadness was also starting to dull slightly during these sparks. He just felt so… empty.

Feliciano held up his wrist so he could see the four scabs on his right arm, each red and irritated. Yes, he had done this to himself. But they weren't the slices from razor blades that people who self-harm usually have – he had scratched his skin raw with his fingernails until it bled. He did this four times over the course of two days. There was also a slightly faded scar closer to the bend in his arm, inflicted with his house key. This was all the result of wanting to feel something. He had done the same thing another two times before those but they had faded.

No one had actually noticed the scabs yet – nor did they ever notice the other faded scar when it had first been inflicted. It made things easier anyway.

Feliciano even wondered whether he was just a mistake. An accident. He thought that someone else was supposed to be born instead of him – that he shouldn't exist.

I guess you could say he was slipping. But he always made sure to make others believe he was fine. Just good ol' hyper-bubbly Feliciano. He hadn't told anyone of his current mental-state. After all, things could be worse. It was easier to make them think he was okay. Because that's exactly what he was – okay. He was okay.

Feliciano sat on the dirt brown couch, leaning his head back. Fratello should be home soon… he thought, staring at the ceiling. Lovino, Feliciano's older twin, had gone grocery shopping claiming that they needed to eat something other than pasta for every meal of the day.

If there was one thing Feliciano wished for, it was for his brother to love him. That's something he wanted badly. Lovino hated him, despised him and seemed to think of him as a burden. 'A pain in the ass' as he had so kindly put it. Feliciano didn't understand. He had always tried to make his brother happy but nothing he did seemed to work. He'd nearly given up.

The sound of a car pulling into the drive way could be heard as Feliciano lifted his head. His brother was home. He quickly turned on the TV to some cooking show in another language as Lovino opened the door, an arm full of groceries.

"Salve fratello~!" Feliciano called to him as Lovino walked into the kitchen.

Lovino grunted in response setting the bag on the bench. Rustling and opening of cupboards could be heard as Lovino put assorted items in their places. Feliciano got up and skipped into the kitchen.

"What's for dinner fratello~?"

"Pizza." Lovino stated simply.

"Yay!" Feliciano cheered, standing on the other side of the bench so he was facing his brother.

Lovino grabbed a chopping board and a knife and set them in front of him. "What've you been watching?" he asked, hearing the random gibber of some foreign language.

"Uh…" Feliciano mumbled, scratching the back of his head, "A cooking show!"

"Right… Hey," he said, reaching toward Feliciano and grabbing his arm, "what the fuck happened to your arm?"

"Hm?"

"This. What happened here?" Lovino asked impatiently, gesturing to the scabs on his arm.

He saw them! Feliciano thought, starting to panic a little.

"U-uh… I um… fell over… I tripped on my shoe lace~." He replied, smiling nervously.

Lovino looked at him, seeming to be searching for something in his eyes. "Why didn't you tell me, idiot? We could've fixed this up! They look really irritated…" he sighed, continuing to examine his arm.

"Heh… Sorry fratello~" he smiled.

"Oi, what's this?" Lovino asked, slightly more alarmed as he traced his thumb over the faded scar.

"Oh that? Uh… I was at a dog park and one of the big doggies jumped on me and scratched me!"

Lovino searched his eyes once again making Feliciano grow more nervous.

"…Liar."

"W-What?" Feliciano asked, a small confused smile on his face.

"You're lying. You didn't fall over did you?" Lovino asked – more likely stating.

"I did fall over fratello! Why would I lie about that?" he replied, trying to pull his arm away.

"You don't get these sort of scratches from falling over!" Lovino retorted, gripping his arm tighter, "Feliciano Veniziano Vargas, tell me the truth!"

Feliciano yanked his arm away and bolted towards the stairs, nearly tripping over his own feet. He could hear Lovino running after him as he climbed the stairs at record speed. Lovino's voice could be heard throughout the house as he chased Feliciano, yelling his name.

Feliciano quickly ran to his room and slammed the door, panting. Lovino bashed his fists against the door yelling, "Feliciano! Open the door!"

Feliciano slid to the floor against the door, his hands covering his face. No… he's figuring it out… he thought as a tear slid down his cheek. The image he had worked so hard to keep was going to be ruined.

"Feliciano! What did you do?! Open the door right now!"

He curled up slightly, a soft sob escaping from him. Gradually his sobs got louder. No… he'll know… everything will be ruined…

Lovino stopped banging and yelling when he started to hear something coming from the other side of the door. It was… sobbing. He sighed and tried to calm himself. He knew now that something was not right with his brother.

"Feliciano… please open the door…" he said, much softer than he original yelling.

Feliciano lifted his head from his hands slowly, tears still streaming down his face. I guess… there isn't really much point in hiding now… he thought as he used the door to stand up, somewhat shakily. He opened the door slowly, peeking through the crack.

Lovino sighed and opened the door all the way leaving his brother exposed. "Feliciano…" he murmured, placing a hand on his shoulder. Suddenly Feliciano threw himself at him, hugging him tightly. Lovino was about swear at him out of habit but stopped himself. He slowly wrapped his arms around his brother, realising how small he actually was even if they were roughly the same height. Feliciano began to sob softly.

"I-It's okay…" Lovino reassured him, petting his hair softly, "It's gonna be okay…"

A/N: Sorry this is short. Tell me what you think?