The Longer I Run, a hunger games fanfic

This was originally written for SabaceanBabe for the 2013 Holiday Exchange.

The woods haven't changed a bit and I'm able to take solace in that fact, even though the rest of my life has turned upside down.

It's been three weeks since Peeta and I were declared the winners of the 74th Annual Hunger Games and barely twelve hours since the last of the cameras cleared out of District 12. They'll be back in a few months for the Victory Tour, of course, but at least I have some time to try and repair the only friendship I left behind.

Gale perches on the hollow log that I use for storage. I should say something, I realize, announce my presence, or at least purposefully step on a twig or something to give him a warning that I'm sneaking up behind him, but I never would have done that before… And I want things to stay as normal as possible between the two of us.

But somehow, just like he always does, Gale knows I'm there.

I don't know exactly what I expect when he turns to look at me, but it isn't the derisive snort he sends my way. "Well, you're a difficult person to get alone lately."

I scuff my toe in the dirt. "To be completely honest, I wasn't sure if you'd want to see me."

"Ain't just my woods, Catnip," he says quietly and reaches inside the log for my quiver and bow. I take them from him when he offers and run my fingers along the wood grain, worn smooth by years of use. It's comforting to hold this bow in my hands instead of the cool, heavy, metal one I used in the Games.

Gale studies me carefully as I inspect the bow. "I figured you'd be buying all your meat nowadays instead of shooting it."

The implication stings. Of course I have the money for butcher meat now, but our hunting trips mean so much more to me than just survival anymore. I lower my bow and look him in the eyes. "I didn't just come out here to hunt, Gale."

"Oh, so we're actually going to talk?" He crosses his arms. "How does your boyfriend feel about that?"

"Peeta's not…" I say quickly and then sigh. I can't say I wasn't exactly expecting this inquisition from Gale, considering that Peeta and I had spoken maybe three words to each other before the Games and then all of a sudden we're madly in love… We may have fooled everyone else in Panem, even in District 12, but there's no fooling my best friend. "It's not like that," I finish quietly. For whatever reason, I can't make myself meet his eyes.

Gale grabs a stick from the ground near his feet and starts tracing idle shapes in the dirt. "Guess those cameras are pretty deceiving then, 'cause you sure looked cozy in that cave when he was dying."

"He was dying," I say, a little more bitterly than I had intended. "And they wanted a show. We did whatever it took to give them one. I did what I had to to keep us alive."

He shifts uncomfortably and then jerks his head toward the thickening woods. "Saw some turkeys up the way. Wanna check the snare line?"

I nock an arrow, grateful that—for now at least—the conversation seems to be over. "I'll follow you."

He finds the snare line easily and we creep deeper and deeper into the woods. "I brought Rory and Prim out here after..." He stops suddenly, as if he's realized that the Games are still taboo around me. They probably always will be. "Well, after you left. Figured I'd try to teach them a thing or two, but I think they're both too tender-hearted."

My stomach twists uncomfortably as I think of my sister in the woods, struggling past her empathy and healing tendencies to potentially support our family in the event of my… Well. If I hadn't returned. I'm so overwhelmed by the emotion of it all that I lower my bow and reach for Gale's hand. My fingers just manage to close around the rough skin of his palm and I twine our digits together.

"Gale…" My voice is barely a whisper and I pause, waiting for him to look up at me, to see if the way he looks at me has changed at all. "Thank you for taking care of them." And then I'm leaning toward him, pulling him down closer to me, wondering if his kisses would make me feel the same way that Peeta's did. My lips part of their own accord as he inches toward me.

"I brought Madge out here, too," he says suddenly and jerks away from me, rubbing the hand I just held in mine over the back of his neck.

Blood rushes to my cheeks, but I'm determined to maintain my composure as I follow him down the snare line. "Oh? Did she fare better than Prim and Rory?"

He shrugs. "She didn't lose her lunch over the snare line, but she can't shoot worth a damn. But we didn't do…" Gale stops and points just ahead of us. "Looks like one of the stupid things wandered right in," he says with a grin, and jogs to where the fowl is tangled in the fine string.

Now that the embarrassment from our close call has faded, I've had time to more seriously consider the information just revealed to me. Gale brought Madge Undersee into the woods? The Mayor's daughter, who dresses in white frills and pink ribbons for Reaping Day? Madge is about the last person I can see walking the snares with Gale and kneeling to help him free a turkey. A white-hot surge of emotion engulfs me and I realize—I'm jealous.

"I guess I didn't realize you two were so close." I wait for him to respond, but he just concentrates more on the delicate knots that are wound around the turkey's leg.

I'm frustrated and I feel like a spoiled child. After it became apparent that Peeta and I really would be allowed to return home, all I could think about was the day I would finally be able to sneak back into the woods and hunt with my best friend. Through the never-ending interviews, the forced kisses with Peeta that lost all meaning and heat without the alienation of the cave, and the constant flashbacks, all I've dreamed about is getting things back to normal.

"How long are things going to be awkward between us?" I blurt.

He abandons the turkey and stands to face me. "You made things awkward, Katniss, not me."

"You brought Madge out here," I whine petulantly. "I thought this was for us."

"Well, she's not the kind of girl you take to the slag heap!" He sighs. "And as for you and me… That depends on you and your boyfriend as much as it does me and Madge."

I could scream at him. "I've told you: Peeta isn't my boyfriend, not really."

"Then what do you want?"

"I just want things to be normal!" Red flashes behind my eyes from the anger that's boiled up in my chest, so I force myself to take a deep breath. "I want things to be the way they were before the…" I swallow thickly. I spend a lot of time in my own head thinking about the Games, but to actually verbalize them would make them real. And I'm not sure I'm ready for that yet. "I want things to be like they were before I left."

Gale stands stoically in front of me for a long moment before he sighs. "We can't go back, Katniss. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it's just as much my fault as it is yours… Maybe even more so… I don't know… Things changed so much when you left. Madge—"

"I don't understand what Madge has to do with us," I snap. "Why do you keep bringing her up?"

"I fucked her, Katniss!"

His words are as effective as a slap in the face. It was never a secret to me that Gale often took our female classmates behind the slag heap and because it was none of my business, I never felt the need to bring it up. But hearing him admit it so openly and that it happened to be with my only other friend…

"We're tog…" He sighs and hoists the turkey onto his shoulder. "Look, I'm going to check one more snare and then I have to get home."

Gale takes off toward the fence and I sink onto the ground, my mind still reeling.

Gale and I do a pretty fantastic job of avoiding each other for the next few weeks and I've never felt so utterly alone, not even in that brief span of time between my father dying and me meeting Gale in the woods by chance one day. At least then I had my mother and sister who mourned with me. But now that I'm so different, I feel as if there's no one in the world who understands what I'm going through.

There's Peeta, of course, and on more than one occasion my mother suggests that I go across the narrow alley and invite him over for dinner. I decline, telling her that he probably has plans with his own family. The first few times I refused her, she cocked an eyebrow at me; after all, the love Peeta and I shared in the arena is what saved both our lives, but now that we're back home, nothing seems the same and Gale's confession to me two weeks ago does nothing more than just deepen my confusion.

A little more than a month after our fight, he goes to work in the mines six days a week. I'm grateful because it means I have the entire expanse of the woods to myself to wander around. I hunt when I feel like it, but mostly I just climb a tree and watch the sun make its path across the sky.

The phone call comes early one morning as I'm preparing for my daily excursion into the woods. No one ever calls us, so I know it must be a highly important call for me from the Capitol. I answer the phone with a gruff hello.

"Katniss, darling!" Effie trills on the other end. "How is my victor?"

I roll my eyes, grateful for the miles that separate us. Effie would never tolerate my blatant lack of manners if she were here in person. "I'm fine, Effie. And you?"

She giggles. "How sweet of you to ask! I'm just beside myself with the plans for the Victory Tour. But never fear! You and Peeta are sure to have the time of your lives. Can you believe it's only four months from now? Oh, we have so much to get ready for, which brings me to my point."

I sigh. At least she has an actual purpose for calling me. I've never been great with small-talk.

"Have you given any thought to what your talent might be?"

"My… talent?" I clear my throat nervously. Of course I know what she's referring to; I have watched the Games every year for as long as I can remember. Now that I'm a victor, I'm supposed to use my newfound free time to take up a hobby. I wrack my brain for my options. My mother knits, but she's tried to teach me before to no avail. Somehow, I don't think the Capitol—or President Snow, for that matter—would be interested in seeing me hunt illegally outside the boundary fence.

Prim bounces down the stairs, her fingertips trailing along the banister and then across the closed lid of the piano that sits in the foyer. Of course.

"I think I'd like to take piano lessons," I tell Effie.

I can practically see her glowing. "That's wonderful. Who can forget how beautiful your voice was when you sang in the arena? I'll have a shipment of music books sent to Twelve on the next train. Oh, Katniss. Do keep me updated on your progress."

"Of course, Effie. I'll talk to you again soon. Goodbye."

Prim's arms close around my waist from behind. She's taken to hugging me an awful lot ever since I returned. Not that I can blame her entirely. "What did Effie want?"

I shrug and tug lightly on one of her pigtails. "Just checking in on my talent. I'm going to the mayor's house today to ask Madge if she'll give me piano lessons."

My sister practically squeals. "It will be just like when Dad was around."

I know she means well and her blue eyes are so bright for once that I can't bring myself to tell her just how much her excitement pains me. Instead, I join her in the kitchen for a quick breakfast of cheese, apple slices, and a thick slice of toast. Then I press my lips to her forehead and bid her goodbye. I feel stifled in this unfamiliar house and I long for the release of the solitude of the woods.

I've barely made it down the front stairs when I see Peeta emerging from his house, a white towel folded over a few steaming loaves of bread. I stop short when I see him and turn my gaze to the ground.

He nods as he passes me. "Good morning, Katniss."

"Peeta." I tuck my hands in my pockets and rush toward the fence, desperate to be alone with my thoughts.

It's good luck—or maybe kismet—that my feet carry me to the strawberry patch that Gale and I discovered a few summers back. The bushes are surprisingly full, but this will probably be the last of the berries for the summer. I shake out my game bag and fill it with all the ripe fruit I can find. Asking Madge for a favor won't be easy, especially if Gale's told her that I know about the extent of their relationship. Maybe the strawberries will soften her resolve.

When I've emptied the bushes of their fruit, I head back into town and straight to the mayor's house. My stomach knots itself as I grow closer and closer to the door. Victor or not, Madge was my friend before I went away and I've ignored her, for all intents and purposes, since I returned.

She opens the door shortly after I've rapped a few times and her mouth falls open in surprise when she sees me. "Katniss." And she's hugging me toward her; sweet Madge, who always sat with me at lunch and never pressured me to talk; who pinned the mockingjay onto my dress before I was whisked away to what I was certain was my death. But as happy I am to feel her welcome me, there's a small part somewhere deep within me that hates her for taking away my best friend.

Madge ushers me inside and I awkwardly hold out the bag. "Strawberries," I say simply. "Probably the summer's last. Thought your dad might want them."

She pulls the bag open and looks inside with a smile. "Yes, I'm sure he will. Thank you." Without another word, she empties the bag into a bowl and sets them in the center of the table. Then she wrings her hands nervously. "I'm so glad you came by," she finally says, breaking the awkward silence between us.

"I'm sorry it took so long. I haven't been…"

"It's okay," she cuts me off. "I understand."

I shift my feet uncomfortably and clear my throat. "Look, Madge, I need a favor."

"Anything."

"I need… Would you… I have to have a talent since I'm a victor now and I just wondered if maybe you'd give me piano lessons?"

She grins widely. "Of course I will! Do you…" She motions toward the piano room. "Do you want to start now?"

I nod and let her grab my hand to lead me toward the music room.

On the fifth day of my piano lessons, it becomes quite apparent that I lack the talent for it. My fingers are too stiff and they fumble over the smooth keys. What Madge makes look effortless, I can screw up in about fifty different ways. I finally get so frustrated that I quit mid-arpeggio and start chewing on my thumbnail.

Madge sighs and flips through one of her thick, complicated music books. She takes a deep breath and begins to play. This is my favorite part of my lessons, just sitting back and watching her play. She truly has a gift for it and it's all too obvious in the way she sways back and forth in time with her fingers as they fly over the keys. The tune she plays is so haunting and lovely that I can't help but close my eyes and lose myself in the cascading melody.

I picture myself in the meadow, sitting in a sunlit patch of grass weaving together a chain of daisies as the soft blades tickle my bare feet. I expect to see Gale sitting by my side, but instead it's Peeta who joins me, his blond waves blowing in the summer breeze and his blue eyes sparkling. But he shouldn't be here with me, I realize. Peeta has always been with Madge, or so the rumors have always claimed.

I open my eyes, the realization suddenly hitting me. Madge went to Gale because she lost Peeta the same way Gale lost me. My head spins while I try to piece things together.

"Katniss?" Madge says quietly. How strange. I never even realized she stopped playing. "Are you all right? You look a little spacey."

"I'm fine." I feign a yawn. "I guess I just stayed in the woods too late last night."

She fidgets. "Did… Umm. Did Gale tell you he took me out a few times while you were gone?" Apparently Gale never got around to telling her that I know all about their activities in the forest. As angry as I still am about the entire situation, Madge should have the opportunity to share her side of the story with me whenever she's ready.

"Yes," I respond, trying to keep my voice as even as possible. "He told me you did very well."

Madge laughs. "I did okay with the snares. Gale's very patient with them. I guess I just never expected his fingers to be so agile…" She purses her lips together tightly, as if she's realized that she said too much.

"Thank you for being such a good friend to him while I was away. I thought about him a lot while I was in…" I stop short. Truth be told, if there were a short list of people I felt comfortable discussing the Games with, Madge would be at the top. But she has too much to lose. Her parents are too entwined in the politics of Panem. And after Haymitch's warning to me after they took me out of the arena, I'm almost certain that I'm being watched. "Well. I thought about him a lot. How he was holding up. I'm glad you were there for him."

She ducks her head and tucks a ringlet behind her ear. "He missed you. He was so scared for you. I think most of the time he spent with me was mostly just to…" Her cheeks flame red and she stumbles over the rest of her words. "I'm so glad you came back. And Peeta. It's… It's a miracle. More than we ever could have expected."

"I knew I couldn't just leave him behind after everything," I say simply. And it's true. Apart from the kissing getting us valuable gifts in the arena, I knew that leaving Peeta wasn't an option, that I'd never be able to forgive myself if I returned the lone victor. Isn't that why I had held out my fistful of berries and suggested we swallow them together? To quell my own guilt?

"Did…" Madge starts but then stops and chews her bottom lip pensively for a moment, like she's trying to work up the courage to say something. "Did you really not know how he felt about you? I mean, you never even suspected, not even after being in school with him for all these years, that he… You know. Wanted you."

I shrug and study my cuticles. "He doesn't want me, Madge. We said what we did to stay alive. You've always been the one for him."

She sighs. "You and I both know that isn't true. He's adored you since we were little, just like he told you in the cave."

"He was delirious," I scoff. "And besides, I've seen the way you two look at each other."

Madge shakes her head and studies her hands in her lap. "You don't have to defend him. I'm not angry with either one of you, Katniss. I let Peeta go a long time ago."

I snort. And before I can stop it, the word tumbles off my tongue. "Clearly."

I know that Madge has caught on to my particular brand of sarcasm when she sucks in a deep breath and twists her hands in her lap. "Would you like me to explain or just apologize?"

I don't want to hear every detail of whatever relationship developed between Gale and Madge during my absence, but I'm beginning to think that maybe it's necessary. So I nod very slowly. "I think for me to understand everything… Yes. I'd like for you to explain."

It starts innocently enough between the two of them. Gale disappears into the woods the night that Peeta and Katniss are taken to the Capitol and no one sees him for almost a week. He must come around though, because his family and the Everdeen women wake up to fresh game every morning and Greasy Sae always has enough meat to make stew.

Madge's father, on the other hand, is growing weary of Gale Hawthorne's absence. "It sends a bad example," he says one morning as she watches him fix his tie around his neck, "because it's almost like he's flaunting his ability to sneak out of the District."

And with Katniss's increasing visibility as the Girl on Fire and Peeta's role in their Star-Crossed Lovers routine, President Snow is keeping a close eye on things in District 12. So Madge decides to act.

The evening the Games start, she waits until her father has barricaded himself in his study with a bottle of brandy before she twists her long hair into a braid and pulls on her winter boots. They're clunky and impractical for trying to sneak up on someone, but she can't very well go traipsing about the woods in the soft-soled flats she wears every day in the summer.

She doesn't know exactly where Gale and Katniss always enter the woods and with the sun setting, she isn't sure it's the greatest idea for her to try her hand at navigating the thick underbrush anyhow. But it's clear that he's been re-entering the district overnight and she's determined to intercept him when he does.

She walks the perimeter of the boundary fence, looking for the hole she knows must exist. Finally, just before midnight, she finds the cut metal and plops down on the ground, resting her back against the pole. Then she studies the sky, wondering if it looks the same in the arena and she's able to take solace in the fact that maybe Peeta's getting the same view of the full moon that she is.

Madge might have been the only person in Twelve who wasn't entirely shocked by Peeta's confession of love on the night of the interviews with Caesar Flickerman. Their parents had always been friendly and although arranged marriages were technically forbidden, the Undersees and Mellarks had always just assumed that their children would marry one day. Peeta would be wonderful in politics, her father always said. He had a natural ability for words and public speaking and he was just kind enough that he would make the best decision for all his constituents.

She and Peeta spent quite a lot of time together, from both their parents' urgings and necessity. Somehow they always seemed to be partnered together for school activities. They'd kissed a few times and there was one night behind the bakery that his hand had snaked under her shirt to massage her small breasts, but she always knew that the majority of his heart belonged to Katniss Everdeen.

The pebble strikes the back of her head with a soft thunk and she turns around just in time to see Gale shimmy through the hole in the fence.

"Didn't think you knew your way out of town."

She shrugs and brushes the dirt from her pants as she stands. "Maybe there's a lot about me you don't know."

He surveys her for a moment. "So what are you doing out here? It's a little dark to be hunting strawberries."

"Actually, I was looking for you."

Gale snorts and crosses his arms over his chest. "Have you come to turn me in?"

"No. But I did come to tell you that you need to be careful. Father says that President Snow is watching the district very carefully. I'd hate it if…" She trails off and fiddles with the end of her braid. A few of the tendrils have started to fall out. She never did have Katniss's knack for braiding.

"If what?" he scoffs. "If something happened to me? Yeah, right." Then, quietly, as an afterthought, he adds, "If it weren't for my family, I'd turn myself in. There's no point anymore. Not with her gone."

Madge swallows thickly. "I know what you mean. Peeta and I… Well. I don't suppose it was any secret that we were seeing each other."

"Must have been hard to hear him confess his love for Katniss then." He glances up at her, gauging her reaction.

"It wasn't really a shock," she says quietly.

He slams a fist into the fence, causing the metal links to vibrate and hum. "I wish I'd told her how I felt before she left."

"Why didn't you?"

He shrugs and shoves his hands in his pockets.

If she really had the time to mull things over, she knows she'd probably find it strange that she and Gale Hawthorne are having this heart-to-heart conversation in the middle of the night when most of their previous conversations had lasted just long enough for him to insult her. She always got the impression that he only tolerated her because Katniss did.

"If you need someone to talk to, someone who kind of understands, I'm here." She isn't sure what makes her say it, but she also can't find it in herself to regret it.

He snorts. "Yeah, thanks."

Humiliation boils in her veins. "Well, I just thought I would let you know…" she says softly and turns to walk back home.

"Undersee!" He calls out to her. And then softer, "Madge."

She expects him to laugh at her or tell her just how unfair it is that she's never had to take out tesserae and that the odds, in the words of Effie Trinket, were "ever in her favor" and how it could have been her that volunteered for Prim. She expects him to tell her any and all of these things that keep her up night after night and probably will for the rest of her life, so she can't help her eyes from rolling as she faces him. But she hasn't even made eye contact with him before he grasps her cheeks firmly in his hands and presses his lips to hers.

They're rough and chapped, in stark contrast to her own, and he tastes like pine needles and wood smoke as he pulls her in deeper. Then he backs away as quickly as he approached her and slips back through the hole.

She waits by the fence until the sun streaks the sky pink. She doesn't see him again, but she finds a basket of strawberries on the back doorstep later that afternoon.

It's a feeling in her gut that directs her back to the hole in the boundary fence, and that's the best way she knows to describe it. Her father's been on a conference call with President Snow and the other district mayors ever since dinner so she's almost positive that he won't notice her sneaking down the creaky stairs and through the back door.

Gale waits for her by the fence this time, but he hasn't crept through the hole and back into District 12. The woods are not a terrible analogy for Gale Hawthorne, she decides as she studies him. Dark, brooding, a little scary and entirely unreachable… Unless, of course, you happen to know exactly how to sneak in.

His lips quirk up into some semblance of a smile when he sees her heading his way. It's a new look for him; in all the years they've gone to the same school, she honestly can't remember ever seeing a smile cross his face when Katniss isn't also present. "How'd you know to meet me?" he says to her in greeting and tosses a strawberry stem at the ground.

She shrugs and stops just short of the fence. "I can take a hint." Because that's exactly what she had interpreted the strawberries as, and his presence here confirms it.

He watches her carefully for a few moments before he beckons to her. "Come on. I want to show you something."

Madge eyes him carefully. "You want me to come into the woods with you?"

He rolls his dark gray eyes and scoffs. "Yes. Don't worry, I'll have you back before Daddy notices."

She stiffens her resolve and straightens her spine. "I doubt he'd even notice if I just didn't come home. But all right. Hold the fence up so I can squeeze through?"

He obliges so she ducks her head and crosses into the forbidden territory of the forest. She keeps up with him the best she can, but the forest floor is uneven and dangerous, even with the feeble light of the full moon shining above them. She plants her foot in a hole and pitches forward, coming dangerously close to the ground. But Gale's reflexes are highly developed and he catches her just in time to set her down gently.

"Can you walk on it?" As soon as she nods her consent, he extends his hand to help her up. "It isn't much further; just up here through this clearing."

Gingerly, she tests her weight on her twisted ankle. It's a little sore, but nothing she can't walk on. She tries in vain to retrieve her hand from his grasp, but he maintains a tight hold on her and she can't say she minds. She's missed Peeta more and more since her kiss with Gale.

He leads her onto a long rock and points out to what must be a huge, rippling lake, only distinguishable because of the pattern the moonlight creates on the lake's surface. "It's better during the day," he says almost sheepishly. "But the lake just stretches on and on."

"I'd love to see it sometime. I'm sure it's beautiful," she responds sincerely.

Her ankle gives an uncomfortable twinge so she sits on the rock and unlaces her boots to check for swelling.

Gale clears his throat. "I could… Umm." He kneels in front of her. "Let me check it." His nimble fingers touch and prod the swollen skin for a moment and he jerks his head toward the water. "You should soak it for a while."

She nods."Couldn't hurt." She moans a little as soon as her bare foot makes contact with the cool surface of the water. Gale settles in beside her and pulls his knees up.

"So you and Mellark… Was that a serious thing?"

It takes a moment for her to consider all her options as far as explaining her relationship with Peeta. She finally decides to be honest. What's the point in lying now? "Not really. Our parents wanted it to be, but…" She twists the end of her loose hair between her fingers. "I always knew he was in love with someone else."

"Katniss," Gale supplies.

"Yeah."

"You miss him?"

She nods. "I just wish there was a way I could forget about them out there… Even if it's just for a minute or two. I can't even sleep without thinking about them in the arena…"

"I may, uhh… I may know a way." He clears his throat and laughs uncomfortably.

"What is it?"

"Nah… Never mind. It's… It's a terrible idea."

"No, I want to know," she presses. "Don't make me push you in the lake."

He snorts. "You couldn't push me in the lake if you wanted to."

"No?" She places her hands on his back and pushes playfully.

He laughs then, a true, deep chuckle that turns his cheeks pink in the low moonlight and she can't help the smile that finds its way onto her lips. He grabs for her hands and holds them tightly, staring into her eyes and she feels herself leaning closer and closer into him.

He captures her mouth quickly and wastes no time tasting her. She groans and relaxes into him, pulling her hands from his so she can twine them into his hair to tug gently. His kiss seems endless and every nerve in her body burns with the heat radiating from her stomach. This is unlike anything she ever experienced with Peeta. Gale pulls away from her far too quickly and cradles her chin in his palm.

"Is this what you were talking about?" she asks breathlessly.

"This and more."

She nods and pulls her feet from the water. "Stand up," she says quietly and tucks her heels under her rear.

"Madge…" He sighs. "That's not… I wasn't trying to get…"

"I know." Gathering every ounce of courage she possesses, Madge trails her hand over his jaw and kisses him firmly. "But I want to forget right now… And I know you do too. Let me help you."

It takes another long bout of kissing and touching, but finally he pushes himself to his feet and allows her to unbutton his fly to free his throbbing erection. She laves her palm with her tongue and palms his length before wrapping her lips around his tip.

She's only done this once before, for Peeta's sixteenth birthday, but she's heard enough of her friends speak of it that she's fairly confident in what she's doing. Mostly, she just lets his moans and sharp intakes of breath guide her. She pays extra attention to the slit because it makes his knees buckle in front of her and she tries to time her hand and lips with the gentle rocking motions of his hips.

"Aww, fuck," he hisses as he grabs her thick hair in his hand and tugs it over behind her left ear. "You might… Oh, shit." His hips quicken against her hands and she sucks her cheeks in even more tightly to encourage him. He worries his bottom lip between his teeth and clenches his eyes tightly closed.

His cry is unintelligible and guttural as the first hot burst of his seed hits the back of her throat, but as she tightens her lips around him to milk the remainder of his climax from him, she can't ignore his strained whispers. "Fuck, Katniss…"

"Katniss."

He tucks himself back into his pants and rebuttons his fly before he walks her back into town and kisses her goodnight on the doorstep.

She cries herself to sleep that night, but she doesn't know if it's because of Gale or Peeta.

The first night Peeta and Katniss spend together in the cave is difficult for both of them. They watch the extended coverage together in the family room of the mayor's house. Gale tightens his hands into fists and uncurls them slowly and the very corners of his jaw flex as he takes in the growing tension between the two tributes.

He kisses her for the first time that evening when Katniss leans in and presses her lips to Peeta's.

At the end of the night, when Peeta has choked down his broth and Katniss has taken up watch, the footage switches to Caesar Flickerman's and Claudius Templesmith's recap of the day's events. Madge's lips are swollen and raw and Gale's hands keep roaming higher and higher on her lap. In a rush of bravery, she backs away from him and slowly starts to unbutton her shirt.

He watches her reverently, his gray eyes taking in every move of her lithe fingers. "You want this?"

She nods and sucks in a deep breath as he pulls the garment from her chest and takes in the sight of her tiny, pert breasts. She'd started forgoing bras when she was around Gale, because he usually made very quick work of them. His hands flatten against her inner thighs and spread them gently.

"Have you ever…?" He breathes against her chest. She shakes her head and he nods. "I'll be careful."

And he is as he undresses her and then strips himself before lying her on her back on the soft, plush couch. He settles himself between her thighs and presses kisses to the freckles across her nose and on top of each eyelid and then finally on her lips. He waits for her breathing against his cheek to even out and for her arms to stop quivering before he reaches between them and guides himself into her.

She gasps in his mouth as her walls stretch to accommodate him and he stops once he's completely sheathed inside her.

"Are you okay?" he asks her and she nods, even though her eyes water from the sharp pain in her groin as he withdraws and plunges back into her. He turns his neck and buries his face in her hair and she bites the inside of her cheeks while he fills her. It's a few moments before the pain begins to subside, but finally it does and she grips his biceps tightly as pleasure begins to build in her stomach.

His breathing and pace increase in tandem and he stretches a hand between them to find the sensitive bundle of nerves just above where they're joined. The added sensation proves to be too much and she thrashes beneath him and moans his name into his mouth.

Gale hisses and pulls himself from her and strokes himself furiously until his balls tighten and he comes all over her stomach. When he recovers from his release, he fishes a sock out of one of his shoes and swipes it over her stomach. "Sorry. I just didn't… You know…"

She nods in understanding. She has a little money set aside from her birthday gift. She could visit the apothecary for a preventative draught tomorrow morning. But that would open an entirely different conversation because when you're the mayor's daughter, that kind of thing would surely incite gossip.

"Shit," he says as he glances at his softening cock. "You bled."

Madge sits up and her cheeks flame immediately. Sure enough, there's a walnut-sized blood stain on the beige-colored fabric of the couch and she immediately starts to manufacture a story for her father should he notice. Then again, he hardly ever spends time in the family room anymore. She uses the already ruined sock in her hand to soak as much blood from the fabric as possible and then just decides to flip the cushion until she has time to scrub at it.

It becomes a coping mechanism for both of them. As the Games progress and Katniss and Peeta grow closer and closer to either winning or dying in a spectacular final showdown, his visits to her house become more frequent and their trips into the woods grow lengthier.

They miss Foxface's death because he's teaching her how to swim in the lake.

They miss the battle with the mutts because his mouth between her thighs has driven all other thoughts out of her head.

But they're both acutely aware when Katniss holds out her handful of poisonous berries and suggests they swallow them together. Madge starts to cry and Gale balls his hands into fists as they watch their two best friends prepare to end their lives. But then Claudius Templesmith says they're both winners and Madge cries ever harder because they're both coming home to District 12.

Gale doesn't kiss her goodbye before he stands and stomps off to the woods. It's hours before she realizes how complicated this makes everything.

It doesn't surprise me that Gale has chosen to spend his only day off from the mines in the woods. So on Sunday afternoon, after I've had plenty of time to digest all of Madge's story, I duck under the hole in the boundary fence and seek him out. I find him fiddling with one of his snares in the part of the thicket known for deer.

"I thought I might find you here," I say quietly as I approach him.

He jerks his head up and narrows his eyes when he sees me. "Still need to make sure Ma and the kids eat."

"You know you don't have to hunt to put food on the table anymore." But in Gale's head, he'll only ever have just himself to depend on. I'll never be able to get him to accept any of my winnings from the Games. "You're always welcome for dinner at our house."

He scoffs. "Honestly, Katniss, I don't want anything that comes courtesy of the Capitol. Not after everything they've cost me."

I exhale sharply. I know Gale's never been a fan of Panem politics and sure, everyone has suffered—to some extent—because of the government's tight hold on us, but is he seriously suggesting that he's lost more than I have because of President Snow's cruelty?

"Everything they've cost you?" I ask incredulously, still not convinced I heard him correctly. "Really?"

His dark eyes flash dangerously. "You should know as well as anyone that no one ever really wins anything from them. You lost more, I'm not saying any different, but we all lost something these last Games. Some just more than others."

"Peeta lost a leg. We both killed people."

"You kill animals all the time, Katniss." He rolls his eyes. "It's called survival."

"It's called murder," I retort acidly. "I killed people. I pretended to be in love with a boy I barely knew so I could come back for my family and for you."

He shakes his head. "I'm not going to apologize for how I handled losing you, so if that's what you came here for—"

"I don't want an apology! I just want things to be normal again, like they were before!" I realize that our screaming is scaring off any potential game, so I take in a deep breath to calm myself before I continue. "So, no, I don't expect you to apologize for what you did. But I also don't think you should blame me. Why can't we just go back?"

He puts his hands on his hips and chews on his lip. "I wish things could be the same, too. But you're different. I'm different. Madge and Peeta are different. Maybe all we can do is accept that and move on. Salvage whatever we can from there."

I nod and study my feet. The idea of moving on hurts, of course, because I'm losing my best friend, the one person I thought would always be there for me no matter what. But he's right. We have changed. And I'm beginning to see that there are some things I've experienced that Gale will never understand.

"Can I just…" I sigh. "Can I ask you one thing?"

"Yeah, of course."

"Did it work?" I can tell that he finds it an odd question by the way he cocks his head to the side and narrows his eyes at me. "Madge said it started because… Because you two wanted to forget about Peeta and me, so… I guess I'm just curious if it worked."

He stares at the ground, apparently deep in thought for a moment. "I didn't really think it would. But eventually… Yeah, it did. At least, in that way."

"Good," I reply simply. And without another word I turn and walk back to town.

I lie awake for hours that night, turning Gale's words over and over in my head. Finally, a little after midnight, I go to my open window and gaze out across the street to Peeta's house. Light still spills from his bedroom window and I find myself suddenly very curious to see what he's up to so late. I slide my feet into a pair of slippers and creep down the stairs, out the front door, and across the street. The wind picks up just as I raise my fist and knock a few times. From the looks of the roiling clouds, we may get a storm this evening.

It takes a moment but finally the door swings open and Peeta's eyes go wide when he sees me. "Katniss," he stammers. "Hi. Umm. Do you want…" He takes a step back and waves me inside. Unsurprisingly, his house is laid out just like mine and Haymitch's. What's different, however, is the lack of warmth. It suddenly hits me that I never realized that his family chose to stay in the bakery rather than move to the much larger house in Victor's Village. Now that I think of it, I've never even seen the Mellarks visit their son in his new home.

"Your light was on…" I offer feebly. "I couldn't sleep, so I thought…"

"Yeah," he breathes. "I'm glad you came. I was painting. Sometimes I lose track of time."

"Painting?" He must have chosen it as his talent. I knew he was talented with frosting and camouflage, that much was apparent after the Games, so I can only imagine what he can do with proper supplies.

His cheeks tinge pink and he motions toward the stairs. "Do you… want to see?"

I nod and smile at him as he leads me up the staircase. He's using the master bedroom as his own, just like me. I'd originally insisted that my mother make it hers, but she refused, saying that I'd won the right to sleep in it. The bedroom Prim uses at my house, the one with the most windows, has transformed into Peeta's art studio. Drop cloths cover the floor and he has various easels set up around the room.

"The light's the best in here," he explains, "because of all the windows."

I study the paintings one by one. "Peeta…" I struggle to breathe. Because he's painted the Games.

Peeta studies his bare toes, the metal of his prosthetic glinting in the light of the ceiling fixture. "Helps keep the nightmares away."

"I get them, too, " I say reverently as I run my fingers down a painting of tiny Rue covered in all those white flowers just moments after I sang her to her death. I move to the next easel before my brain gets ahead of me and I start to dwell too much on things I can't change.

"That one's not—" He tries to duck in front of me, but I catch just enough to realize what's on the canvas. It's us, curled up tightly next to one another in the cave.

I turn to face him but he's rubbing the back of his neck idly, diverting his gaze around the room to anything but me. I take a tentative step toward him, closing what little distance was between us, and stroke his cheek with the back of my hand. Then I lower my mouth to his and slowly, slowly sink into the peace I've come to associate with Peeta.

It's the first time we've kissed when there are no cameras around to catch it and I'm immediately surprised by how different it feels. It's deeper, stronger, more passionate, and he tugs on my braid lightly, as if to pull me closer to him. Gale's words from earlier still reverberate in my mind and I start to wonder if his coping mechanism will work for me as well. Summoning all the courage I possess, I track my hands down Peeta's torso and land them on the band of his pajama pants. He pushes me away as I try to slip my fingers inside.

"Katniss…" He sighs. "What are you doing?"

"I want you, " I say simply. "Don't you want me?"

"Of course," he mutters, once again removing my hands from his waistband. "But not like this. You've barely said two words to me since the Games. Can't we just… I don't know. Slow things down?"

I stare at him quizzically, waiting for the elaboration I need.

"You know. Can't we be friends first?"

I nod. "You're right. I'm sorry."

Thunder booms outside the window and we both startle. I suppose we're both still a little jumpy at any sound that vaguely resembles a canon.

Peeta rushes to the open window and pulls it tightly closed. Then he whistles. "It's really coming down out there."

"Of course," I groan. "I'll get soaked on my way home."

"You could stay here," he offers. "I have plenty of room for you."

"Thanks, Peeta." My lips curve upwards into a genuine smile. Maybe I'm better at the being friends thing than I give myself credit for.

Later that night, when I wake from blood-stained dreams, Peeta's in my bed to comfort me.

The next night, he stays until I fall asleep and then returns when the nightmares come.

The night after that, I go to bed with him and he kisses away the visions of Glimmer's disfigured corpse.

He finally lets me touch him and his fingers find my core again and again on the train the night after the man is killed in District 11.

We make love for the first time following the celebration of our public engagement at President Snow's mansion.

Gale's right; losing yourself in another person is a fantastic coping mechanism.

It doesn't start to mean something until the days leading up to the Quarter Quell announcement. I keep stealing glances at him one night as he traces invisible patterns on my bare arms. It doesn't take too long for him to notice. Before long, he smiles at me.

"What are you looking at?"

"Your eyelashes," I answer honestly and prop my head on my hand so that I can study him more closely. "I never realized how long they are."

He laughs and shakes his head. "They're just eyelashes." Then he kisses me soundly and takes me beneath him and after, we sleep curled up as one.

Neither one of us has nightmares.

I visit Gale the night before the Reaping for the Quell and I'm not surprised to see that Madge is keeping him company. It's good; I wanted to speak to her anyway.

He pulls me to him tightly. "You were right; we should have gone when you said."

I shake my head. "I've told you—it wouldn't have mattered. All that matters now is Peeta."

"You have to come back, Katniss."

"No," I say firmly. "No, Peeta has to win this time. I'm the one who started this whole mess but he's the only one who can finish it." I grasp both Gale's and Madge's hands in mine. "It may be too much to ask, but... Please promise me that you'll take care of him when he comes back. No matter what happens to me, just... Make sure he's cared for?"

"Of course." Madge embraces me tightly for a moment but then, as my tears start to fall on her thin blouse, she backs away from me. "You really love him now, don't you?"

I could deny it, but why bother when I'll be sent to my death in just a few hours? "Yes. Just as much as the two of you really love each other."

Neither Peeta nor I sleep much that night. We spend the night wrapped in each other's arms, dreading the moment when the sun will inevitably rise and ruin everything we could have had.

Gale's dark eyes are the first thing I find when I wake. It would be hard to miss them, really. Everything else in this room is so bright. "Gale…"

"Hey, Catnip," he says quietly.

"Katniss, there is no District Twelve…" What Gale told me earlier still resonates painfully and I'm having a hard time remembering the events of the last few hours… Days? Who can tell.

Peeta! My world grinds to a stop as I remember the conversation Haymitch and I had on the Hovercraft on the way to District Thirteen. How Peeta is currently in the hands of the Capitol, is possibly dead, and all because of me and a stupid handful of berries.

I sob openly, clinging to Gale because he's there and wishing desperately for the morphling to kick in again so I can exist in the sweet, painless world of unconsciousness for a little while longer. But maybe it's better to stay awake. That way I won't have to keep reliving this pain every time I wake. But my eyelids grow heavy again soon and I slip back into black.

Madge is by my bed when I wake the next time. She brushes back a piece of hair and smiles at me. Her face is burned like Gale's.

"We're glad to have you back with us, Katniss."

"How did you…" I could be making it up, but I think I remember Gale saying the mayor's house took a direct hit from one of the planes.

"I was with Gale when the bombs fell," she explains. "I guess I got lucky. Most of the people in town didn't have a chance."

"Peeta's family," I say quickly, trying to push myself up. "The Mellarks. Did they—"

She turns her blue eyes downward and shakes her head. "No. The bakery was one of the first buildings hit. Flattened it instantly."

My stomach sinks and I know there's no way I can make up this debt I now owe to everyone who lost someone in District 12. All because a stupid girl couldn't part with the man she loved—loves—the most.

Gale pulls me aside as soon as it's decided that the mission to rescue Peeta, Johanna, and Annie will leave Thirteen tomorrow morning. "I have a favor to ask," he murmurs as he tugs me by the hand into a storage closet. He pulls the door closed behind us and watches my face carefully. "Madge is pregnant. We want to have a toasting tonight. We'll get married legally when I get back. But... We talked about it… And we'd like it if you were there to witness it."

I nod, still a little in shock of how quickly this is unfolding. "Yes, of course. That's so wonderful, Gale." I have to force the smile I flash him. Not because I'm jealous and not because I don't wish them all the happiness in the world because I am truly, genuinely happy for the both of them. Gale always said he'd consider having children if he didn't live in District 12 and Madge always seemed so motherly when she interacted with the younger children at school and around town. I reach forward and grasp Gale around the waist, pulling him tightly to me. It feels like so long ago that I thought I could be in love with him, my best friend who wanted so many different things than I did. I'm so glad he found Madge, who is willing to give him all the things I wasn't.

I arrive at Madge's unit at the agreed-upon time and watch as my two friends hold a piece of bread over the flame and then feed it to one another. In their vows, they speak of growing together through turmoil and learning to love one another when there wasn't much of a future to look forward to. The finish their bread and then kiss one another so deeply that I have to turn away.

I smile so widely the entire time that my cheeks will probably be sore and I hate myself for it. It's not that I'm angry with my two best friends for finally finding the happiness they deserve in life and it's not because I'm jealous that Gale ended up with someone who isn't me. It's because I will never get to have that with Peeta. If he's even still alive, why should he forgive me for letting them leave him in the Capitol for so long? Will he think the entire thing was made up? Will he remember the heated kiss we shared in the last moment we were truly alone?

Gale pulls me to him in a tight embrace and then whispers, "I'll bring him back to you. If he is alive, then I will bring him back to you."

I nod as the first tear falls. "Thank you."

Finnick and Madge stand next to me the next morning as we watch the rescue squad board the hovercraft that will transport them to the Capitol. She folds her hands protectively over her abdomen and smiles whenever she glances down at it.

And in that moment, watching her, I know that despite of all the horrific things I've caused by holding out that handful of berries, a few good things have come from it as well. And even though I wasn't made to live out the remainder of my days with anyone, at least I've gotten to experience the greatest form of love through two of my best friends. Out of the corner of my eye, I notice Finnick watching Madge with a wistful expression of his own. As our eyes meet, it's almost as if we're having the same thought - will the future hold the same possibilities for us with Peeta and Annie?

We have strawberries with dinner that night. I try to interpret that as a good sign.

A special thank you to chelzie and BaronessKika for fantastic betaing.