Disclaimer: Paramount, unfortunately, owns everything!

AN: Yes, another post Endgame story. I have included a lot of the events from Isabo's Shirt by Kirsten Beyer in here so it might help if you have read Distant Shores, however it's not imperative! As it evolves, I may use some of the events in the newer books as well - just a warning! I hope you enjoy and apologies for any mistakes!

Feedback good and constructive is always welcome - it helps tickle my muse :)

"Once again, Captain - welcome home." Admiral Paris's smile said almost more than his words and Kathryn returned the smile just as warmly and nodded before the Starfleet insignia on her view screen replaced his face. Her smile faltered and she let out a long breath as she eased further into the chair she sat in.

Home. They did it. She was finally bringing Voyager home. With a little help from Admiral Janeway they had stuck it to the Borg Queen and blasted into the Alpha Quadrant just hours ago. They were currently one week out - destination, Earth. She allowed a small smile as she thought on that, and back to that moment when they had erupted from the exploding Borg Sphere finding themselves in the Alpha Quadrant, an armada of Starfleet vessels peppered on the view screen.

She remembered the swell in her stomach as it pushed up inside her, burning in her throat - she had wanted to cry with relief, with joy, with absolute pure celebration. But she pushed it back as she thought of the Admiral, and was overwhelmed with sorrow and appreciation. The Admiral had done it, she had made this happen. She was responsible for the burden that seemed to slide off Kathryn in those moments as her head dipped, her shoulders fell and her spirit let go of the years of doubt, self hatred, guilt and recrimination that she bound herself to daily in the Delta Quadrant. The Admiral had done that. And her crew. It felt wonderful.

And horrible.

After the joy came, and the burden went, Kathryn soon became aware of something much, much worse in its wake. Emptiness. It was the only way she could describe what she felt in that moment. She had then made an announcement and a heartfelt thanks to the entire crew and immediately left the bridge in Chakotay's hands to start preparations on the report to Admiral Paris. At least, that's what she had said to Chakotay. But when she entered the safety of her sanctuary an icy chill began to shake her and the emptiness crept deeply and darkly inside, gnawing at her very soul and she found her world frozen. She spent hours trying to chase it away, by report writing, shooting communiqués all over Voyager and to Admiral Paris. It was almost starting to work. Until he had appeared.

"Come in," she called absently as she stared at a message from Admiral Paris and tried to read the first sentence for the third time, unable to concentrate.

Soft footfalls slowly approaching brought her eyes up to see Chakotay. He was beaming at her. As soon as she looked at him the icy fingers from earlier returned with a fierceness that made her flinch so much, that she bolted up out of her seat in a desperate effort to hide her discomfort.

"I came to see if you would like a celebratory drink," he explained, still smiling, and for now, seemingly unaware of her despair. She was moving now, and smiled softly with a nod, not daring to look at him as she made for the replicator. She needed something to still her hands, something to distract her, and him.

She could sense him turning to observe her and out of the corner of her eye she noticed he was pulling something from behind his back.

"No need," he said, sensing her target and she glanced over to see him swinging a bottle of champagne in front of his chest. She sighed as she took in the grin that consumed his face, the dimples that she loved to see and the way his eyes were dancing happily. He looked overjoyed. And then suddenly, his hand was lowering the bottle, the dimples were gone and…

"What's wrong?" He was moving towards her but she was also moving - away from him. She had let him see it, transfixed as she was with the happiness he radiated, that she was momentarily much too distracted to hide the black hole that was growing within her.

"Nothing." She smiled but she could tell he wasn't convinced.

"Captain," his tone conveyed disbelief and concern. She waved a hand at him as she now sat down on the sofa.

"Its just a little overwhelming is all," she explained, watching him sit beside her, placing the champagne on the small table in front of them.

"Of course," he replied. "But you look like someone stole your puppy…" he began, as he rested a hand on top of hers, which were wringing on her knee. "Not like you just kicked the Borg's ass, and got your crew back home." He flashed that smile again and she smiled in return.

No, not my puppy.

She took a deep breath, fixing her eyes on his hand, now squeezing and stilling her worrying fingers, and wondered if she launched up again - how she could possibly explain her jumpy behaviour.

I drank too much coffee…

I can't bare you to touch me…

I don't feel anything…

I can't…

"You're right," she exclaimed, grinning and pulling her hands from his, she got up as slowly as she could control. "Let's have that drink!" She put on her best Captain's mask and made for the replicator to get glasses, noticing he had neglected to bring some. As she returned and he poured, the silence had her frightened that he wasn't going to give up that easily – he never did when he thought something was bothering her. He was like a dog with a bone. And she was certain that right now, she was possibly doing worse than ever before to hide her pain.

Then the glass was in her hand and his eyes were looking at her expectantly, but with mirth.

Or maybe the dog had found a new bone…

She immediately chided herself for that thought as it brought with it a fresh wave of agony and she swallowed at the bile that rose in response.

"To Voyager," she toasted.

"To family," he said, smiling and raising his glass.

Tuvok had interrupted them then and she had never been so glad to get out of her ready room or away from Chakotay in her life. After dealing with Tuvok's request to oversee his latest report and check several issues that arose from their battle with the Borg she made her excuses again but this time, retreated to somewhere she hoped would discourage as little disturbance as possible: her quarters. This was where she now sat many hours later, reports finished, Admiral Paris briefed and speeding towards Earth.

Alone with the darkness again. Her stomach flipped once again and she moved for her coffee cup in the hopes of warring against the constriction in her throat with the bitter liquid - only to find it empty. She pinched the bridge of her nose instead, allowing her other hand to grasp the edge of the desk she sat at for further composure.

In all her years out there, she had always imagined that the day she would reach the Alpha Quadrant would be one of the most uplifting, exultant days of her life, and yet so far it was petitioning for one of the worst.

She was happy for her crew, she truly was. And she was grateful to have been able to at least shorten the price they had to pay for her decision seven years ago. After meeting and observing Admiral Janeway she was more convinced than ever that sooner was always better than later. The woman had grief and pain etched into her very being, in every glance, in every touch, in every bark.

But somewhere along the journey, she had also wanted this for herself too. She had imagined fireworks, family, real coffee, fresh air, the ocean, old friends and new opportunities. And most of all, new opportunities with old friends.

A few years ago she had given Chakotay a birthday present that ended up causing not only one of the most embarrassing moments she experienced in the seven years they spent together, but also one of the most hopeful. Even years before, she had been aware of the deep attraction and growing love that she felt for her first officer, but the gift had spilled everything out into the open, including their feelings. And so they had been forced to deal with something they had tiptoed around, flirted over, and smothered in fleeting touches and angry warrior stories.

And that kiss. She had marveled for days afterwards on how she had managed to break that kiss. It had been amazing, erupting strings of emotions within her that danced and sang and permeated parts of her with feelings that she had never felt before. But she had broken it - she had to. And even after they resolved the situation, she knew she was forever changed by that kiss. That kiss made her want to get home for herself, for him and certainly, as fast as possible - so she could do it again, and again. And if his assumption of her willingness to enter into 'an exclusive loving relationship' was anything to go by, she intended to do it everyday henceforth, for the rest of her life.

She blinked back tears as she thought back on that night, and to a moment where she was also distraught as she tried to explain to him why they couldn't explore what was clearly between them.

"The way you make me feel… the things that move in me when I let myself imagine everything we could have… it isn't a safe love… a love I can control. It's the other kind. It's what I had with Justin, I lost that once. It wasn't my fault, and it still almost destroyed me. That's what I'd be risking, for a soft place to rest my head at night. So you tell me. You think it's worth the risk while I'm trying to get this ship home?

"I'm not saying never… I'm saying not now… not until I'm no longer responsible for your life."

Then he had told her another legend. She had fallen irrevocably in love with him after the first legend he had spun to her, and had been assured they would one day be able to explore that love together with the second one.

Ironic that their romance would begin and end with his legends. It began on a distant planet in another quadrant and it had ended that day in the holographic Venice. Because she had to wait… and he didn't.

And more importantly, he hadn't.

She had lost him. A sticky, heavy wave of grief descended upon her and the hand that had been gripping her desk now glided timidly to falter over the small drawer to her right. She opened it with trepidation and sadly laid her eyes on some of the birthday gifts he had given her… and one that she had given him.

The Bonding Box.

Or rather, the one she had given to him, he had changed and given back to her, requesting that she present it to him again when they got home. She let her fingertips graze over the symbols on the surface of the box. The symbols she had used originally had been the crux of the whole misunderstanding. She had intended them to mean loyalty, dedication, kindredness and life long friendship but he interpreted them as a commitment to love. Romantic, everlasting love.

She gently lifted it into her hands and cast her mind back to the day he had given it back to her and how she had questioned why he had changed the markings on it.

"So this symbol… it's another word for love?" she asked him, examining the box in confusion.

"Actually, it means 'hope.'"

Hope was what had rallied her, in a moment of madness, to change those symbols back recently. She had done it once before - the night before they were to try the slipstream drive, but when that had failed miserably she had replaced the hope symbols. She should have learned from that experience. But when the Admiral dropped the prospect of going home on her doorstep a week ago, she had gone and done it again. She carved hope back into love in the hope that she would soon get the chance to give it back to Chakotay.

A hope that was now dead, shriveled up like the remnants of her heart. Obviously he had lost hope, in her, in them, in her ability to get them home.

And she hated him for it.

The hand that was gripping the box tightened as her anger and grief poured waves of anguish into her heart and it broke over and over again as she continued to grapple with the fact that not only did he no longer love her, but also that he was now in love with someone else.

Damn him!

Damn her!

And damn this box!

Her anguish shook mercilessly through her body and into her arm, the force of it erupting as she propelled the box with all her might across the room and screamed, "Damn you!"

As soon as the box was airborne she immediately regretted her actions. Not because she had most likely destroyed the box and put a dent in a wall, but because it had just narrowly missed her chief engineer, husband and child who stood in shock at the jaws of the doors to her quarters, the box shaking to a rest in the corridor behind them.

For a stunned silence, no one said anything; they just stared at each other. Then the small bundle in B'Elanna's arms gave a soft wail and their attention went immediately to her. Kathryn chose this moment to contain her abject horror at almost striking a newborn with a wooden box and launched herself out from behind her desk as she quickly and frantically enquired while advancing on them, "Are you ok? Is anyone hurt?"

Tom and B'Elanna looked at her in shock and then shared a look that wondered if their captain was ok.

"We're fine," Tom recovered first as Kathryn now stood before them, bending to see the child for assurance. B'Elanna nodded her agreement when her captain looked to her for confirmation.

"We just got released from Sickbay and thought you might want a visit from your namesake," B'Elanna offered the reason they had come. Kathryn relaxed visibly and seemed to shrink several inches instantly.

"I'm sorry," she apologised. Then instantly she smiled as something occurred to her and she looked up to them. "Namesake?"

Tom grinned at her and said, "Captain Janeway, Meet Miral Kathryn Paris," he beamed, his attention once again dominated by the amazing miracle B'Elanna held in her arms.

Kathryn smiled so widely she almost forgot her pain. This little bundle of joy was named after her – and she was so touched by the gesture and so emotionally raw she wasn't quick enough to stay the tears in her eyes.

"Thank you," she whispered, bowing her head to hide her face and to steal another glance at the now squirming baby. "She's precious."

Over her bowed head Tom and B'Elanna shared another look where they had a silent conversation.

I'll take the baby, you talk to her.
Looks like a girl thing.
Tom…
I can't handle crying women.
Chicken!

"Well, I better get Miral to Harry before he calls again," Tom started with his excuse as their captain straightened again and he negotiated the baby from B'ELanna's arms.

"Again, I'm sorry-"

"I'm sure B'Elanna has all the charm she needs to wheedle our request out of you," Tom interrupted her with a wink and her mouth closed in surprise. Before she could open it again he was out the door and they swished shut behind him.

"Request?" she wondered aloud, looking expectantly at B'Elanna.

B'Elanna nodded and said, "We were hoping you would consent to being Godmother."

Kathryn's face melted into a warm and genuine smile. "I'd be honoured," she said, tears coming again.

B'Elanna realized this was another opening – but how was she going to start this conversation?

So, whom were you trying to injure and damn to hell with that box?

Why are you crying?

Something in your eye?

She was given a momentary reprieve when the door opened again and Tom reappeared, with the box in his hand.

"Ah…" he began as he held it out for B'Elanna.

"Thanks." She said curtly and with a nod he and Miral were gone again. B'Elanna returned her attention to the captain who was now staring aghast at the box in B'Elanna's hand. It made the half Klingon woman frown and she also found herself studying the box, which seemed only slightly damaged from its recent flight test failure.

"Are you ok?" B'Elanna asked quickly, biting back the urge to add 'Captain', thinking it best to keep rank out of this. Whatever was going on with the captain right now seemed personal.

Kathryn nodded, unable to actually voice the lie. She tore her eyes away from the box and raked her hands over her face, embarrassed at the wetness she found there. She turned her back to B'Elanna and started towards her window.

"You don't seem ok," B'Elanna stated flatly, glancing back down to the box, whose mere presence served to back her up. Given that the captain had her back to her, she offered the box a longer study and found herself frowning at the symbols, noting they seemed… familiar.

Her captain only shrugged and whispered, "Today has been…"

"Emotional?" She noticed the captain nod. B'Elanna wished she could offer more comfort, but to be honest, she was at a loss as to why the captain was acting this way. She should be bouncing off the walls with happiness at getting her crew home, not bouncing things off the walls in anger.

So why are you so angry?

Instead she asked, "Would you like to talk about it?"

Kathryn almost snorted, and was glad B'Elanna could not see her face. Clearly her chief engineer was uncomfortable. One did not just ask one's captain if they wanted to talk about why she had almost blasted them with a wooden box moments ago, screaming in a fit of insanity. At least not on her ship. No, should that question need to be asked, it would only ever find voice in the one individual who knew her the best, the one who kept her sane, and safe. And that was definitely not going to happen – not anymore.

"I'm fine, B'Elanna," she countered, taking a deep breath, plastering a smile on her face and turning to B'Elanna for effect. "Really."

B'Elanna knew a dismissal when she saw one, and she was probably lucky to get a smile on the tail of this one, so she took it. Mostly because she wasn't the person the captain ever confided personally in, but also because she was momentarily panicked that she would and that B'Elanna would not have any soft words of reassurance or comfort to give her. And unthinkably… that she would fail miserably. B'Elanna hadn't had years like Chakotay to get to know the captain personally, to know how to fix her problems and cheer her up.

So with a nod of her head, she favoured the box with one last glance, as she placed it down and as she turned to leave, she thought sadly, I wish I did.

AN: Like it, hate it? I'd be honoured to know!