Life is a never-ending challenge about feelings, about how you live them…Sometimes obvious things are right in front of you and you just can't see them…
Dean couldn't either…but Sam was here…
Thanks to my beta, Kiki
« Angels are not built to be loved »
« If someone is opposed to this union, speak now or forever hold your peace… »
He was observing the scene from the back of the church, hidden by the shadow of a column…Hidden from everyone, hidden from God.
He should've scream « I am…I have something to say !… » trying the impossible, just one last time…
But he told him already, and the man he loved rejected him….The man he loved would never love him back…
He hurt so much he couldn't breathe anymore…It was the worst pain ever…Even worse than losing his grace…Worse than Heaven torture…
Why did he come ?
To hear the final judgment ? To be sure there was no hope left though he knew there never was ?
He saw him going to her and reach for her hand, he looked so happy…Wasn't it what he's always asked for ? His happiness…
They turned to face the priest….He wasn't hearing anything… Silence was painful, his heart was aching so much….
He saw Ben stepping forward to give rings…
He heard a « I do » from Lisa….
He couldn't take it anymore…He stepped out of the church, opening the door way too violently.
Dean turned and saw him run, the door closing on him….
« Mister Winchester ? » Father said…
He looked at Sam standing on his right…His brother knew…He searched for an answer in his eyes…
He felt Lisa squeezing his hand so he looked at him. She was so beautiful in her white gown…He loved her…
He smiled at Ben standing at his side too….The one he considered as his own son…
Then he turned to face the priest again.
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Castiel lost his grace…From his own choice…When Heaven's gate closed he chose to stay with humans, with his friends, with Dean…
It was hopeless but he'd rather stay here than live without him….
He had followed the Winchesters everywhere, and when they stopped hunting, they built a life in Wyoming.
Then life goes on…Castiel was learning everyday how to live like a human being while staying faithful to the angel he still was deep inside him, and would always be.
He was still wearing his trenchcoat even if he gave the suit up.
He wasn't wearing it every day but he sometimes needed to feel it on his shoulders.
Because when he did, Dean's eyes sparkled… That tiny sparkle which hold all of Castiel's hopes.
And then one day, She came back and his world crashed…
Lisa, with Ben…He even looked at heaven and cursed his father for this.
« Your vengeance for my disobedience »
Or was it fate?…Maybe, but Castiel doubted it….
She just had to look at him once for Dean to fall for her again…
Pain and jealousy was eating him more each day but he said nothing, holding his words inside, dealing with silence as he always does. He had to share meals with them, live happy around them. Even when they were not here, Dean was talking only about them…Always them.
Not them.
Castiel was lost in his thoughts. Dean was so happy he didn't see anything, but Sam knew…
Dean would realize that day though. After Castiel lost the love of his life just with an "Yes".
After, he showed his pain and anger.
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Castiel and Sam were sitting at the kitchen table, eating and talking about boring things, when Dean entered the room yelling :
« Guys are you here ? »
Castiel didn't like that tone…He leaned in his chair pushing his plate…Sam suddenly felt a heavy atmosphere growing…
He knew what would come.
« I have big news….I wanted you to be the firsts to know. »
Sam smiled at him.
« You're getting a new car ? »
« Are you insane ? » Dean asked, shocked.
« No ! » then he smiled.
« I proposed to Lisa and she said….YES. » He declared with a happy face.
Sam didn't know how to react…He actually feared Castiel's reaction…He saw him turning pale.
But then he stood. It was Dean. It was his brother's happiness…
« Congratulations bro…you have no idea how happy I am. »
He hugged him, patting his back and then Dean turned to Castiel.
« What about you ?… Aren't you happy for me Cas ? »
He saw a tear dropping down his face…Castiel stood up and left the kitchen without a word nor a look back.
Dean turned to his brother.
« What the hell ? »
« Dean…sit down…we need to talk. »
« Freaking angel why does he always have to ruin everything! »
« Dean » Sam said louder…
He sat down reluctantly.
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He was wandering… He was feeling only pain…He was suffocating…He sat down on a public bench and felt this strange pain extending…
He started to cry and couldn't stop it…Arms on his knees, head in his hands…He was crying for the first time…
Dean…
He had waited all night and now started to worry…Sam left him in the living room and went to sleep…They had to deal with it on their own anyway…He just did what it had to be done… He couldn't help anymore… or so little.
Castiel went back home at 5 am…Dean heard him throwing the keys on the hall table…He went to meet him….
Castiel jumped, he thought he was sleeping at that time of the night…Their eyes met.
Dean felt his heart stop when he saw his friend's reddened eyes. …He didn't know what to do… or say.
God damn heavy silence !
He came closer...
«We need to talk Cas. »
« I don't want to talk Dean …Not now. » He answered, stepping aside.
« Not ever » He whispered.
Dean held him back by his shoulder…Castiel closed his eyes, hoping he would never get his hand off him.
Dean forced him to face him.
« Please Dean…Let me go. » he said with a broken voice and tears in his eyes.
« So Sam was right ? » Dean looked surprised. What was so obvious for everyone was a complete mystery for him.
When did that happen ? How come he never realized it ?
« Dean… please»
He pushed his arm away and let go of his hand.
Then he walked away…
«I'm sorry Cas…I didn't know…I swear I had no idea. »
« It wouldn't have changed anything …Would you have loved me back ? No…so nevermind.»
Castiel was right… Knowing it would've been a threat to their friendship as it is now…He knew Castiel and him shared a special bond…Their friendship was uncommon, he couldn't deny…
He even needed his presence…He needed to feel him by his side, just knowing he was here, but he never saw any love in all of this…For him it was just the consequence of their angel/human status….their guardian/guarded relationship…their friendship…
How did he not understand ? Castiel always ignored his human feelings. He never saw it the way it was then.
« No. » he finally said.
« I love you Cas, but not the way you would like me to. »
« It used to be enough… » he sadly smiled.
« Until tonight. » he whispered.
« I'm going to leave, Dean….I can't stay here anymore…It's been 8 years…8 years hiding it because I was scared you would kick me out forever. »
He sat on the first steps of the stairs.
« Now I can't hide it anymore and you're going to marry her. » He looked at him hopelessly.
« I lost everything, even the hope you could love me back one day»
« Cas… » was the only thing he could pronounce seeing his friend's pain…
« Stop it ! Stop the patronizing tone !...I won't break ! » he screamed standing up .
« I'm flesh and blood now did you forget ?… That flesh I chose for you !» he pointed at his own chest, still screaming.
« That blood I've shed for you ! and I would've done it again…Because I love you to death and it's been years it's eating me and you don't see a damn thing !»
« Cas… » Dean stepped forward.
« Stay away from me…» he was crying now, and Dean lost it seeing this.
« I love you so much…How could you do this to me, Dean ?…Why ? »
« I didn't know….I swear, Cas…I would never give you false hopes… »
« It would've killed me… » Castiel answered.
Silence took his place again…Castiel wiped his tears but more went down.
Dean looked at him for a while…He had messy hair, those lips, those eyes so blue…He asked himself what he was really feeling for him.
He couldn't let him go, he was sure about that…But he couldn't imagine loving him back either, not like that…
He didn't notice he was still staring at him, lost in his thoughts, and Castiel translated that as a chance…
The second after, Dean felt the angel lips on his own, his tongue playing with his lips…
He was surprised to not fighting it…He was just staying here, not reacting.
Castiel took his face in his hands and pushed his tongue deeper…Dean leaned his hands on his biceps to push him back but he felt a strange heat growing and kissed him back.
He was kissing a man…He was kissing an angel… He was kissing Castiel.
And then he suddenly stepped back, rejecting him…And he cleaned his wet lips with his hand.
« I want you to leave this house right now. » He said in a deep voice.
« Dean…Don't do that. » he begged.
« GET OUT ! » he yelled.
Castiel jumped.
« I gave everything to you… everything» His expression hardened…
« I rebelled for you…I killed for you…I lied for you…I even became a demon you hunted…I did all of this for you. »
« I've never asked for it» Dean answered.
« You would be dead without me… »
« At least I wouldn't have to listen to this. »
Castiel felt like he was stabbed…
« You never had any feelings for me, Dean ? » he sounded so desperate Dean had to step back.
« Friendship is all I ever had for you, Cas. »
He smiled, and Dean suddenly remembered the future Castiel…The broken Castiel.
« I had the feeling you didn't dislike it that much… » he said remembering the kiss.
« Cas… » Dean grunted.
« All I needed was centuries of existence and one single heaven lesson to understand my mistake… »
Dean frowned.
« Angels are not built to be loved. »
He turned and climbed the stairs.
« I will be gone tomorrow. »
« Cas…No… »
Dean almost begged, his hand on the rail.
« Stay…Don't go. »
« Be happy, Dean…it always was my deepest wish actually, your happiness…I just hoped you could find it with me…It seems like my journey is not over…»
Dean saw Castiel disappear in the first floor.
« Cas ! » Dean yelled desperate.
And then a door slammed…He realized he just lost the person he cared about the most beside his brother, and he didn't even tell him.
He looked up and saw Sam…He felt like he just wanted to scream…
He went outside, sat on the porch…and touched his lips remembering Castiel's. Then he cried.
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Castiel waited till Dean was gone for work. 2 suitcases would be enough…He closed his Ford's trunk while Sam was looking at him from the door.
« You can't just leave like that Cas. » he said with a sad voice.
8 years…It was a long time even if it was just a drop in the ocean for an angel.
But it's been the most beautiful years of his life, the most painful too…He would never forget. From the day he went to hell as an angel to the day he went back in his human body.
« I have to, Sammy…Nothing is holding me here anymore…I couldn't live in this house knowing he's happy with her. It's too much to ask. I was hoping for a miracle, Sammy, for so long….But my Father refused this to me too. At least I still have… »
He leaned his fingers on his lips and closed his eyes…Dean's taste was still on them…
He was human but he would forever remember everything he lived while he was an angel. And Dean's face would never vanish either…At least in his dreams he could love him and be loved too.
It was incredibly pathetic but it was all he had now…
He didn't see Sam coming closer, he just felt his hands on his shoulders…
« Don't you ever delete my number, Cas… Ever.»
« Sam …» He whispered.
« Promise me. »
Castiel was looking at his shoes…Sam pushed him gently.
« I promise, Sam… »
« I need to know you're ok, Cas…I…I…knowing you're alone… »
His voice broke.
« This is so stupid ! » he declared.
« C'est la vie…My human life didn't bring me more than my angel life. » he said looking at the sky.
« It must be written : I will never have the right to be really happy…I definitely must be cursed.» he laughed bitterly.
« Don't say that. » Sam whispered.
Castiel turned to face him with an empty look on his face. Actually his whole body was empty.
« Be happy all together, Sam…You really deserve it more than anyone else on earth. »
Sam didn't know what to answer, he hugged Castiel.
« Take care of yourself, Cas… Don't become a stranger, give us some news sometimes…or I swear I'll hire every single hunter of this planet to find you.»
« Thank you, Sam…For everything. »
He softly broke from the hug, looked back one last time at the house, and shut his eyes to hold his tears.
Sam stared at the car leaving….He then saw Dean on the side of the driveway…
Castiel saw him too, he slowed the car down a little bit but didn't stop.
They shared a look full of meaning…Dean was crying, Castiel too…
Then it was all over.
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Castiel never gave some news…He ignored Sam's calls and Dean's messages….But they never stopped trying…Castiel had to know they would always be there for him, they would never forget about him. Never…
Dean was thinking about him every single day…His absence was unbearable. Even preparing his wedding wasn't enough to distract him…
He was dreaming about him and his dreams weren't all that innocent, but when he was waking up, it was Lisa who was at his side, waking him up with a smile that could make him forget anything… For a few hours at least.
Sam was definitely aware something wasn't right with his brother since the angel left. Dean had lost his smile and the ones he was sharing with Lisa were bitter.
One day he found his brother in the kitchen and he decided it was time to talk about it.
« Dean…are you really want to get married ? It's not just about you, you know, Lisa and Ben deserve to be happy too. »
« What are you talking about, Sam ? What makes you think I don't want to get married anymore ? I love her…I want to spend my life with her…of course I'm going to marry her !»
« Are you really sure about that, Dean ?»
« Oh come on, Sam…what the hell is happening to you ? »
« I just wouldn't want you to make such a big mistake, Dean…nobody would like the consequences of it… »
Dean frowned.
« You're not the same… since Cas left… »
« What kind of bullshit is that ? »
« Nevermind, Dean…just…think about it. That's all.»
He was about to leave when Dean hold him back :
« Sammy….You really think it's a mistake ? » he whispered.
« The fact you ask is already a part of the answer… »
« Damn it I don't love him…I love her !» he sounded almost like begging.
« Then marry her…I just want you to be happy, Dean… »
Sam left…Dean leaned a hand through his hair…
« Damn it ! »
That evening he texted Castiel :
« Come back. »
No answer…that was clearly a "no".
He reached his contacts list and deleted Castiel's number….
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4 months later, he was standing here, at the altar, and this is the time Castiel chose to come back and ruin everything…
He looked at Sam, without any anger or pain…He knew his brother must've been the one who called him back…
He turned to Lisa with wet eyes…
« I'm sorry… »
He leaned a hand in Ben's hair. The poor kid wasn't understand what was going on.
Lisa watched him walking away, then running. He opened the door with a loud noise and then everybody stayed silent for what appeared to be a very long time. That silence was soon broken by Lisa's sobs.
Sam started to walk to follow his brother and then he stooped halfway…
It was not his place after all.
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Castiel had run a long time…Breathless, he leaned on a small wall…Trying to catch his breath…Trying to kill the pain in his chest…
All those messages, all those calls he never answered…It was too late now…
But if Dean texted him, he must've miss him right ?
But it wasn't enough…he wanted him to love him back like he did …
He wanted to feel his hands on his body…his breath on his skin….he wanted to be consumed by their kisses, he wanted to be in him…he wanted him to be in him…
He fell on the floor, head between his knees, whispering his name…
« Cas.»
No reaction…
« Cas… » He kneeled, clumsy, not knowing what to do with his hands.
« Cas…look at me. » Dean begged.
« Leave me alone. »
« Cas… » he pulled his face up to force him to look into his eyes.
There he was, in his wedding suit…a rose in his jacket pocket… he presented his hand to Castiel who didn't understand…and then his face lighted up…no wedding ring !
They shared an intense look.
« I don't know if I can love you as you want me to, Cas…It's a big step…I don't know if I'm able to do this…But if I don't try, I'm afraid I will miss something big. »
Castiel put his finger on Dean's lips to make him quiet.
« I'll take whatever you have to offer, Dean…I'll love you for both of us if I have to…But only if you promise to never give up. »
« You, a fallen angel who doesn't know anything about love, you wanna teach me how to love ? … To me ? …Dean Winchester ? » he teased him.
« I had plenty of time to learn those last months. »
Dean stepped back and frowned.
« I've loved you since the day I've leaned my hand on your shoulder. »
Dean smiled, Castiel reached for him and kissed him…That heat !…Dean kissed him back without fighting it…he pulled a hand in his hair and finally broke the kiss, breathless. He searched for his eyes and saw only love.
« I love you, Dean. »
« I'll love you, Cas. »
« If someone is opposed to this union, speak now or forever hold your peace. »
THE END.