I wake screaming every night, sweat dripping from my forehead and my chest heaving heavily. Returning to sleep is an impossible task. All I can do is ride out the night and pray that the nightmares leave me be.
A lone cricket chirps out into the night and a wolf howls menacingly. It just reminded me of how alone I truly was. The end of the war may have brought happiness to everyone else but it brought no solace to me. Even if I did find joy, I didn't deserve it. Why should I have happiness if Finnick, Prim, Wiress, Rue, Thresh, Boggs, Glimmer and anyone else who died. It didn't seem right. I needed to mourn. I couldn't move on.
The daylight was better, it brought light and kept away the nightmares that lurked in darkness. Nevertheless, I stayed in absolute silence during breakfast and then spent the rest of my time on the couch or in bed. I was a wreck, but I deserved it.
I was on the road to recovery a while ago, things were starting to look up. Then I received a certain phone call and everything I had worked toward crumbled. There was nothing left to work toward. It was over. I was over. So I gave up. Hoping that Sae would leave me to rot.
On one bright and sunny morning, I heard shovelling outside. Curious, I went to find the source of the disturbance and was highly surprised to find that it was Peeta. In fact I wasn't just surprised, I was completely dumbfounded. "Impossible." I muttered to myself. He looked, flawless. As in before the war, before the hunger games. Just perfect. He wore the similar grin that he had before the games, and his eyes sparkled with a joy that was once lost. He was Peeta, my Peeta, the old Peeta.
It didn't take too much coaxing to finally get me out of my rut. He managed to get me up and going again. In less than a week I was eating healthily again and I actually took a shower. I was starting to claim normalcy again.
A few days later, I even managed to muster up the courage to go hunting. I didn't actually shoot anything but the feel of my bow, and the soft dirt below my feet while being submerged in the smell of the great outdoors, was all I needed for the day. When I finally did get home, I was greeted by a baking Peeta who welcomed me with an assortment of various baked goods. Without a doubt, it was one of the greatest days of my life that I could remember. A day that had not been tainted.
Eventually when I did start shooting animals my aim returned nearly immediately. I could start to bring in proper meat to the district, and it filled me with a sense of pride knowing that I was helping with a cause. It gave me a sense of purpose. A sense of belonging and serenity.
One day I managed to shoot a buck. It could feed the town for weeks! When I went to claim my prize it occurred to me the proportion problems and why this was not going to work. The buck was huge. As I crouched down to examine a better way to do this, a soft voice pierced the silence and my lips turned into a small smile at the sound.
"Need some help with that?" Peeta asked, as he calmly strolled over.
As confused as I should have been, I just had a strange sense of thankfulness and I decided not to question why he was here or how he even found me. He picked up the buck and slung it over his shoulders effortlessly and began to walk back in the direction of Victors Village. When we arrived back at home, I was ecstatic at the chance of turning my first ever buck into edible food. I had never had this opportunity before and now it seemed like a whole new challenge. For hours a fumbled, cutting off various bone and removing what I thought to be inedible parts. Eventually I was left with a huge lump of venison, ready to be given to Sae.
When Sae arrived later that night to cook dinner, she was brimming with glee when she saw the amount of meat that I had for her. When I looked around to inform Sae of Peeta's efforts, I couldn't find him anywhere. He had been next to me the whole time, giving me both helpful and sarcastic comments as we worked, which brought a small laugh to my lips. Regardless, when I looked around to give him credit, he was gone. Probably off to his own home to rest, or bake. He didn't return for dinner either, and my sudden sombre mood didn't go unnoticed by Sae or Haymitch, who turned up just as dinner was ready.
Sae questioned "Anything wrong, darling'" She called to me as I looked out my window and toward Peeta's house. The house was in sheer darkness and looked absolutely lifeless. I suddenly offended by her question. My face folded into a scowl and I turned quickly to face her, but my quick rage subsided at the concerned look on their faces.
"It's...uh...nothing, nothing."
The light's of his house remained of for the rest of the week. There was not a flicker of movement, or a tell-tale sign of life. No smoke in the chimney, no shovelling sounds from the garden. Just nothing. After my anxiety left I allowed myself to reason with myself. He defiantly hadn't left the district or moved house. I couldn't even comprehend what would happen.
He was probably just having an episode
As much as I wanted to go over and comfort him, a small part of my brain knew that it would be an awful idea. I would be putting him and myself in danger's way, so I just decided to leave it and hope he would return to me. As he did promise, he would be there, always.
After two weeks of no activity from him, I decided to go over to his house and see where he is. After I managed to build up the courage to enter his house, I examined the surroundings. His house was dusty to say the least. Most of the surfaces had accumulated it, and it coated most of the surfaces. A horrible smell lingered in the air, and it appeared to be wafting in from the kitchen. After closer inspection I found a year old carton of milk. Screwing my face into a ball, I managed to extract the offending item and dispose of it.
I searched every room of the house, hoping to find him, but to no avail.
There was a strange sense in the air as I explored the abandoned house. It was a chilling feeling, a feeling of displacement. It was an odd feeling and it sent shivers up my spine.
I need to get out, now!
I sprinted out the door without a second though. I had to get away. Bolting through the streets, I reached the once electrified fence. Running through the forest, I still didn't let my mind comprehend the scene. I had to get out, I had to go.
When I reached the lake, I couldn't believe the scene before my eyes.
There he was, in the flesh, sitting by the lake. He was just sketching the landscape before him, occasionally sweeping his blonde locks out of his face. I was bewildered and just shocked. Rooted to the ground. He stopped drawing suddenly and turned to face me.
"Katniss" He spoke softly, he voice ringing through my mind. "When did you get here?"
My mind was blank for words, only offering "errs" and "umms"
I had no plausible answer as I couldn't comprehend what was happening. So I did he only rational thing I could think of. I went over to him and sat down next to him. No words were said, we just looked out over the beautiful scene.
Eventually I built the courage to speak. "Is this where you've been for two weeks?"
He put his pencil down and turned to me, his fixating azure gaze resurfacing millions of feelings. "Really two weeks? Wow I really lost track of time!" That was all we needed to spark a conversation. We sat there for hours on end, my head resting on his shoulder. We chatted about any and all topics. Everything from our past, to the current state of the town. Most the time I found myself staring at him as he looked out at the lake. Whenever his gaze was turn back to me, I would give a quick blush, turn away, and silently scold myself.
Eventually when the sun set, we decided to leave. I picked myself up off the floor and began to head back to my house, where a bowl of soup lay next to the microwave with a note from Sae, containing instructions of how to heat it.
Most days carried on like this, with Peeta and I spending most of our time together. I noticed that while he seemed perfectly comfortable around me, he always quietly excused himself and left whenever another person arrived. He usually wouldn't come back for the rest of the day. When I wasn't with him, I felt myself longing for the company of the people we lost. I would mourn and reminisce of the people who died for our cause. Eventually I came to a decision to ask Peeta to help me with a memory book. He complied and we started work shortly after. Peeta wouldn't draw pictures yet as he said it would be too hard for him to concentrate, but he did provide input for each person. He could provide insight on characters of our past that I would never notice.
It was on one of these days, as we worked on the book chatting easily between us, that I realised something crucial. I am in love with him.
After my realisation I found myself clinging to him as much as possible. Even when he would get up during our book session and leave the room, I would follow him but he would quickly shun me away saying he was going to the bathroom, leaving me with a blush. I spent most of my time just generally admiring him or silently watching him. He wouldn't fail to notice, but he didn't mention anything.
A couple months later, while I was at Sae's new diner, Thom stopped me to ask something "Oh Katniss, If you need help brining another deer in, just call me up" Thom said, showing a small smile. I stuttered slightly as I tried to question him, He wasn't there? How did he know? But before I could utter a word, a friend called over to him and he had to excuse himself, leaving me standing there with confusion etched into every nook and cranny of my face.
I ran to Peeta's house and began to frantically search each room for him, but like the other times I have been to his house in the past months. I could never find him. With a sense of deja vu, I sprinted out from the house and bolted it toward the lake where I first found him after he disappeared. The lake, and the surrounding area were void of human life. Only the occasional croak of a frog or the humming of a passing dragonfly. Felling myself getting desperate, I ran over to the concrete house and began to search in there too, but he was nowhere to be found.
I decided that Haymitch might know where Peeta is.
After wrapping repeatedly on his door for a good minute, Haymitch eventually showed his unkempt and dishevelled face. "What?"
With a shaky voice I asked, "Have you seen Peeta recently?"
His eyebrows sky-rocketed at my question, then quickly furrowed. "Have seen him?" He eventually asked.
"Not in a couple of days, no!" Haymitch let out a long sigh.
"Sweetheart, we both got the call, you know where he is."
Something, deep inside me snapped. A switch was flipped. I was off his porch and into my house quicker than Haymitch could process. Taking two steps at a time, I pushed open my bedroom door with such a force it startled Buttercup out of his deep sleep. Stomping over to the bookshelf in the corner, I found what I was looking for. In my distinctive handwriting it said, 'Memory Book'
I knew what I was looking for, but I was just abnegating.
Flicking the book to the end, there it was. His name. Scrawled across the top of the page. The page itself, now dry, had small droplet shapes covering it. Only two words sat there. A name. The name just sat there, menacingly and taunting. Reminding me of the torment I am suffering.
Peeta Mellark
I hope you enjoyed the story
If some parts didn't make sense, think of Peeta as a tulpa*. In this story at certain times, she has substituted other people with the image of Peeta, while other parts Peeta is his own avatar, but he leaves when Katniss can't focus her full attention on him.
If that wasnt clear enough for you, Peeta is Dead
Katniss is sad
Remembering Peeta's personality, she imagined Peeta before the war, and her insanity mixed with a lot of free time, eventually created a hallucination the he exists. She made a tulpa of Peeta.
Further explanation
Thom bought the deer home but she imagined it was Peeta
She saw Greasy sae as Peeta when she was the one baking goods for her.
The times at the lake was just a hallucination
Peeta didn't draw pictures in the memory book because he couldn't interact with the human world.
" I noticed that while he seemed perfectly comfortable around me, he always quietly excused himself and left whenever another person arrived." That line was supposed to be a hint.
*A tulpa is a self induced hallucination where the Person creates a personality and a body for the personality and imagines that it exists. It takes months of concentration but the Tupla adapts feelings and becomes a living hallucination growing as you grow. Others can't see it obviously. Creating Tulpas is an ancient Buddhism art.