Revisiting Banora
By: Soyna/Albedosreqium
Fandom: Final Fantasy 7 — after AC
Characters: Cloud Strife and Zack Fair
Rating: Teen
Warning: Yaoi, angsty, ghosts.
Disclaimer: I do not own these characters as this is a work of fancy of the author to explore the fandom further. I make no money from this endeavor.
Summary: For Asrenoinfusion for the Great Fall Exchange. Cloud revisits Banora and gets a visit from his lost best friend and lover.
Crisp cool air made his cheeks and the tips of his ears red. The trees were a brilliant crimson and yellow, and he walked under their umbrella. They were touched with pieces of deep blue that made everything look like an inverse sunset. The blue pieces spotting the trees were apples that he didn't remember seeing since he was a teenager.
He didn't know why he had taken the detour. He had dropped off a package at the last town, and the inspiring fall air had taken him to a place that seemed familiar. It must have been a town once, but it wasn't anymore. Remnants of houses and stores stood among the strange bowing trees that seemed to have taken over.
Shutting of his motorcycle, Cloud sat on it and stared at what must have been a windmill in times past. It seemed strange to have a chair sitting on the top of the hill. However, there it was and he was drawn towards it.
The chair had been once made of dark wood but now was covered in moss and grey from rain. He was certain if he touched it, it would crumble into a pile of dust.
Why did it seem familiar?
Frowning, he stared at it and tried to remember why such a strange setup would be recognizable. A large white trunk of the Banora tree seemed to frame it. The tree was older in appearance to the younger ones around it, and it was heavy with the succulent blue fruit. He walked over to the tree and reached up to grab an apple.
When was the last time that he ate an apple?
He had always liked the fruit as a child. He remembered his mom collecting the small red apples from the trees in the neighbour's yards to make him treats; apple sauce, cakes and muffins and she even put them in his porridge for breakfast. The apples were sour and so the treats were invariably heavily dosed with sugar or honey, and he always loved it. It was one of the joys of his childhood.
He rubbed his gloved hand over the blue skin and remembered his first taste of the Banora apple. He was prepared to bite into it and be greeted with the familiar sour sharpness but was startled when it tasted sweet. The members of the Security team that he was with back in Shin-Ra had laughed at him when he pronounced that it didn't need any honey at all.
He brought the apple to his mouth and took a large bite.
He was forced to close his eyes as he remembered the last time that he had had this taste. The flavour flooded his mouth as he chewed slowly and relished the flavour. Opening his eyes to look at the chair again, he remembered now why this was familiar.
It was his last meal before Zack died.
Those memories were foggy and thin, but they appeared every now and then. He had been 'awake' when he was in that mako coma despite not being able to act on any of his thoughts. He was forever grateful that Zack had been able to break them free from the horrible prison that had been the basement of the Shin-Ra manor..
Zack cared for him. He wanted to reach out to him the whole time and tell him that he was going to be okay, even though he wasn't. Zack had got him out of the stinky clothes that he wore inside the tube and put him in a SOLDIER First Class uniform. Zack's simple words telling him that the uniform suited him, and that Zack had been trying to make him try to smile, meant a lot to him. He could only grunt and try to get his vocal cords to work.
Which, of course, they didn't.
Chewing on the apple, he turned to the chair and frowned. That was where Lazard had sat him when Shin-Ra had attacked them and tried to drag him back to the lab. He had been helpless and couldn't do anything about it. He was dragged back and forth between the security force, SOLDIERs and Lazard. He couldn't do anything as Lazard beat back the troops, and he lay there like a lump on a log. He put a hand on the back of the chair, and it leaned away from his touch. Lazard had dragged his limp body to the chair, even though every breath and movement that Lazard made was racked with pain. The Director had muttered as he dragged him, "I promised I would take care of him."
Cloud didn't know if Lazard was talking to him or to the dog-like thing that had helped Lazard drive off the attackers.
He was placed in the chair, and Lazard collapsed beside him. He wanted to tell him that it was okay, and thank you, and a lot of other things, but he just sat there with his chin on his chest and hoped Zack would come back.
When Zack had come back, he had been carrying Genesis. He placed him on the other side of the chair, and they sat there and had their last meal together ... even though Zack was the only one that was able to take a bite.
Before he died ... died protecting him.
He threw the fruit at the chair and watched it crumble to the ground.
He didn't want to remember this!
Turning sharply on his heel, he stormed back towards his motorcycle with his hands clenched tightly into fists and his head down. He was futile. He was useless. He had to count on the Director and Zack to save him from everyone who had tried to take him back to that basement.
He was grateful that they had done so, but there were still times that he wondered if he was worth it. If only he could have fought beside them, everything would have been different.
He leaned against his motorcycle, and crossed his arms, staring at the crumbled remains of the chair. He wanted to scream and yell. These were not feelings that he wanted to relive, and he hated the whim that brought him back here.
Grinding his teeth did nothing to get his emotions under control. He stared at the rubble and only could feel the helplessness consume him again. Something wet touched his cheek then, and he looked up, expecting to see a cloud above him, but the sky was clear. He reached up to touch the moisture on his cheek with his leather glove and wiped it away. He felt the tightness growing in his throat that he didn't want to feel, and cleared his throat to push the emotion aside.
He turned around to grab his sunglasses when he noticed something on the seat of his motorcycle.
A single white feather sat on the seat.
He staggered backwards a few steps, knowing that it had to be from a bird that was flying around. He did remember the wings Lazard bore on his back as well as the beast that seemed to be part of Angeal; the white wings which shed feathers as they fought and had given their lives for him.
"I just have to keep him safe until he gets back."
Lazard's words.
And Zack had come back. They had eaten the last meal together before the other two died, and then Zack had left Genesis behind. He didn't understand why Zack left Genesis behind and didn't just take him over his shoulder as they sought a ride to Midgar.
They had all died with a smile. Like their purpose in life was completed.
It was depressing to think about. He didn't want these memories back. There were some things that were just better if they stayed buried in the back of his mind, in the mud that the mako poisoning had created.
Shaking his head violently and running his hands through his hair, he pushed those thoughts back. His phone was ringing. He was late again. He had to get back home. Marlene needed help with her homework, and he promised that he would take Denzel to buy some new jeans. He had to clean out the garage, too, as the snow was surely going to hit soon, and he had to make sure his motorcycle and their truck fit inside.
Cloud rubbed a gloved hand over his face, took a few deep breaths and opened his eyes. He had not been expecting to see anyone or anything. A large wolf stood and sniffed at the apple that he had thrown over the chair. It raised its head and looked at him.
It didn't seem violent as it sat down and pawed at the apple before looking up at him with very blue eyes. It took his breath away.
"What do you want?"
It didn't talk back, of course. It lowered its head down to the apple and nosed it; a crunch of the dead wood of the chair could be heard under its paws.
"You aren't going to complain about me not finishing the apple, are you?"
It cocked his head to the side and looked at him. Its fur shimmered as the wind blew over it, and its eyes stared intently at him, full of intelligence. It stared for a while before it blinked, sniffed the apple and picked it up in his jaws.
Cloud raised an eyebrow as the creature carried it over to him and dropped it so that it rolled to hit his boot. He looked at it, kicking it back to the wolf ... but the wolf wasn't there anymore.
He gasped as a visage stood in front of him that wasn't there before. It made him hurt so bad to see him standing there. Proud and tall in his First Class uniform, a large smile on his face, and looking ... looking like he was not dead.
"Zack," Cloud whispered. It hurt to say his name out loud.
"How're things, Short Stuff?" Zack said and put his fists on his hips, twisting as he looked around him. "Kinda junglely around here, isn't it? It doesn't even look like there was a town here before."
Cloud's words were caught in his throat over how casual Zack looked, and how ... there he was. Zack ran a hand through his spiky hair as he turned to him. "Hey, don't look like that." His eyes were bright with concern, and he frowned at him. Cloud couldn't stop himself and threw himself at Zack. He expected to feel his solid body press against his, but he ended up stumbling and falling to his knees by the blue apple.
He gasped and sniffed as Zack wasn't real.
"Hey." The word was so real, and it made his ears hurt with the memory of how much he missed such a simple thing as his voice. Cloud was wondering if the apple was poisoned, and he was hallucinating. He often wondered if part of him was not all there after all the toxins that were pumped into his system; falling through Zack was a sign of that. "Hey, are you okay?"
He looked to see Zack looking down at him, and he didn't appear as solid as he did a moment ago. Cloud could see the trunk of the tree right through the former SOLDIER. Zack stood in front of him, tilting his head to the side as he looked down at him.
"Thought you would be happier to see me," Zack said and sat in front of him, crossing his legs easily and leaning forward. "You've seen me like this before."
"Am I dreaming?"
"No," Zack said and reached forward. His leather-gloved hand pressed against his cheek, and Cloud could almost feel it. He thought he was going to start to cry at the gesture. "You're awake. I missed you."
"I-I..." He couldn't get the rest of the words out as he looked at the ghost version of Zack, who had the same warm smile and optimistic look in his eyes.
"Did you bring me here?" he asked, as he swallowed the lump in his throat and blinked back the pain building behind his eyes. The world became blurry with tears. He wanted to hold Zack or be held by Zack. He wanted to smell his cologne again, but all there was was the smell of the autumn leaves, the sweetness of the apples, and the damp leather of his riding clothes.
"Nah. I followed you. Do you remember coming here before? You were pretty out of it back then." Zack was still smiling brightly at him. "You would make the cutest little grunts and groans when I talked to you."
Cloud frowned. "I didn't."
"And you made that face, too."
Zack laughed; the sound made the tears fall down Cloud's cheeks. It was amazing to hear, and he missed it. "I missed you so much, Zack. You didn't have to die for me, Zack. You didn't have to die for me!" He gripped his hands tightly into his thighs. He couldn't look at Zack any longer, and he squeezed his eyes shut and hunched his shoulders. His voice cracked and broke as images of his lost friend and lover in better times flashed through his mind. "I miss you."
"I miss you, too."
He felt a tingle on his hands, and he opened his eyes. Zack was trying to comfort him with his hand on top of his. It was only a shadow of what his touch used to be like. Old feelings came rushing back, and caused his heart to skip a beat. A sob tore from his throat as he looked up with tears in his eyes.
Zack looked just like he did the day he walked away from him; a concerned look in his eyes but a smile on his lips. He wanted to touch his dark hair again. He couldn't smell his cologne, and ... he missed everything about Zack. "I miss you," was all that Cloud could say.
"I miss you, too," Zack said again. "I don't want you to be sad anymore."
'Easier said than done,' Cloud thought. Looking down at his hands, he saw that Zack was still trying to comfort him. "I try, Zack."
Zack let out a sigh, and the hand moved from his. Looking back to the visage, Cloud saw him run his hand through his hair. "I know you are." Zack gave him a serious look. "You have an excellent home, and family. It's good of you to take care of those kids."
Cloud's lips twitched at that.
"Remember when we talked about adopting kids?" Zack said and laughed. "I was ready to buy a house in Gongaga, and we were going to have a herd of them. They would call me papa, and they would have called you mama."
Cloud barked a laugh. "We agreed that I would be 'dad', not 'mama'."
Zack scoffed and waved his hand, dismissing the notion. "That's not how I remember it." His smile was large and his eyes sparkling as he leaned in. "I kept saying I was going to try to make babies with you, because you never know."
Cloud rolled his eyes and unclenched his hands. "You were always stupid like that."
"That's the smile I missed." Zack's voice softened and so did his eyes. "You really should smile more often."
Cloud tilted his head to the side and let out a sigh. "I'm trying." He looked at the ghostly SOLDIER, and his visage started to waver. It wasn't because Zack was leaving; it was because Cloud's eyes were starting to water. He blinked, but it just made the tears come even more.
Despite his efforts, the tears came and came rapidly. He clenched his teeth and tried not to scream or yell or beg for him to come back, or explain why he did it. Why? He knew why but ... he never liked the answer. "Why?" He choked on the word as he squeezed his eyes shut and reached blindly forward.
With his eyes closed he could feel Zack wrap his arms around him. A hand appeared in his hair and gripped it firmly. It felt like he was being held by Zack once again; hearing him cooing and rocking him, the smell of the leather, clean cotton, and the hint of his cheap aftershave. The strong muscular arms wrapped tightly around him, and soft lips pressed against his forehead.
"Because you're stronger than me," Zack whispered into his ear. "You were the strongest of us all."
Cloud shook his head. He was not the strongest of them all. He broke so often that he had lost count how many times he turned into a sobbing mess or into catatonia because he was shattered, scattered or broken.
"You survived it all. We all had the same horrible fate thrust upon us. We all wanted to be the heroes in one form or another. You were the only one to stay as a hero," Zack whispered in his ear and held him close. Cloud kept his eyes squeezed shut, not wanting the illusion to disappear.
"You — at no time — stopped being my hero." Cloud gasped and clutched at the unseen figure. "I never wanted you to stop being my hero."
"Cloud," Zack's voice sounded strained. "I didn't mean to thrust it all onto you. I didn't mean to burden you with all the pain and failure of us all. I didn't want you to hurt because of it. I wanted you to go on and ... be happy."
Cloud just about opened his eyes but remembered to keep them closed. He pressed his face into his chest and gripped his arms tight. "I would have been happy with you!" he yelled the loudest he could. He screamed and shook Zack until all his energy was drained out. Encircled with the warmth of his former lover's arms — a man that he had lost—and he felt like he was home again. He sniffed and began to feel rather childish and foolish.
"I know. I wish I could have stayed, but that wasn't in the cards," Zack said. "I do watch over you, and I'm glad to see that you're doing okay now. There are days that I do wish that I could have stopped that army on the hill, or that the Turks somehow would have pulled us out of it. Because then I would get to be close to you — like this — more often. I miss holding you and talking to you and making you smile."
Cloud felt himself being pulled back. He didn't open his eyes, but he could see in his mind Zack's face with the smile that was never far from his lips and the gleam in his eye. "I'm proud of you. I'm glad that you're my living legacy. I couldn't have done any better myself."
Shaking his head vigorously, he tried to talk but his voice was frozen in his throat. He was not a good 'living legacy'. He barely got by and did his best and tried to keep going, yet he felt like he failed. Despite it all, he didn't feel like a hero. He felt like a failure that still let everyone down around him.
"I know it's hard for you. You were always too smart for your own good and thought about things too much." Zack was stroking his back and he could feel his lips on his forehead. "But I know you can do it. You always could."
He sniffed and was about to say that he didn't want to anymore, but that would have been a lie. He had so much to live for now. He had the kids that looked up to him. He liked his job that allowed him to travel. He had a home that was good and friendly. Life was getting better for him, even if Zack wasn't at his side.
"I will always miss you," Cloud whispered with a shaking voice.
"I will always watch over you," Zack said, "and be with you."
Zack started to pull away from his grip and Cloud panicked. He didn't want to lose him yet. He wanted this moment to last a little longer, but he couldn't stop him from pulling away. A gloved hand pressed against his neck moving him forward until warm lips pressed against his.
He could taste Banora white apples in the kiss.
It was how he last tasted the apple.
Zack's kiss.
He opened his eyes and all the warmth and presence of Zack was gone. Cloud felt a small pang of pain at opening his eyes, but it was not as painful as he remembered in the past. He still tasted dumb apple on his lips.
He looked around him for any sign of Zack. He was alone underneath the Banora apple trees with the fall breeze blowing through his hair. He blinked and rubbed at his eyes as he looked around. The wolf was nowhere to be seen. The apple that he had taken a bite out of was by his knee.
He struggled to his feet. He was feeling drained from the encounter, but feeling as if some weight had been lifted off his heart. It was a strange feeling to have. That last kiss that they had here was now remembered. He didn't eat the apple. He couldn't, but as Zack had put him in the sidecar of the motorcycle, he leaned over and kissed him; a light kiss that told him that he knew that it was almost over.
He kicked the half-eaten apple.
Sniffing, he mounted his motorcycle and had to rub his eyes again to get them clear. His eyes went to the rubble of the chair. Everyone saw something in him that allowed him to keep moving forward. A little at a time, but he had moved forward despite all the losses in his life.
His phone rang.
Taking in a deep breath, he reached down and saw that it was from the Seventh Heaven. "Cloud, here," he answered.
"Are you going to be late?" It was Marlene. She was using her serious tone and ready to lecture him about being on time.
"Only a little," Cloud said, "But I'm going to bring home a whole bushel of apples for us to make apple pies with tomorrow."
"Really? Fresh apples?" She sounded excited.
"Freshly picked from the trees. It will be just like how my mom used to make for me when I was little." He smiled as she giggled and yelled with excitement into the phone. "Now, let me get to finish picking so I can get home."
"Bye, Cloud!" she yelled excitedly into the phone and hung up on him. He closed his eyes and took in a few deep breaths before reaching back into the storage compartment of his motorcycle to pull out a bag. He had to pick some apples after all.