Disclaimer: I own nothing that is owned by someone else.
Warnings: Justin-Hammer!Bashing and Justin-Hammer!Hating. Mildly written violent themes. Says the sh*t word somewhere. This will not be featuring the newer members of the 'Avengers' as seen on 'Avengers: AoU', because I haven't seen enough of them to effectively write them. Let's just say they're on vacation thanks to Tony, as a thank you gift for their hardships.
Info: Takes place after 'Avengers 2', but there will be minor spoilers from previous marvel movies: Thor 2, regarding Loki.
Reader's goal, other than reading: whoever can count the most movie/show/book references, whether they be subtle or obvious, wins!
Author's note: Hi! I recently watched Iron Man 2 and found the character 'Justin Hammer' to be particularly annoying so I decided to write this and to make it more interesting, decided to add the Avengers crew. I hope you enjoy this fanfiction and be sure to tell me what you think. Thanks for reading.
Tony, Bruce and Steve sat on a pink couch, plastered with Barbie doll pictures and covered with stuffed animals, in Stark Tower, which was now 'Spongebob Squarepants' Tower.
They were watching a cartoon with dinosaurs in it on Tony's T.V. and munching on popcorn and human-fingers. Steve, sitting nimrod, his hands folded on his lap; Tony, laying on half of the couch, his back on Bruce who then deigned to sit on the floor.
Suddenly Tony sat up. "RUN, LITTLE-FOOT!" On-screen, a chubby Apatosaurus and his dinosaur pals were running away from a tyrannosaurus-Rex.
"Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness!" Steve said his heart beating as fast as a bee buzzes as he locked his eyes on the television.
"What the hell are you watching?"
Tony and Steve jumped in surprise and spun around.
Natasha stood in the doorway, in full uniform, followed by Clint, also in full uniform, serious-business-faces on their faces.
"What's going on?" Captain America asked as he went into full-on serious mode.
"Justin Hammer escaped from jail." Black Widow said, importantly, like an O.C.D. burdened squirrel who desperately wanted his nuts to be the same size as one another.
"Who's Justin Hammer?" Tony asked, carefree-like.
"You forgot?" Hawkeye asked, making an annoyingly incredulous face, his head slowly tilting to the side until everyone was sure he would break his neck if he went an inch in a half further. "The guy who was being amazingly lame that one time, During Iron-Man 2." Hawkeye said, his head still tilted the same way.
"Well, crap." Iron-Man said. Tony hated Justin Hammer and his…Exasperating behavior and idiotic shenanigans.
"Wait? Iron-Man 2?" Steve said, confused.
"Yup, my second movie." Tony said, proudly.
"Wait. What?!" Steve said, confused.
"Hey! You gotta movie too. I mean it didn't get as good of ratings as any of mine –Just being honest—but was still… tolerable enough." Tony said.
Steve glared at Tony. Tony was always so conceited. Always such a…mean…Fellow….. Person-y thingy…
"You don't have to be such an ickday." Steve said.
"You don't have to speak in Pig-Latin every time you're insulting someone with bad language." Tony said. "WE'RE ALL BIG BOYS NOW!" He yelled in Steve's face.
Steve shuffled a little.
"Yeah, I know that. Just a little respect for the lady."
Black-Widow glared at him.
"I think I can take a couple cusswords." She said.
Suddenly they heard a giant crash. They all turned around and there was Thor, rubble everywhere, cape twirling around in the wind that was created by the random guy who liked to blow on people for dramatic effect.
"I swear." Thor said, quoting what he said on his first movie.
"You swear what? Look, Mr. Pikachu, you're not making any sense right now." Tony said.
"I was informed by Huggin and Munnin that something devastating has befallen Midgard. Is it true? Has Justin Hammer escaped her prison? Is all of this true?" Thor asked, seriously.
"Um. Actually Justin Hammer's a guy…" Bruce mumbled.
Tony stood up on the couch and leaped onto the floor, failing to land on his feet and toppling down onto his ass.
"I never was good at physics." He said, getting up on his feet.
"How are you not good at physics?" Steve asked.
"I know, I'm Tony 'Fudging' Stark, right? I guess—"
"I appreciate whatever you're saying, Man of Iron, but we have urgent business at hand."
"Wait. Guys, I don't get it. Why is this guy so dangerous? What'd he do?" Bruce asked.
Everyone turned to Bruce, incredulousness written all over their faces.
"Bruce… He…" Steve was shocked that, although Bruce had been there far longer than he, he still didn't know who Justin Hammer was.
"Justin Hammer isn't his real name. But we dare not speak his real name." Hawkeye said, ominously.
"Voldemort changed his name again?" Tony asked. "Geez! That guy needs to make up his mind!"
"So what do we do about him?" Steve asked.
"Voldemort?"
"No." Steve rolled his eyes, "Justin Hammer."
"Don't get cheeky with me, Spandex-of-Patriotism. And as for the 'Justin Hammer issue': a simple question with a simple answer. We track him down and end this." Tony said.
"Uh… What do you mean by 'end' exactly?" Bruce said, in a concerned voice.
Suddenly, red and gold plates enveloped all over Tony, until he was fully dressed in his Iron Man suit.
"Ah, yeah." He said, flexing the armored arms that couldn't be flexed.
"I'd better get in full-gear too." Steve said, frolicking away just like Bambi.
When everyone was in full-gear, they went on top of the roof and Bruce and Tony brought out their 'My Little Pony stickers' incrusted laptops.
"Does he have any close family members who might know where he is or where he might go?" Bruce asked.
"No. When he was born they terminated all evidence of him being in any relation to them." Natasha said.
They were all hovering over Tony and Bruce, breathing loudly down their necks.
"Wait a second…" Tony paused. "Did any of you guys know that peanut-brittle just became half-priced at the local mini-mart?" he asked.
"Peanut-brittle?" Barton said, hope in his starry eyes.
"Can you pretty please with cherries on top take this seriously?" Steve asked, in a whiny voice.
"I am taking this seriously." Tony said. "We all know that no one can resist the delicious glory of peanut-brittle. There is a 99.89% chance that Justin Hammer will be there."
"Then let us go." Thor said, clenching his hammer, ferociously.
"You guys can use my private jet." Tony said.
"Why can't we use our quinjet?" Hawkeye asked.
"Just cos'!" Tony said or rather yelled.
When they all arrived at the mini-mart, they waited behind the cash-register, though the cashier protested with all his might. The owner was displeased with their presence as well, but they assured him that they wouldn't destroy his dinky store.
"What up?"
Everyone spun around to see Loki.
"You!? You're supposed to be dead!" Clint said, incredulously. Maybe a hint of anger here and there.
"Am I not?" Loki asked, carelessly.
"What? No! I would be Jack Sparrow! Loki's Miss Swan!" Tony said with deep vehemence.
Natasha rolled her eyes.
"Brother! I thought you dead! Eeeeeeeeehh!" Thor squealed like a fan-girl, embracing Loki in what would normally be a fatality-attack on mortal-combat.
"No. I was in personation of Odin, All-Pappy, the entirety of the time. He's dead or locked up in a secret dungeon somewhere or something… The third installment of the 'Thor' series has yet to reveal itself, so I honestly have no clue…"
Thor was hurt but pretended not to be for the sake of the fandom who arrived for humor/Adventure, not family/drama/hurt/comfort/angst/BORED!
"To quote a fellow god, who apparently acquired a, hidden, degree in medical school, 'I am so, so sorry.'" Loki said, with a shit-eating grin on his face. "Anyways, I came to assist you and the mortals with this 'Justin Hammer' issue. No one should have to deal with this alone." He said, gravely.
"You're so nice, Loki!" A fan-girl said, from afar, rubbing her tear-stricken eyes with a tissue. "So generous and sweet and dreamy and kind—" She sobbed.
Bruce rubbed the roof of his nose, tiredly.
Everything was quiet. Too quiet. Ridiculously quiet. Infinitely quiet. Nothing had ever been so—
"Noiseless?" Natasha asked.
"No! You were supposed to say 'quiet', Nat!" Clint yelled, annoyed.
Justin Hammer walked in.
Bruce was unimpressed.
"No… No… No…! NO!" Steve shrieked, terrified.
Justin Hammer saw them and tried to scurry away but Iron-Man swooped in front of him, guarding the exit.
Justin Hammer was like a rabbit who jumped into the wrong rabbit hole and was forced to have tea with a mole whose political opinions differed from the rabbits, and the rabbit had to feign agreements with the mole, whose name was 'Mr. Blackberry Moleson' in order to avoid a fight with the mole who was overly sensitive.
Nick Fury walked in with a giant squirt-gun positioned on his shoulder.
"I've come to assist." He said.
"Good. We'll need as much man-power as possible."
"I don't understand. Who is this mortal?" Thor asked.
"That's Justin Hammer, ya dumbass." Tony said.
"That's not a hammer," Thor said, lifting up his hammer, "This is a hammer." He said.
Thor then began swinging his hammer to and fro for reasons unknown.
"Stay away!" shrieked Justin Hammer.
"Honestly, I don't see why everyone's making such a big deal out of this guy…" Bruce said.
Everyone glared at Bruce's naivety. Fury sprayed him with the squirt gun. Thor, who was still swinging Mjolnir everywhere, accidently hit Tony across the face, making him scream a high pitched, girly, scream.
"Help!" Justin Hammer shrieked. "Madmen! I'm surrounded by madmen!" he squeaked like a wittle wat, stuck in a wittle wat-twap.
"And a madwoman." Natasha said before kicking Justin Hammer, Kung Fu style, to the ground.
"I watched Madmen once… Still don't get what the big deal is…" Clint said, thoughtfully.
"HEELELELELELP!" Justin Hammer yelled.
People in the store glanced his way, but none would help him. Helping him would be like transforming into a giant, purple, man-eating turtle, rampaging through New York, it just wasn't in their nature.
"Guys, I've got a plan." Tony said. "Get in the quinjet and follow me!" he grabbed Justin Hammer and flew out the door, though Justin reached sorrowfully for the half-price peanut-brittle.
The other team members except for Thor who wanted to fly, went into the quinjet and Natasha started it up.
To everyone's dismay, Tony flew higher and higher towards space, away from earth.
"Stark!" Natasha said over the intercoms "Are you trying to kill us?"
"No!" Tony said, "I found a way to create an invincible, and invisible, force-field, using bubble-gum, Hairspray and Velcro. It's on my suit and the quinjet right now, so chill."
"Of course!" Steve said, sarcastically.
"Don't give me that cheeky attitude, Stevie." Tony said.
"It's not on Justin Hammer, so how is he alive?" Bruce asked.
"Bruce! Everyone knows Justin Hammer's invincible!" Clint yelled at Bruce who flinched.
"What about Thor?" Steve asked.
"He's a god, he'll be fine." Loki said, calmly.
They flew until they were actually in space, heading towards the actual moon. As they got closer a house became visible.
Tony dropped Justin Hammer before he landed, roughly, to the surface of the moon. The quinjet landed a second later and the rest of the avengers filed out.
"Wait!" Clint said, "How are we breathing?"
"I suspect the magic force-field has been given to you all." said Thor, as he landed gracefully to the surface, like a dainty ballerina, crimson cape bellowing in the wind caused by the landing.
"Here's your house." Tony said, "Gesturing to Justin Hammer. "All the things you'll need are in there."
"This doesn't seem like much of a punishment." Justin Hammer said.
"Well," Tony said, grinning at the others and back at Justin Hammer maliciously, "You won't be able to show off your crappy dance-moves; you'll be all alone."
Justin Hammer shuddered.
"And the only food here is cake and soda, I'm sure you'll get tired of that." Tony said.
"Do-does that mean?—" Justin Hammer stammered.
"No peanut-brittle." Thor said, a look of great understanding on his face.
Justin Hammer sobbed to the ground in anguish as the Avengers all went into the quinjet, including Thor and Tony.
And so it came to pass that they went away from the moon and stopped at the most marvelous view of earth and there, in the quinjet up in space regardless of the lack of scientific explanation, they watched their favorite TV show 'How I Met Your Mother'.
~FIN~
After watching Iron-Man 2, I decided justice had to be served and also decided that Tony Stark shouldn't have all the glory; I hope you had a marvelous time!
Sincerely, Hyraxi